Daily Archives: November 15, 2016

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

So, I’ve been doing a lot of researching regarding a place to live, should Maurice and I decide to move out of country. Most of the countries I’ve investigated are located in South America, which is seeing a boom from U.S.A. retiree’s because of their low cost of living and ease of immigration, I had to toss out most of the popular…

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And Again. . .

Both kids are home today, the middle one with pinkeye and the youngest with tummy bug.  I feel like I am about to lose my mind with all this sickness right before Thanksgiving.   We’re going to upstate for Thanksgiving again and that will get Bob sick until about February.  So we will see how it all turns out.

I think I’m jumpy working on the Louisiana piece.  Taking me back into that misery I was in and all that.  But I’m through writing it, so that is good.  I can put it out of my mind until she grades it.  I needed Xanax today and that is the first time I have taken any in weeks.

I have a meeting at church with the counselor again tomorrow. I really need to do my homework for that tonight and  tomorrow.  Hopefully we can wrap up whatever was intended by these meetings and see how things go from there.

My memory is slippery today. I thought the kids had another week after this one until Thanksgiving holidays.  November has just flown by. At least we got a start on Christmas shopping last Saturday.  I got a lot of stuff for different people.  SO that was good.


Trump Declares Free Ice Cream Day For Inauguration

Just when we thought we were really in hot water….

All Things Chronic

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to bring people together, president-elect Donald Trump has planned a special surprise for his inauguration day, January 20th. Every outlet that sells ice cream, from Baskin-Robbins to the corner gas station, will be participating in Free Ice Cream Day. Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway (and her husband) announced the new annual holiday on CNN this morning.

Not only will every American receive a free ice cream bar, but Trump has declared January 20th to be an international holiday. Ms. Conway said that any country choosing to participate will be considered friends of the new administration.

Ms. Conway went on to say that: “We want everyone to celebrate on inauguration day, no matter who they voted for. Get a free ice cream at your nearest local store, then join your friends and family in watching history take place. Donald Trump will be the best president…

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Oh, boy! I was up till about 2 am watching the election results. I finally gave up and just fell asleep. This morning I feel like I have a huge hangover (like most of the country).

I’m sitting here typing waiting on Hillary to give her farewell speech. Later, I plan on getting a good nap.

I feel better today emotionally. I don’t feel super, but I feel like I will survive.


Had a decent day yesterday. Not up to the level of a “normal” person, but it was okay. Got a massage and realized how much my lower back hurts. I am definitely going to yoga today as my teacher says she’s going to be working on lower backs for a while.

I took a walk yesterday afternoon and was so proud of myself. Anything like that is good. I also did three loads of clothes for Danny to help him out.

I have started working a little bit on Christmas. I usually struggle a bit with gifts. I really like to order stuff online. They always have the size you need and everything is not all picked over. Not to mention the driving and the crowds, etc. This morning I got out two catalogs that looked good and ordered some small things.

My daughter always gives me a detailed list, which frankly helps a ton. I have a few things in mind for Danny. My husband and middle son are always tough. BUT I did find a DVD series of National Parks for my husband. It sounds dull to me, but I know he will love it.

I have an appointment with my CBT therapist today. I have some things to work on. I have a lot of health anxiety and am always convinced I will get cancer or something. (Which I am figuring out is true…everyone dies from something!) I am 57 and a little young to get something, but not too young at all. So tomorrow my husband and I have an appointment for a “skin check” for our dermatologist to look over our moles. I had a small melanoma about 7 years ago, so I get a bit nervous over what he will find. On top of that, I am having my routine colonoscopy on Saturday. You gotta love the prep part! Anyway, I worry about what she will find there.

So my CBT work is supposed to help keep me calm. I also had a nice thing yesterday from my devotional (sorry if you don’t believe…ignore this part)…”you tend to project yourself mentally into the next day or year and visualize yourself coping badly in those times. This will not come to pass, because I am with you at ALL times.” That was helpful.

I have been known to panic and cry in doctor’s offices over sheer fear and stress. (Yes, I hate to admit this!)  I’d like to make it smoother this time.


I did make it to yoga yesterday and my lower back feels a lot better. I really like that yoga class…the teacher is so supportive and kind.

In a few minutes I have to go to the dermatologist for my skin check. I’m trying to think positive thoughts and just relaxing as much as I can. I am trying to stay in the moment and use the STOPP technique if I start thinking negative thoughts. Hopefully it will help. This health anxiety is just ridiculous.

Update: All was good at the dermatologist. Sigh of relief.


Up at the crack of dawn…getting ready to leave for my colonoscopy. The prep was certainly exciting. My insides are sure excited…everything is growling and making crazy noises. The good thing about this test is you only need it every five years. So if all goes well today, I won’t have this one to stress about for a while.


Got back and forth and done really fast. Doctor found five small polyps, which she removed. I don’t have to go back for five years.

I was pretty nervous but they were SUPER nice. I had called ahead and talked to the nurse and told her I had anxiety. There was a nurse there to literally hold my hand the whole time. I started crying some right before they put me to sleep, but I wasn’t sobbing just teary.

Now I just have to get through my mammogram and my well woman check and I am good for another year. Health anxiety is sure a tough one.

Rested for some of the day and then went over to nose around my neighbor’s house that is for sale. It looks pretty good. Hopefully, they’ll get a good price. I also did some more ordering Christmas gifts online. I am making progress.

I feel really good. I hate that…feeling in the pits one week and good the next. But I guess it is the nature of the disease. It’s just so hard to never be able to count on yourself. Or have other people count on you.

Next up: church tomorrow.


Ditched church…basically too lazy to go. I feel as good as I have felt in a while. Looking forward to going shopping with my daughter today. Not much happening. Should take a walk this afternoon.

Update: Feeling REALLY good! Uh-oh. Is this normal or hypomania? Went shopping but spent an appropriate amount of money for what I needed. Drove to store and back. Husband going to football game so I may be alone to watch it on TV. Middle son might come watch it with me.

I wish I always felt like I feel right now. Like I can get everything I wanted accomplished and go to the places I want. It must be the extra Rexulti and Welbutrin.


Still feeling good but not hypomanic. Woke up at four and decided I was just NOT going to get up that early. Took a Klonopin and slept hard till 8. Have some easy errands planned for the day and then women’s group tonight. Will have to drive in the dark to get there and back. Took a shower last night so am all clean for the day. Showers are coming much easier.


Had a rough night last night. Just swinging up and down. Have some more errands to do today. Husband says to put less pressure on myself. Maybe he is right. But then I am afraid I’d be a lifeless blob.

hope all is well with you-


Grim Reaper is Lurking

I’m trying to be strong. If that means immersing myself in breakfast burritos,television and booze i am superwoman. Curtains closed. Pajamas on. No shower for 4 days. Didn’t leave the house for 4 days. Calling in sick. Believing I am sick. Tissues not for a cold but the steady stream of unwanted tears.
But,then I look in that mirror while brushing my teeth, trying to rid myself of depression stench, I am broken. Red swollen eyes peering back at me. I want to avert my eyes and embrace the pain at the same time. The darkness is here. Taken over. I am swept downstream into the proverbial pit in a matter of days. Maybe it was hours. I don’t even know. Does it really matter? I have come to rest in the mud and mire. Couldn’t move if I wanted to. Muffled screams, cries for help. No one can hear you down here. Devil got my tongue and pride.
Denial is like a tattoo, etched into my being. Its okay. I’m alright. Just breathe. Shake it off. Nothing to see here. I’m only drowning in my own fears. My own half truths. Depression whispers in my ear. You don’t belong. Burden. Weakness oozing from your pores. Look at you, pathetic sole rippling in agony. Why? For what? You’ve got a car. House. Job. Husband. Please. Many other people have it hard. Are struggling. If you killed yourself the world would carry on without a doubt. These whispers become roars. I cower in the corner.
Half truths. I do feel like a burden. I do worry I am too much. My weakness bleeds into my job, my marriage. I’m not present. Always battling that devil. He’s got not only my tongue, but my ear. Nonsense filtering into my heart. Adrenaline of hate seeps into my psyche. I could pull the trigger so easily in these moments. I picture it. I embody it.
But, I don’t. The television roars. The doorbell sings of pizza. Distraction. Pleasant or unpleasant somehow keeps me here. The good guys on tv prevail. Maybe, so can I. Trivial, yes. But I takes what it takes. The grim reaper may be lurking, but I might just be stronger than I think.

Night of The Flamingos

The full moon hangs over my patio, illuminating the palo verde trees, the bamboo, and….the flamingos.