Daily Archives: November 14, 2016

Bipolar psychosis

There was no doubt a process that led me from Saturday night to Monday morning

I haven’t been very low for a long while (thanks to the 20mg fluoxetine / 550mg quetiapine meds) but I felt it had arrived during the night. Although I was wide awake at 5am Sunday morning I just couldn’t get out of bed. When I eventually did, I could barely move all day.

What dragged me down further was having to think through the logistics of the aftermath of the 3rd World War in 2030. And the 4th World War in 2032. I’ll be old and possibly not even still around, but my son will be.

This morning I knew I really shouldn’t go into work, but I’m stubborn and I pretend I’m in control of my own illness. Call it stupidity if you like.

So I went to work. And the day was marked with memory- and cognition issues. I must have appeared stupid and clueless to my staff. So of course I began to worry about that too, and decided at one point that I should hang myself from the overhead projector while the kids and staff were out at lunch.

Maybe doing this I could avert the next two world wars, seeing as how they and everything else anyhow are my own creation because life isn’t real.

Life isn’t real, I’ve mentioned before, because there was some kind of accident – probably car-related – and I am in fact in a coma or catatonic on a psychiatric ward. I am there creating all that is the world and being; nothing is real. (This is my most common, and overriding, ‘delusion’ – of course I don’t accept it is such a phenomenon.

All this is going on while I’m trying to work, either at home yesterday or in class today. It’s going to be one of those evenings where I can only laugh because it’s so ridiculous, so absurd, that I’m ending the day still alive. Driving home on the rush hour motorway was interesting, to say the least, as one of my planned suicide methods is to drive into a concrete pillar at speed.

But hey, I’m still alive. Again.


Weekly Wrap-Up November 14, 2016

Mood I don’t think I have to mention it, but I will. Depression, depression, depression. This time is situational and not likely to be because of the chemicals swirling around in my brain. The election was just more than I could handle. I thought it would pass, but it still hangs as heavy on my heart as much today as…

The post Weekly Wrap-Up November 14, 2016 appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Freshly Stressed

Tough night staying asleep. I woke pretty much every hour on the hour. I think it’s because I got six bizarre ranty texts from R on subjects I never even broached. Think he was both drunk and feverish with whatever ailment de jour his wife gave him. (And by the way, thanks fucker, for coming over with your illness and putting me and my kid into your petri dish range, thoughtful.) It’s hard enough for me to sleep but when you keep being wakened by disturbing pro Trump texts and topics you didn’t even mention…It’s distressing as hell. Every time I’d nod off, another would come in.

This election has changed people, and not for the better. R has always been arrogant and judgmental but until The Donald fiasco, aka our future as Americans, he never once called me stupid but reinforced how intelligent I am. For months now simply because I don’t like people with Trump-esque personalities and politics…He’s called me stupid, a moron, etc all. And I blame Trump’s spewing of hatred, it’s intoxicated otherwise smart, decent people. And frankly, I don’t know why I’ve become R’s whipping boy when in fact I’ve been quite vocal about HATING ALL POLITICIANS.

And all this came after a very tough day with my kid. She returned from her grandma’s with an “I can do whatever I want and I’m telling your mom and she’s gonna be mad at you” attitude. Because I said she had to wear  a sweater to play outside, brutal me. It went downhill from there. She hit me, I sent her little friend home. I tried talking to her. She hit, kicked, threw a remote at me, the droid, hit me some more. I gave her cool off time in her room, tried once again to talk calmly. Nope. She started making threats to call the cops and tell them what an abuser I am cos while defending myself from her hits, my fingernail scraped her.

Is it possible for a parent to be abused by a 7 year old? Because I am starting to feel like an abused spouse, only my tormentor is my kid. Nothing works with her. Not a swat on the butt, not time outs, not taking stuff away. Nothing works. She flips on a dime and I realize…she is what makes my life overly stressed and miserable. When she’s good, it’s all good. Even when she’s a little bad, it’s ok. But when she goes feral like she did yesterday and becomes violent…I feel like a prisoner. Call me weak, pathetic, remind me I am the adult and she is feeding off my fear and insecurity. Walk in my shoes then readjust the “I would never ‘let’ my kid get away with that” attitude.

But as I said…turn on a dime. She calmed down. We had reheated bow tie pasta for supper, I got her into the shower. Things were fine then. I had her clean out the cat boxes and she at least earned back her dvd player. But it’s gonna be awhile before she plays with friends or sees that droid again. Forget an allowance.

First thing this morning after me barely getting any solid sleep…She screamed at me because I dare suggest she wear warm clothes. No, those are ugly, you want me to look ugly. Then I told her she couldn’t wear tights as pants cos you can see through them and she tossed this little Shopkin thing at me…

I am starting to see why I am so stressed and down most of the time. The kid’s behavior is unacceptable. Especially when chances are, one little ADHD pill a day could fix it but none of the professionals or insurance companies will even listen to me on that matter. Saturday night, home alone, relaxing…Got a good night’s sleep (except for the waking up to cough out a lung and pound of sinus drainage). Sunday morning I had tea/coffee/conversation with Mr. M and Bex in chat room, it was lovely.

Then I did dishes, swept, vacuumed, took out trash, made the beds…My mood was good, I was semi calm.

Only to have it shattered by bringing back the one person I love most in the world who has turned me into an abused animal waiting for the next kick to my ribcage. And mind you, it’s not a fear of saying no and making her unhappy that makes me fearful. It’s all these threats to lie to the school and cops about how abusive I am. I mean, this day and age, that fingernail scrape, even if I was defending myself, could land me under DCF review. I am terrified not of the child so much but of the broken down system.

And then the R fiasco and I am sooo close to telling him to fuck off but I want to talk to Mrs R first, get some insight. Maybe I am just so stressed and seasonally depressed I am misinterpreting his zealous advocacy of a man he believes in…I am at least humble enough to question my own mental state and that maybe I could be wrong.

He was sickly last night and ordered me “answer your phone tomorrow in case I need to take off.” Um…I am not your damned servant. Especially after being called a moron for having my own views contrary to your own. It’s called being an adult and agreeing to disagree.

I am just…stressed. Overly stressed. And I see no relief in sight with the holidays coming up and money problems and family bullshit. Not to mention whatever disaster the new presidential regime will bring for those of us who are mentally ill. I expect a mass mailing of “no more disability checks, suck it up” letters. Maybe I am being all ‘the sky is falling’. Or maybe I, and millions of others, have a legit reason to be scared.

I hate having so much up in the air and coming at me.

On a better note…While my chat meet and greet was an epic failure, not one new visitor…I’d like to thank the usual suspects, Sass, Mr. Mumple, Bex, Ava, for stopping in and chatting. Means a lot to have people there to simply interact with on a level without judgment.

I think my purge is complete.

Now I am gonna go hork up my other lung and maybe  a pancreas. Can’t be too sick since it all clears by noon. Just like my dad’s same condition does.

Yay for Junk DNA.

 


So. . .

I got the middle one well and now the youngest has a stomach ache and fever.  So we are going back to the doctor this morning.

WE had kind of an eventful weekend–my oldest was home for a spiritual retreat at the local Methodist church and I went to their closing ceremony yesterday.  She said it went well for her except for a bit of anxiety. I hope she’s  not developing that on top of her depression.

As for myself, I have felt good this weekend, good enough that I volunteered to have the Sunday School Christmas party at my house.  It’s December the 11th. So I feel good about doing that and taking stress off the Sunday School teacher and his wife.  Her mother is quite ill and I didn’t want the party cancelled  because something went wrong with her.

We are doing other preparations for the holidays–we packed Shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child again this year.  THe youngest really took the lead on this–we went shopping and she picked out all the items and packed the boxes herself.  So it was nice to hand that responsibility over to someone else.

I got back my travel piece and got full credit for it.  She said the beginning was weak, which is becoming a trend in her comments.  I don’t remember having this much trouble writing leads before.  BUt I guess it should be something I watch more closely.