Down in the Valley


It’s been like a bomb dropped on my chest. I just can barely move.

My doctor has gone to shortened hours as he is retiring and it is hard to get in touch with him. I may need to just eat it and find another doctor. I hate it but I need someone I can contact quickly when things go south.

I just don’t need life right now. I got my calendar out and cancelled everything I could for this next week. I just need to hibernate for a while.

I feel like a big failure. I am. I can’t even function on “disabled” mode. I am so angry that my meds have let me down. I don’t feel suicidal, thank god. I am hoping a quick med change will get me back in a few days.

Guilt and hopelessness.

I guess all of my CBT training has gone in the toilet. I just can’t pull it up.

My husband says this is a med issue. I sure hope so. I am taking a week to get together, then I will panic.


Today was tough but better. I got up and used some dry shampoo in my dirty hair. I then had my husband drive me over to get my nails done. So now my finger and toe nails look really decent. This helps a lot. The real shocker is that I put myself together and went to yoga. I was exhausted and had to stop here and there but I did it. I came home and promptly fell asleep. But I feel good that I got out and did it.

Tomorrow: some kind of walk (maybe just around the block) shower (gotta wash that hair), laundry, and a call to my therapist. I can do that.

I’m now taking 2.0 Rexulti/ day and an extra Welbutrin at 1 pm. Hopefully, this will help.


Got up at four for no reason. Wanted to go for a walk but having intestinal troubles. Needing to stick close to the bathroom. It’s the extra Rexulti…tough on the system.

So I plan on resting, getting a shower, and talking to my therapist. I could use to do some laundry, but that could wait till tomorrow.

I feel better and clearer mentally today. Just sort of weak. But you know, that yoga yesterday really helped. It seemed to give me a better sense of balance and a little more stamina. I am going to try to put my two yoga classes at the top of my priority list and not schedule other things during them.

No shower so far but I did laundry and did my call with my therapist. We both decided it was time to start LOOKING at least for a new psychiatrist. So I called a recommended one.

The secretary asked me a lot of questions before she would take me. “Have you ever wanted to hurt yourself?” “Have you ever been in the hospital for mental illness?” Gee, maybe I am weird but it seems like most people who need psychiatric help have been suicidal at one time or another. Not to mention being in the hospital. So this secretary told me she would call me back. She did and said I was accepted. So I have an intake appointment in December. I still plan on seeing my existing doctor until I like her and settle in.


Got up and took a short walk. So just need a shower for church tomorrow. It’s been like three days since I had a shower. Ack! But that’s all I need to do today. So I can just hang out and take it easy.

I feel better emotionally but not quite right. I think the additional medicine has helped, however.

I am a bit overwhelmed with the idea of Thanksgiving dinner. But I will just keep it simple…maybe even really nice paper plates. I am going to try to just keep it to our family and a close friend and I may just roast a turkey breast instead of a whole turkey. Simple…that’s the key. My kids aren’t fussy and neither is my husband.

Update: I got the shower for church tomorrow.

I also applied to volunteer at a hospice organization. There are all kinds of things to do, such as work at a thrift shop, read to people, etc. I don’t know if I’ll get picked or not but it is close to the house so I can drive without my husband. You can work as little as two hours a week and if you go on vacation you just tell them. At least I would be getting out of the house and helping other people. AND I could drive there myself.


Got up and did not want to go to church, but powered through it and went. I felt a bit virtuous and not so guilty. BIG news: I drove to church. I got on the freeway and got off. I was only on for one exit but so what? I did it.

They had the “Christmas Angel” tree up already at church. They use kids from the local homeless shelter. We got a nine and a seven year old. My daughter actually volunteered to go to Target and pick out the gifts if I give her the money. I think that’s a fair deal. I can’t believe the holidays are really here. Just one day at a time.

Nothing to do the rest of the day. Tomorrow is take a walk day and go to my women’s support group. I’m not exactly burning up the world, but I am surviving.


Woke up with a pretty sore back. Should get out and walk. Should go to my women’s support group at 3. But probably will do neither. Probably will clean the cat boxes and rest. It’s just not a day for ambition.

I still fear that I will just lie here and die on this couch.

Tomorrow is a busy day. I have a support call at 8, followed by a weigh-in at 10. Then we’re headed to the homeless shelter to drop stuff off. Finally, tomorrow is bipolar group at 3.

Tues: Election Day

My bipolar leader gave me a paper. It says that when one feels depression one feels a lot more than sadness. One feels nothing, sadness, self-loathing, anxiety, guilt (my favorite),hopelessness, and isolation.

I hope you are able to survive this election day. My husband is a news junkie, so I will get a full day of it.

love, lily


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