Daily Archives: November 8, 2016

Election Day

So today we voted.  My husband voted around 10 while I voted at 9:30.  That’s about the most substantive thing we’ve done today.  The middle child is still very sick–she’s only moved from her bedroom to the couch and has shown not much signs of life there.  She’s sleeping all day which does not seem to be a function of her medication–she just says she’s tired.  I’m still very scared all the tests were wrong yesterday and that she has mono.

WE have piano tonight so supper will be rushed.  Then tomorrow, no matter what the election says, we will be at my uncle’s funeral in the morning.  Mom seems to be handling it okay–so I am glad of that.

I have had a hard time being focused today.  I have a bunch of stuff I need to get done but I’ve done a lot of pacing today. I did manage to do a guest blog post and turn it in this afternoon.  Just now actually. But at least it is done.  I had already done an interview for it and just needed to format it and put it into my own words.

 


A Year of Chronicles

WordPress sent me an anniversary note. Wow! One year of blogging. On my very own blog! I started out writing for my friends blog because at the time I was pretty ill and couldn’t fathom managing a blog myself. It seemed too big. Too overwhelming. Too much responsibility. Of course I had no idea what I was talking about. It was just fear standing in my way. When my friend said he was done with his site I had to make a decision. Write and share w no one or enter the blogosphere. I also had to lower my expectations.
I often think my blog should be fancier. Post pictures or have a better theme. Be more eye catching. Glamorous. Amazing. But, really it’s my words that I want to stand out. That’s my soul purpose here…written expression. Keeping it simple is more my style. I’m not really fancy in any other area of my life. Or graceful for that matter. I’ve considered maybe my writing is too dark. Too disturbing. I don’t tread lightly in choosing my words. I lay it out in my terms, terms that really speak to this roller coaster. From the demons of depression to the heightened senses of mania, I tell it like I feel it. When I don’t know what I’m feeling, equate to being lost…confused, I try to put a voice to it as best I know how.
I first wrote in 2013 following a trip to the bridge w a plan to jump. I agonized on that day. A flood of disillusionment. Spinning in circles. Then looking down upon frigid open waters I was convinced would bring me peace. All I wanted was inner peace from the all consuming chaos. I spinned some more. Ultimately I reached out to my friend and landed in the hospital. He asked me what that day was like. When I stammered to tell him, welling up with tears and oozing anxiety, he suggested I write it down. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.
I often locked myself away in my room during high school years writing poems of despair. I grew up in an emotionally unavailable household. I took to pen and paper to express myself because my verbal communication was never heard. When I was about 14 or 15 I was shutdown completely by my mother. In desperate teenage angst, I reached out to her and she slapped my hand away. Up went the wall. Out came the paper.
So, really I have been writing for quite some time. But, my words, thoughts and feelings were never shared. Never allowed much less accepted. In the tumultuous dance of life with bipolar disorder, I need somewhere to go. To express. To feel unconditionally. I suppose I could do that in my therapist’s office. There is just something to the freedom of this blog. Its open 24 hours a day and free. It allows me to be me in any context. Footloose and fancy free.
Happy anniversary to me!


Next?

TMy computer is in the hospital, gasping its last, I fear. So I’ll try to create a post with my phone. Technology–heh, heh–ain’t it sumthin’?

I finished the outpatient program and am trying to figure out what’s next. How do I re-engage with the human race? Aside from that being psychologically required, why would I want to?

No more Vyvanse, for one thing. It may have curbed some of my binge eating disorder, but gave me headaches and aggravated an old TMJ  injury. Aggravated seems the operative word here. The general consensus is that it also upped my “All People Stink” core belief, which may have contributed to a crankier-assed attitude this past year.

Mad Maxine

All I know is that it took weeks in group therapy before I could sit through the whole session. It was either bolt or punch some sap in the mouth. Not violent by nature, this impulse scared me a little. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it also felt good. Which was scary in a whole other way.

Everyone in the group had issues with irritability (a common symptom of just about every mental illness), so we worked with it. A lot. So now I have a folder of “anger management” handouts in my Bipolar Badass arsenal.

Speaking of which, I designed myself a business card for my art show in December. Quite happy with the results.

Business Card 2016

Another “what next” was asking two of my friends who also suffer from depression and anxiety to form a Sanity Support group. We met last week, and the prognosis looks good for more get-togethers. This one stone could kill so many Crazy Birds for me that it’s hard to keep my WANTING in check. Patience, Grasshopper.

And since my computer is likely on its way to the Tech Morgue, I treated myself the day I discharged from the hospital with a 32 inch TV and a DVD player. No more incantations, Reiki treatments and uncomfortable yoga positions to get a disk to play in my wheezy computer. Now, all I need do is push a button. Pure Heaven.

New TV

The final “next” for now is working through the book Seeking Safety: A Treatment Manual for PTSD and Substance Abuse with my therapist. I’m sure the next “next” will rise from that.


Medication Talk

I take 6 pills every day for my bipolar disorder. That may sound like a lot to some of you and for some of you it may sound next to nothing. I have friends who take well over a dozen pills each day. What meds do they take? I’m not going to tell you. What meds do I take? I’m…

The post Medication Talk appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Down in the Valley

valleyWed:

It’s been like a bomb dropped on my chest. I just can barely move.

My doctor has gone to shortened hours as he is retiring and it is hard to get in touch with him. I may need to just eat it and find another doctor. I hate it but I need someone I can contact quickly when things go south.

I just don’t need life right now. I got my calendar out and cancelled everything I could for this next week. I just need to hibernate for a while.

I feel like a big failure. I am. I can’t even function on “disabled” mode. I am so angry that my meds have let me down. I don’t feel suicidal, thank god. I am hoping a quick med change will get me back in a few days.

Guilt and hopelessness.

I guess all of my CBT training has gone in the toilet. I just can’t pull it up.

My husband says this is a med issue. I sure hope so. I am taking a week to get together, then I will panic.

Thurs:

Today was tough but better. I got up and used some dry shampoo in my dirty hair. I then had my husband drive me over to get my nails done. So now my finger and toe nails look really decent. This helps a lot. The real shocker is that I put myself together and went to yoga. I was exhausted and had to stop here and there but I did it. I came home and promptly fell asleep. But I feel good that I got out and did it.

Tomorrow: some kind of walk (maybe just around the block) shower (gotta wash that hair), laundry, and a call to my therapist. I can do that.

I’m now taking 2.0 Rexulti/ day and an extra Welbutrin at 1 pm. Hopefully, this will help.

Fri:

Got up at four for no reason. Wanted to go for a walk but having intestinal troubles. Needing to stick close to the bathroom. It’s the extra Rexulti…tough on the system.

So I plan on resting, getting a shower, and talking to my therapist. I could use to do some laundry, but that could wait till tomorrow.

I feel better and clearer mentally today. Just sort of weak. But you know, that yoga yesterday really helped. It seemed to give me a better sense of balance and a little more stamina. I am going to try to put my two yoga classes at the top of my priority list and not schedule other things during them.

No shower so far but I did laundry and did my call with my therapist. We both decided it was time to start LOOKING at least for a new psychiatrist. So I called a recommended one.

The secretary asked me a lot of questions before she would take me. “Have you ever wanted to hurt yourself?” “Have you ever been in the hospital for mental illness?” Gee, maybe I am weird but it seems like most people who need psychiatric help have been suicidal at one time or another. Not to mention being in the hospital. So this secretary told me she would call me back. She did and said I was accepted. So I have an intake appointment in December. I still plan on seeing my existing doctor until I like her and settle in.

Sat:

Got up and took a short walk. So just need a shower for church tomorrow. It’s been like three days since I had a shower. Ack! But that’s all I need to do today. So I can just hang out and take it easy.

I feel better emotionally but not quite right. I think the additional medicine has helped, however.

I am a bit overwhelmed with the idea of Thanksgiving dinner. But I will just keep it simple…maybe even really nice paper plates. I am going to try to just keep it to our family and a close friend and I may just roast a turkey breast instead of a whole turkey. Simple…that’s the key. My kids aren’t fussy and neither is my husband.

Update: I got the shower for church tomorrow.

I also applied to volunteer at a hospice organization. There are all kinds of things to do, such as work at a thrift shop, read to people, etc. I don’t know if I’ll get picked or not but it is close to the house so I can drive without my husband. You can work as little as two hours a week and if you go on vacation you just tell them. At least I would be getting out of the house and helping other people. AND I could drive there myself.

Sun:

Got up and did not want to go to church, but powered through it and went. I felt a bit virtuous and not so guilty. BIG news: I drove to church. I got on the freeway and got off. I was only on for one exit but so what? I did it.

They had the “Christmas Angel” tree up already at church. They use kids from the local homeless shelter. We got a nine and a seven year old. My daughter actually volunteered to go to Target and pick out the gifts if I give her the money. I think that’s a fair deal. I can’t believe the holidays are really here. Just one day at a time.

Nothing to do the rest of the day. Tomorrow is take a walk day and go to my women’s support group. I’m not exactly burning up the world, but I am surviving.

Mon:

Woke up with a pretty sore back. Should get out and walk. Should go to my women’s support group at 3. But probably will do neither. Probably will clean the cat boxes and rest. It’s just not a day for ambition.

I still fear that I will just lie here and die on this couch.

Tomorrow is a busy day. I have a support call at 8, followed by a weigh-in at 10. Then we’re headed to the homeless shelter to drop stuff off. Finally, tomorrow is bipolar group at 3.

Tues: Election Day

My bipolar leader gave me a paper. It says that when one feels depression one feels a lot more than sadness. One feels nothing, sadness, self-loathing, anxiety, guilt (my favorite),hopelessness, and isolation.

I hope you are able to survive this election day. My husband is a news junkie, so I will get a full day of it.

love, lily

 

I’m with her!

Fingers crossed!!!