Daily Archives: November 4, 2016

Trolltally Strange

Right now I’m watching a YouTube video of a screechy person opening troll doll toys.  I’m sitting with my three-year-old niece, and this is one of her favorite “shows.”  It’s not a show.  It’s a person opening toys.  The voice is…how can I describe this?  Think of the high-pitched voice that people use when they talk to babies, but then raise it another octave, make it way too excited, and then put it on the living room surround sound.


I’m sorry, are the excessive capital letters annoying you?  I promise it sounds a thousand times worse if you’re listening to it.

Also, whose brilliant idea was it to make a character who hugs all of her friends every hour on the hour?  If anyone tries to hug me at three o’clock in the morning, they’re probably going to get punched or kicked.  Ask my husband if you don’t believe me.

Hold on, we have a new toy:


To be fair, if my skin was glitter I would probably be naked all the time too.

I’m supposed to be getting work done right now, but I can’t tear my eyes off of this spectacle.  My face is a mix or horror and intrigue.  This video, my friends, has almost a million views.  A MILLION.  Apparently this is a whole channel dedicated to buying toys and opening them.  This culture of three-year-old consumerism is completely new to me.

Oh no, the one year old is trying to plug the laptop cord into his mouth.  Gotta go.

In case you want to view the horror for yourself, I’m putting the link here.  Warning: if you open this at work, make sure no one else is around.  Everyone who hears you watching this video is going to think you’re a freak.



No Tutoring

So I get here, check my email, and find out my student is not coming. So I think I will just hang out here for a bit since I have the room reserved and write some.  Get a change in environment, etc.

DId some running around before I got here–signed my middle one out of school for Senior Day, got gas and breakfast, etc.  That’s why I missed the message since I left so early.  But that’s fine.  I’ll soon pack up and go grocery shopping while it’s still early.

I’m feeling pretty good today–took a while to wake up good but other than that I’ve done fine so far.   Maybe I can stay out of the bed once I get home.

Talked to an old friend last night about bipolar disorder.  She believes her mother is bipolar and wanted to talk somewhat about it.  I didn’t know much to say except to describe my experience.  She and I were in school together back in elementary on up  through senior year. Sometimes we were friends, sometimes we weren’t.  I wonder if we can be friends again now.  We will see.


Dedicated To My Followers And Friends

Yeah, yeah, I am a heavy metal girl.

But the lyrics of the song say more eloquently how I feel for you all than my stunted brain ever could.\

Have  a listen and know…you all are fuckin’ perfect to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58L9zi5DtLo              pink perfect

100% Success Rate For Over 35 Years

That’s right, I have kept myself alive 100% of the time for over 35 years now.  Maybe that’s a funny way of looking at things, but when you live a life that very often involves suicidal ideation or, on the flip side, very dangerous and risky behavior, you have to figure that 100% is a pretty good number at the end of a 35 year stretch.

For all of the moments of “give up” I have had in the past, the fleeting “give ups” that I have at present, and the “give ups” that I know are going to be thoughts in my future as a person who deals with mental illness, I can say that, at this very moment in time, I have no “give ups” in me, at this current time.

Of course, that could change within the next hour or week or month or whatever period of time you can conceive of.  And, it probably will.  But when things are semi-ok, when I have a day, even just a single day where I feel like I have passed through like a semi-successful human being, I need to write it down, to commemorate it, to throw it a freaking ticker-tape parade.  Sometimes I can go really long stretches without a day like today, and every great once in awhile, I will have a string of “give up” free days.  I don’t have a string of them at the moment, but I have today.

Today was a pretty good day.  I had only very fleeting thoughts of going up, and for the most part my mind just kept pushing me to go on farther, harder, faster, better, more efficient, more brave.  I went into a craft store today, and I did not totally freak out while inside, and spent the better part of 30 minutes in there.  That is no small feat, because as a general rule for the past months, I go absolutely nowhere, not even usually to appointments.

But I had a gift card, and the wise mind part of me knows that, if I have materials that inspire me, I will be more likely to do crafting-type-stuff, which, generally, makes me feel a little better.  I pushed myself to go to the craft store, and I had my lucky, ever-consistent LarBear with me, and I did ok.  I didn’t do amazing or great, but I did ok, and I ended up with some new beads that I am pretty excited about.

Even bigger than that adventure, was the fact that I went into a Kwik Shop gas station and picked out my own bottle of water and used the restroom and stayed inside the whole time, even waiting in line with LarBear to pay, and didn’t flee to the safety of the car.  This is an even bigger deal because I have never ever been inside this gas station or into any place of business in this section of town.  I pushed myself because I knew I had to.  I pushed myself because I want to get better and be able to go more places.  And maybe, just maybe, I pushed so hard because I really, really needed to pee.  Whatever the motivation, I’ll take it.

I know I do better when I use skills like build mastery and build structure, which is basically exactly what it sounds like.  Building mastery can range from doing everyday things like cooking a meal to learning a new skill.  It is basically (in my eyes), anything that you can do that you can look at and say, “that is me being productive.”  Building structure is also just like it sounds, keeping a day full and not having too much down time.

Building structure and building mastery are the two skills that are going to give me real success, in the long run, if I can keep them up.  I am looking at what I have done today and I am pleased.  I have made a plan for what I am doing tomorrow, and I have detailed it out on paper.  If I can stick with it, I will have possibly another day of success.

A more stable length of time is started with stringing one day together after another, and so I have my evening yesterday when I made a new recipe and cleaned up the house a bit, and I have today, with the shopping and getting out in public and cooking a healthy dinner.  Hopefully I am able to follow through on tomorrow’s plans, or at least some variation.

Right now, at this moment, I have no “give up” in me, and there is really nothing else I can ask for, more than that.

Filed under: Daily Tagged: accomplishments, art therapy, Bipolar, borderline personality disorder, building mastery, building structure, creativity, DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, don't give up, give up, mental health, mental illness, productivity, success, tasks