Daily Archives: November 1, 2016

Fragile

Filed under: Bipolar Disorder, Caregiving, Depression, Hypomania, Mental Health, Self care Tagged: emotional fragility, exhaustion, mixed state

Counseling Overload

Wow.  Not only did I have counseling twice today (once with my therapist and once with a church therapist) I have homework from both of them.  Plus my homework for my class.  So I will  be writing quite a bit in the next few days.  But that’s all good.  The better to take my mind off of my rejections🙂

I’ve stayed out of bed today. Stayed busy for most of it as well.  I’m just now writing this because I wanted to get my counseling out of the way. My regular counselor wants me to write a companion letter to my letter to my younger self; a letter where that younger self addresses the person I have become.  I think once I do I will send them to my guest blog editor and see if she wants to publish them in some form.

The church counselor I am seeing wants me to develop a scripture notebook where I address the feelings that bring me low by finding verses on their “Holy Spirit opposites”.  Life for rejection feelings, I find verses that speak to acceptance.  Etc.  I think that will be a good exercise in and of itself just to keep those kinds of feelings at the forefront of my mind instead of just all the old shame messages I’ve generated over the years..

 


To Hell and Back, Yet Again

img_1891Mental illness is such a waste of time! People are out there accomplishing brilliant things while I sit at home and cry. People are out walking, talking, working, creating, exploring while I sit at home and have anxiety and panic attacks. I had so many plans to do so many things, but since early September, everything has gone wrong. I’ve been in a mixed phase, meaning elements of both mania and depression either at the same time or alternating one after another are present. This one was not as severe as past ones have been, at least I can be thankful for that. But again, it has stolen my life, my time, my peace of mind, the faith that I am me and will always be me, the belief that I am capable of doing what I set out to do. In this state, I am not me, I cannot accomplish what I wanted to. It’s hellish, and intolerable.

However I feel that I am coming out of it, of course it’s one step forward, two steps back, but I’ll take it. I don’t understand why it hit me so hard this year… well I guess I do… too many traumatic things happened. Anyway, feeling more like myself, and have less anxiety. Thank goodness! Onwards and upwards.


DEAR READER: Boundaries, Intimacy, and Trust

Originally posted on ORGANIC COFFEE, HAPHAZARDLY:
By Kitt O’Malley EDITOR’S NOTE: I think we all hate Facebook messenger at this point. Email and direct messages, especially Facebook direct messages, intrude. I do not feel safe in the secretive world of…

Is Depression an Immune Illness?


Haven’t Written In A Few Days

Today I started off by going for a walk. Didn’t want to do anything but needed to see how focused I am when I wake up and when I wake up and “bake”.

I haven’t felt like writing at all and normally I log in and at least put a sentence but I didn’t feel like doing it either.

I’m depressed. Am  I feeling better, I can’t tell yet.

I’m super frustrated.

ACK!

 


I walked with a zombie

So…in spite of my many mental issues…I took my kid to a church trunk or treat Sunday and then plain old extorting candy from strangers last night. She was a zombie, of course.

zombie-spookI told her to work on her zombie shambling and mumbling.

She started acting like a mummy.

Thus Morgue creates another hybrid, the zumbie.

She had fun. I was…there. No costume. Just…resolved to do what was best for my spawn. Thankfully the weather was warm and dry, and I didn’t even get out of the car at the houses she went to. Lazy? Meh, she’s reached the independent stage where she wants to do some things alone.

On a final note…A song by my hair god, musical genius…The chorus is as catchy as any of this Katy Perry shit, even if you don’t like hard rock music. Check it out, it’s funny stuff.

(Oh, and for anyone who has received an email from me and wondered what the signature WWWD means…What Would Wednesday Do. He’s my guy, what can I say.)


Gold Dust Woman

stevie-nicks

Well, did she make you cry?
Make you break down?
Shatter your illusions of love?
And is it over now?
Do you know how
To pick up the pieces and go home?

Tues:

Well, the Stevie Nicks concert was a big hit. I’ve liked her for quite a while and saw her a few years ago with Rod Stewart. She was great…sang a lot of the old hits, but did some new songs too. She looks pretty good for 68.

I had a weird experience. I am overweight and definitely need to lose some. The arena we were at is a bit old, and the seats are pretty crammed in. But the woman who sat next to me was huge. I honestly don’t know how she squeezed herself into the seat. She must have been miserable. I know I was. I had to lean over into my husband’s lap in order to not pop out of my seat. It was just so bizarre. Reminded me of a plane.

I don’t know what the answer is. I am overweight myself, but I fit pretty loosely into seats. I just felt bad for her and really bad for me. She wasn’t the only hefty person there.

Anyway, Halloween is coming. I saw the candy bars sitting in our laundry room with a big sign on them saying “DON’T TOUCH!”. (That’s from my husband.)

I had a great day with my friend yesterday. We went out to a resort, did a yoga walk, she got a facial, we steamed, meditated, and had a super lunch. I got tired between that and the concert, but I did it all. Today is going to be a quiet day, with me just getting a few little things done.

Thurs:

Didn’t do a whole lot yesterday. Just messed around the house and took a nap.

Today I have to take Sophie in for a new bandage for her foot as she chewed the other one off. If she keeps it up it’s time for the cone!

I may go for free with my son to see a movie later. He can get two of us into the theater. If I’m not too tired and need a nap, I may do that. I also need to do laundry and make some phone calls. Doesn’t this sound like a fun day?

Tomorrow we are going up to a town and doing a train ride around the mountains. They are having sort of an Octoberfest thing and they have beer flights and a German lunch. We’re going with some friends…the same ones we travel with quite a bit. She talks your head off, but otherwise they are great companions.

I like to watch the news and keep up, but am really sick of politics. Would like to move on.

Afternoon update: DROVE out to breakfast and several errands including Costco. Also drove to vet. Plan on driving to movie. Husband and/or son will be in car but that is okay. Am doing much better on daytime driving. Went through some construction zones and did fine.

Fri:

Big news! Went to see The Accountant yesterday with Danny. By the time we got out it was nearly dark. So I drove home in the dark pretty much. I did okay…was a little nervous but did it. So I drove all day yesterday and even a bit in the dark. A very successful driving day!

Sat:

Kind of a crappy morning. Had a good time on the train ride yesterday, but got very scared riding home on the freeway in the dark. I was riding with a really good driver, but he was going 82 at times, which is just too fast for me. I listened to an anxiety app and then to some of my music to get through it.

I got home and Sophie the dog was chewing on her stitches. So we had to go to the cone of shame. She went bananas until I wrapped her in a blanket and held her. She finally slept hard and I sat up with her to keep an eye on those stitches. So I am hung over this morning.

I had planned on getting a shower, getting my nails done, and going to a birthday party tonight. Instead I feel like crying. I am too tired to get a shower or get my nails done, and I’d have to drive back and forth to the party in the dark. I’m scared of that. I may just lie and say I have a headache which is terrible, but I am overwhelmed.

Update for today: I decided my nails could wait a couple of days. I got up and got a shower and picked out some clothes. I am just simply going to drive back and forth to this party. If I get scared and die, then I guess I do.

Sun:

Well, I drove it during the dark and didn’t die. Sort of a miracle. I was nervous but not terrified. But I am definitely not getting on a freeway in the dark any time soon.

The party was really nice and I am glad I went. I could tell my friend was glad I was there. There was a TON of food and I ate too much for my diet. There was the biggest dark chocolate cake I have ever seen. (It was a 60th birthday.) I saw a couple of people I worked with before my breakdown. They just think I had physical medical problems and had to quit. No one asked anything about that. That was a relief. Most of the people I worked with have moved on to other jobs.

I ditched church this morning as I was up again with Sophie, the cone dog. I just worry she will get the string caught on something and she will choke. So I kind of half stay awake and watch her. There is football on TV at 10am and then tonight we are taking my brother-in-law out for his birthday. (He is also 60.) I am going to a movie in the morning with a friend and then getting my nails done. I’d also like to take a small walk for exercise. Then tomorrow night is Halloween. I have to admit it is fun to see all the kids, and even more fun to see my husband get so excited as to whether we’ll have enough candy. (We always do.)

I think I am really doing a lot and need to take some time to rest. But I do feel I am living a pretty “normal” life. It’s just exhausting. I wonder about meaning and if it isn’t just better to lie on the couch. I keep wanting to do some volunteer work, but just don’t have the ability to commit.

Mon: (Halloween)

Got quite a headache last night and feel sort of out of it this morning. No big plans for today…just a movie with a friend and getting my ratty nails done. Then a loud night of doorbells ringing, dogs barking, and kids squealing. I think I may steal a Milky Way bar as that is my favorite.

I am feeling a little depressed today. I just want to cling to my couch. But I am determined not to cancel and to get my commitments done.

I like my house when it is decorated for Christmas. This is a little crazy, but I may make up a bed on a couch in there so I can enjoy the tree and decorations more. Normally I rest in the den.

Update: Saw the movie with my friend. Did not get my nails done as the power was out at the salon. Came home and am feeling very weak and somewhat depressed. Plan on getting a shower and passing out some Halloween candy for a while. Considering raising my Rexulti from 1.5 to 2.0. Last time I did this my anxiety hit the roof. Maybe I am more used to it now. No idea.

Tues:

Tough, tough day. Got the Halloween candy passed out fine. Slept fitfully due to the cone head dog needing to go out a couple of times. (She is getting the stitches out as we speak.) I’m not sleeping well and I know that’s not good.

What I SHOULD do today is get my nails done and go to my bipolar group. I’ll probably stay on the couch. Depression sucks.

hugs to you all-

lily

Movember Forward Contribution by Dyane Harwood

Originally posted on MakeItUltra™:
We are so excited for Movember–Motivation to Move Forward that we couldn’t wait to post our first guest post! Since it is November in most of the world, we here on the west coast would like to kick off Movember with this excellent submission by Dyane Harwood. Stick with us throughout Movember…