I finally feel like I’m back on solid ground. I had a medical scare on Monday night, which prompted an emergency doctor’s appointment. I had an EKG, chest X-ray and probably a 15 panel blood draw. In addition I have to wear a device that is essentially a 24 HR EKG that records my heart and then a doctor can read the data. On top of this my lithium level was at 1.6. I was nauseous, vomiting, lightheaded, and disoriented for 2 days.
I’m not used to my physical health being in question. Usually, just my mental health. Its scary! My mind was quickly and easily convinced I was dying. My heart was damaged, I just knew it. I’ve spent days in the last 6 months plotting my own demise. I’ve written a suicide note, moved money from one account to another for my husband to access, and made amends where needed. I had reached a pretty resolute place. Then as it seems to do, my mood changed. But, seems to me I was in “control” of whether I stayed or if I go.
However, this week as I sat helpless waiting to hear about my test results, not feeling well or like myself, I realized (once again) I have very little power over most things. My test results trickled in and for the most part were negative. There are a few red flags I have to follow up on. I’m just going to breathe and take it one day at a time.
Posted in Read Along
Chips’s lively, off-the-wall presentation made me laugh out loud. Even if you don’t give a hoot about book covers, publishing, or the like, please watch his short talk. I guarantee you’ll find it fascinating! What’s literary limbo? It’s not a West Indies-originated exclusive dance for men. (I always learn something new when … Continue reading In Literary Limbo……….
Slowly grinding away at my book review. I seem to have a very short attention span for it today. I do a paragraph and then turn it off and do something else. I did sleep in today but I have done other things and seem to be awake for good now. So that is a plus.
I seem to have finally become immune to caffeine. I drank a big bottle of Coke this morning and still went back to bed after everybody left. So I guess that ‘s not helping me any more. My mood is better than it was a few days ago, so that is an improvement. I don’t feel as hopeless as I did just Tuesday.
Slowly, slowly progressing along it seems like. I’ve seen some people, bloggers, other writers, able to wax so poetic about their depressions. I’m not like that, it seems. Maybe it’s because I[m not really a poetic type, although I have published a little poetry. But nothing about depression brings out poetry in me. I just get lower and lower until I can hardly write at all.
Last night I sat watching people I love being around having a really great time but I felt like I was on the outside and just showing a mask to everyone. It was weird.
Tonight I’m just tired of this depression. Every day I hope I get better and every day I don’t. It’s a lot to take.
It’s very hard to entertain when all you want to do is be in bed.
I am also noticing that I am not enjoying being high as much as I was before. I’ll have to do some research on this.
I’ll let you know whatever I figure out.