Daily Archives: October 20, 2016

Visiting With Mom

My mom came yesterday that is why I didn’t post. Plus I had mom in law and sis in law and some kids over as well.

Tonight we’re going to watch the remake of rocky horror picture show, stoned off our asses.


New Physical Malady Intersecting with Existing Mental Illness Equals a Flare on Both Sides

I know I have blogged briefly about my skin issues and recurrent staph infections and the like, and now I have an official diagnosis:

Hidradenitis Suppurativa

You can read all about it in that link, or you can just know that it is a very painful autoimmune disease, with a genetic component, has no cure, and basically a person with this disorder has sweat glands that never developed correctly and is plagued with boils, nodules, and blisters that develop most often in places where skin rubs together.  It is considered a rare disease, there is much conflict about how to treat it (from surgery to antibiotics), and it is really hard to find a doctor that knows much about it.  There is a great deal of stigma around the disease, as misinformation abounds and let me just say that it is NOT caused by poor hygiene and it is NOT caused by being overweight (although some people anecdotally find relief by going on keto diets).  It is believed that everyone has different triggers for flares, and so far I have found that my main flare is stress.  That is a relief, of course, since heaven knows I have no anxieties or great fears or stress.  Hahahahahah!!!

I have actually be unknowingly dealing with this disease for years, it has just now reached the point where it is much worse and is needing treatment.  I learned of the diagnosis a week ago, and, rather than being disappointed in having yet another label to my name, it is actually helpful because now I can research and pinpoint and see what might help me.

I have my primary care doctor making a referral to the premiere teaching hospital in my area, basically the same place where anyone goes when they have a rare or serious disease and is not receiving adequate care locally.  I am hopeful to have an appointment within the next few weeks.  In the meantime, I am just trying to minimize pain, not aggravate things, and learn all that I can.

This flare in HS symptoms has created a bit of a flare in my depression and anxiety, which were on the uptick before I even knew this was what I was dealing with.  I am trying to stick to building structure and building mastery, as in keeping a schedule and trying to do new things out of my comfort zone.

LarBear has not been well lately, and it is becoming clear to me that I need to at some point learn that YES I CAN go into a grocery store by myself or go into a gas station and pay for gas or all of those little tasks that he takes care of so that I can pretend I don’t exist in the world and keep me from interacting with anyone.

I am midway through this current round of DBT group, and have discussed with my group leader, and I am going to at the very least take a break after it is done.  I have about six more months in this module, so its not coming to an end anytime soon, but I really feel the need to leave myself the possibility of more sessions in the future (insurance limits to four) and I am also getting slightly bored with things.

I have been having the hardest time leaving my house, and I think part of that stems from the fact that my house is so comfortable and clean and chaos-free now.  I do a lot of sitting on the porch and listening to music and writing, but have not been doing much crafting.  I really feel as if I have no talent whatsoever and I especially feel like I am wasting my time in art therapy.  Ok, I’m painting, but I’m horrible at it.  I am a failure at it.  I really just don’t feel a creative bone in my body other than writing.  At least I still have writing.

I went through a meltdown earlier this week because I decided that I was not entitled to the depression I have been feeling.  I mean, life is GOOD, I just feel so very sad.  Very, very sad.  I can’t explain it, and I can only hope that working on building structure and building mastery and trying my hardest to stay busy will bring me out of it.  That, and my med doc has given me a tiny dose of an antidepressant that is an SNRI.  Just hoping it doesn’t make me manic.

So, that’s life for now and I’m going to keep on living it.  My survival rate to this point is 100% and I intend to keep it that way.

Filed under: Collection of Thoughts Tagged: anxiety, bipolar disorder, DBT, dialectical behavior therapy, hidradenitis suppurativa, HS, labels, medical issue, mental health, physical health, psychology


I feel kind of sick to my stomach today.  I ran out of my reflux medicine and thought I had more but I actually had to wait until today and buy more.  So I don’t really feel good today.  I’m trying to do laundry and seeing how much I can get done and be through with it for once this week.  Mostly it’s mine I’ve let get behind.  So I’ve been working on that.

I also have a headache, which I am not sure what brought that about.  I haven’t had one this bad in a long time. It almost feels like the migraines I used to have, but I stopped having those after I had my oldest child.  I don’t know what it might be from except spending too much time on the computer.

WEnt to eat lunch with Bob today–we didn’t eat where we had planned because the road to it was closed from the office. So we ate at the nearly barbeque joint–which did not help my tummy.  His office is getting ready to do inventory so they are busy preparing for that tomorrow.  I just hope it goes smoothly and he’s home on time tomorrow.

I think I’m going to go back to bed after finishing this,  I just don’t feel good at all.


BpHope Post #11

Ready. Set. Sail! Hey. Still depressed. I just have been trying to keep myself busy and active so things are a little on the slow side. I’m slowly climbing my way back out of the whole despair with Mark and moving on with my life. A friend told me it was ME who left HIM … More BpHope Post #11

Ready for My Close-Up…Not!

Neanderthal Dyane  (Painted by my beloved father, the violinist Richard Leshin, 1927-2009) Here I am, looking slightly less like a member of the Homo neanderthalensis species (Thanks to Crystal Crafton of rap.ture photography)   I hate having my picture taken.  I posed for pics at my wedding only because I drank two bottles of Perrier … Continue reading Ready for My Close-Up…Not!

I Don’t Want To Be a Survivor – Throwback

Today’s Throwback is from November 3, 2014 “I don’t want to be thought of as a survivor because you have to continue getting involved in difficult situations to show off that particular gift, and I’m not interested in doing that anymore.” – Carrie Fisher Something I learned over ten years ago is that getting sober is hard. Harder than I…

The post I Don’t Want To Be a Survivor – Throwback appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

The bad side of benzos

I will be the first among many of you who I hope will follow, and admit that I am benzo dependent. It started 6 years ago when I had a […]

Fuck a Fancy Bag Of Fuck Knuckles

My sinus drainage today is making me miserable, as it has all week. Was just this tickle at the back of my throat and a nagging cough everyone mocked and told me was annoying. This morning I feel like I am drowning in my own snot. How attractive is that? Geeze, being human kinda sucks.

Yesterday was another one of those “did I get out of bed for THIS” days.  My nephew got his diploma from his mail order school and I couldn’t afford a gift so I thought, well, I can cook a meal and we can all eat together. Which for me meant a trip to the under renovation Aldi (what a mess) then another store for the noodles. Traffic frayed my nerves cos I can’t stand driving behind slow people nor understand idiots so busy with their damned smart phones they’re driving on MY side of the road and nearly take out my damned bumper. Two words: RETROACTIVE ABORTION. Stupid people should just not exist.

Yes, I am PMS-ing and my mood is shit. I have knives and an attitude, wanna poke the bear some more?

Ugh. It was like trudging uphill to cook the meal, to drag it to my mom’s, to sit and smile and laugh and pretend that I want to do this shit. Plus, nephew and his fiance were into it so she sat in her car until he was done eating and went upstairs then she came in to eat. So much bloody drama.

We came home. I smelled gas. Nearly had a heart attack to realize…when I turned off my noodles…I didn’t turn the knob off totally so no flames but gas leaking…FUCK. My luck I would blow up my home and it’d either be “oh, she left a lit cigarette going” or “she was trying to off herself”. Um…No. Depression wipes out your memory. The meds to help the mood shit also affect your memory and focus. I’m just screwed.

Following this debacle…My kid, too lazy to get her own cup of water, grabs mine, takes a gulp, and rushes off to her friends…but doesn’t bother making sure the cup landed on the table. Instead it hit the floor, splashed EVERYWHERE. Laptop, cooling fans, my pants, my bed, the floor, everywhere. And I panicked and turned the computer down and laid back so water would drain out instead of soaking in all the while wailing GET ME A TOWEL.

What does my kid do? She stomps off sobbing “I am so stupid!”, hitting herself in the head, and doesn’t bring me a towel.

Fortunately, the computer is still working but I nearly died when all that happened. She is so careless. It’s not stupidity or clumsiness. She just can’t focus or won’t and she is impulsive and careless. Things that scare me because what if she’s in such a hurry to get to her friends she looks one way but not both ways and a car runs over her? FFS.

To further torture myself, I watched a bit of the debate. Not cos I give a fuck but because I wanted to be armed for the next onslaught by R and his man boner for Trump. Guess what? Trump behaved like a petulant child not getting his way and Hillary seemed to keep her cool. But sociopaths can lie without it registering at all so…I gave up after fifteen minutes. Especially after Trump made it clear if he gets in, he will appoint more republican justices and have Roe V Wade turned over. And what was that diatribe about women getting abortions three or four days before the baby is due? Does this man even have a fucking clue what he’s on about? I just know my vagina is NOT his or anyone else’s business.

thumbClassy, eh? True, though.

Around nine my mom called in a panic. My uncle with bone cancer took a turn for the worst, after he’d been improving and handling chemo well, they were rushing him to the hospital in the capitol for surgery. I still haven’t heard word what’s going on beyond that.

At ten the texting chihuahua struck. Then called. And bitched me out for not taking his calls for two days when in fact, I didn’t receive any calls from him. I swear to god he makes this shit up cos he knows my “obama phone” is a five dollar piece of shit with iffy service he can use against me. He got all pissy and said, “Can you at least show up at the shop for two hours tomorrow?”

I told him if he’s seeking a hard commitment, I can’t give it. More diatribe from him.

I told him about my uncle and he just kept on about him, him, him.

The man needs to chill out and back off. The other morning, I actually woke up with a panic attack waiting for his current demands and knowing he needed this board and that capacitor and I needed to get on that…Unhealthy doesn’t begin to cover it. I think I am reaching the end of my tether. May be time to invite Mrs R out for a soda or something and talk to her about how to get him tamed down without completely wrecking our friendship. I don’t want to explode the whole damned thing and if anyone can talk sense to him, it’s her. She’s my only ally.

I see my shrink tomorrow, unless they change it again cos aliens stole his BMW so he has to leave. FUCK.

If I weren’t battling the seasonal depression, all the abrupt weather shifts (one day 90 degrees, then down to fifties and rainy)…All this other crap in my life would make me want to gargle razor blades anyway.

But I am not gonna do that. Depression will not win. The suck ass world will not defeat me. I am a badass waiting for my chance to Z Whack some zombies or politicians and only then will I wave the white flag on this shithole world.

To end this rant with a bit of  “if you can still laugh, you’re ok”…

lilslashers-black-750x750catfan_m_product-750x750spikedtea_env3__43583-1469127248-1280-12801011161551-001012161549-00(I take my computer culture seriously even in my sleep.)

The Sad Ending to Asia Bibi: Justice Delayed Is Justice Denied | Clarion Project


While UNESCO busied itself with cobbling together a resolution trumpeting that the Jewish People have no historical connection to Jerusalem (?????), Asia Bibi sat in jail awaiting “judgement.”

Her crime?

Drinking from a Moslem well.  Bibi is Christian.

As I have just learned from this article, the Moslems in that part of Pakistan (I don’t know how this works, so I’ll only reference exactly what is reported) believe that Asia Bibi contaminated the well by the fact that she is Christian.  

Somehow, the fact that Asia Bibi, a Christian, drank from a Moslem well challenges the legitimacy of…something….so that she is accused of blasphemy.  How this is, I do not know.

And yet UNESCO does not condemn this.  There is no world outcry.

Asia Bibi will either be hanged outright, or she will die in prison, for the “crime” of being Christian and drinking from a Moslem well.

Pet Therapy and Mania

This is Part 4 in a 5-Part Series: 
"When the World is Too Bright: An Intensive View of Mania from On the Ground"

(Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 Here)

I moved back home with my mother a few years ago for financial reasons. Now that I’m back in graduate school, it’s been an even bigger help. My mom has a teensy tiny Yorkie, named Brandi. Brandi can be a handful! She loves to give sloppy kisses and to sleep on top of your head or under your back. She’s also a bit aggressive (aren’t the smaller dogs always are?!) with other dogs and some people. But she can be a sweetheart.

When I started to feel manic, I’m sure she sensed it. She followed me around even more than usual. Most nights, she chose to sleep with me rather than in her own bed or with my mom. And I appreciated every minute of it.

When I have been hospitalized or have attended IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) in the past, we have done pet therapy with dogs. I am no animal lover, but there is something about animals loving on humans when we don’t feel our best. It is an immediate mood booster and spirit lifter.

Or in the case of my mania, it slows me down and takes me out of my head. When caring for Brandi, if my mom forgets, I have to remember to feed her and take her for walks. I have to say that it is nice not to have the full responsibility of caring for Brandi, but I do appreciate her presence in my life.

Brandi’s kisses.      

           Cuddling with Brandi.            

Lounging in the backyard with Brandi. 
I work; she plays.

Out for a walk.

Trying to get a head-on shot with her is so hard!
Brandi – look at the camera!

She loves the sun!
She will seek it out wherever it lands in the house.