Daily Archives: October 11, 2016

I stand

Today has not been a very good day for me. I spent much of it wondering if I should quit my job or not. The people are amazing, I love them, and they keep me laughing. But today I witnessed something that genuinely shocked me. You see my place of employment has certain food items that are sold for certain prices. A couple of weeks ago while all the big bosses were out of town a women came thru and order ice cream in a cup. We have a specific container that this is put in and a specific amount for what we charge. This woman wanted ice cream put into a different container basically because she would get more ice cream for the same money. When our manager that day tried to explain the difference and that we couldn’t do what she wanted and charge the price she wanted. The woman literally cussed her out, using the c*** name and several other unnecessary comments. Mind you this whole situation was like a 5 minute ordeal. It wasn’t easily dealt with and it ended with the woman leaving with out general managers number. Fast forward to today. I pick up these to cups of ice cream(the wrong cups) and I say, ” are we really going to give her these?” I was told yes and handed a gift card to give her as well. Then she proceeded to act like she was getting charged too much for what she was getting. When all the time she was getting probably twice as much ice cream as she should have been getting. 

Anyway, it made me sick. It made me very upset. My first thought was if we aren’t going to stand for something what’s the point. Why do we have prices and specific ways we do something if we are just going to change them and adjust when someone throws a fit. Did I say I couldn’t believe it?? Well, I couldn’t. I am all for making things right and always being as nice and friendly as we can be…..but there has to be a line, there has to be some things that we won’t stand for. I guess it hurts me more because these are people who profess to be Christians and have a group of stores and people that want to seek to do the right thing. How is rewarding someone for extremely bad behavior good for anyone?? Most of all your employees and anyone else that may witness these transactions and issues. I am honestly blown away by this. I still can’t really believe it. I will be seeking different employment in the near future. What’s that song? “You’ve gotta stand for something or you will fall for anything”. I believe that is true and I increasingly believe that more people should be willing to stand for something. And that more people should infact stand on what is right!

I don’t know anyone that would have faulted my bosses for not catering to this women even to the point of asking her not to return. And it isn’t fair to those people that pay what they are supposed to pay or get the amount that is supposed to be give.  It’s not fair to me. I try to do the right thing. I know that there are times I fail and fail miserably. But I am always conscious of and try to make sure that I am behaving in a way that people see good in me. But also that people know that I stand for something and won’t allow certain things in my home or around me. 

We have become a people that very rarely if ever stand. We let people who act badly and talk badly influence who we are and what we do. We allow those people to call us names, or tell us we are wrong, when in fact we are right! We should be standing and shouting. Not sitting and cowering. We should be standing together and fighting for what is right instead of allowing a select few to keep us quiet. 

You stand for the national anthem. You just do. You put your right hand over your heart and show respect for not only the amazing country that we live in but the men and women who have fought and died protecting and fighting for us to be free. Why is it so hard to understand that sitting or kneeling is disrespectful, period. It doesn’t matter who you are: if you are fighting social injustice, or race relations, or the fact that black men are dying at a rapidly growing rate in this country because no one will stand up. Colin Kaepernick is a punk kid who should have his butt whooped. While I do agree that there is an epidemic of social injustice in this country specificly in black communities disrespecting our flag and our country is not the way to draw attention to it. I will leave that there because I do not have any more knowledge on the race issue. I struggle with it because I don’t see race and I don’t understand why I am the one that’s wrong here. But that’s for another time. And maybe one day I will have a friend that’s close enough I can have a real conversation and ask my thousands of questions. 

Back to standing!! You stand for what you believe. Every time you let someone convince you not to you let a little peace of yourself go. I am all for picking your battles and making change where you can. But sometimes all you need to do is stand and that is it. 

So for now and for the rest of my life I will stand. I will stand against customers who behave horribly, I will stand with the police and the firefighters, EMTS. Even when some of them behave badly I will still stand beside them. I will stand beside the men and women who fight for our country and get basically nothing in return except a body that is falling apart and in many cases a mind that isn’t too much better if it isn’t worse. I will stand and I will scream. I will get mad and run my mouth I will quit jobs or stop my kids from participating in things that we can’t stand up for. 

Mostly, I will stand for the flag and our country because I know that without this country my Bipolar probably never would have been diagnosed, much less treated, mostly successfully. Or at least in a way that has completely changed my life. This country and its soldiers have given me and you more than you could ever have gotten alone. The soldiers in this country deserve more respect than an over paid, rich, mixed race kid kneeling forniut country’s song!! My grand fathers and my husband deserve more respect and they deserve for all of us to STAND UP!! Because if we don’t who else will??

Be blessed. Feel free to chime in. I have strong thoughts but I am always willing to consider others opinions. 

“Keep On Survivin’” – Survivor (Destiny’s Child)

  Now that you’re out of my life I’m so much better You thought that I’d be weak without you But I’m stronger You thought that I’d be broke without you But I’m richer You thought that I’d be sad without you I laugh harder You thought I wouldn’t grow without you Now I’m wiser … More “Keep On Survivin’” – Survivor (Destiny’s Child)

I Have A Confession…

Ready. Set. Sail! Hey there everyone. I’m coming to you live from my cat dander filled bed to bring you some good news and some not so good news. Remember I said that I was going through some stuff but wasn’t prepared to tell all? Well now that I’m in more of a stable mindset, … More I Have A Confession…

I witnessed stigma in the making today.


Today I had the opportunity to attend a lunch n’ learn on bipolar disorder.  The gentleman presenting was a clinical psychologist who I have known from being on a working group together.  He is a very nice man.  However, today I witnessed one of the things that contribute to the stigma of mental illness in an astounding way.

His talk started out very informative about bipolar disorder signs and symptoms.  He explained really well about mania, depression and everything in between.  But then the whole talk took a downward turn.  He started sharing six stories about people he had involuntarily committed.  If the story had been told from a factual standpoint on how people with bipolar disorder can put themselves at risk, I would have been fine with it.  Except the stories told were laughed at and even the audience laughed as well.  At one point a YouTube Video was shown of a man who said he was experiencing a manic episode.  It was over the top.

I guess you had to be there to really understand my perspective.  I did not want to be rude and get up and leave, so I sat through a very painful hour of stigmatizing people with mental illness as crazy, looney and psycho with no hope for recovery.  At one point I considered raising my hand and saying, “I am one of those bipolar type I patients who have recovered.  What can you say about me?”  I decided against that strategy.

What I did do is tell the organizer who joked about having a manic episode based on all the criteria he just learned that the talk needed to be more balanced.  Yes there are people with bipolar disorder who run naked in neighborhoods.  Yes there are people with bipolar disorder who are homeless.  But there is also another side.  These people are someone’s wife, husband, friend, daughter, son, brother, sister etc.  .

Rather than embarrass the speaker I decided to have a private conversation with him at the end.  I said to him, “I have bipolar disorder type I.  Did you know that?”  “No I didn’t know that,” he said rather surprised.  And then I said, “I have my own sensational stories.  But I am also an Olympian, have a master’s degree and have worked in Corporate America for many years.  And by the way, people do recover.”

I think he was shocked that I said that to him.  Of course I was very diplomatic, but it really struck a cord with me.  I will have the opportunity to speak with this audience in March.  I plan to spend a great deal of time talking about stigma.  I hope what I say will help repair some of the damage that was done today.

Mental Health and Independence

I’ve dealt with mania and depression my entire life, but never to the degree that it was 12ish or so years ago before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The several years after diagnosis was even worse as we tried to find the right med cocktail that would work for me. The seizures, anxiety attacks, crying for no reason, the…

The post Mental Health and Independence appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Turned In

So after getting reads from a couple of people in my creative writing program, I sent off my article to the BIG magazine and will wait and see what happens to it.  I would so love the exposure for the blog and for my story to try to help other people.  We will see what happens.  I can think of lots of other stories they could hear that might be more appealing, but I think mental health is a big topic that doesn’t get enough attention.  I hope I can bring some to it through this article.  We will see.

Seems like it’s going to be a long day today.  I am sleepy but not sleepy enough to actually take a nap.  I need to do my work for my class and should get to it after I finish here.  But I might jut goof off today after doing all the running around yesterday.  I haven’t decided.


The Slide



So I am up early today and feeling sort of weak. I am bound and determined to go to a movie with a friend in a few hours.

I feel like I am sliding backwards. I am off my diet and off any exercise program I was on. I’m not even sewing. I have been really upset with Danny and also with my husband. I feel like he is taking Danny’s side about it all. Danny has a way of being rude when his dad is not around. It’s all irritating. I am just tired.

Not much happening today which is good. I just feel like a Klonopin and a soft bed.


Not much better so far. It is Thursday at 4 am and I am awake and stressed. I plan on a Klonopin and a nap today. First though, I plan on slowly working through my written routine to get back on track. I’ll do what I can. I just feel so out of sorts.

Having trouble with my supplemental insurance paying its part of my therapy. It’s only about $19 a session (two sessions a month) we are missing, but my therapist got a little testy about it. I told her we would just pay her and get the money ourselves from the insurance. My husband talked to them on the phone and cleared it up. But I wasn’t crazy about my therapist’s attitude. (This is the CBT one). I should CBT my thoughts about her.

My husband will be at a work meeting all day so I will be alone. I hope to rest and listen to my audiobook. No big plans. I have a girlfriend coming in Saturday for the weekend. I love her and she is just the nicest person. She always has a way of making you feel good. But I’ve got to get a few things done around the house before she comes.


Another tough day to get going. Just can’t seem to get into my routine. Feel very fragile.

Am going with Danny this afternoon to see my talk therapist. I already got my shower so that is good. Plan to just rest tonight. Feel awfully weak.


A little weak today again. Went with Danny to the therapist yesterday. We talked all together for a while, then she asked to just speak with him. He was very positive about it and even made another appointment for a few weeks out! I considered that a victory.

I’m still struggling to get on my feet exactly. I’m not sure what is wrong. It just seems I get knocked down and really struggle more and more to get up. I just want a Klonopin and a nap, but I know I can’t do that every four hours. (I’d never get up!)

My friend is coming to see me either tonight or tomorrow morning. We have some fun things planned. I hope it all works out but I am just so tired.

I’m starting to think I AM depressed.

Mon morning:

It’s only 5:30am and I’ve been awake for a while with some back pain.

My friend came yesterday and we had a great time together. We did a stretch class, got a massage, hung out by the pool, and had a nice lunch. She is so easy to be with. And I just admire her. She has a simple, but very busy life.

After she left, I was just exhausted. I fell asleep pretty hard.

Today is not a big deal. Am going to a cosmetics store with my daughter and then having lunch.

Tomorrow we are planning on going to the ZOO! I hope it works out. We have one car that is sick and needs to go in to the shop. Hopefully we can still make our plans. However, it is awfully hot still. We may wait till the holidays to go. It’s pricey and I’d like to stay most of the day.

Update for Monday: Did make the shopping and the lunch, but am totally paranoid. Not about people around me, but about the feeling that “I am doing something wrong”. I’ve had this feeling before. I don’t see the pdoc till the 22nd, but I called him to see if I could get in early. I’m sure they’ll put me on a cancellation list.

I am just worn out.


No zoo today…we’ve moved it to the holidays. Just too hot right now to stay  out all day.

Feeling a bit stronger today but still would be happy to just give up and lie down. Planning on going to a movie with daughter and then to my bipolar support group.

Just a frail week. Hope to be stronger next week.