So I thought I’d post since I am still on a high from watching last night’s Z Nation. Who knew the zombie apocalypse was a mood booster. But as I’ve always said, be it zombies or a virus or the economy tanking and turning the US into a third world country…There would be no more class wars. It would be survival of the fittest. I like an even playing field.
So I managed to smooth things over with R. After being lectured half a dozen times about how I am “slipping a cog” these days. DUH. How many times do I have to explain the depression and anxiety, ffs. I am well aware I am slipping many cogs. Fucking up the simplest things, forgetting shit ten seconds after it’s said, looking at ringing phones like they are ticking time bombs. I KNOW.
And sure, my stress level would go down significantly were I to write this friendship off. Something in me says not yet. Mainly because my car has no dash lights or heat and I can’t afford a mechanic so…Plus, I feel less shitty about being a smoker when someone else is buying and I don’t have to feel shittier for taking the money out of my kid’s budget for survival. Lame excuses? Maybe. But I don’t do conflict or confrontation well, that stresses me out just as much as the constant demands and lack of empathy. It’s a catch 22. Maybe I should stop griping about it but then, I’d have to fire the mail man or the fire department or every little thing that sets me off kilter and sends me into panic. Life is what it is. Venting is good.
So he was here pretty much every night this week. To visit? Yeah, right. He brings all this shit he wants to work on, parts to find, because ya know, he lives and breathes work and it’s always been who he is, it’s not simply making a living. It was long ago established that I am not superwoman, I cannot keep the pace he or his perfect high functioning family does. I need to shut my brain off at some point. That’s where the mistakes start happening, when I’ve pushed myself beyond my limits. You can’t reason with a workaholic, though. So I suck it up, vent about it, and lather, rinse, repeat.
On the plus side…My kid is doing well at school. I turned the doctor’s ADHD assessment papers to the teacher, told her to take a little time, see if she notices anything off kilter in Spook’s behavior. Even explained the bipolar/ADHD/ single mom angle and how she is suddenly getting aggressive towards the very friends she worships. It worries me. I’m a mom, I worry.
I took her to the book fair and guess what? Mom got a treat for a change.
I lurve my Doctor Who Tardis poster!!!! Of course, R saw it and gave me the money to get him one, too.
We were invited by Mrs. R last night to come over. I didn’t want to go because socializing is exhausting but during an up moment, I agreed and decided not to flake out. I should have. I sensed the tension from the moment I got there. We weren’t there an hour and he and wifey were into it and she told us it was time leave. YES. I don’t do conflict well. It was awkward. All over his daughter’s exorbitant medical bills for her kid’s X Rays and he was ranting about that and his wife, a radiology professor, tried to calm him down and he felt she was emasculating him in front of his kid…
Save the drama for the llamas.
I must admit, I felt bad for Ursula. The eldest daughter who has the master’s in psychology. Her 4 year old has one leg growing faster than the other, so she took her to two different hospitals and the one in town charged triple for the exact same X Rays and even after insurance, she owed almost two grand. She broke down in tears because she worked 65 hours that week and said, “I have to medically neglect my child to feed her! My kids are getting X Rays for Christmas!”
Empathy is my weak spot. No matter how shitty people are to me, I can usually find empathy inside myself. Of course, I saw this coming, because she and hubby have a consistent habit of living above their means, then taking in the foster kids and having seven vehicles. Still…I felt bad for her. And I feel rage towards the healthcare system that gets away with this shit.
He did send me an apology text last night for his behavior. That’s something for him.
Today I wanted to hit the last of the yard sales for the season. It didn’t happen. No zest. I made the list of addresses and all but come morning…I couldn’t be bothered driving all over town with a purse full of coins to spend. That’s depressing but pretty much the norm for the seasonal depression.
So instead we went out for bread, eggs, and cat food. The wild extravagant life.
Now I am gonna vegetate because I am peopled the fuck out. Maybe if I just say fuck it and zone out for awhile, I will get the give a damn to do some housework. Whatevs.
At least today I am not wishing someone would mercy me.
That could change at any time so keep your weapons handy in case I need you.