Daily Archives: October 1, 2016

Wait, Where’s the Part Where I’m Perfect?

I was three years old, and I was learning to tie my shoes.

I had just failed with the clumsy laces for the millionth time (Does the rabbit run around the hole or through it first?  What is this rabbit running from?  Does anyone else think that shoelaces look nothing like a rabbit?)  My mom showed me how to do it again, perfectly tying her shoes on the first try.

Tears filled my eyes, I threw my shoe down, and I said, “I wish I was a grown-up.  I can’t wait until I understand everything and never make mistakes again.”

Oh poor baby Hazel, if you only knew.  My mom told me what I said wasn’t true, but I didn’t believe her.  I never saw her with untied shoes.  I never saw her in time-out.  Clearly her life was perfect.

I’m having one of those weeks where I have the opposite of the Midas touch: instead of everything I touch turning to gold, everything I touch is turning to poo.  I got to work late three out of five days this week. I made a parent mad with one of my lesson plans (even though I worked so hard on it!).  I dropped the football on a key play during a staff football game.  I got rejected by another agent who showed interest in my book (I know people say that rejection is part of a writer’s life, which is true, but – crazy thought here – is acceptance ever a part of it?  Ever??).  I even made a big mistake on this blog. I unintentionally wrote something hurtful and offensive in my last post, and I hope anyone who saw it will accept my sincerest apology.  I truly didn’t mean to hurt anyone, and I was being thoughtless with my words because I was angry.  I had no malicious intent.  Scout’s honor, it will not happen again.

Dang – good thing I’m not actually a scout.  If I was trying to survive in the wilderness this week, I’d be dead for sure.  I was a girl scout in second grade only.  I sold cookies and did a report on Kenya.  I hope that’s enough to make my aforementioned “scout’s honor” legitimate.  If not, invent another promise for yourself.  I’ll promise that instead.

Other jobs I’m thankful to not have this week: surgeon (mistakes would kill people), the person in charge of our nuclear arsenal (mistakes would kill a lot of people), veterinarian (mistakes could kill puppies), stock broker (mistakes could cost people millions), Trump’s public relations manager (because that job would just suck in general).

I wish that there was some age where suddenly mistakes evaporated and I could effectively do all the things, but if there’s an age where that happens then I know I haven’t hit it yet.  It should have kicked in by now, because I’m pretty adult on all levels: I’m married.  I have a full-time job.  I have a house.  I consistently tie my own shoes without error.

Then again, I occasionally have ice cream for breakfast and my favorite color is still sparkles.  I tell people it’s teal so I don’t sound like I’m four, but I don’t think I ever fully grew out of “my favorite color is sparkles.”  Maybe this means I’m not a full adult yet.  There is still hope for my dream of perfection!!

Well, no there’s not, but I still feel a little let down by adulthood.  I feel like I let people down more consistently than I make anyone smile, and I always hoped I would grow out of that one day.  Especially this week, I feel like my life is one mistake after another.

Whoa, hold on, this post is teetering on the edge of the rocky cliff marked “Pity Party.”  If there’s one party I don’t want to join, it’s that one.  Let’s turn this ship around quickly, people (don’t ask why my ship is on a rocky cliff.  My blog, my rules.  My ship needs no water).  Instead of a pity party, let’s go to the kind of party where a guinea pig wears a sombrero.


Phewf!  Way better.  Don’t ask me what kind of party that is, but I want to be there.  He’s wearing a sombrero.

Cheers to a weekend reset and hopefully a better week next week.


Antisocial Personality Disorder


Having a relationship with a person with Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) can leave you feeling like you have no idea what happened, or like you may have been hit by a Mack truck, but you’re not quite sure if you have, or maybe the person is perfectly fine and right but it is you who is all wrong and definitely all crazy. But, really, don’t believe it, these people are master manipulators and will have you under their control and eating out of their hand in no time at all. You are not a sociopath, so you are not engaging in these controlling, manipulating behaviors. My psychiatrist asked me to look up Antisocial personality disorder upon hearing about some of the behavior of one of my “friends”! I did and lo and behold, this friend of mine was staring at me from the Mayo Clinic ASPD page. Well it’s good to finally know what was going on all the time, in interactions with this friend, why I felt strange and controlled and felt like normal rules didn’t apply in our friendship. Knowledge is power. I know therefore I am armed against such manipulative, damaging people.

I have put all there was in the Mayo Clinic ASPD pages below, so others can learn and protect themselves against this awful personality disorder. I even wish my friends who suffer from this can gain some insight from this post and perhaps get some help.

Love and peace.



Individuals with antisocial personality disorder often violate the law, becoming criminals. They may lie, behave violently or impulsively, and have problems with drug and alcohol use. Because of these characteristics, people with this disorder typically can’t fulfill responsibilities related to family, work or school.

Symptoms and causes


Antisocial personality disorder signs and symptoms may include:

  • Disregard for right and wrong
  • Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others
  • Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others
  • Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure
  • Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated
  • Recurring problems with the law, including criminal behavior
  • Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty
  • Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead
  • Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, aggression or violence
  • Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others
  • Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others
  • Poor or abusive relationships
  • Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them
  • Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations
 Adults with antisocial personality disorder typically show symptoms of conduct disorder before the age of 15. Signs and symptoms of conduct disorder include serious, persistent behavior problems, such as:
  • Aggression toward people and animals
  • Destruction of property
  • Deceitfulness
  • Theft
  • Serious violation of rules

Although antisocial personality disorder is considered lifelong, in some people, certain symptoms — particularly destructive and criminal behavior — may decrease over time. But it’s not clear whether this decrease is a result of aging or an increased awareness of the consequences of antisocial behavior.

When to see a doctor

People with antisocial personality disorder are likely to seek help only at the urging of loved ones. If you suspect a friend or family member may have the disorder, you might gently suggest that the person seek medical attention, starting with a primary care physician or mental health professional.


Personality is the combination of thoughts, emotions and behaviors that makes everyone unique. It’s the way people view, understand and relate to the outside world, as well as how they see themselves. Personality forms during childhood, shaped through an interaction of inherited tendencies and environmental factors.

The exact cause of antisocial personality disorder isn’t known, but:

  • Genes may make you vulnerable to developing antisocial personality disorder — and life situations may trigger its development
  • Changes in the way the brain functions may have resulted during brain development

Risk factors

Certain factors seem to increase the risk of developing antisocial personality disorder, such as:

  • Diagnosis of childhood conduct disorder
  • Family history of antisocial personality disorder or other personality disorders or mental illness
  • Being subjected to abuse or neglect during childhood
  • Unstable, violent or chaotic family life during childhood

Men are at greater risk of having antisocial personality disorder than women are.


Complications, consequences and problems of antisocial personality disorder may include, for example:

  • Spouse abuse or child abuse or neglect
  • Alcohol or substance abuse
  • Being in jail or prison
  • Homicidal or suicidal behaviors
  • Having other mental health disorders such as depression or anxiety
  • Low social and economic status, and homelessness
  • Gang participation
  • Premature death, usually as a result of violence
  • Diagnosis

    People with antisocial personality disorder are unlikely to believe they need help. However, they may seek help from their health care provider because of other symptoms such as depression, anxiety or angry outbursts or for treatment of substance abuse.

    People with antisocial personality disorder may not provide an accurate account of signs and symptoms. A key factor in diagnosis is how the affected person relates to others. With permission, family and friends may be able to provide helpful information.

    After a medical evaluation to help rule out other medical conditions, the health care provider may make a referral to a mental health professional for further evaluation.

    Diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder is typically based on:

    • A psychological evaluation that explores thoughts, feelings, relationships, behavior patterns and family history
    • Personal and medical history
    • Symptoms listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association

    Though typically antisocial personality disorder isn’t diagnosed before age 18, some signs and symptoms may occur in childhood or the early teen years. Usually there is evidence of conduct disorder symptoms before age 15.

    Identifying antisocial personality disorder early may help improve long-term outcomes.


    Treatment depends on each person’s particular situation, their willingness to participate in treatment and the severity of symptoms.


    Psychotherapy, also called talk therapy, is sometimes used to treat antisocial personality disorder. Therapy may include, for example, anger and violence management, treatment for substance abuse, and treatment for other mental health conditions.

    But psychotherapy is not always effective, especially if symptoms are severe and the person can’t admit that he or she contributes to serious problems.


    There are no medications specifically approved by the Food and Drug Administration to treat antisocial personality disorder. Doctors may prescribe medications for conditions sometimes associated with antisocial personality disorder, such as anxiety or depression, or for symptoms of aggression. Drugs are usually prescribed cautiously because some have the potential for misuse.

    Clinical trials

    Part of Mayo Clinic’s commitment to its patients involves conducting medical research that helps people live longer, healthier lives. Clinical trials are research studies that involve volunteer participants. These human studies help doctors better understand diagnose, treat, and prevent diseases or conditions.

    Mayo Clinic has thousands of active clinical trials and research studies; and coordinates national clinical trials with other medical centers. See Mayo’s clinical trials website and search for a study by condition, treatment or drug name.

    Mayo Clinic researchers continually develop new studies, so ask your health care provider about clinical studies or visit ClinicalTrials.gov to learn about additional research opportunities.

    Preparing for your appointment

    If a medical evaluation rules out physical causes for your behavior, your primary care doctor may make a referral to a psychiatrist.

    Take a family member or friend along to your appointment, if possible. With your permission, someone who has known you for a long time may be able to answer questions or share information with the doctor that you don’t think to bring up.

    What you can do

    Before your appointment, make a list of:

    • Any symptoms you or your family noticed, and for how long
    • Key personal and medical information, including current physical or mental health conditions, personal or family history of mental illness, traumatic experiences or major stressors
    • All medications you take, including the names and doses of any medications, herbs, vitamins or other supplements
    • Questions you want to ask your doctor to make the most of your appointment

    Some basic questions to ask your doctor include:

    • What is likely causing my symptoms?
    • What are other possible causes?
    • What treatments are most likely to be effective for me?
    • How much can I expect my symptoms to improve with treatment?
    • How often will I need treatment, and for how long?
    • Are there medications that can help? Is so, what are the possible side effects?
    • Is there a generic alternative to the medication you’re prescribing?
    • Are there any printed materials I can have? What websites do you recommend?

    Don’t hesitate to ask any other questions during your appointment.

    What to expect from your doctor

    Your doctor is likely to ask you a number of questions, such as:

    • What are your symptoms?
    • When did you or your family first notice these symptoms?
    • How are your symptoms affecting your life?
    • Have relatives or friends expressed concern about your behavior?
    • Do you have any close relationships?
    • If you’re not satisfied with work, school or relationships, what do you think is causing your problems?
    • Have you ever thought about harming yourself or others? Have you ever actually done so?
    • Have any of your close relatives been diagnosed or treated for mental illness?

    Be ready to answer these questions to reserve time to go over points you want to spend more time on.


    Coping and support

    Skills for family members

    People with antisocial personality disorder often act out and make other people miserable — with no feeling of remorse. If you have a loved one with antisocial personality disorder, it’s critical that you also get help for yourself.

    A mental health professional can teach you skills to learn how to set boundaries and help protect yourself from the aggression, violence and anger common to antisocial personality disorder. They can also recommend strategies for coping.

    Seek a mental health professional who has training and experience in managing antisocial personality disorder. Ask your loved one’s treatment team for a referral. They may also be able to recommend support groups for families and friends affected by antisocial personality disorder.


    There’s no sure way to prevent antisocial personality disorder from developing in those at risk. Because antisocial behavior is thought to have its roots in childhood, parents, teachers and pediatricians may be able to spot early warning signs. It may help to try to identify those most at risk, such as children who show signs of conduct disorder, and then offer early intervention.

    Early, effective and appropriate discipline, lessons in behavior modification, social and problem-solving skills, parent training, family therapy, and psychotherapy may help reduce the chance that at-risk children go on to become adults with antisocial personality disorder.



    Child abuse

    Coping and support

    Mental health: Overcoming the stigma of mental illness

    Tests and diagnosis

    Complete blood count

    A complete blood count can be used to evaluate your overall health, detect a wide range of disorders, or monitor a medical condition or treatment.

    Expert blog


Yesterday Was For The Birds!

My relationship with my parents was not always an easy one. I know I have mentioned that on a few occasions. But, like with anything, there was a lot of good as well. One thing I remember about my Mom … Continue reading

Cheering My dear Dyane all the way with love

Originally posted on Marie Abanga's Blog:
Dear?Dyane?Leshin-Harwood, sadly I don’t?know how to properly link from a phone, but I tried my best… It all started 9 years ago with your courageous decision to not bottle it up and pretend it never happen, your painful and challenging crawls and strides to get a book deal…

Tedious Beyond Belief


Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened, and you’re frightening, and you’re “not at all like yourself but will be soon,” but you know you won’t.

― Kay Redfield JamisonAn Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness


I had the day/evening all to myself sans spawn.

Needless to say…I accomplished fuck all.

To my credit, I DID manage a trip to WalMart to cash the child support check and acquire some autumn clothing for my kid. (Last year, it stayed in the 70’s until late October, this year, wham!, all the summer clothes purchased are phased out by the cold weather). I did fairly well at that hell hole, around 5-6 p.m.

Given the main drag thru town was torn up by construction thus making a six mile trip feel like twenty miles of stop, start, OMFG, I almost readended that car in front of me cos my mind wanders!!!

It wasn’t til I hit Dollar Tree to buy a new $1 broom (I br0ke my old 0ne smashing roaches to death)…then the anxiety attacked like a fricking ninja. I got *most* of what I needed but I was sweating buckets. They had to open a second register and I think I line jumped just to escape the anxiety nightmare.

Also to my credit…in spite of my lack of will to ‘just do it’ I did manage clean clothes and such today and went to the shop for lunch with R. Occasionally, we share a laugh and mine was genuine. More often, he was on a pro-Trump tirade and I just smiled politely. Cos I don’t like either, and more importantly, I don’t have much use for politicians, period.

Except for Trey Gowdy, he totally calls these idgets on their (criminal) behavior.

He should absolutely be president, republican be damned. He wants TRUTH. I am down with that.

STILL not political and have zero desire to vote. Even if it means R belittles me with name calling. I’ve started to view him as I do Trump. Some valid points, BUT ultimately…an entitled egomaniac from means who has no clue what it is to be truly broke.

Just saying.

So anyway…a bumpy road today, figuratively and literally.

I accomplished nothing, really.

I guess my give a damn is decease, thank you and fuck you depression.

Why can’t I “mindfulness” myself out of this spot??? Am I evil? Lazy and in denial? Delusional?

You guys take a poll and let me know if I am a lost cause.

I remain unconvinced that I was ever found to begin with.

I Missed A Blog Dammit

I missed a blog cause I was stoned. I said I’ll remember than I didn’t.

Tonight I am playing with hubby before I smoke some weed cause it does make me a little dippy. I admit it. I mean that’s why there was no blog yesterday right? So we’re playing World of Warcraft, doing some raiding. I haven’t done that in a long time but I am feeling better. So the month without weed proved nothing other than I should maybe be smoking some weed. I’ve been in a decent mood the last few days and Weds night was awesome. Completely laughing my ass off till I cried awesome.

Tonight I’m just gonna chill and Netflix, HA! I’m gonna try and watch one of those shows hubby likes so much, so that I can join him for the second season. We’ll see if it’s something I will enjoy.