Daily Archives: September 29, 2016

Dear Random Girl in the Coffee Shop, I Don’t Like You

I’m sitting in my usual coffee shop, working on work, but the conversation taking place next to me is so intriguing that I can’t focus.  I completely stopped typing and sat here silently listening to them for a minute, but now I feel like I should type something.  Therefore, goodbye work and HELLO BLOG.

The couple didn’t even notice when I stopped typing.  I’m maybe three feet from these people, but I’m alone and with a laptop.  I’m invisible.

The girl has long dark hair that she plays with every time she laughs nervously.  She’s overdressed for a coffee shop and wearing a lot of makeup.  The guy is wearing a gray hoodie with a white t-shirt hanging out from underneath it.  I think she hopes this is a date, but I don’t think he does.

They had the “I can’t believe I haven’t seen you since graduation” conversation, so I know they’re old friends who haven’t seen each other in around a decade.

She was supposed to get married this summer – July 16 – but she broke it off.  This is when I started listening.  Why did you break off your wedding, make-up girl?  Why are you already trying to meet up with old flames?

WELL.  She didn’t break off the wedding at first.  They first postponed it to next summer, but then she called it off altogether.  Do you want to know why?  Hmmmmm?

Because he had bipolar disorder.

I kid you not, bloggosphere.  This is really what she said.  That’s the part where I went from casually eavesdropping to abandoning typing altogether.  Apparently he had an episode that landed him in psychiatric inpatient, and he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  She was going to go visit him, but then she didn’t.  This made me conclude that she is a bitch.

That’s probably unfair, since I know next to nothing about this girl, but I know that her fiance was in the hospital and she decided she didn’t want to go see him.  Then she subsequently dumped him.  So actually, I retract my former statement.  I do know enough about her to call her a bitch.

I know that handling a spouse with a mental illness is a challenge.  I know.  But to bolt as soon as he was diagnosed?  I mean, to not even give him a chance to figure out meds and stuff?  That hurts me on behalf of him.  She said she had to “look out for herself.”  Fine.  That’s fine.  I suppose that she hadn’t made her vows yet…she still had freedom to leave.  It just hurts.  Why is the word “bipolar” scary enough to make you leave, girl in the coffee shop?  His brain works differently than yours, but there are some awesome aspects to that too.  He can probably love you more deeply than an average human can.  He probably has other parts of his brain that work great – is he amazingly creative?  Is his memory exceptional?  He has strengths too, girl in the coffee shop.  If you couldn’t see that, then maybe you didn’t deserve him.

She’s currently lamenting the fact that he got to keep the dog.  I’m glad he did, girl in the coffee shop.  Maybe your dog will stick by him even though you wouldn’t.

Her “date” keeps saying things such as “what time do you need to get home?” or “I should probably go smoke soon…”  He’s clearly not into this coffee date, but she’s acting super into him.  I’m vindictively happy about this.  She’s a jerk, dude in the coffee shop.  Don’t give her a chance.  Also, she’s fat.  (I didn’t think that until I heard her story, but now I definitely think she’s fat.  She’s at least fat on the inside, but also kind of on the outside because mean people are ugly).

I have to go home now and leave this annoying girl to her coffee and her uninterested man.  I hope she one day finds the kind of love that won’t be shaken by a tiny word like “bipolar.” True love doesn’t run away, but her coffee guy is totally going to.

Dear Younger Julie

I know you’re in pain.  I know you feel like nobody likes you right now.  I know you have hopes and aspirations that seem unreasonable.  I know you feel like a nothing and a nobody and that people are telling you that you will never amount to anything because you’re a girl, you’re a Liddell, you’re a Vowell, you’re white trash, you’re not smart enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re just not enough of anything and you’ll never get anywhere in life.   

But you’re going to prove them all wrong.  You’re going to find the man you’re going to marry right off the bat in college and while it’s not going to be easy, you’re going to discover the love of your life.  His name is Bob Whitehead and he’s waiting to meet you.  He’s going to love you more than you can ever understand, more than anyone else could ever love you.  Don’t worry about finding love—it will find you.

You will develop some friends that will last you a lifetime.  Lorie McClure is going to be your friend forever, just like she is now.  You’re going to meet others. Stefanie, Mike, Rob, Mary Jane, KT, Marlo, Jo, Holly, Candy. They all will be your friends to the ends of the earth.  They will support and be good to you in ways you can’t even imagine.  

You know how you want to write for the news?  You will one day.  You’re going to do journalism for ten years and love every second of it.  You will be published.  People back home are going to read your articles and be proud to say they know you.  And you’ll do more than that.  You’re going to write plays, short stories, and articles that people want to read and be a part of.  You’re going to win awards.  You’re going to touch people’s lives with your writing in ways you can’t even imagine now.  Your words are going to help people who are having a very rough time of it all over the world. 

You know how you’re scared to have kids?  You’re going to be a wonderful mom. You’re going to raise three girls who love God and who know how to take care of themselves.  Where you can’t help them, you’ll find someone that will.  You’ll be their head cheerleader, their advocate, their encourager.  They’re going to be as proud of you as you are of them—because you’re going to teach them resilience and courage in the face of problems. 

You’re going to do all this in spite of your vision problems, your depression, your low self-esteem.   You’re going to overcome all that and make a life that people will envy. You’re going to prove that you can do anything through Christ Jesus who strengthens you.  You’re going to develop a work ethic that will serve you well.  You’re going to develop the ability to bounce back from rejection.  You’re going to influence lives through teaching, writing, mentoring, and loving other people.  You’re going to be able to talk about miracles of healing in your own life. 

The only thing you will learn that you really need is God.  One day you’re going to learn that he loves you so much. It will take a lot for him to get your attention, but be thankful that he does.  He’s going to open doors for you that you can’t see in such a miraculous way that you will know that he’s there with you.  He’s going to protect you and shelter you from yourself.  You don’t d’s to be afraid of him.  He loves you and will always be with you as he’s promised in John 16.  Rest in that, not in the peace that the world gives, but in the peace he promises.       

Don’t give up on life.  God’s going to do all this and more.  Hang in there, honey.  Hope is on the way.


Submitting My Manuscript to My Publisher! Resources & Boo Boo’s

Greetings, my friends! Yes, I’m thrilled to announce I’m finally delivering my baby to my publisher, but it’s not a human baby. For starters, I take lithium & a MAOI, so I’m done with all that. From now on if we want to add to this family, we’re going to the Santa Cruz SPCA! I’m delivering … Continue reading Submitting My Manuscript to My Publisher! Resources & Boo Boo’s

Freezer Burn

So par for course in the despicable midwest, the weather has taken an abrupt shift in the last six days. Last week, one day was 95 degrees and I was sweating my ass off in shorts and a tank top in a car without air conditioning. The last two nights, it got so cold, I had three blankets on the bed. This morning, it is very cold, and no sunshine, all gray, and I swear, even my pancreas has a shiver.

So begins seasonal affective disorder. I envy climates where the season shift is gradual. Here, in midwest Hell, it comes on like a bipolar mood swing. (Yeah, yeah, don’t compare the weather to bipolar, it’s offensive, whatevs, I AM bipolar so I am allowed.) It’s kind of a sucker punch. To make it worse, for all we know, next week we could get hit with a 90 degree day. FECK.

So, Morgue, why don’t you just turn on the heat????

Well, thanks to a payment deferment from last winter plus current charges, my monthly bill has been running two hundred bucks. IF I turn on the heat before it is absolutely crucial to avoiding indoor frost bite…I won’t be able to pay the bill thus they will turn off the heat and that would really be sucky. (Forgive any typos, my “e” key is not working properly). Plus, it seems my eligibility for the low income assistance on power and heating will be denied because my kid turned 7. Cos ya know, children over age 6 don’t have to be warm and all. Idgets.

She’s bitching about money again, what a broken record, get a job already.

Hey, HIRE ME to do something from home and I will be okay. Provided missed deadlines due to depression, inability to focus due to ADD and anxiety are acceptable.

Money, however, is a realistic issue and consideration. Besides, turning on the heat does not change the gloom outside or the cold wind. It does not “fix” whatever inner circuitry tells my brain that the cold is oppressive and thus renders me depressed and non functional.

All my shrinks tells me is to buy one of those mood enhancing lights due to shortage of sunlight. YES. I love paying to get headaches from bright light! All better now.

What I want to know is…

How do the changes in season/weather affect YOU guys? Is it a bipolar/depression related thing? Is seasonal a separate issue? Why don’t we know more about how this ties into our disorders? Oh, right. Mental health is unimportant unless they are pharma making a gazillion bucks from drugs or they are trying to lock us up cos some jackass on wikipedia claims all bipolar patients are violent thus a threat to public safety.


Nope. Not cracked yet. Just an inside joke from a t-shirt a kid was wearing at Spook’s school.

I am soooo ordering my Mermaid blanket next week. I am wearing socks and my feet are still cold. Maybe I can be a pegacornmaid.

The great news is…since discontinuing the lithium…I think I am getting back some emotion, some creativity, and maybe even a little will to live another day to battle this mental crap.

Sad statement when the *treatment* makes you more depressed in the process of managing highs and lows. Thank pegacorn for Lamictal and its minimal side effects for me. Now come next spring/summer I may start going manic on Lamictal alone and need the lithium again.

It’s a process. A grueling one.

Now for the nerds among us, and this one came from a t-shirt Spanglish Jill saw…

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.


Crazies With Guns – Throwback Thursday

This weeks throwback is from April 2, 2013 “We have no national database of these lunatics… We have a completely cracked mentally ill system that has these monsters walking the streets.” — Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President NRA Don’t want what monsters, Mr LaPierre? What do you consider a lunatic? What mental illness would require an individual to be tracked…

The post Crazies With Guns – Throwback Thursday appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

A Superfood With Super Powers

I have been given this product as part of a product review through the Chronic Illness Bloggers Network. Although the product was a gift, all opinions in this review remain my own and I was in no way influenced by … Continue reading

Good Sermon Tonight

Went to church tonight and had a good sermon about where is God in the detours of your life.  I felt like it applied to me since I’ve wondered if my whole life didn’t go on detour when I was diagnosed bipolar.  I wrote in an essay this week that I could divide my life into two periods, before my third child and after my third child.  So it was a good sermon for me to listen to and try to take to heart.

I’m still getting rejections back but ti’s all on older pieces I’ve sent out-I’m not hearing anything yet about my new pieces I’ve written the past couple of months.  So I am hoping for good news on that front in October and November.  We will see what happens.


Monkey – Mouser for Hire

As mentioned in a previous post, we have decided it is time to sell the condo we now have and find a new home that better meets our needs and is closer to our family. There are so many things I … Continue reading

Surprise!  It’s Birthday Season (mine)!

It’s that time of year again…the solar calendar has rolled around to September 28, which is my birthday on the civil (solar) calendar.

But my Hebrew birthday falls out on the evening of October 19, and lasts until sundown on October 20.

That’s why I call it Birthday Season!  Almost a month of continuous birthday!!  Presents welcome, if they’re good ones…😄

So far, my mother has called to remind me that I have somehow failed in…everything, and my son sent me a text asking for a loan.  Sigh.

I used to love Birthday Season.  My Hebrew birthday falls in the middle of the joyous holiday of Sukkot, where we live outside in temporary dwellings, to remind ourselves of the tenuous nature of life.  Sukkot is a huge roving party.  The dwellings are called, well, sukkot, which is the plural of sukkah, which is one of them.  One dwelling, I mean.  A sukkah can be so small as to admit only the head and upper half of the body of a man, or it can be huge.  But it can only go up the night after Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.  And it has to come down, or at least be ritually invalidated by removing one of the parts that make it a legal sukkah, after the eight day holiday is over.  It is, by definition, a temporary dwelling, just as our bodies are temporary dwelling places for our souls.

In Israel, pretty much everyone has a sukkah, even Christians, who call it the Feast of Tabernacles.  In fact, Christians the whole world over flock to Israel to take part in the Gathering of the Nations.  A huge sukkah colony inhabited by Christians goes up in one part of Jerusalem.  There’s a miles-long parade that goes right by my former house.  How wonderful to see people from every single corner of the globe coming out to celebrate and support the one and only Jewish State!

The Hebrew calendar is mostly lunar, but there is a caveat that Passover must fall in the Spring; so when it gets to the point where Passover is getting so early in the year that it’s in danger of being in the winter, we have a leap year.  Rather than add one day every four years like the civil calendar, we add a whole month every three to four years.  

All this is to say that Hebrew dates usually don’t match up with civil ones.  Therefore, Birthday Season could last as long as a whole month, or only a few days.

At home in Israel, my birthday parties were epic!  At first, I had my own sukkah, large enough to hold at least twelve people going and coming, plus food, drinks, and musical instruments (and my street cats).  I ended up lending my sukkah to friends who didn’t have one, so then my sukkah party was on the rooftop of their building, with a beautiful view of the Judean Hills, even the Dead Sea when the dust from Egypt wasn’t blowing.

Something very special about Hebrew birthdays: we are given a tiny bit of the gift of prophesy on that day.  We use this gift to give blessings to other people, even people we don’t know.  In fact, if someone knows it’s your birthday, they will come to you and request a blessing.

These are not the garden variety blessings that we give each other many times each day (we bless each other many times a day, in the Holy Land.  Complete strangers will come up to you and give you long, complex, and specific blessings, asking your special name, your parents’ names, your children, what you need, they bless you with that and more.)  Birthday blessings are different.  They come from a different place.  You meditate, the two of you enter trance state together, and you wait for the blessing to come.  When it does, you look into the soul of the blessee, and the blessing comes out of your soul through your mouth, the blessee listens intently, taking it in.  Often, the blessing is so deep, so powerful, that the blessee bursts into tears and, if the same gender as the blesser, a long, fervent hug.  We don’t have any physical contact whatsoever with members of the opposite gender who are not related.  But we still bless!

We who observe Birthday Season have adopted the custom of blessing others during the whole of Birthday Season.  Why not?  Maybe the full power of prophesy doesn’t kick in until the Hebrew birthday, but still, the solar calendar counts in its own way.

So to kick off Birthday Season, here’s my Solar Birthday Blessing for you:

May the Blessed Holy One grant you a year of peace, harmony, happiness, enough money for your needs, satisfying endeavors, good relationships, complete healing of body and spirit.  May you be enabled to understand the value of the ephemeral nature of life, and of all living things, and of this planet, the solar system, and the mystery of the ever-expanding universe.

Amen, selah, netzakh, va’ed.  (So may it be, forever and ever, from On High.)


Today I am moody but I’m getting me some weed so I’ll be happier in a few hours. I think I’ll feel a lot better, a lot more relaxed and able to get into some music or TV. Right now I’m not in the mood to do anything, not even write my blog. So ya I think I’m done for the day.