Daily Archives: September 27, 2016
Ready. Set. Sail! So…um…I need help. I’ve been hiding this from my blog for a while. I guess you could say I was shielding it from the deep dirty scum that could taint it. But that’s not the point of this blog is it? It’s not supposed to be a squeaky clean Las Vegas restroom … More Please I Need Marriage Advice
So my therapist says I am dealing with a damaged inner child when I have the obsessions. I think like a lovestruck teenager when they hit, and I need to learn to think like an adult when they do strike. SO that makes sense. I certainly FEEL like I’m back in junior high when they hit. So she said we need to work on growing that inner child up into an adult so I won’t be vulnerable to such thinking.
What I’m afraid of is that being scared of interacting with men for fear I’ll get obsessed will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’ll be on my mind, making me more likely to get hung up in it. SO that is a worry.
Anyway. FOr now they are gone so I will rejoice and be glad in that.
My eyes drip w sadness
My body weak from the weight
Then no thoughts
There is no explanation
I do not know the cause
Tears invade my space
I sit unable to express
The sudden pain
I can fight no more
I am tired
I try and try
Fulfill my role as wife, friend, worker
I hold my head high
For as long as I can
Smile for the camera
Dance for you
Now I weep
On the floor
And i want to say sorry
I am not more
I am not better
I am this way
But the Words fall silent
The guilt remains tethered on the inside
I feel your disappointment
It scars me
The Seizures Just over ten years ago I started having seizures. They started off minor, but grew more intense and one day I had a series of them one after another. I panicked so much that I didn’t show up for work. No calls to my employees and no calls to my district manager. I just stopped going…
A tough day to get going. I slept okay, but woke up with back and tummy pain. Probably the diet. Today I am supposed to go to the dentist, yoga, and out for dinner for a friend’s birthday. I wonder if I will make it all.
I was proud of myself yesterday. I went to my bipolar group and really helped out. We had a sub as a leader and he was super nervous. I told him I would keep the conversation going and he wouldn’t have to worry. So I announced I wanted to talk about “guilt” for things we had done while manic. This topic really took off and covered most all of the meeting.
I also had a victory with a friend who just got out of the psych hospital. She used to attend our group about six months ago. I have stayed in touch with her and tried to be supportive. Well, she showed up yesterday at the meeting and really contributed. I was very proud of this.
I saw my CBT therapist also and we discussed me being so tired and having a hard time keeping up. She reminded me I am on a lot of drowsy inducing psych meds and also that I am only eating about 800 calories. She thinks being tired is pretty normal.
I was nice to Danny yesterday and did two loads of laundry for him. He is sick with a bad cold, so I thought I would help out. He tends to not do laundry till he has worn all of his clothes.
Good news! My CBT therapist said she could tell I was losing weight. She said she could see it in my face, tummy, and rear end. Those are all pretty good places to lose weight.
Okay, will be back tomorrow and let you know how I did getting around to things today.
Did make it to the dentist yesterday. Everything was fine there. Still wasn’t feeling too good.
Cheated on my diet with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I just had to have something to chew.
Did a couple more loads of laundry for Danny. He is now caught up.
Did not make it to yoga. Took a nap and saved my energy for going out to dinner last night for our friend’s birthday. I made good choices at the restaurant: a small Caesar salad and a side dish of vegetables.
Got up pretty well today. Have been talking about taking an additional Wellbutrin at one pm or so. Might keep me up a little later and let me sleep through 4 am. Not sleeping till six or so is tough for me.
Today I have: laundry (for me), an eye appointment, going to get more diet shakes, possibly yoga, a bit of sewing, reading, and a shower. Not a big day, but a lot to plow through.
Well, went to walk to exercise this morning and it was a beautiful cool day. Bad news is my foot/leg started hurting about 3/4 of the way through the walk. Hopefully, it’s nothing to stop me from walking.
Got my laundry done yesterday and got my diet shakes. Got weighed in and lost 3 1/2 pounds. Have lost a total of about 23 pounds. I have a goal to lose 8 pounds for the next few months. I want to lose two more this month….so this week….since we only have one more week.
Saw the eye doctor and have healthy eyes but they needed some stronger glasses. So I ordered two new pair: one for the computer and some bifocals for every day. I also ordered some bifocal sunglasses on line. I should be in good shape.
Am going out with a friend for breakfast. Looking forward to some real food. Other than that need to iron more quilt squares (I’ll be ready to lay it out tomorrow!) and read my book.
Haven’t had much depression in the last few months. Some anxiety and irritability, but no depression. It’s such a relief!
Splurged yesterday at breakfast and had banana nut pancakes. God, were they ever good!
Feeling really good this morning. Got up at 6:30 and was out the door by 7 to hit some garage sales. Found some cute stuff and a new painting for the living room.
Am going to do some light shopping with my daughter, get that quilt laid out (at least partially), get a shower, and have dinner out. All this eating out is hard on the diet. It’s also hard tonight because these people are from out-of-town. The guy is a childhood friend of my husband’s and he has his new girlfriend along. I haven’t met her yet, but I hear she is a manic handful. That’s all I need. Maybe I can offer her some Rexulti.
Dinner with the new girlfriend proved to be okay. We went to one of my favorite restaurants and I had a few bites of their yummy carrot cake for dessert. Definitely NOT on the diet. I’m hitting it hard today through Wednesday.
Anyway, I am feeling good but am up at six here writing and have been up since four. I hate this early waking. I even took a Klonopin at 4 thinking it might help me go back to sleep but it didn’t work. I’m a little bummed because I hate going to church sleepy or worst case, missing church and sleeping in. Plus, it’s football today and we’re going to do a little shopping.
The early waking has sort of been a theme and I plan to ask the doc about it. But he is so busy I don’t see him till Oct 22nd! The good news is I feel pretty good, so it’s not like a crisis.
A little update: Went to church and did fine. Actually drove on the way to church. Plan on the football game and then just some rest.
Well, our team lost by a mile yesterday, so I have football depression. LOL.
Today I feel like I am getting a little sick. Danny has had a bad cold for a week, so I know where I got it. The GOOD news is I feel fine emotionally. The other good news is that I don’t “have” to go anywhere today, so even if I feel sicker I can just stay home.
I laid out the new quilt yesterday, but one of the cats rolled around on it and messed up the squares. Ack!
(It looks like utter chaos now!)
So today will consist of messing around with some apps, a little sewing, a shower, and watching the presidential debate. Not a bad day.
Got up at 5:30 with a dog that needed a potty break. Flipped on the TV and worked on apps.
I feel pretty good. My mood has been fairly stable for this last week or so. I credit the meds and the CBT for this.
Today is simple: get a massage, get a flu shot, mess with the quilt, and go to bipolar support. I invited my friend from there to go bowling with us. I hope she will.
I am angry with myself over my poor showing on my diet this week. I weigh in on Thursday and I’ll bet I have gained a pound or two. I have two days to slow this down, but I don’t know. I want so badly to hit my goal by the end of the year. But it seems that I want to eat more. Really sad. I also am not exercising like I could. I don’t even exercise for weight loss…I do it for stress and depression. No…my weight gain is all about what I put in my mouth.
So on that cheery note, I will leave you all for the week. Overall, I am doing really well. I hope you are too.
So I’ve been binge watching (again) the show Perception. Eric McCormack portrays a brilliant professor of nueroscience who is also a paranoid schizophrenic who goes off and on his meds due to side effects and ya know, that whole “sucks out the creativity, soul, and personality” thing. Anyway, during a lecture he referred to our brains as “three pounds of cauliflower” and pointed out…we’re stuck with the brain we are given, flaws and all. I like this show because it focuses on chemical imbalances as opposed to mere diagnoses and personality disorders. And fact is, many, many of us do go off our meds due to the side effects which “the professionals” claim no longer exist with newer meds or never existed with older meds.
I opened with this because once again…I am fed up with the cognitive problems associated with my psych meds. I actually had to look up how to spell cauliflower because I went blank. It’s happening more and more often. I am throwing away things I actually need. I am forgetting simple things, like how to spell simple words I damn well know how t0 spell. So I am taking a break from the lithium. Fear not, I have the Lamictal to keep the highs and lows in check. If the side effects don’t wear off, then I know it’s narrowed down to Lamictal or Pristiq. I would totally talk to my shrink about med changes except they called yesterday to reschedule my appointment due to the doctor being out. I can’t even talk to a live person for refills, I have to leave a voice mail. FFS. Fine, I will be my own doctor. I’ve been doing this for so damned long. At least I’m still medicated. Just not as medicated.
My biggest problem these days isn’t depression. I’ve gotten used to life without joy. In fact, if you read the latest Oatmeal comic, you will get the “happily unhappy” thing. My issue of late is crippling anxiety that has me snapping at people. I jump at the slightest sound. The new neighbors are always bickering, the dog is always barking. Any given day my kid has 4 or 5 kids in the yard. R is always bugging me with “order this part and get it for a penny with free shipping” then when I can’t do it, he taunts me with “I thought you were the great bargain hunter.” Now while that tactic would work with a competitive personality, for me, it just makes me want to shut him out. Add to it, Spook and I were visiting Mrs. R the other night and he started talking about my house having bugs and what a shit housekeeper I am. I AM TRYING HERE. I need a fucking break, from all the kids, the noise, the anxiety.
To my credit, I have not tweaked my Xanax dose in spite of having a six month back supply. If anything, I am too circumspect in taking it due to so many ignorant people thinking all Xanax users are abusers. One thing I am sure of. My first shrink might have been shitty but he had me on 1mg three times a day and I slept okay and managed to get through the days without flying off the handle because anxiety kicked me in the shins.
My kid had a dentist appt the other day. Of course, not one dentist in town would accept either the donor’s dental insurance or the medical card so I had to get her in with my old dentist in a town 20 miles away. I don’t do well with road trips. In fact, being more than fifteen minutes from home freaks me out. I got on the interstate and went blank on which exit to take because it didn’t list the small town, just the big ones. So I went back into town and took the old country highway which was basically a straight shot. I begged Spook not to tell anyone I was basically lost on a road I used to drive daily for three years as a teenager. FFS. Just…blank. Not there anymore. Like a computer file bleachbitten. Humiliating. I tried to take the new interstate to my uncle’s a few years back and got lost on it, too, ended up turning around and going the old school long way around through the country. My cauliflower has been stir fried.
R wants me at the shop today even though he has nothing for me to do, he just wants company. I don’t see it happening as I spent yesterday running errands for him because both his scooter and his car are down. I don’t mind helping out when you’re afoot, but it does take a lot out of me. The dish sucks the life out of me. I need a break. Plus I spent yesterday scrubbing the fridge and cabinets and spraying for bugs and damn it…I just want to zone out. Give the cauliflower stir fry a break.
Shockingly, I DID have a moment (ninety minutes) of true joy last week when I watched the season premiere of Z Nation. It’s like seeing people you love for the first time in months. And of course, the zombie killing and Z Whacking. I got goosebumps of the excitement kind. I liked that. I wish I could feel that way all the time.
On an irritating side note…Mrs. R lectured me the other night about how I need to get out of this trailer and get my child a fit home with no bugs. Trying to explain the problem of “first month rent and deposit” to someone making six figures a year is pointless. I also pointed out that at least here, I get to have my cats. She guilted me about my priorities being wrong and I need to put my kid first and do without my cats.
Remind me again why I put up with these people?
I am content here. Why can’t people just accept that? I don’t like the bugs or noisy neighbors but face it…I’d have neighbors anywhere I moved and if even one bug went with our stuff, I’d have the same problem. Plus I’d be trying to stay afloat even more than I am now. But noooo, these fuckwads don’t get it. At all.
Being around people depresses me more than it helps me. I don’t give a damn what the professionals say about it being healthy. It truly isn’t for me. Not when my mental health is on a decline. I can feel the seasonal depression coming on. The other day it was 95. This morning it was in the fifties. That shit fucks with my internal clock. What’s it called…See, another fucking blank when I know I did a post on the subject…
As you can tell…I am highly agitated. So I am going to go back to watching Perception and nurse my pretzel gut (it’s trash day so the truck is trouncing through with it’s beep beep beep and setting off my anxiety) and maybe take a Xanax. Though I don’t like taking it in the morning as on occasion,it will make me sleepy and I feel like a sloth any time I take a nap. (I blame my former mother in law, she used to guilt me because ex hubby worked 60 hour weeks since my useless ass couldn’t hold a job and she was constantly comparing how much sleep I got compared to him when she knew fuck all about my insomnia.)
I miss that insomnia now. I need the extra time for me. To calm my brain. Ya know, after all the kids and mommy-ing and ringing phone and texts. But alas, come ten o clock I am just wiped out and…
Shut up, Morgue.
My three pounds of cauliflower hurts.
Today I woke up and I was feeling OK. Not great, not even good really, just OK.
Right now I have a headache from hell though so I’m not going to write very much.
Maybe the mood means I’m coming back around, not going to hold my breath though. Last time I thought that it didn’t happen. Maybe it’s never going to happen again.. I don’t know I’m feeling kind of negative about the whole positive thing. Weird I know.
Damn my head hurts.