Yesterday’s hours long dish adventure, followed by a day and evening filled with kids and adults invading my space, has rendered me on the critical list today. My stomach is a mess because that is how my idiot body handles stress. I’ve done nothing more than pack a lunch and take my kid to school. (Lemmy kept going behind the car no matter how many times we moved him so I put his ass in the car and he went for a car ride. I had no idea taking the cat for a car ride would fill my kid with such joy.)
I should feel guilty for doing nothing. I do not. The long dish outings and of course, safe space invasions (ya know, when people just show up without an invite and you are at the mercy of social etiquette and being polite even if they are not)…NO MORE PEOPLE. Gah, I need a break.
Unfortunately, tonight is school open house so I will once again be subjected to those claustrophobia inducing hallways and packs of dish dwellers.
On the plus side…I think I offended R so much last night, maybe he’ll fuck off for awhile. He said I was being obnoxious. I was hormonal, had warned multiple times, did not want company but he invited himself…And yeah, okay, that little devil girl telling me I should kill myself really did upset me. Because I AM HORMONAL. But of course, rather than respect my need to be alone when my faculties are haywire, he does what he wants, I snark on the wrong thing, and he stomps off, leaving me to feel guilty and like a jerk.
Has civility flat lined? Does no one get that it’s rude to show up uninvited? Or to ignore when someone says, “Raincheck, please, I’m bad company today.”
Last time I said that to him he shot back with, “Oh, so basically, you want to use me then tell me to piss off…”
He’s a fucking child.
The other invasion was the devil girls’ mom came and sat in the yard with us. Not once in 4 years has she done that, so it was an anomaly. I don’t like being caught off guard and I am not social but I am willing to take a bullet for my kid. For some reason, it’s important to her that I be buddy buddy with her friends’ parents. Well, that’s not gonna happen but I will make idle chitchat and try to seem….ugh, ‘normal’.
I think it was just too much, too fast for me. So many hours outside the safe zone. Then invasion of the safe zone. And of course, sticking my foot in my mouth and offending R (I don’t even remember what I did that was so wrong other than joking a few times about “go get me a burger” and that’s only cos he and Kenny are always telling me to make them a sammich. Reciprocal humor is apparently obnoxious.
Thing is, though, I know I am hormonal and I WARNED multiple times. I know amped up on hormones, I can go from rage to tears in two seconds flat and it can cause problems. So I prefer to be alone and avoid those situations.
Hard to do when your wishes aren’t respected.
So fuck him, I am too damned exhausted to give him more thought.
Maybe tomorrow I will spring back, recovered from it all. IDK.
Just hate the mental space I am in and oh, yeah, what caused me to be here?
It makes me question whether it is ever possible to have relationships with non mentally ill people. Because McMuggles don’t fucking get it, don’t fucking care, and frankly, I am starting to think they are a waste of my fucking time.
If I want to be told what a bad person I am and that I should kill myself, well, I have scumbag depressive brain for that shit.