Daily Archives: August 18, 2016
Please support me and team STIGMA SMASHERS as we walk 5K for NAMIWalks Orange County 2016. NAMI Orange County has been instrumental in my mental health recovery. NAMI Peer-to-Peer introduced me to the concept of mental health recovery and gave me HOPE.…
My appetite is back, though I don’t want it to be. I liked being disgusted by food. Now some things are starting to taste good to me.
That’s the slide backward right? My as will not thank me I can tell you that.
And one thing to NEVER, EVER quit: Being Independent! Don’t depend on the good wishes of anyone, on the affection of anyone. Be everything to yourself! Give yourself the love you never got, give yourself the approval you never got, everyone else is battling their own issues, give unto yourself. And having given to yourself, then try and give to others as well. Be a beacon of love and warmth, at least try!
Trying to Please Everyone: Yeah that always works! Everyone is always so pleased by everything I do, they call me “The Princess!” NOT! It never works. Don’t try to please everyone, in fact don’t try to please anyone, just do what you think is right and proper and necessary. Don’t worry about anyone else! And never explain yourself to anyone.
Fearing Change: Change is the only constant! Ha! It really is! Nothing ever stays the same, you never step into the same river twice, blah, blah, blah. No, seriously, we are all changing every moment, the day turns into night, summer turns into fall, and ebony hair turns grey. Thermodynamics, entropy, aging, change, read about it!
Living in the Past: If it’s been said once, it’s been said a million times, you can’t change the past! No matter how many times you go over it in your head, you cannot change the past. So don’t think about it, don’t live in it, they don’t have very nice accommodations!
Putting Yourself Down: Yeah, this is the real one. Put yourself down, and immediately, there will be people who call themselves your friends, who will absolutely agree with you! They’ll go a few steps further and perhaps pull out all the stops and trash you! In fact people will put you down out of the clear blue sky, you don’t even have to utter one single word against yourself. Why put yourself down? Everyone else is already ready to do it for you, yes they unfortunately are… so build yourself up, so when people put you down, there is still a structure called “YOU” left standing!
Overthinking: Just three words: Don’t do it!
When I went to my college orientation, the lunch period included a campus resource fair at which we could pick up brochures and speak to representatives of various campus services. One person I spoke with was from Disability Services and she told me that to initiate the process I needed to submit a letter from […]
Just a gentle reminder that the “Caption This” contest ends at midnight tonight. Here’s the pic and the rules. Once again, here are the rules: Put in the comments section what you think this weeks caption should be. If you post more than one caption, it is considered cheating, and that is okay with me. This is dog eat dog.…
Well, it happened. I reached the end of my rope with Dr. Flaky. I just realized as I was walking to the store last night that I was full of chaos, and it was HER chaos, and I DON’T NEED THAT!!! She has assigned me tasks over & over & over and then not provided me with the information I need to complete said tasks. I have emailed her over & over & over asking her for more information and received no response. The same goes for texting. No response. This is a crazy-making situation. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when she gave one of her patients my phone number yesterday and said “call my assistant” for statements on his account – and I had to send him an email, looking like a total idiot, reflecting the chaos that is Dr. Flaky’s practice – and telling him what information I had, and asking if it was correct and complete (knowing it was not). This just is no way to run a business!!!!! And I can’t be a part of this. If she would allow me to run the business, I would have it in tip-top shape. But for some reason she is holding on to the information and not using the new system I helped her build. Garbage in —> Garbage out. So, I sent her a very respectful letter of resignation. She replied that she was very sad to receive it and wished that I had communicated my frustration. I communicated like crazy with her, she just ignored me. Hence the frustration. She asked me to reconsider, and I sent her a second letter with my list of conditions, which I’m sure makes me come across as a control freak. But I don’t care. If she wants help running her business, she can take me up on my offer. Otherwise, she can say b’bye and pay me what she owes me, which isn’t much. She wasn’t even giving me five hours of work per week, so it’s no great loss financially. It just came down to too much frustration for too little payoff. I have to hope that more opportunities like Dr. HasHerShitTogether (my new client) will come my way. Or, that I finally get Disability. God knows I can’t work too much without my body erupting in fits of fibromyalgia pain. Fuck, I don’t know what the answer is for me. Only time will tell. I think I’ll go look for work. Have a good day, friends.
Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Work, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Hope, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader
2.5 hours. That’s how long it took before I cracked last night and took a melatonin. I was so determined to get to sleep on my own that I turned the lights out at 9:30. Midnight and still…Nothing but swirling thoughts and anxieties. Pacing. Drink of water. Have a smoke. Count backwards from a thousand. Move to the other end of the bed. Take a Xanax. NO sleepers.
I am weak. But all the anxiety that comes with the start of school had me too wound and in stomach churning agony to sleep naturally.
Today the mood is better. SCHOOL STARTS MONDAY, PRAISE THE SACRED PEGACORN.
The anxiety is a runaway train for tonight is when we take her supplies and meet the teacher.
Crowds. Tiny school hallways. Gastric agony has commenced, (Oh, and shark week, which is why I didn’t post yesterday, didn’t want my hormonal discontent to taint reality.)
In my epic “marshmallow heart” stupidity…I heard the devil girls couldn’t go tonight because their mom is working and their dad is sick and they asked if they could come with us…and I said yes.
I am an idget.
But I already warned that I don’t stay long. We can do ten minutes per classroom so they can get settled, meet the teacher, find their desk and locker. Surely I can manage that.
I mean, thus far today, I managed to do a quick cover up on my gray roots (now how to remove the dye from my arms where my long hair decided to rest), I showered, I painted my nails (to hide all the black dye), I got her school supplies sorted, she is in the shower…I can feel it coming together, mood wise, for I know there’s going to be a lessening of anxiety.
Which makes me wonder…how much of my “depression” is really just too much anxiety and I melt down? I don’t dispute the validity of my depressions, I mean, no amount of anxiety is going to cause you to go a week without showering or leaving your bed, that is vintage depression.
I am just curious how big a role overwhelming anxiety plays in making me feel “my life fucking sucks” when in fact, things aren’t that bad outside my mind’s ability to handle anxiety without turning it into a physical ordeal. I mean, if your stomach were in a knot and constantly sending you to the bathroom doubled over, you’d find that depressing. Even if it’s caused by anxiety.
I got so stressed the other day cos Spook and the devil girls were being so obnoxious and then something spilled and my first thought was I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE.
But then I realized…It’s been a bumpy year, for sure, with the car troubles, and yeah, the child support has hindered as opposed to helped…
Yet it’s been a year in which I’ve found kind people exist, people who show extreme generosity and caring, without asking for anything in return. People with a heart of gold are few and far between but…I’ve seen that they exist, felt them touch my life, and that’s worth so very much.
Not to mention, the new TV season will be starting up soon (Z NATION, BITCHES!) and then Halloween. It will get cold and while I hate the cold, it means no kids running loose 24-7. CALM will be restored.
So before I declared the Pristiq a success or failure, before I declare depression the victor…I am gonna give it a little time, see if once all this start of school upheaval and anxiety die down…Maybe I will find peace again.
For now…One thing at a time.
Any more than that and I melt down.
I bumped into one of the nurses who saw me through ect the other day. She told me not to let depression get me down. If that isn’t already a medication advert catchphrase in the USA, it really ought to be. It should also be permitted for me to smack anyone who says it to … Continue reading Don’t what? Shut up.
Last month I posted a copy of a sermon I did at my church when our minister wasn’t available. Back in July 2003 I also did a sermon. Here is the transcript of that sermon which I hope you’ll find interesting. Keep in mind that these were my notes so forgive me for grammar and punctuation errors. I’m Not Crazy,…
The post I’m Not Crazy, I’m Just a Little Unwell – Throwback appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.
And I wrote another flash fiction tidbit yesterday that I worked and pared down to 499 words so it would be truly short and still tell the whole story. It’s amazing what you can accomplish in so few words when you really understand the story you are telling. Don’t know if I will write more today–I’d like to go the whole week having written something every day since I finally broke through. I don’t want to lose momentum.
I am trying to stay awake–I don’t have a lot to do today but still need to do it. But I am so tired. None of my usual tricks are helping me. I need to get out and run some errands but I don’t want to leave the house. I just want to stay here and stay busy. I’ve got some things going next week to get me out of the house, so that is good.
I have a friend who asked me about starting a blog last night at church. We talked for a while. She’s a writer from the PR side of things and is very very good at what she did but she is retired now and wants to still write but has grandkids and all of those sorts of obligations. She also asked me to keep her updated on how I am doing in the MFA program because she’s interested in that as well. So we had a good chat last night about what blogging entails, the best platform, how to get started, etc. I hope she does it.
Well, I hope everyone has a good rest of the week.