Daily Archives: July 3, 2016

My Experiences With Different Social Media

These are my experiences, observations, and opinions about some social media sites. Let me know what yours are.:-)

Facebook-create: in my experience, it is the nicest, most supportive, most positive, informative, happy, socially conscious place to be! Love it. I could do without having everyone know when I’m on, and everyone knowing what I liked, oh and yes their owning all my data and pictures… But sharing with people, my relatives overseas and friends in US, as well as all over the world in one fell sweep is priceless!

instagram-logo-changes-update-lead: I love it, there are some very pretty pictures on it, and everyone likes the pictures and the comments are always positive! I think the most likes I’ve gotten is about 15… I did get 28 views of a video (Zumba) I posted… but I recently discovered hashtags, haha, so lets see if that improves the likes…

twitter: It is quite indifferent to me and I am quite indifferent to it, (shrugging my shoulders, is there a shmsh?) I never get any replies or likes or anything on my once every month tweets. I also don’t comment much on anyone else’s. I find Twitter a bit meaningless, maybe just my age, as I know things can often go viral there and all… whatever, it doesn’t speak to me.

YouTube-avatar-generic (11): Youtube is great, I love the videos, I’ve posted some. Not as interactive as the other social media sites, but the videos can be amazing, and I like it.

download: This is the only site I’ve had a very negative experience with. I was posting my blog posts on, I think it was the bipolar subreddit, and people on there started saying “this person has an ulterior motive, stay away from them.” Then one of them looked at my blog and said I explicitly stated that I wanted to get more views by posting on Reddit. Duh, of course I wanted to get more views, that’s why I post on FB, Twitter, Google +. So anyway, I don’t post in that subreddit anymore, I just post in other ones. But it’s not very user friendly and tells you all the time that “You’re doing that too often, come back in 8 minutes!” Sheesh, a website with an attitude. Also you can’t make your own sunreddit till you’ve been on it for a month and received so many karma points. I may just stop using it.

download: Awww Flickr, I think that was the first such site I ever used, and posted a bunch of pictures, but I haven’t really been using it for years. There are some amazing photographs on it though.

download (2): I have a google+ account, basically all I ever use it for is to post my blogposts from this blog on it. I never get any likes on it, no one has ever indicated that they are reading the posts, no comments. So it’s not all that useful for me…

download (1): I have an account here, but I don’t think I’ve pinned much here. I don’t really understand the point of pinterest… but that’s just me. I’m sure many people find it absolutely fascinating!

Morphine may make pain last longer

Considering how often opioids are used to treat pain, this is an unfortunate finding. In rats, both male and female, the duration of pain is extended after they are given opioids to treat pain. I really dislike research on animals that causes them pain, like this one, but of course, I do very grudgingly admit that we do learn things from it. So giving rats opioids extended the duration of their pain and when they started to heal from an injury. It is most likely due to the immune system which sees the opioids as foreign and starts an immune reaction or inflammatory response against the opioid molecules. This inflammatory response then makes the pain last longer and the healing start later.

Hmmm, in addition to their high addictive potential, this is another reason to rethink using opioids for pain. We need study this and ascertain whether this is also happening in humans.


Painkillers in the opium family may actually make pain last longer. Morphine treatment after a nerve injury doubled the duration of pain in rats, scientists report the week of May 30 in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

The results raise the troubling prospect that in addition to having unpleasant side effects and addictive potential, opioids such as OxyContin and Vicodin could actually extend some types of pain. If a similar effect is found in people, “it suggests that the treatment is actually contributing to the problem,” says study coauthor Peter Grace, a neuroscientist at the University of Colorado Boulder.

Scientists have known that opioid-based drugs can cause heightened sensitivity to pain for some people, a condition called opioid-induced hyperalgesia. The new study shows that the effects linger weeks after use of the drugs is stopped. Male rats underwent surgery in which their sciatic nerves, which run down the hind legs, were squeezed with a stitch — a constriction that causes pain afterward. Ten days after surgery, rats received a five-day course of either morphine or saline.

Rats that didn’t receive morphine took about four weeks to start recovering, showing less sensitivity to a poke. Rats that got morphine took about eight weeks to show improvements — double the time. “That’s far bigger than we had anticipated,” Grace says. “We were definitely surprised by that.”

These experiments were done with male rats, but unpublished data indicate that morphine extends pain even longer in female rats, Grace says, results that fit with what’s known about differences in how males and females experience pain.

Longer-lasting pain in the rats came courtesy of an inflammatory response in the spinal cord. The immune system sees morphine as a threat, the researchers suspect, and responds by revving up inflammation through specialized cells called microglia. Experiments that shut down this process in microglia shortened the duration of the pain.

Many questions remain. Scientists don’t yet know if a similar immune reaction happens in people. Nor is it known whether all opioid-based painkillers would behave like morphine.

Understanding the details of how the process works has important implications for doctors, many of whom may be unaware of opioids’ complex relationship with pain, says internal medicine physician Jonathan Chen of Stanford University School of Medicine. Clarity on how opioids influence pain could change doctors’ prescribing habits and encourage the search for better pain treatments, he says.

Grace points out that the experiments were done in genetically similar rats, and that people may have more varied responses to opioids. That variability might mean that not everyone would be at risk for such long-lasting pain, he says. “But clearly these data suggest that there may be a subset of people who might be in trouble.”

Metformin Linked to Lower Neurodegenerative Disease Risk


Metformin, also known as Glucophage, a drug used to treat Diabetes Type 2, has been shown to have a longterm protective effect against neurodegenrative diseases such as Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease.

Metformin, also known as Glucophage, a drug used to treat Diabetes Type 2, has been shown to have a longterm protective effect against neurodegenrative diseases such as Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease.

The mechanism of this protection is unclear, however it is known that Metformin does cross the blood brain barrier.

I think it is pretty amazing that a drug that is used to lower glucose levels in Type 2 Diabetes patients can have a protective effect against neurodegenerative diseases! It will be interesting to find out how this occurs. This may be an indication as to how it does this http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/767139. This article says “Metformin may help renew neurons.” In this article they say that Metformin activates a key pathway that activates neurogenesis!

And yet another article  http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/807886, which says
Metformin cuts dementia risk in Type 2 Diabetes. Whereas other therapies such as Insulin increased dementia risk!

All amazing findings. I wonder what it would do people who don’t have diabetes? Well for one it would lower their blood sugar too much so it cannot be used on wildtype people. So the folks who have Type 2 Diabetes get to enjoy this neuro-protective effect.


The article in the title, or the titular article, haha, always wanted to use that word: http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/864681

Metformin may exert a long-term protective effect against neurodegenerative diseases including Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s, new research suggests.

Findings from a retrospective longitudinal study of data from Veterans’ Affairs electronic medical records were presented June 11 here at the annual American Diabetes Association (ADA) 2016 Scientific Sessions by Qian Shi, a PhD candidate at Tulane University, New Orleans, Louisiana.

“For metformin exposure longer than 2 years, we found a significant reduction in neurodegenerative disease.…Metformin may be neuroprotective,” Ms Shi told Medscape Medical News.

The results were consistent even after researchers controlled for kidney function, chronic renal disease, and other diabetes medications.

The mechanism is unclear, but metformin is known to cross the blood-brain barrier, she noted.

Asked to comment, session moderator Lawrence S Phillips, MD, professor of medicine at Emory University School of Medicine, Atlanta, Georgia, said: “Metformin has pleiotropic effects, and it is of great interest for a variety of reasons.”

He added that there was an entire symposium here yesterday at the ADA meeting devoted to emerging findings regarding metformin, including its possible preventive roles in cancer and heart disease.

But at the same time, Dr Phillips cautioned that even though the investigators controlled for renal function and other potential confounders, “the hard question in all of these epidemiologic analyses is ruling out confounding by indication.…You wonder if the patients who didn’t get metformin or stay on it were somehow sicker in ways other than what [estimated glomerular filtration rate] eGFR might  have been picked up in the analysis. I think that’s very hard to tell in an epidemiologic analysis of an administrative database.”

Nonetheless, he told Medscape Medical News, “It absolutely deserves further study.”

Effect Seen After 2 Years

Ms Shi said that prior data on metformin and neurodegenerative diseases have been conflicting. While two previous population studies have shown that long-term treatment with metformin may reduce the risk of cognitive decline, other data indicated that cognitive performance was worse among patients taking metformin, possibly due to vitamin B12 deficiency. And long-term use of the drug was associated with a slightly increased risk for Alzheimer’s disease in another trial.

The current study population consisted of patients with type 2 diabetes older than 50 years from the Veterans Affairs electronic medical records database who were receiving insulin treatment. They were followed from the time of diagnosis until death or outcome.

Out of 150,435 who met those criteria, 41,696 were excluded for a variety of confounders, including neuropathy, vitamin B12 deficiency, prior neurodegenerative diseases, cognitive impairment, or late effects of cerebrovascular disease, cancer, or end-stage renal disease. Patients who took insulin for less than two-thirds of the study period were also excluded.

The final study sample was 6046 patients (over 90% male) with a mean age of 63 years. They were followed for a median of 5.25 years.

In addition to renal function and other diabetes medications, Ms Shi and colleagues also controlled for age, gender, race, tobacco use, obesity, and history of other complications and comorbidities at baseline.

During follow-up, 334 cases of dementia were diagnosed, as were 100 of Parkinson’s, 71 Alzheimer’s disease cases, and 19 with cognitive impairment.

The adjusted incidence of developing one or more neurodegenerative diseases per 100 person-years was 2.08 for those who never used metformin, 2.47 for those using metformin less than 1 year, 1.61 for less than 2 years, 1.30 for 2 to 4 years, and 0.49 for 4 or more years.

The protective relationship between metformin and neurodegenerative disease was statistically significant only after 2 years.

Compared with no metformin, the hazard ratios for 2 to 4 years of metformin therapy for all neurodegenerative diseases combined was 0.623 and for 4 or more years 0.216.

The findings were also significant for dementia specifically (0.567 at 2–4 years and 0.252 for 4+ years) and for Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s diseases only beyond 4 years (0.038 and 0.229, respectively).

“Similar risk reductions occurred in dementia and Parkinson’s but were not duplicated to other subtype diseases, most likely due to the limited numbers of events,” Ms. Shi explained.

“A large-scale prospective cohort study may be needed to confirm the relationship and the causality between metformin exposure and the risk for neurodegenerative disease,” she concluded.

Managing My Anger

Many people need to control their anger by learning not to let it out. They can take anger management courses.

My anger problem is keeping it all in. I never know when it’s safe to let some of it out. And I don’t think they have courses for that.

Why do I need to let my anger out? Wouldn’t I be happier and life be easier if I were pleasant and agreeable all the time?

No. There are reasons I need my anger, and need to express it.A LOADING Illustration with Black Background - Anger

I need to vent. I was at the office once and a coworker had done some crazy thing or other. I went to my boss and spouted off. Wisely, he just tsk-tsked about it and didn’t try to fix anything. He knew that it was just a frustrating situation and I needed to express my feelings.

Stuffing your feelings is unhealthy. It’s especially bad if you push the feelings of anger down and then try to smother them with food or alcohol. A character on Dharma and Greg once said, “If you’re going to bottle up your feelings, you might as well pickle them first.” Taking advice from sitcoms is usually not the best idea.

Swallowed feelings don’t go away. They stay inside you and fester. Sooner or later you may explode and cause real damage – the kind you can’t fix. Better to let off a little anger at times than to save it all for later.

Sometimes, anger is justified. Anger at injustice or when you’ve been wronged is appropriate. If you don’t express it, the injustice or wrongful behavior will simply continue.

Having bipolar disorder makes dealing with my feelings of anger even trickier. I’ve spent too many years not recognizing that I even have anger and that it’s sometimes an appropriate feeling. That leads to being a doormat, which I also have years of experience with.

Dealing with my bipolar issues has meant dealing with anger as well. Here are a few things I’ve learned.

There are people I can vent to. One of them is my therapist; some of my male and female friends provide good outlets too. These are not people I am angry at, at least not at the time I vent. As with my former boss, I just need someone to hear and acknowledge my feelings of anger. I have separate categories – a friend to discuss my husband with, another one for work issues, and so forth – so no one has to listen to too much of my anger spillover.

I need to pick my battles. Living with anyone causes friction, which can lead to anger. Just this week I was mad at my husband. I wanted to shout at him, “If you had done your errands yesterday instead of watching movies, you wouldn’t be jammed up today and laying them off on me!” But really, how would that have helped? Could he go back to yesterday and do the errands himself? Would it have helped to refuse to do the errands and then sulked all day? Was there any real reason I couldn’t help out? Best to let this one go.

I have to measure my words. Perhaps I do this too much, but some amount is necessary. What was helpful this week was to say to my husband (after I had run the errands), “I need to tell you that I’m frustrated that you left all these errands until today and I had to take over some of them. There were other things I needed to be doing today.” (My things could be postponed; his couldn’t.) By that time I had cooled off enough that “frustrated” was more accurate than “angry,” and less likely to trigger a major shouting match. (Also notice the “I” statements that psychologists recommend.)

If I am angry and I do express it, it’s survivable. My husband and I have gotten through some very bad spells when both of us have been extremely angry. Some of them have required couples therapy, while others have been solved through time and negotiation. Other parts of my life have not turned out as well. I had to cut ties with a toxic relative for whom I had an unhealthy level of anger, with no hope of either of us changing.But I survived – and was the better for it, mentally and emotionally. Sometimes that’s necessary, for either your own or the other person’s mental health and safety.

It helps to have a good emotional vocabulary. Seriously. I don’t have to jump straight to anger when something upsets me. Maybe I really am just frustrated. Or disturbed. Or annoyed. Inconvenienced. Irritated. Miffed. Insulted. Disappointed. Cranky. Those feelings are easy to mistake for anger. It may be better for me to step back and ask, “Do I really feel angry?”

It helps to have a repertoire of behaviors. Not all anger has to be dealt with the same way. I could lash out and say something hurtful. But I could also walk away until I calm down, or have a good cry. I could say, “I’m too angry to discuss this now.” I could release my anger in a physical activity (actually, my husband is much more likely to do this). I could write a “never-send” letter (or a “to-be-sent” one).

But the first step to all of these is recognizing that I do indeed feel anger, and have a right to own my anger and express it. Anger may be harmful, but denying it is harmful too.

Filed under: Mental Health Tagged: anger, anger management, bipolar disorder, coping mechanisms, friends, husband, marriage, mental health, my experiences, social skills, support systems

Elie Wiesel, Nobel Peace Prize laureate, chronicler of the Holocaust, dies | Jewish Telegraphic Agency


Greetings from Radiationland: Cancer & Me

Even superheroes have to wait sometimes

Even superheroes have to wait sometimes

Warnings: Probable swearing; certain whinging; & at least one tomato reference. Cue song: cheers, Mr Jones. This really struck a chord – you’re a guitarist, I bet you’ve not heard that one before, eh? – when I listened to it yesterday.

Treatment update: I’ve been taking an anti-cancer pill for over a fortnight now. Good news: it doesn’t seem to have had any side effects, unless you count low level mood swings. Of course, given I have bipolar, it’s a crap shoot as to whether any depression or highes are really down to medication. Bad news: I have to take it for five years. Assuming the rules relating to prescriptions stay as they are, this means I’ll pay for the first three years, then have the last two free.

Not all the best things in life are free: ice cream boat, York, 2016

Not all the best things in life are free: ice cream boat, York, 2016

As someone who’s swallowed more prescription meds than Smarties over the last 10 years, a low level dose, 1 x a day pill is not that big a deal. It would be even less of one if Donny became part of Scotland, where prescriptions are free. But that’s for another blog, another time.

Next up on the breast cancer cards is 15 sessions of radiotherapy, beginning later this week. When they first started to talk to me about cancer treatment, back in mid April, I guessed that most of July would be taken up with radiotherapy sessions. I’m neither pleased nor distressed to learn that I was right.

I’ve already been over to Weston Park Hospital in Sheffield for a CT scan, and some (permanent) tattoos which will help the folks in the radiotherapy department line me up properly so the correct bit of the correct breast gets zotted. (1)  The literature said something about how the scanner would make low level noise: this was correct. What I don’t recall the pamphlet mentioning is how, when you’re alone in the room, the CT scanner suddenly does a very short, very loud imitation of the bastard son of a washing machine, and a large fan.

Meanwhile, back at the writing ranch, I wrote my first new fiction in weeks at yesterday’s writers’ group. I also received some useful feedback on my current work in progress, “Sherlock Jones & the Geek Interventionist”. “Geek” is one of the short stories in my upcoming collection, “A Yorkshireman in Ohio”. It’s also the sequel to “Sherlock Jones & the Hound of the Basingstokes”, one of the five stories in my current collection, “Koi Carpe Diem”.

Seize the fish!

Seize the fish!

The link between writing, and my mental health, keeps coming up: I despair, then give up or almost give up writing, then remember how much writing does toward keeping me (comparatively) well. It’s as though someone snatches away my notebooks, pens, pencils, laptop, etc, then I sit and cry, til someone returns them, and I say, “Oh, yes!”

This is followed by the metaphorical equivalent of my hitting myself over the head with the unabridged Webster’s and Oxford dictionaries.

Let’s see you top that, radiotherapy. Then again, please don’t.

Light for the trees: Doncaster, July 2016

Light for the trees: Doncaster, July 2016

(1) “Zotted” = irradiated (North jargon)

Tagged: A Yorkshireman in Ohio, bipolar, breast cancer, Cancer, CT scan, hospital, Koi Carpe Diem, mental health, radiotherapy, Sherlock Jones, Steampunk, Stereophonics, Weston Park, writers’ group, writing

Gaping Maw

I am a gaping maw – a wide open gaping maw of unending unquenchable need. I feel as if I ever opened that maw, if I ever asked for help, if I ever showed my true self, my need, my pain, it is so great that I would scare off others, so great that no one could deal with it, so great that no one could love me. 

If I let others, even my husband, see my true need, my true pain, my true self, they would run off in terror. So I protect myself with a shield, a facade of strength. I don’t let people close, not really. I just seem to. Actually, I hold everyone at arms length. I let no one, not even myself, access to my true self, to my deepest pain, to my longing, to not feeling lovable, to not feeling truly able to love. I hold back always. 

I may appear one way and feel quite another. I appear capable and loving, but feel like a failure, never quite measuring up, never earning something that always should have been offered unconditionally.

Filed under: Mental Health Tagged: alienation, distance, emotional distance, emotional pain, love, pain, self esteem, suffering

Writing on a Plane

Travel Journal from Las Vegas to Portland

On my way, our way, to Oregon to visit family. Tonight driving out to the coast to stay at the Adobe. Tomorrow Jennifer is visiting from Australia. BBQ at in-laws to celebrate and to meet her new boyfriend. Will then have to stay in Newport at the Shilo Inn. Because we waited until the last minute, we were unable to get reservations for lodging in Waldport. 4th of July, or in this case, the 3rd of July, when they do their fireworks, is a big deal in Waldport.

Do not look forward to it, actually. Being around that many people can be overwhelming, overstimulating. Plus, Matthew is likely to get a migraine. We will have nowhere to go for respite aside from the car (and the beach itself).

Tomorrow night and Monday night, when we stay in Newport, we may rent a second car so that Nick can go to and from and Matthew and I can stay at the hotel and order room service or go shopping, as there is no sales tax.
This is boring. Writing this. Who cares


What am I thinking? I’m thinking that I DO NOT want to be a caregiver. I DO NOT want to be blogging about being a caregiver. I was looking forward to having free time to develop my blog, my writing, start speaking. NOT taking care of mom and dad.

So, here I must decide to back off. For my own good. They are being taken care of. I know I will get phone calls. Hopefully less so as mom settles in to her latest placement. She’s been a challenge to accommodate.

She’s doing better now that we’ve separated her and dad.

So, I will leave her be. Let her adjust. Allow her caregivers, her memory care to do their job. I will back off. I will not go above and beyond the call of duty.


What do I do to help Matthew? Fuck it. Fuck taking care of Matthew. I brought meds. Just let him deal. I must figure out how to take care of myself. I’ve noticed recently how sensitive I am to external stimulation. I’m raw. Jangly. All nerves. I’m spent. Burned out. Need another spa weekend. Need to recuperate.

Deep breath. Relax.

Perhaps… Perhaps I could turn off my phone more often, or let it go into voicemail when I get calls regarding my mom…

Got to make Matthew get a driver’s license. Need him to be able to drive. Realize he’s young, but it would really help. Too much to drive him to class for just one hour. Ridiculous, in fact. Perhaps his class schedule could change. How would it best accommodate me, my needs?

Matthew keeps on bringing up issues with equipment. We buy him the best, then he complains and asks for more and more and more.

Like mom, a sponge. I must say NO.

NO. You figure it out. You call for technical support. I will not continually buy you new devices. NO. If I can use my computer for over a year and just send it in when it needs repairs (which is a pain in the ass, granted, I admit that it is and that I’ve had problems with my laptop screen on more than one occasion).

He and I both use our computers more than most. For most of our waking hours.

Here I am on Southwest flying from Las Vegas to Portland. Direct flights were too expensive when you wait until the week before 4th of July to buy tickets. We flew Orange County to Las Vegas, so we vacationed for a little over an hour in Vegas. Had lunch in the airport. Vegas is a trip with all the slot machines in their airport.

Last time I saw slot machines in an airport is when Nick and I married. We flew in and out of Reno, marrying at the Cal Neva on Lake Tahoe. Lake Tahoe is gorgeous. Our wedding photo has it as our backdrop.

I am fatigued. Deeply fatigued. I could just sleep and sleep and sleep. 

Lots of parents bringing their infants to the bathroom for diaper changes. Now we have a line. Downside of sitting in last row of an airplane.

Here I free-write, as I did at the last OC Writer’s write-in. Wonder what I will use. What I will post. Whether I will do a data drop and just publish this and other writing that I’ve done. Wonder whether anyone would enjoy reading this.

I prefer to craft my writing. Edit. Rewrite. Who knows. Maybe I can do a dump every once in a while to show people what I do at times.

This is, perhaps, how I think. Perhaps it provides some insight into how I think. Why anyone would care, I don’t know.

I was tempted to go back and read and edit what I’d written, then thought better of it. Free-writing is free-writing. Just let it flow. Just go with the flow.

How often do I write like this? Not often enough. But I do have bits and pieces of unused writing on my computer and in journals.

Years ago threw out a chest full of my writing. Mistake. Will not do again.

Just finished my seltzer water. Refreshing. Have a headache. Maybe the ice made it too cold. Maybe I’m anxious. Maybe both.

Shallow deep breath, kind of deepish breath, okay it wasn’t deep at all, but I do need to relax. Instead, I shall work myself up into a… I don’t want to type work myself up into a lather – just too lame. Work myself up into a tizzy – also lame. Is it okay to say lame? Politically incorrect.

Not what you want to do when you free-write. Don’t want to let word choice or political correctness get in the way of writing. Just write.

My eyes
My eyes struggle
They hurt
Can’t wait to land
Then long drive to coast
Three and a half hours
Will take forever
The day of endless travel
Plus I can smell shit
Oh, the joy of sitting next to the toilet
Feel like throwing up
Feel like it
Can smell it
Feel like it
Smell it
Thank God for flight attendants and air freshener
Much better now
Though still exhausted
Still spent
Need rejuvenation
Need Matthew to start taking better care of himself
Maybe I can pay him to…
I’ve offered to pay him to take driver’s ed
He drags his feet

Want to sell minivan
Nick taking forever to “fix” it, to ready it for market or for donation to charity
Want to sell my parents’ car, too, though I like driving it, actually
Prefer driving it to the Honda Civic
Makes sense to wait until Matthew is driving to buy new car
Only need two cars
Mistyped only need two cares
Two cares
What two cares do I need?
What two cares can I limit myself to?
Must care for myself
Must care for my marriage
Must care for…
Yes, I must care for Matthew, but less so than before
He’ll be 16 in a couple of weeks
Time to be more independent
Time to push him out of the nest
So, is he afraid of driving because he gets migraines?
His school is close…
I think he’ll feel safer driving himself than having me drive him
I’m not the best driver in the world
Spacey driver
In my head too much
Do not pay enough attention
Getting ready to descend
Time to pack up
They haven’t told us to lock our trays yet
Guess I can type a few more lines of words
Whether or not I have anything of substance to say
Looking forward to being out of airplanes and airports
Looking forward to driving out to the Central Oregon Coast
Beautiful drive
Nick will drive
I will sleep
This time I reserved a mid-size car
No more “Speck”
We always get the cheapest car
Cars so tiny that we can barely fit
Not this time
I insist on being comfortable on this trip
When we arrive
When we are in Newport on Monday morning
We’ll have to look into renting an Enterprise car for Nick
Turbulent no
Fasten seat belts
Put tray table back
Not sure if it’s about time to pack up my iPad
Anker keyboard works well with Apple Pages app
Many apps it does not work so well with

This stream I typed after having read the in-flight magazine
After playing Solitaire
On my phone
1450 words so far

Not sure I have any more words to share, any more words in me right now, but since it’s not yet time to pack up my iPad, I’ll continue.

Must care for myself. Must distance myself from my mom. For my own good. She drains me. I’ve always had to protect myself from her, yet I remain enmeshed. Must separate. Feel guilty. Like I’m a bad girl, a bad daughter, a bad person. Like I can never give enough. Yet, the more I give, the less I have left. I cannot give when I end up drained, spent.

This I’m not so sure I can share, but here it is. The thought, the wish, that my mother die to spare me. Extreme. Felt it as a much younger woman. Hatred, anger toward my mother. Love her, too. Complicated. When my mother once stormed out one afternoon when my sister and I were adolescents, saying she was leaving, moving out. We said goodbye (and thought good riddance). She, our mother, soon called back home and asked us if we wanted to go to a movie. We said sure, and the three of us went to see Airplane. Ambivalent, for sure. I haven’t shared in detail the complicated relationship I have with my mother. I am heir to her illness. She never admitted to having a mental illness. She never admitted to ever making a mistake or being wrong. I can’t believe that I am still dealing with this shit. That I haven’t yet worked through it. My psychiatrist keeps asking me how my sister managed to not get so entrapped and enmeshed. I think it is that she let herself see and feel her anger at our mother, at our parents, early on. I did not. I internalized it. Took it upon myself. Martyred myself.

Filed under: Acceptance, Dementia, Family, Marriage, Mental Health, Motherhood, Parenting, Poetry, Writing Tagged: Free-writing, Southwest Airlines, Travel