Daily Archives: June 22, 2016

“Make Me Feel Alive” – Shatter Me (Lindsey Stirling)

If only the clockwork could speak I wouldn’t be so alone We’d burn every magnet and spring And spiral into the unknown Somebody shine a light I’m frozen by the fear in me Somebody make me feel alive And shatter me So cut me from the line Dizzy, spinning endlessly Somebody make me feel alive… More “Make Me Feel Alive” – Shatter Me (Lindsey Stirling)

My Journey Through Purgatory: Sanator

Ready. Set. Sail! I crashed. I’m so depressed. It feels like I’m being strangled. Lying in my bed, I can feel the weight of my worries pressing down on my chest; grabbing at my throat. I’m being suffocated. Tears stream down my cheeks like raindrops. They won’t stop. I can’t breathe. No one can hear… More My Journey Through Purgatory: Sanator



I got home from the University of Washington Pain Management Clinic a little while ago. I’d been sent there by my new doctor who wanted a review of my condition so she could treat me appropriately. It was an interesting experience. We went thru the usual tests of range of motion, gait analysis, mobility of limbs, needle pricks to see if I felt the sharpness (I did) and so forth. Nothing new from this testing and no new information about what was going on with me. But I did gain some important new knowledge.

I learned that the brilliant legislators in Washington State have decreed that no one shall be allowed more than 120 mgs. of opiates a day. Period. No discussion, no rebuttal, no recourse. This is a bit of a problem for me, you see, because for the last dozen years or more I’ve  been taking close to 300 mgs of Morphine as well as 15-20mgs of Dilaudid (Hydromorphone) a day. Imagine my surprise when they told me this. I was not shocked, because I know what the climate of the country is like these days around opiates. I was expecting something, but nothing this extreme. I mean they wanted to cut me back over 1/2 of what I’ve been taking for Years! Fuck!!!

Part of me wants to go down to Olympia and break the legs of every (probably Republican) legislator who voted for this draconian measure and leave them in pain forever while they beg for some relief. After all, that’s what I’ll be doing pretty soon – begging for relief – as soon as they drop me down to the 120 mgs. I’m now allowed. Sigh. I have what’s called Chronic Intractable Pain, so called because it’s constant, severe, disabling, and causes detectable changes in your heart rate, blood pressure, etc, and if it’s not treated it ends in death. Yep, a fun diagnosis for sure. I’m lovin’ it myself… I can function, but I’m always in pain and if I do much of anything it spikes so that I have to take some dilaudid for breakthrough pain. It helps a lot but it doesn’t make it go away completely.

I’d changed docs from the one I’d been seeing for 13 years because he stopped prescribing opiates. He never asked me to pee in a cup during that whole time because he trusted me not to mess with my meds, and I never have. Why would I? It’s Stupid! But the new doc at the UW clinic requires me to do that so that they can see if I’m honest. I am, and soon they’ll learn that, if they can keep treating me that is. I dunno if they will or not. Most doctors won’t touch me with the proverbial 10 foot pole. I sure hope the UW helps me or else I’ll be so sick I’ll be in the hospital for withdrawal symptoms. I mean 300 mgs a day is a Lot of morphine, let alone the dilaudid.

I understand that people are freaked out by the rising epidemic of opiate deaths due to mis-used pain medication. I feel badly about this. After all, addiction is a disease, and maybe they can’t help themselves. But a part of me is furious at them and at the politicians who seek to make headlines with new laws to keep people like me from getting the medicine they need to live a good life. Before I got the opiates I was a mess – I fit the portrait of Chronic Intractable Pain I described above. I spent a lot of time resting and I didn’t do a lot because I hurt too much. I still hurt, even with the meds. What will I do without my usual dose? I’m freaking out here!

No, I’m not – yet. I’m trying to stay calm. After all it’s only been a few months that I’ve felt relatively stable with my Bipolar Disorder. I’m not out of the woods yet and I still get suicidal and all, but I’m doing better than I have in ages. So imagine what this will do to my mood. Pain and mood are inextricably intertwined and if I hurt I often get depressed, and vice versa. It’s a vicious circle and I’m trapped in it for life. I’m not playing victim here – it’s just my reality. I do my best to live with it and I do pretty well, now – but what about 6 months from now? Where will I be then?

I hate that because some people overdose on opiates and die that the country is overreacting so severely as to limit what pain patients truly need to be OK. Obviously none of these politicians lives with severe chronic pain. If they did maybe they’d have some compassion for us. I’m angry at them and at the ones who abuse the opiates I need for survival, thus keeping them from me. The old rotten apple syndrome for sure. I never get”high” from these meds. I’m just in less pain is all. So for them to take my medicine away because some people do get high is totally unjust and wrong. Just because a few people screw it up for the rest of us is no excuse for this travesty. I’ll be writing my  congressperson soon, you can bet on it. Not that it’ll  do any good, but maybe I’ll feel like I’m doing something to change things that are so wrong. It’s an overwhelming feeling to be in this position.

I’m 65 now, and I’ve been living with chronic pain since I was 25. That’s a long time to live in pain. I hate it. But I have a good life because of the opiates that keep me functional and not in so much pain. I can live my life as I choose to. Maybe I don’t deserve to, I dunno. But that’s my depression talking. I do deserve to be OK and not suffer so much. We All deserve that. But the politicians who want to control our every breath don’t give a shit, and they make the laws so I have obey them. I’ll go along, because I HAVE NO CHOICE!! Such is life, eh?

Pissed off royally,


Filed under: Aging, Bipolar, Chronic Intractable Pain, Depression, Illness, Invisible Illness, Medications, Mental Health, Pain, Social Change, Stigma Tagged: Bipolar, chronic intractable pain, Illness, Invisible Illness, Medications, mental-health, recurrent depression, Stigma

Reblog – Thnks fr th mmrs

Originally posted on The Self-Actualized Life:
https://youtu.be/onzL0EM1pKY For day 12 of the June 1-30 challenge, found here, we are to tell about 12 things for which we are thankful. I’m sure I could come up with way more than that. I…

She Gets Me!

Yesterday I got a call from my dentist’s office to see what was happening with the extraction. I told her I called the other dentist’s office on Tuesday as requested (he had been away) and that they got me in … Continue reading

So My “Mood Disorder” Got the Best of Me This Morning *mentions suicide*


I have been having a really hard time controlling the symptoms of my primary diagnosis of Bipolar I with psychotic tendencies recently. It seems like everything is a trigger. Other people’s emotions have been triggering me. I am trying so hard to be “not Bipolar” so I don’t lose my current relationship to my disease like so many others that have fallen victim to my hyper-sensitivity and “scary” mood shifts and thoughts. If my boyfriend only knew how much I hide, he would probably leave too. He is also a bit hyper-sensitive and becomes frustrated easily. I really do not think he could handle what goes on in my head on any given day. I can’t handle what goes on in my head most of the time. So, I ignore it hoping the thoughts will go away on their own. They never do, but its worth a try. It is hard being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand it is my reaction to their frustration, depression, or mood in general that is the problem. It is not his fault that I am this way. I do not know where to place blame for this state that I live in. I do not know if there is even blame to be placed.

This morning, he was frustrated with one of his laptops, and lashed out. His level of anger frightened me because I can understand the feeling. I have lashed out at this disease in so many ways. Suicide attempts, checking myself in to the “looney” bin so I will be safe from myself, hiding how sick I am, trying to be normal all the while raging at how unfair it is that this is my life. I have a sister whose life seems to be perfect on the outside. She appears to have everything a person could want: a doctor for a husband, two beautiful children, a nice house, and car. I have Bipolar disorder among other disorders. I have no car due to an accident 3.5 years ago, I live in a 600 square foot apartment, ride the bus (that can be fun), ride my bicycle and walk. I have a father who regularly forgets the “little” things like my birthday and Christmas. He also doesn’t think that I am as sick as I am. I believe, and this may be misguided, that he thinks I am malingering so I do not have to work. Nothing could be further from the truth. I think a job would give me a sense of purpose. At the very least, I have secured myself a volunteer spot on a subcommittee to help create a more cohesive public mental healthcare system in my county. Perhaps, I can use my experience to help others.

I have mixed-episode Bipolar. I understand that this is one of the worst places a Bipolar person can be. Sometimes, I just want to scream at the randomness of my life’s experiences. I didn’t ask to be sick. I didn’t ask to be a 45 year old that has to have their mother buy them groceries because I have overstepped the limits of my disability check. I do not believe that I was born to be sick. I rarely experience anything but some mood state be it good, or usually, down. I am in a constant “low mood” or I am bouncing off the walls. I know my thoughts are frequently irrational and border on paranoia. I know I lose touch with reality sometimes. I get angry for no real reason. Most of the time I cruise along in my low mood, and convince myself that this life is worth living. On other days, like today, I wonder why I was born if I am going to live in such pain. Physical pain responds to Advil or Tylenol. Emotional pain responds to nothing that I have found. Even when I was self-medicating and appeared happy, there was always this underlying feeling that I was lying to myself and others.

I will wrap this up with a quote from Alice in Chains: “Hey, I ain’t ever coming home/Hey, I’ll just wander my own road/Hey, I can’t meet you here tomorrow…no, no/Say goodbye, don’t follow/Misery so hollow…….

Filed under: “Disability”, “truth”, anger, Bipolar Disorder, Broken and Bleeding, dysfunction, family, fuck it all, lack of worth, madness, Uncategorized Tagged: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Manic Depression, Mental Health, Mixed state (psychiatry), Mood, Relationships


One of the things I haven’t read much about when it comes to bipolar disorder is being obsessive or having obsessing thoughts. I obsess over little things like if the windows are closed at night to big things like what are people thinking about me. I know it seems stupid and possibly childish but paranoia, […]

New Islamophobia Report: Authors Linked to Hamas | Clarion Project

Ryan Mauro, the chief security analyst for the Muslim organization The Clarion Project, exposes the hypocrisy of CAIR (Committee on American Islamic Relations) and another of its affiliates.  CAIR employs the same tactics as one of its brother organizations, Hamas, handing out clothing, food, and other necessities to needy Muslim children, thus endearing itself to the Muslim community at large.

We saw this in Gaza after Israel unilaterally withdrew in 2005, which lead to a popular vote that resulted in victory for Hamas.  Things changed **just a little** after the election (I won’t go into the armed coup against the slightly trailing Fatah, which is another political mess).  Funds meant for infrastructure, food, clean water, and sanitation were diverted to…well, let’s just say for now that they were not used for their intended purpose.  I really want you to read this Clarion report, so I won’t allow myself to get diverted into the reasons Gaza became its own island.

I encourage you all to explore The Clarion Project’s work on the rights of Muslim girls and women to live safely, free from the terrors of “honor killings” child marriage, and FGM (female genital mutilation.)  The menu on their website will direct you.

I very much encourage you to watch their excellent documentary, The Honor Diaries, in which a group of Muslim women discuss their experiences openly and honestly.

In the spirit of these brave women, I refuse to be silenced by the institutionalized bullying promoted by a large segment of the Muslim community.  I refuse to dry up and blow away.  Because I am Jewish, of course anything I say is written off, because we all “know” that Jews are inherently suspect: especially Israeli Jews, who, as we all “know,” steal organs from Arab children and make bread with their blood.  This is not some fantasy, but was told to me by an Israeli Arab woman with whom I shared a hospital room in Jerusalem!  And her 9 year old daughter repeated this to me, when I asked her what she learned in
school about Jewish people.

With that, I hand you over to Ryan Mauro, and I do hope you will take a minute to read his article.


The Suicide Attempt

* I usually don’t post trigger warnings, but this post involves a suicide attempt, I felt it necessary* Our Neighbors Last week, Dave made a suicide attempt. Maurice and I don’t know most people in our apartment complex. Partially because many don’t speak English. Partially because many are just not friendly. We do know Dave […]

The post The Suicide Attempt appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Way Busy

Yesterday was complicated all over again. Culminated in me backing into a lady as I dropped the youngest one off at dance.  So that was fun–she had a brand-new car and I dented it.  She was nice enough about it.  So we got the cops out there and the whole catastrophe.

Getting ready for the trip and trying to get everybody’s laundry done. ALmost done with that. Done almost all my classwork for before I leave–I have one more assignment but it not going to be ready until tomorrow for me to respond to.  So.

For me project, I’ve got three more articles to type in and then I have to edit it and make sure the MSS is clean.  I’m so looking forward to finishing.  Then I will send it off and see what comes of it.

Another hectic days is ahead of me so I will quit for now,  Hope everyone has  a good rest of the week!