Hubby and I watched the 2016 Billboard Awards last night like we do most awards shows – we record it early and watch it later so we can skip any performances, drawn out acceptance speeches and, of course, commercials we … Continue reading 
If you are reading then you are going forward with the knowledge that you have been warned. I know some, maybe most of you are not going to agree with what I am about to say. I am an extremely logical person. I like facts and I like things that make sense within the confines of their bigger issue.
Having said that I swear if I read a post about someone just getting better from being bipolar, or “I just stopped taking my meds and I have never felt better”, or my favorite ” you have to have faith in God and then He will heal you.” First off I absolutely believe that God can and does heal people of seemingly impossible infirmities and illnesses. I also think they are awesome stories to share, but please don’t are me feel like I don’t have enough faith because I am not healed. I’m sorry but no one will ever convince me that they are truly bipolar and just got better, or just stopped taking meds and things were fine. I believe these things occur but I believe there is reason for them, usually that you weren’t bipolar or begin with or you were diagnosed a child and never should have been.
Admittedly I am probably on the high functioning side but like many other things in my life somehow people think that makes it not as bad or something. Truthfully, I honestly believe only difference between me and most people is that I have an amazing family and mom and dad. My Mom has always been there to help and try to guide me, even when I wasn’t at all worthy of her love. I believe my dysfunction is something that was mitigated by good parents that are good people. You can’t help but learn those things when it’s there every day of your life. It does bother me that people seem to hang on so tightly to their, “I can’t “, or “I was just in the hospital for the 10th time.” I know that I am not supposed to get aggravated because I don’t know these people or what their walk is like. But good grief while mental illness is highly subjective it in many ways is based in facts of human nature.
If you have been in the hospital 10 times you either aren’t taking care of yourself and making good choices, or you have crappy doctors that aren’t doing a thing for you. Why do I know this??? I know this because the day I was told my diagnosis I knew I needed to find a doctor and get on meds and probably needed to do some counseling. That hasn’t changed almost 2 years later. Sure sometimes I feel numb but why would I want to hurt the people around me just to feel good. Because I know I need meds I will for the rest of my life make sure that I have them and take them like I am supposed to. I believe that is what God wants me to do and I believe I glorify Him everytime I choose to take my meds instead of convince myself I’m ok.
Don’t get me wrong I absolutely believe there are those people who need to be hospitalized and need a lot of help. But I have seen people who have been told they have every condition under the sun make changes and learn to live in a different way. And guess what??? They are either completely med free or only on a anti depressant. But they are happy and healthy and they are enjoying life in a way they never have before. I am not that person. It doesn’t matter how long or how often I try to force myself to be better it doesn’t happen without my meds. I have always behaved and thought in a way that I could simply force things to happen by sheer will. I am having to learn that I have to let that go. That there is nothing about my illness that I can force to go away. There is nothing about it that is going to change. I was 34 when I was diagnosed, no good change came before then why would I believe it would change anything now.
Most important I can’t stand to watch people, who are not mentally ill, talk about and receive benefits for something when they could be out working to support themselves and often their families. I know I’m not supposed to say that and I know I’m not supposed to feel that way. But it makes me mad. I get up and go to work, I help to take care of my kids, I help those around me whenever I can. I suffer through the completely stupid lazy people I work with because I refuse to be defeated by my illness. And I firmly believe that if you are on meds, and the right meds, you feel better. You can handle life better. I also firmly believe that if you don’t feel that way that you a)have the wrong diagnosis or b) have the wrong meds. I truly believe that 99.9% of people who are taking their meds, seeking good doctors, have the right diagnosis, and go to counseling when needed are much more functional than they sometimes believe. There’s always a small portion that don’t have anything that works. But I believe it is in the vast majority of cases the individual that either likes attention and doesn’t want to be healthy or they enjoy telling people there is something wrong with them.
I talk about my bipolar often. But it’s not the first thing that I say to people in any situation or context. I have had several people reach out for information or facts about counseling, or mental illness. After I tell them it’s up to them. To me if you ask me about counseling or mental health then it’s up to you to make something happen. Sure we are all busy but you have to make it important. I never miss a visit with my psychiatrist. Even if I have to call into work because his appointments are 3 months out and I need to see him at my scheduled times. If you choose not to do something then you are choosing to live the way things are. That is no ones fault but your own. If you don’t take control over your mental and physical health no one else is going to do it for you. You have to be your best advocate and you have to make them listen if need be. Psycologists are the best. They are trained to test and evaluate and you get the closest you can get to a definite answer if you are evaluated by one.
I try to to laugh about my illness and my crazy moments as much as possible. But it isn’t a funny subject. It’s a subject that I deal with to some degree every day despite being medicated. I am constantly asking myself questions, wondering if I am over reacting, wondering why people don’t like me or why I constantly feel left out. These things are all very real to me, not to mention my baby moving out is always in the back of my mind. I never get a break. I never truly have quiet time because my mind is always working. But I keep getting up everyday and I keep taking care of my family, and going to my job, and trying to make a difference in my little corner of the world. I have good kids, even in the midst of being not medicated and often making extremely bad choices,I have good kids. If there is nothing else in this world that I do I can be proud that I love my kids, that they love each other, that they enjoy each other and are close and that they will go into the world knowing they can do anything that they want to do. Please don’t tell me you can’t get a job while medicated and seeing a therapist and I helped to raise 3 amazing kids not medicated for all of their young years.
It’s hard I get it. I know there are those that won’t like me anymore. But I honestly don’t care. Since when is it the people who work hard and do what they need to do that are the odd ones out. Why do we walk on eggshells so that the people scamming and using the systems aren’t offended. That doesn’t even almost make sense. And I for one am tired of it. I am tired of doing all the work and getting very little of the credit. I’m tired of doing the “right” thing and it not amounting to anything. I am tired of watching people abuse a system that was set up to help those who truly need help not people who want an excuse not to work or that use their problems to get money instead of working to overcome them. I am disgusted and it seems more everyday. I don’t want my kids to have to deal with people like this. I don’t want my kids to be overlooked, underpaid, and unappreciated because they are the ones that follow the rules and do the right thing. It’s not fair, I know no one said it would be, but it really isn’t fair. For as long as I can remember I have been able to easily define fairness. Of course I struggle with it as well and I miss things like everybody else. But I can seperate myself from pretty much any relationship I have in order to be as fair as possible to all involved. Not only do others not do that but I don’t even really think they try. I think they take advantage and will continue to do it until you make them stop. We should be allowed to stand up for ourselves. And as someone that is Bipolar and works her butt off to be stable and have normal interactions with people. I resent the hell out of people who use their illness for any reason and I believe I have just as much right to say that as they do to win and take money I am paying into the government to allow them to buy clothes, and drugs, and alcohol. that makes me mad and it should make you made too
Please be blessed!!i don’t shy away from confrontation so if you have something to say please feel free to do so. Otherwise, please find one good thing in your life today and do one thing that will get you closer to happy, healthy, and stable.
If you are reading then you are going forward with the knowledge that you have been warned. I know some, maybe most of you are not going to agree with what I am about to say. I am an extremely logical person. I like facts and I like things that make sense within the confines of their bigger issue.
Having said that I swear if I read a post about someone just getting better from being bipolar, or “I just stopped taking my meds and I have never felt better”, or my favorite ” you have to have faith in God and then He will heal you.” First off I absolutely believe that God can and does heal people of seemingly impossible infirmities and illnesses. I also think they are awesome stories to share, but please don’t are me feel like I don’t have enough faith because I am not healed. I’m sorry but no one will ever convince me that they are truly bipolar and just got better, or just stopped taking meds and things were fine. I believe these things occur but I believe there is reason for them, usually that you weren’t bipolar or begin with or you were diagnosed a child and never should have been.
Admittedly I am probably on the high functioning side but like many other things in my life somehow people think that makes it not as bad or something. Truthfully, I honestly believe only difference between me and most people is that I have an amazing family and mom and dad. My Mom has always been there to help and try to guide me, even when I wasn’t at all worthy of her love. I believe my dysfunction is something that was mitigated by good parents that are good people. You can’t help but learn those things when it’s there every day of your life. It does bother me that people seem to hang on so tightly to their, “I can’t “, or “I was just in the hospital for the 10th time.” I know that I am not supposed to get aggravated because I don’t know these people or what their walk is like. But good grief while mental illness is highly subjective it in many ways is based in facts of human nature.
If you have been in the hospital 10 times you either aren’t taking care of yourself and making good choices, or you have crappy doctors that aren’t doing a thing for you. Why do I know this??? I know this because the day I was told my diagnosis I knew I needed to find a doctor and get on meds and probably needed to do some counseling. That hasn’t changed almost 2 years later. Sure sometimes I feel numb but why would I want to hurt the people around me just to feel good. Because I know I need meds I will for the rest of my life make sure that I have them and take them like I am supposed to. I believe that is what God wants me to do and I believe I glorify Him everytime I choose to take my meds instead of convince myself I’m ok.
Don’t get me wrong I absolutely believe there are those people who need to be hospitalized and need a lot of help. But I have seen people who have been told they have every condition under the sun make changes and learn to live in a different way. And guess what??? They are either completely med free or only on a anti depressant. But they are happy and healthy and they are enjoying life in a way they never have before. I am not that person. It doesn’t matter how long or how often I try to force myself to be better it doesn’t happen without my meds. I have always behaved and thought in a way that I could simply force things to happen by sheer will. I am having to learn that I have to let that go. That there is nothing about my illness that I can force to go away. There is nothing about it that is going to change. I was 34 when I was diagnosed, no good change came before then why would I believe it would change anything now.
Most important I can’t stand to watch people, who are not mentally ill, talk about and receive benefits for something when they could be out working to support themselves and often their families. I know I’m not supposed to say that and I know I’m not supposed to feel that way. But it makes me mad. I get up and go to work, I help to take care of my kids, I help those around me whenever I can. I suffer through the completely stupid lazy people I work with because I refuse to be defeated by my illness. And I firmly believe that if you are on meds, and the right meds, you feel better. You can handle life better. I also firmly believe that if you don’t feel that way that you a)have the wrong diagnosis or b) have the wrong meds. I truly believe that 99.9% of people who are taking their meds, seeking good doctors, have the right diagnosis, and go to counseling when needed are much more functional than they sometimes believe. There’s always a small portion that don’t have anything that works. But I believe it is in the vast majority of cases the individual that either likes attention and doesn’t want to be healthy or they enjoy telling people there is something wrong with them.
I talk about my bipolar often. But it’s not the first thing that I say to people in any situation or context. I have had several people reach out for information or facts about counseling, or mental illness. After I tell them it’s up to them. To me if you ask me about counseling or mental health then it’s up to you to make something happen. Sure we are all busy but you have to make it important. I never miss a visit with my psychiatrist. Even if I have to call into work because his appointments are 3 months out and I need to see him at my scheduled times. If you choose not to do something then you are choosing to live the way things are. That is no ones fault but your own. If you don’t take control over your mental and physical health no one else is going to do it for you. You have to be your best advocate and you have to make them listen if need be. Psycologists are the best. They are trained to test and evaluate and you get the closest you can get to a definite answer if you are evaluated by one.
I try to to laugh about my illness and my crazy moments as much as possible. But it isn’t a funny subject. It’s a subject that I deal with to some degree every day despite being medicated. I am constantly asking myself questions, wondering if I am over reacting, wondering why people don’t like me or why I constantly feel left out. These things are all very real to me, not to mention my baby moving out is always in the back of my mind. I never get a break. I never truly have quiet time because my mind is always working. But I keep getting up everyday and I keep taking care of my family, and going to my job, and trying to make a difference in my little corner of the world. I have good kids, even in the midst of being not medicated and often making extremely bad choices,I have good kids. If there is nothing else in this world that I do I can be proud that I love my kids, that they love each other, that they enjoy each other and are close and that they will go into the world knowing they can do anything that they want to do. Please don’t tell me you can’t get a job while medicated and seeing a therapist and I helped to raise 3 amazing kids not medicated for all of their young years.
It’s hard I get it. I know there are those that won’t like me anymore. But I honestly don’t care. Since when is it the people who work hard and do what they need to do that are the odd ones out. Why do we walk on eggshells so that the people scamming and using the systems aren’t offended. That doesn’t even almost make sense. And I for one am tired of it. I am tired of doing all the work and getting very little of the credit. I’m tired of doing the “right” thing and it not amounting to anything. I am tired of watching people abuse a system that was set up to help those who truly need help not people who want an excuse not to work or that use their problems to get money instead of working to overcome them. I am disgusted and it seems more everyday. I don’t want my kids to have to deal with people like this. I don’t want my kids to be overlooked, underpaid, and unappreciated because they are the ones that follow the rules and do the right thing. It’s not fair, I know no one said it would be, but it really isn’t fair. For as long as I can remember I have been able to easily define fairness. Of course I struggle with it as well and I miss things like everybody else. But I can seperate myself from pretty much any relationship I have in order to be as fair as possible to all involved. Not only do others not do that but I don’t even really think they try. I think they take advantage and will continue to do it until you make them stop. We should be allowed to stand up for ourselves. And as someone that is Bipolar and works her butt off to be stable and have normal interactions with people. I resent the hell out of people who use their illness for any reason and I believe I have just as much right to say that as they do to win and take money I am paying into the government to allow them to buy clothes, and drugs, and alcohol. that makes me mad and it should make you made too
Please be blessed!!i don’t shy away from confrontation so if you have something to say please feel free to do so. Otherwise, please find one good thing in your life today and do one thing that will get you closer to happy, healthy, and stable.
I’m just sitting here looking at my keyboard trying to think of something to write.
Let’s see. Well this morning I was awoken by thunderstorms. I hate hate hate thunderstorms. I’m terrified they will turn into a tornado. I know what to do if it happens but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying. Plus they are calling for storms all damn week. Hubby can not get off soon enough. Time off that is.
I played some hearthstone. It pissed me off so after two games I quit. I’m kind of shaky today.
Oh I read an entire book today, in about 6 hours. Ended up buying the sequel, hope it’s just as good. I can’t remember what it’s called and I’m too lazy to go downstairs and look or I’d tell you the name. It’s a gruesome story of a tormented female FBI agent who tracks down serial killers. Maybe not to everyone’s taste. I love being able to access so many books both through amazon and itunes. Usually I just read vampire/werewolf/witch books. I love the supernatural but the book was free and I’ll read a free book.
Well I guess I ended up writing more than I had thought would even come out. Apparently babbling to yourself is the way to write sometimes.
Posted in Read Along
Wouldn’t you know it.
I have had a maintenance appointment for my van this morning, but….
I’ve been feeling weird for a few days. Had an “upset stomach” last week, treated with Imodium and cannabis tincture, got OK in a few hours.
Past few days I’ve been seeing some blood in my stools, but that does happen now and then. I’ve got Crohn’s Disease, after all. Fortunately a mild case. I’m grateful for that!
Last night I felt beat. I chalked that up to long pleasant walks with My Girl Atina. Had a simple dinner of soup and went to bed at eight.
I awakened at 6 with a start. Freezing cold. Well, it WAS freezing cold, since I am low on propane and had to triage between the gas fridge and the heater. The fridge won. So it was pretty damn cold this morning.
Suddenly I realized why I was awake at that ridiculous hour: I needed the bathroom, and right now!
Fortunately my bathroom is right next to the bed, so I hopped in there….
Sorry to be gross, and I won’t be upset if you stop reading now. In fact, I won’t even know if you stop reading now, so proceed at your own risk.
There is a certain vile stench that rises off of bloody stool. Those who have smelled it know what I mean.
If I were not the kind of person who would rather die than puke, there would have been a terrible mess.
Imodium doesn’t stop this kind of thing. Blood is very irritating to the digestive tract. Imodium does seem to help the cramps and spasticity, so I use it. I’m on my third. Can’t take more than four a day. As it is, after this episode has passed, my gut will be paralyzed. I won’t crap for four or five days, at least, and then I might have a normal week or two.
Now my belly is lying there on top of me all pooched out, full of borborygmi (oh God I love that word! Borborygmus, singular; borborygmi, plural. Def: bowel sounds that are audible with the naked ear)–in my case, audible across the room.
Last time, we had a little conversation about farts. Remember?
Good. Well, people, I know there are those among you who KNOW that dreadful feeling…is it really a fart? Or is it…something else….
Yes, it certainly could be something else….let us get to the bathroom…quick….
Oh dear.
Let’s look on the bright side: at least I’m disabled, so I don’t have to worry about calling in sick.
But I just did call in sick to the mechanic! Oh brother.
I’ve been halashing (that’s Jewish for “longing,” more or less) to do some volunteer work. What I really want to do is to read aloud to little kids, homeless people, nursing home residents, people stuck in the damn hospital….anyone who wants to hear the magic of a book.
To me, books are the most tangible evidence of humanity. There is magic in the visual arts, but those could have been done by angels. No angel could write a book. They are too concrete, angels. Come to think of it, an angel could never make good art. You have to break the rules to make really good art. Angels are programmed. They can’t break the rules.
Ugh, my belly hurts. Now I have to find my heat pack and put it in the microwave. And burn some fucking incense. Atina’s been licking her ass again. The bathroom is stinking the place up. God, I can’t wait till this blows over.
Posted in Read Along
Yesterday was your birthday. You would have been 91, though you left us just shy of 87. I spent most of the day not even thinking about you or what day it was. I was feeling rough but attributed it … Continue reading 
Very, very quiet around here today, ALl the kids are gone and I’m waiting for BOb to come home for lunch. I slept in until my PT appointment and got that done. Called in to refill my meds and have to go pick them up soon. I should be doing something useful in the house but I’m not. All I want to do is go back to bed.
We had a really good weekend–we watched Captain America: Civil War at the theater and saw Red and Red 2 at home. We played a lot. WE ate out because BOb didn’t feel like grilling or homecooking But it was all good fun.
Guess I’ll go check email again. Or do laundry. We will see. Hope everyone has a great week,
Posted in Read Along
I am someone who has never belonged to a cycling club, who hardly ever – years can go by without it happening – goes cycling with anyone else. Not a groups kinda guy when it comes to turning the pedals, clearly. A cycling club for people with have mental health problems? Well, there’s an idea whose time, it appears, has yet to come if my 5 minute internet search is anything to go by.
But when it comes to mental health recovery, it’s a different matter. Groups have played a pivotal role in my recovery. Peer support groups, that is. The first peer – led support group that I ever went to was in Westminster, central London. It was a 100 mile round trip (by train). Although so fragile was I back then – 2001 – that it pretty much felt like I did the trip on my bike.
What did I find there? A group of strangers from all walks of life, and all stages of recovery. We would go round the group and introduce ourselves. There were a disproportionate number of civil servants, I recall. But seeing that it was near the seat of government, that wasn’t such a surprise, I guess. The group facilitator – a peer, of course – was a guy called Richard. What remember best about him was that he would wear shorts that were a size (or two) small for him. What do I remember from those weekly meetings? Practically nothing – except that a few of us would decamp afterwards to a local pub and do convincing impersonations of a group of friends without a single mental health problem between them. And that is what I took away from those meetings. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. No one judged, no one was ever rejected by the group, and those who made the meeting unsafe by overstepping the group guidelines were asked to leave. Actually, I only remember this happening with one person. He was a regular and he used to bring a half finished bottle of spirits into the meeting in a brown paper bag. He always took it well, left, only to return the following week, paper bag in hand and leave when Richard asked him to.
I attended that group for at least a year, using my annual season ticket (I was running a mental health day centre in north London) when I was first diagnosed with depression.
But that wasn’t the only peer support group I was involved with. I became a member of the leading U.K. charity Depression Alliance (www.depressionalliance.org) and became a member of their online support group. It helped me to keep a foothold in the world when days would go by without me leaving the house, or feed the cat. Days when (my wife was a way on business) a friend would pick up the children and take them to school because I didn’t even have that in me.
Since then I have attended peer support groups for depression – facilitated a Depression Alliance one in my home town for a year. Since my proper diagnosis (Manic Depression) I attend the local monthly peer – led group.
Although I am open about my mental health, and my openness has been met with good responses, I still cringe at those who express their admiration at the way I am prepared to talk about it. When I do choose to talk about my mental health publicly, on civvy street, I talk like it’s cancer. Remember when that was a taboo subject?
Let a Place be Made
Let a place be made for the one who draws near,
the one who is deprived of any home,
tempted by the sound of a lamp, by the lit
threshold of a solitary house.
And if he is still exhausted, full of anguish,
say again for him the words that heal.
What does his heart which once was silence need
if not those words which are both sigh and prayer,
like a fire caught sight of in the sudden night,
like the table glimpsed in a poor house?
Yves Bonnefoy (1923 – )
This week I’m doing things a little differently. I’m doing a throwback every day this week. This is the first post of a five part series originally posted in March 2014 regarding the ten days I was in lockdown. I felt the need to post again. I had six months of sobriety and was frustrated. […]
The post Ten Days in Lockdown – Throwback appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.
Posted in Read Along
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