Daily Archives: May 12, 2016

Suffering for a Good Cause

Last fall Hoxworth held a blood drive at the hospital where I work.  It was my first time donating blood and although I was extremely anxious it went smoothly.  In fact, I was told I may have set a record for how fast the process was done.  In January they were back, but I missed […]

Do You Wanna Know A Secret?

Ready. Set. Sail! Notice I didn’t ask you if you wanted to build a Goddamn snowman!! Those of you cringing know what I’m referencing! If you don’t, you’ve been living under a rock the past few years and have therefore retained significantly more brain cells that most of us. Also, Donald Trump is the Republican… More Do You Wanna Know A Secret?

Busy, Busy

So today has been the polar opposite of yesterday. I went and worked in the food pantry this morning, left early to meet Jo for lunch to thank her for participating in my article, then went to the grocery store, then finally did Bob’s laundry I’ve been puotting off.  SO that was good.  Getting ready to cook dinner.

SO in all my busyness today I have felt well–not manic or depressed.  So that is a plus.  I feel like I’m on an even keel and ready for the summer.  The past few years I haven’t; been, but I think we can make this summer great.  At least I’m  hoping to.

GOtta run cook dinner.   Here’s to everyone ending the week on a good note tomorrow!


Bumbling Along

*checks date of last post* Whups, it’s been a month. Oh well.

At least that month has been a goodish one, at least mood-wise. It took a bit for my body to adjust back to extended release Seroquel — thank the stars I have an adequate stash of melatonin for those rough periods. I’m not getting to sleep in my classic style; that’s where I start to drop off while reading. I just sort of roll over, close my eyes, and get to sleep fairly quickly. It’s pretty okay, and I’m not having fractured sleep, which is even better.

What I *have* been dealing with is super-fatigue, and a few physical injuries. For example, I managed to fuck up my right wrist spectacularly the week before last. I’d stood up while holding a sleeping Littlerbit, and my right leg had fallen asleep and gone out from under me. I managed to not chuck her across the room or wake her up, nor did I mess up my ankle. At least my right arm is my non-dominant, but it’s still been a long and painful period of limited function. It’s still a bit tender, but it’s not bothered by knitting, sewing, or typing, just picking up heavy clingy children. So of course… *chuckles ruefully*

There’s been one good thing going down the past month or so — I’ve managed to break through some of my executive dysfunction in minor ways and not be a complete lump around the house. For example, my husband doesn’t usually directly ask me to assist him because he appreciates that I’m kind of super-broken and using most of my resources to be vaguely pleasant and doing basic things. So I’ve surprised myself by catching myself responding to his statements about doing things with, ‘Can I help?’, or ‘I can do that’. I still can’t do much, and in a lot of ways there’s even less that I can do, but it makes me happy that I can better support my spouse (who honestly carries all of us on his back without complaint and it’s more than anyone should ever have to do).

And that’s about it, really. I’m alive, keeping my head down, but mainly doing alright. Hope you guys out there are doing as well as can be.


Mental Illness Is NOT An Excuse

I am unfocused today. More so than usual. My brain’s ping pong balls are all up in the air and bouncing off of stuff. The weather is cool and gloomy so my mood is low. I am jumpy, feeling almost like my skin is crawling off my bones with no trigger.

So far this morning I’ve had R nagging me about “if you want your car fixed, you need to come help me…”  I try to explain the lithium nausea and say later…He says it’s just me making excuses.

No. No, this shit is not an excuse. It’s an explanation. It’s insulting we even need to explain because even the most simple minded life form can grasp that one with a broken leg is not going to make good time in a marathon and that’s understandable. Depression? Forgetaboutit. No one cares or understands or even attempts to.

I am so sick of being accused of being lazy because my depression  has gotten so bad. Feeling this way sucks. I can’t be more succinct than that.

I am so over this friend thing. Over this car thing. I knew he was going to hold me hostage. His wife told me, no, he won’t do that. I know the man. He’s doing it, I said he would. And it feels like being in a stranglehold.

The catch 22 is…Even if I had the money to take it to a proper shop…They’d keep it for god knows how long and I gotta have a car, this is not the town for walking or cheap public transport. I mean, one would think in such event my dad could loan me one of their five vehicles but nope, doesn’t work that way in my family.

So here I am in a stranglehold. Resenting every minute of it, which is not surprisingly, making a difficult friendship feel even more difficult. And it wouldn’t matter if it was anyone other than R. I just don’t like people having something to hold over me and manipulate me with.

I don’t like the way I am feeling today. At all. No doubt pms is playing a role. I often wonder just how much my hormones have to do with my moods. It’s so strange that shrinks pay no mind to this crucial factor, yet everyone is fine with “pregnant woman are crazy with hormones.”  Imbalance is imbalance, fetus carrier or not.

So much suckage.

I hate derp-ression.

Trampolines & Jump Ropes & Green Tea – Oh My!

The girls are great role models for how to use the trampoline for fun & exercise. Malena the chicken was hanging out with them until she started decorating the trampoline with chicken poop.  (She wasn’t harmed in any way – she’s showered with more love than you can shake a stick at! She’s not destined for a … Continue reading Trampolines & Jump Ropes & Green Tea – Oh My!

Reblog – Simplified Blogging

Originally posted on Dream Big, Dream Often:
credit: John Atkinson/Wronghands1.com

Throwback To Tigger Mania

This weeks Throwback Thursday is from May 2008 I came up with a new term I’ll share with my pdoc. I now can be depressed, manic or “Tigger manic”. If I had a tail I would have been bouncing around the apartment yesterday. I’m surprised I was able to type yesterdays post, which I’m glad […]

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