My daughter had a family night at school because she finished four book logs. To say I dreaded the event is understatement of the freaking century. I let her have 5 friends over for two hours, then we both cleaned up and went to the event.
I was on auto pilot. I wasn’t looking forward but I was DETERMINED. For those who think determination means shit up against depression and panic…you are INCORRECT.
The ONLY good thing I can say is that at least this year, they divided people into color groups. Because the gym/cafeteria had reached max capacity. I sat on a bench by myself while my kid sat with her friends and even the spare chairs they had set up were taken. Yet I sat alone, two spots to each side of me. I guess wearing all black is some sort of sign that I have the cooties? Fuck ’em. I smelled good, I had on clean clothes, I wore make up and jewelry…I may be ostracized for being different but I laugh at them for being the same.
We had ice cream for pt 1. Kids got their faces painted for part 2. Go figure, mine wanted a Frozen character.
That is ALLEGEDLY Olaf. After the fact when I realized I could have had my face painted…There was a teenage kid painting and he was wearing a Texas Chainsaw Massacre t-shirt. Which hit me, whoa, he totally could have probably drawn a Jason Vorhees on my face!
It made me feel less skanky, at least. I wore a bullet earring, thinking, oh, shit, I will get tossed out for weapon imagery…But here’s this kid with the remake of Leatherface on his shirt. I am freaking mother of the year here!
My kid was irked with me for getting “too many” sprinkles on my vanilla ice cream when fact is, she doused in chocolate syrup, I did a dash of syrup and boucoup sprinkles…WhatEVS.
The program changed, because initially we were told a local musician “Robert” would be playing. Instead tonight we had a junior from the local public high school playing. Ya know what? I didn’t think his “set” was interesting to the kids as no current or relevant songs were included and the kids were all bored by piano music…I found him uber talented. And if a metalhead like me can find it entertaining…well, kids just have shit taste. I told my kid, “This is what real talent sounds like, NOT crap like Miley Cyrus.” Of course, my kid was bored but still. LISTEN.
Afterwards I even, in spite of the crowds and needing an exit NOW, I approached that high school kid and asked if he had a digital download on line of the original song he played. He did not, which disappointed me, because it was a beautiful instrumental. Very gifted kid.
Sadly, I think they could have had a barely talented chimpanzee playing “Let It Go” on the keyboard and the kids would have eaten it up.
I think I realized the other day when I bought my kid one of the Beethoven movies and she had no clue why the dog preferred classical music, especially Beethoven, and my daughter had zero idea who Beethoven was or why “music with no words” exist. Now, I have a couple of instrumentals I like but no, I am not big on classical music, at all. Maybe on this one the donor would be a better influence (only because he believes classical music makes kids smarter and a smart child makes him look good). I just believe you should follow what moves and touches you.
Anyway…it was daunting but I managed. Which, of course, means muggles will question why I can’t manage work…I think it boils down to…I missed many of my kid’s school activities. This one I got through. Bipolar depression is like that. In all fairness…We were supposed to bring a certain paper to expedite entry but I um…threw it away. I did the same thing last year because nowhere did it say “must present this to enter”. My kid was mortified, of course. I am apparently both a bad mom and a good mom.
When we were leaving there were kids on the playground and I told her no, you can’t play. She launched into a fit about how I am a meanie and never let her play. In spite of letting her friends (4 of them) be here for two and a half hours and feeding them…We got home and she started having a stomping and screaming fit. I took it out of her allowance. I was the meanest mom ever…Then she started loving on me…
Were I not bipolar and didn’t recognize mood flip flops…I’d probably believe my kid hates me and is beyond all redemption. I swear she’s ADHD. I try to go with the flow, correct the bad behavior, but NOT condemn her as being all bad. Been there, had it done to me, it’s bullshit. If your brain is off kilter, it makes absolute sense your behavior would be, too.
Naive mom? Delusional? Denial?
Don’t know, don’t care. I am busting my ass, and pushing my psychiatric boundaries, TRYING to be a good mom.
ME. No one else. Just ME, in all my flawed glory.
I may tap out on her tantrums and manipulations but I will NEVER tap out on trying to be a good mom, and trying harder to be a better mom.
Fact is…Our children are human. No matter what we teach them they will always make their own choice and sometimes it will be the wrong one.
The art of being a parent is to love unconditionally and not get hung up on “my child is a reflection of me, so they must be perfect”.
Being there for them is what matters,
Not that another parent noticed you hugging the wall and made a wisecrack about leaning on it because you’re lazy. Not that the fact is, you keep to walls because your paranoid mind and panic tell you to cling to walls…
Never mind the dysfunction, never mind being different.
Be there for your kid and hope for the best.
They end up making their own choices, anyway. All we can do is set an example and hope to influence.
If all else fails…get a Z whacker.