I truly believe I have the most amazing children on the planet. I am blessed not only to be their mother but to share their lives with them. My oldest daughter,Jessica, was 13 when we met. All spit fire and angry just like her Dad. All I wanted was for us to be a family together. But I quickly learned that that was easier said than done. She went back to live with her Mom about a year after we got married. From then until about 4 years ago she went in and out of our lives. Really it was no ones fault it was just the circumstances of everything. Through it all I loved and prayed for her all the time. She is one of my babies how could I not. We were talking when a divining moment happened in her young life when she was 17. It broke my heart to be two hours away from her and want to be there for her but not sure that I could or should. We have had talks about this event since and the depth of her caring not only for the other person involved but for their family and anyone else involved is amazing to me. People were not that nice to her. They didn’t protect her or take care of her the way they should have. I have vowed it will never be that way again. She will never walk through any part of life alone and scared again because my only concern is her and I will be there in a heartbeat. It’s coming up on the 9 year anniversary of this event and as with every other year she is still dealing with the aftermath. She wanted to help someone, to save someone, to change even one life. She holds my heart and she always will. I am so proud of her strength and dignity. I’m so proud that she allows me to be a part of her life and that of her boys. I’m thankful that I get to sit on the porch and talk with her or make plans and spend time just us. We have plans to get a semi colon tattoo together. We are each getting it a little different but we are going together. How many Moms get to say they get to do that with their daughters?? Anyway, she posted the following last night and it’s just too beautiful not to share.
Losing someone hurts. Losing someone to suicide hurts more. The unanswered questions, the what ifs and could I have done more. It changes a person forever and it breaks part of you that never heals. Everyone has struggles, everyone has bad days and sometimes people just have a crappy life and don’t know how to change it. I believe everyone has a purpose in life whether it’s a new born baby passing away, a child, teenager, adults and elders. You may not understand it then, but maybe that person was here to save someone or open their eyes to do big things and be an advocate for something. You never know how someone’s day is, you don’t know if what you say to them is going to make or break them. Be kind, you could be that smiling face that changes their mind on ending their life.
Suicide isn’t selfish. It took me a long time to be able to say that and believe it. People that come to that point most of the time have bigger problems than you could even imagine and they just don’t know how to process them or ask for help. If they ask for help someone will make fun of them or tell them to man up or blow it off. Sometimes they don’t necessarily mean for it to work and it’s a cry for help. I can say that now because you won’t convince me that an 8,9, or 10 year old really process what forever means when they attempt it. There are really ones that young trying it! It hurts. It hurts to see and hear that and feel so helpless.
I couldn’t help. I tried, I did all the things I knew to do and it was still too late. Parents lost a son, a girl lost her brother, a beautiful baby lost her dad, and some guys and girls lost a great friend! I live with regret every single day. I was 17 years old, still a kid. It broke me, I went through a really rough patch after that and didn’t know if I’d come through it and honestly part of me didn’t want to. I didn’t want to feel the hurt anymore. I was tired of carrying that pain. It was a small town, I had supporters but I also had many that hated me. Everyone wants to blame someone, but you can’t. Even if someone reaches out to you for help and it doesn’t work, it’s not your fault. It’s a choice that was probably already made before you was contacted.
Please be kind. Smile. Say hi. Pay it forward. Be a good person. Life is too short, everything can be taken away in the blink of an eye. Think about the last words you had with someone, if they weren’t here tomorrow, would you carry guilt? If so fix it, don’t live your life wondering.
That is what she wrote. The link below is to the song she sang with it. It’s beautiful! Just like she is!!
