As much as I love my boyfriend, I don’t think he gets one pretty vital part of me. I was really traumatized during my marriage by my ex-husbands love affair (I call it that because it was) with internet porn. He watched daily for hours on end not caring that it left me feeling unattractive, not feminine enough, not as much of a woman as I should have been, etc. His addiction left me feeling very vulnerable about how I looked. I am not considered an ugly woman, but his constant consumption left me with raw and open sores in that department.
What my boyfriend doesn’t get (and this was demonstrated last night) is that if he initiates a conversation about some actress or model that is paid to be a sex symbol, and starts going on about how he has this one picture of whoever in lingerie, it just gets him going. This turns me off to no end. You can literally forget having intimate relations with me at this point as I am now feeling all those lovely feelings of insecurity left by my ex-husband. Why would I want to be intimate with a man who is singing the praises of another woman who is paid to look good; looking good to men and inspiring women to look more like them is what they do. Normal, everyday women typically do not have professional make-up artists, personal trainers, and the like. Most of us are lucky if we get some makeup on our faces, and the bare minimum of exercise. Many of us “normal” women are what they call “plus-size” which really offends me. I am 5’10” tall, and have the larger frame that goes along with it. Not to mention, my medications make it very hard to maintain my weight.
So, I said all that to say this: If you are a man, and you have an attractive female, don’t ruin it by talking about women who earn their living by looking good. In my case, if it keeps up, there is going to be a long conversation about spousal emotional abuse that isn’t obvious. The type of abuse and humiliation that I endured (like a dumb ass) at the hands of my ex has left me scarred and hesitant and incredibly sensitive about how I look, and whether I am truly feminine. The line of thinking goes something like this: If I were better looking, wore skimpy clothing, acted like a whore on steroids, and a whole host of other delusional thoughts, then my ex wouldn’t be watching porn 24/7. Of course, I realize it’s an addiction, but even that understanding doesn’t “fix” the damage. So, guys, if you have a good woman (even if she isn’t the paid to be the perfect type), treasure her, and make her feel loved and sexually attractive to you. And, the same goes for women.
Filed under: “normal”?, acceptance, beauty, being okay with one’s self, relationships Tagged: Beauty, Emotional Abuse, Humiliation, insecurity