Daily Archives: April 13, 2016


I have had a sudden rush of not specifically bipolar symptoms pop back into my life suddenly. My restless leg syndrome has become unbearable. And I have had sleep paralysis a half dozen times in the last couple of weeks, which simply makes it terrifying to fall asleep. But most importantly my anxiety is way […]


I have had a sudden rush of not specifically bipolar symptoms pop back into my life suddenly. My restless leg syndrome has become unbearable. And I have had sleep paralysis a half dozen times in the last couple of weeks, which simply makes it terrifying to fall asleep. But most importantly my anxiety is way […]


I have had a sudden rush of not specifically bipolar symptoms pop back into my life suddenly. My restless leg syndrome has become unbearable. And I have had sleep paralysis a half dozen times in the last couple of weeks, which simply makes it terrifying to fall asleep. But most importantly my anxiety is way […]

Bipolar Question

I would love honest responses to this post if you are willing. I promise I won’t hate you or be mad at you. I enjoy hearing what others think and their perspective ven if I don’t agree. 
Isn’t it hard sometimes to determine what comes from the disorder and what comes from just living. I think sometimes we start to see normal thoughts and reactions as part of the disorder when they really aren’t. Like somebody does you wrong and you get mad and upset. Then you say wow I have so much anxiety my bipolar is kicking in. When really you have every right to be mad and upset bipolar or not. When did we decide sticking up for ourselves and not letting others get away with excuses for lie become a bad thing?? 
Anyone else have thoughts??

Conversation with a Bag of Fortune Cookies

C'mon cookies; enlighten me! I need direction. I've got a whole bag, and I'm not afraid to use them.

Myths To Live By (book spine poem)

The NaPoWriMo prompt for Day 10 -- write a “book spine” poem. NaPoWriMo prompt for Day 10 -- write a “book spine” poem. It was tougher than I expected, and you can see I have, um, eclectic taste in reading!

My Guest Post – Manic Adventures

Thank you to Bradley of Insights From A Bipolar Bear for allowing me to guest-post on his site!  I hope you head over there to check it out!  It’s a doosy!  Power-packed with honesty, and, uh, SEX!  Lots & lots of SEX!  Happy Hump Day, friends!

Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Mania Tagged: Bipolar, Blogging, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Better Days

better days

So things are going quite a bit better. I’m not going to win the”valuable life” award, but things are definitely going in the right direction.

I attribute the improvement to the new med, Rexulti. It has lifted my depression. I now have no depression as I judge it. Great news. I’m certainly not hypo-manic or high at all but I am doing well.

My husband and I both caught a nasty cold this past week from our youngest. It came with body aches, headaches, a croupy cough, congestion, and lots of sneezing. I spent a couple of day on the couch moaning. But so did my husband (we have two couches), so I didn’t feel too guilty.

I think it’s common for bipolar people to get extra down when they get physically sick. It sort of throws off your balance.

The Rexulti has come with a small price. That is a higher anxiety level. The Klonopin is amazing. If I stay on it, I feel very normal. If I skip it, all hell breaks loose. I get scared of everything. I am going to ask my doc next week about Buspar or gabapentin as an alternative to the benzos.

So a little review of my week: last Monday (week before this one), my husband and son had an appointment at college to sign up for fall. Danny is now one year away from the big degree. He is doing great with his grades…all A’s and B’s. The advisor gave Danny a big list of things he has to do….such as getting permission to take certain classes. This will be like pulling teeth.

I know a lot of you may think we “over supervise” Danny. But honestly, this kid would probably be on drugs if we weren’t supporting him so much through his life right now. He’s just a special needy kid.

There were no summer classes for him to take, so he is needing to get a summer job. He says he wants to work in a grocery store. So of course, when I was there yesterday, I checked to see if they needed help. Turns out they do, so I told him to get over there. No action so far. If I survive this kid, I will be lucky.

I’ve started back to my bipolar support group. I’ve been there two weeks in a row. They make us rank our feelings on a 1-10 scale every time. I said I was a “5” yesterday. Not good, not bad. Some of the people are 9’s or 10’s, so I think I can learn something and get my mood up. Of course, there was a guy who was a “1” and a couple of 2’s and 3’s. Anyway, for right now, it is a good thing.

I finished my last quilt top and got it ready to be mailed off for machine quilting. I cut up some new fabric for the next quilt. It will be a really pretty sapphire blue and white.

I wasn’t feeling too good with the cold, so I called in to talk to my therapist. I went over my guilt as to some of the things I did while manic. A lot of this stuff (but not all) happened like 30 years ago. She says it is time to move on (no kidding).

I met with my devotional partner on the phone. She has a lot on her plate (a sick husband) so it made me appreciate my own situation.

Friday was Danny’s 22nd birthday. We always give the kids money and let them pick their dinner and a dessert. He picked donuts from a special store far away and wanted to go out for pizza. Well, both his dad and I were sicker than dogs. My kind daughter agreed to go get the donuts and we wound up taking out the pizza. He also wanted new shoes, so I handed him the cash and told him to go get them. At 22, he still acts thirteen. Our fault, but it beats some of the alternatives.

Saturday I took a shower. I had been less than faithful to the shower since I had been sick.

Now some really better news…..you all know I’ve had some driving and riding anxiety. But yesterday, my husband was so sick he could not get to the grocery for us. So I did it. I drove over and shopped and went to McDonald’s to pick up a Diet Coke. I was scared like crap to go to the grocery. I haven’t been alone for probably a year. I’m not kidding.

I dropped some fresh green beans on the floor there but picked them up. I don’t think anybody noticed. My hands were sure shaking. I found everything and went to check out. I was a little behind the times with the part about sliding your chip in on the credit card. But I did it.

I also drove (quite a ways) to my bipolar group yesterday. My husband went with me, but I did it. I think I could get there on my own.

Guys out here…this might be TMI but I also managed to pluck my eyebrows. With shaky hands, this is quite a feat.

After I came home from the grocery, I told a friend and had tears running down my face. I was just so relieved I had done it.

So far today, I have gotten chicken pesto with bacon in the crock pot and have done my devotionals. I need to make a green bean salad later today.

I have also lost five pounds.

So you can see things are going much better. Not a miraculous improvement, but definitely on the upswing.

Let’s hope it is as good next week. I’d like to get out a little more, but whatever is good as long as the depression is lifted.

love to you all and hope you are well-


Clearly Clicking Ahead

Three weeks ago, it was Entirely Too Soon to tell you all just how much better it seemed that life was getting.  Now that I have had three weeks of relative (gasp!) happiness, steadiness of mood, positive feelings, and lack of severe depression, I am here to confirm that I am quite giddily at a (fairly) solid, maybe slightly elevated baseline.  After over a year of soul crushing depression that never let up for longer than a day during that period, what I feel most is sweet relief.  Over the past year, I was fairly positive that I was never going to ever, ever, ever experience a “happy day” ever again.  Thankfully, I was wrong.


I feel clear-minded, I feel optimistic, I feel like issues can be worked on, I feel like my toolbox is full, I feel as if I have great love in my life.  I feel so good that I worry my mood is getting too elevated.  This feels a lot like hypomania, building into mania, but I would really like to believe that it’s just good, solid, level, positive feelings.  Bipolar disorder is cruel in that it makes a person unable to trust their own feelings, their emotions, their behaviors.

So, I choose to believe this is happiness.  I choose to believe that a combination of a happy home with LarBear and satisfaction with learning new things and the addition of quite a bit of mental health groups and programs has resulted in a happy Rosa.  It doesn’t hurt that it is Spring, and the weather has been beautiful.  It doesn’t hurt that I have finally crossed the line from willfulness to willingness, and that I am really and truly being honest with myself about my feelings and thoughts.

I have been keeping very busy, between DBT and individual therapy (both talk and art) and art groups and the newest addition, a peer mentor.  My mental health maintenance and my art are now primarily my “job.”  And really, I am working on it all several hours each day, but not so much that I am getting burned out and not so little that I am just sitting around wasting time.

I find that, the more time I can spend being creative and creating things, the happier I am.  For the last several months, it has been jewelry, and more recently, I have moved into papercrafting.  I find that I love learning new techniques and skills, and I find that I am quite good at working with my hands, which surprises me to no end.

I feel that, to make the creativity complete, I need to get back to writing regularly, even if it’s just a 300-word essay on the blog.  I miss it, and I miss the connections I make with other bloggers.  So, I’ll try once again and write semi-regularly.  That’s all I can do, is try.

My main goal, or the goal overall, is to not wallow in my misery.  That is easy to say when not depressed, but super terribly hard when in the depths.  For as long as I can, though, I am going to face any issues head-on, I am going to be effective, and I am going to use every skill I have to keep my mood relatively stable.

This happiness thing, whether it be hypomania on the road to mania or just true happiness, is something worth working for, something worth putting all of the eggs into the basket for.  To have felt the lowest of lows for so long, and to now feel like life is worth living and that the world around is so amazing and beautiful, yeah, I want to hang onto that.




Filed under: Life Worth Living Tagged: anxiety, Bipolar, crafts, create, creativity, DBT, depression, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, effectiveness, happiness, joy, love, mental health recovery, PTSD, recovery, relationships, stability

Manic Adventures

I read a lot of blogs. A whole lot. In fact, I subscribe to over 120 of them. Of course, it’s not possible to read all of them every day, but I do have my go-to’s that I never miss if at all possible. Today’s guest blogger writes one of my must-reads. I never miss […]

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