Daily Archives: April 10, 2016

Westward Ho! Day 15

Kansas City, KS (7:30 AM) to Marshalltown, IA (11:45 AM). 252 miles.
Notables: Total Miles Traveled: 5031.

A short day on the road.  Honestly, I should have planned more of those, but oh well.   Live and Learn.

adultorientalcockroachIt was a frantic start as prehistoric-sized cockroaches scuttled out of the way when I turned on the bathroom light. Okay, I thought, no shower today.

I saw another one—doberman-sized—in the “living room.”  And when I shook out my robe, his bigger brother fell out.

Now, I’m not an insect weenie, generally.  I either squish bugs or catch and release to the outside.  But, this was sort of the Last Straw on my Exhausted Camel’s back.  I packed up in record time (checking to make sure I had no hitchhikers) and got the hell out of Dodge.  Or Kansas City, as it were.

Once I was on the road, I texted my host, said it was too bad we didn’t actually meet (he’d brought someone home with him last night.  You know bachelors.  I didn’t think it was cool to stick my head up from the basement to say hi), and why I bugged out so fast.

In all fairness, he apologized sweetly and gave me a partial refund (Okay, I did sleep in the bed, but really?).

Me&CorvusIn no time, I found myself back in familiar territory.  I stopped at my gas station, took a small token of thanks to The Cat Whisperer, put my valiant Corvus through the car wash, and went home to my boys.

And, of course, there’s a notice on my door that Radar, the bedbug sniffing hound, will be here tomorrow.  Sigh.  There’s no rest for the bug-conscious.

Home HenryBack to Real Life tonight—Chinese take-out, a movie, and purring cats.

It’s good to be home.


Westward Ho! Day 15

Kansas City, KS (7:30 AM) to Marshalltown, IA (11:45 AM). 252 miles.
Notables: Total Miles Traveled: 5031.

A short day on the road.  Honestly, I should have planned more of those, but oh well.   Live and Learn.

adultorientalcockroachIt was a frantic start as prehistoric-sized cockroaches scuttled out of the way when I turned on the bathroom light. Okay, I thought, no shower today.

I saw another one—doberman-sized—in the “living room.”  And when I shook out my robe, his bigger brother fell out.

Now, I’m not an insect weenie, generally.  I either squish bugs or catch and release to the outside.  But, this was sort of the Last Straw on my Exhausted Camel’s back.  I packed up in record time (checking to make sure I had no hitchhikers) and got the hell out of Dodge.  Or Kansas City, as it were.

Once I was on the road, I texted my host, said it was too bad we didn’t actually meet (he’d brought someone home with him last night.  You know bachelors.  I didn’t think it was cool to stick my head up from the basement to say hi), and why I bugged out so fast.

In all fairness, he apologized sweetly and gave me a partial refund (Okay, I did sleep in the bed, but really?).

Me&CorvusIn no time, I found myself back in familiar territory.  I stopped at my gas station, took a small token of thanks to The Cat Whisperer, put my valiant Corvus through the car wash, and went home to my boys.

And, of course, there’s a notice on my door that Radar, the bedbug sniffing hound, will be here tomorrow.  Sigh.  There’s no rest for the bug-conscious.

Home HenryBack to Real Life tonight—Chinese take-out, a movie, and purring cats.

It’s good to be home.


Westward Ho! Day 15

Kansas City, KS (7:30 AM) to Marshalltown, IA (11:45 AM). 252 miles.
Notables: Total Miles Traveled: 5031.

A short day on the road.  Honestly, I should have planned more of those, but oh well.   Live and Learn.

adultorientalcockroachIt was a frantic start as prehistoric-sized cockroaches scuttled out of the way when I turned on the bathroom light. Okay, I thought, no shower today.

I saw another one—doberman-sized—in the “living room.”  And when I shook out my robe, his bigger brother fell out.

Now, I’m not an insect weenie, generally.  I either squish bugs or catch and release to the outside.  But, this was sort of the Last Straw on my Exhausted Camel’s back.  I packed up in record time (checking to make sure I had no hitchhikers) and got the hell out of Dodge.  Or Kansas City, as it were.

Once I was on the road, I texted my host, said it was too bad we didn’t actually meet (he’d brought someone home with him last night.  You know bachelors.  I didn’t think it was cool to stick my head up from the basement to say hi), and why I bugged out so fast.

In all fairness, he apologized sweetly and gave me a full refund.  That took some of the gross out.

Me&CorvusIn no time, I found myself back in familiar territory.  I stopped at my gas station, took a small token of thanks to The Cat Whisperer, put my valiant Corvus through the car wash, and went home to my boys.

And, of course, there’s a notice on my door that Radar, the bedbug sniffing hound, will be here tomorrow.  Sigh.  There’s no rest for the bug-conscious.

Home HenryBack to Real Life tonight—Chinese take-out, a movie, and purring cats.

It’s good to be home.


Less Than

Today I am less than depressed. Not happy but not as down as I have been either. So I guess it’s a tiny win.

Today I will be going out for the first time in at least a week because I have to pick up my Latuda. I really need to talk to my shrink about increasing the dosage. It might help the repeat cycles of depression that seem to be getting closer and closer together again. It makes it so hard to live a normal life.

Today I actually did some cleaning and sat through a whole movie. Which if anyone knows what depression is like makes these rare positive things. Hopefully this means my cycle is swinging the right way for a change!

Bipolars, Rollercoasters, and Sex

The rollercoaster is the most common metaphor for bipolar disorder. But is it really the best one?

Wooden RollercoasterAfter all, a rollercoaster has long, abrupt downward swoops, and anticipatory highs. (At least the ones I’m familiar with. I won’t go on the ones that turn you completely upside-down.) But rollercoaster highs crank slowly, grindingly up. Mania isn’t like that. Boom! You’re suddenly at the top.

Nor are rollercoaster lows like the lows of depression. If they were, the downward slide would not be the exhilharating, thrilling part of the ride, and would not immediately be followed by another high. Instead the rollercoaster would plod along through a lengthy trough, or maybe a tunnel (though not of love), with no idea of when the next up would come.

Perhaps a seesaw is a better metaphor. Its ups and downs are quick, and you can stay stuck in either position for an undetermined length of time. And a seesaw is all about balance.

But no. A seesaw requires a second person to operate correctly, and that is certainly not the experience of a bipolar person. Our brain chemistry alone is enough to get us going up and down.

A pogo stick? The spring gets squashed and then rebounds. But it’s a rhythmic bounce, not one that you don’t see coming until you’re in it. (If then.)

The basic problem with most of the usual metaphors is that they involve fun at some level. Bipolar is not fun. Oh, the mania my be enjoyable – for a time. But the gut-wrenching drop does not make you go whee!

So how about a soufflé? It can rise or fall, and you never quite know which it’s going to do.

Or a computer? It can open up the world, but is going to crash sometime, inevitably when you most need it to work.

I suppose we could split it up. Mania is a fountain and depression is a ditch. Depression is a b&w rabbit-ear TV and mania is cable with 1000 channels. Mania is a battery and depression is a dead battery.

The root of the problem is that no metaphor can adequately explain bipolar disorder. Even Spoon Theory, useful as it is, explains only the effects, not how the disorder itself works and feels. A metaphor may capture one half of the experience – the ups or the downs – but not the reality of both.

If it’s not possible to explain bipolar disorder with a metaphor, why do we so often try to? Because, really, only people with bipolar know what it is like, and the experience even differs from person to person. A psychologist or psychiatrist may understand the mechanisms and the biochemistry and the complications and the medications. But she or he is essentially watching from the outside.

My husband didn’t really “get” depression until he fell into depression himself that lasted a couple of weeks. “Now,” I said, “try to imagine that feeling lasting for months.” He couldn’t, but at least he was closer to understanding.

My mother-in-law, who doesn’t “believe in” mental illness, now has a clue too, since she experienced a profound reactive depression.

Neither of them really “gets” mania.

Maybe the best metaphor is that bipolar disorder is like sex. You can’t adequately explain it to someone who’s never had it. And even when you’ve had either sex or bipolar disorder, you only know what it’s like for you. You can generalize your experience and share commonalities, but basically, every case of bipolar is something a person goes through alone, or maybe alone together, as Jenny Lawson says.

Bipolar disorder.

It is what it is.


Filed under: Mental Health Tagged: bipolar disorder, depression, husband, mania, mental health, mental illness, metaphors, my experiences

Bipolars, Rollercoasters, and Sex

The rollercoaster is the most common metaphor for bipolar disorder. But is it really the best one?

Wooden RollercoasterAfter all, a rollercoaster has long, abrupt downward swoops, and anticipatory highs. (At least the ones I’m familiar with. I won’t go on the ones that turn you completely upside-down.) But rollercoaster highs crank slowly, grindingly up. Mania isn’t like that. Boom! You’re suddenly at the top.

Nor are rollercoaster lows like the lows of depression. If they were, the downward slide would not be the exhilharating, thrilling part of the ride, and would not immediately be followed by another high. Instead the rollercoaster would plod along through a lengthy trough, or maybe a tunnel (though not of love), with no idea of when the next up would come.

Perhaps a seesaw is a better metaphor. Its ups and downs are quick, and you can stay stuck in either position for an undetermined length of time. And a seesaw is all about balance.

But no. A seesaw requires a second person to operate correctly, and that is certainly not the experience of a bipolar person. Our brain chemistry alone is enough to get us going up and down.

A pogo stick? The spring gets squashed and then rebounds. But it’s a rhythmic bounce, not one that you don’t see coming until you’re in it. (If then.)

The basic problem with most of the usual metaphors is that they involve fun at some level. Bipolar is not fun. Oh, the mania my be enjoyable – for a time. But the gut-wrenching drop does not make you go whee!

So how about a soufflé? It can rise or fall, and you never quite know which it’s going to do.

Or a computer? It can open up the world, but is going to crash sometime, inevitably when you most need it to work.

I suppose we could split it up. Mania is a fountain and depression is a ditch. Depression is a b&w rabbit-ear TV and mania is cable with 1000 channels. Mania is a battery and depression is a dead battery.

The root of the problem is that no metaphor can adequately explain bipolar disorder. Even Spoon Theory, useful as it is, explains only the effects, not how the disorder itself works and feels. A metaphor may capture one half of the experience – the ups or the downs – but not the reality of both.

If it’s not possible to explain bipolar disorder with a metaphor, why do we so often try to? Because, really, only people with bipolar know what it is like, and the experience even differs from person to person. A psychologist or psychiatrist may understand the mechanisms and the biochemistry and the complications and the medications. But she or he is essentially watching from the outside.

My husband didn’t really “get” depression until he fell into depression himself that lasted a couple of weeks. “Now,” I said, “try to imagine that feeling lasting for months.” He couldn’t, but at least he was closer to understanding.

My mother-in-law, who doesn’t “believe in” mental illness, now has a clue too, since she experienced a profound reactive depression.

Neither of them really “gets” mania.

Maybe the best metaphor is that bipolar disorder is like sex. You can’t adequately explain it to someone who’s never had it. And even when you’ve had either sex or bipolar disorder, you only know what it’s like for you. You can generalize your experience and share commonalities, but basically, every case of bipolar is something a person goes through alone, or maybe alone together, as Jenny Lawson says.

Bipolar disorder.

It is what it is.


Filed under: Mental Health Tagged: bipolar disorder, depression, husband, mania, mental health, mental illness, metaphors, my experiences

Same Town, Different Wheels

Blue sky wheeling

Blue sky wheeling: Doncaster 2016

In my last post, I wrote about how the sound of my own wheels drove me (kinda) crazy. My recovery – I know this is a controversial word in some circles, but damn it I’m using it anyway – is ongoing, including and most annoyingly regular nightmares, which would be dull if they weren’t so blooming scary.

Meanwhile, Doncaster and S Yorkshire have kept on listening to the sounds of their own bicycle wheels, including and especially the upcoming cycle race  known as the “Tour de Yorkshire“.

As a non sporty person, one my favourite things about this upcoming (29 April – 1 May) race is spotting the yellow bicycles which are the symbol of the event. Sometimes, I just love this town, and its residents.

Case in point:

"We're cycling in the air ..."

“We’re cycling in the air …” : Waterdale, Doncaster

Sorry it’s not a better photo, I was trying not to include my own reflection in the picture.

Of course, no article about a cycling event is complete without the words of the Divine Freddie. I for one am proud to “make the rocking world go round“.

Meanwhile, I just can’t get enough of those yellow – or indeed other – cycles, too. Here’s another one from the display in the local shopping centre, the Frenchgate (if you’re below the age of 50) or Arndale (if you remember when Paul McCartney was in Wings (1):

Not sure why this cycle is white: perhaps they ran out of yellow paint?

Not sure why this cycle is white: perhaps they ran out of yellow paint?

Back for the moment to the subject of recovery, I recently told a friend that the list of things that indicate that I’m becoming (comparatively) well after a period of illness  include making a pot of tea with leaves, and using a toast rack again:

Robin mug with favourite toast rack

Robin mug with favourite toast rack

Cue my favourite song about Toast

Yeah, I didn’t have to include links to so many music videos (2), but it does tie into the subject of recovery. When I’m unwell, I can’t be bothered to do anything, let alone play about with Youtube. Now, though, I’m listening to it again, not just for songs from my largely wasted youth, but also hunting for favourite moments from Doctor Who. Current favourite? This fan mashup from the brilliant Christmas special of 2015, featuring the touching conclusion to the River Song / Doctor story. (3)

Taking photos is also a good indicator that I’m coming out of the mire of anxiety and/or depression. This is another one from the local shopping centre:

Cycle shack!

Cycle shack!

I read recently that Londoners, during the Blitz, changed the usual greeting from “Good night” to “Good night and good luck”, as they didn’t know if they would make it through the night.

Here’s to whatever gets you through the day, and the nighttime, too.

A cuppa and a biscuit

A cuppa and a biscuit

(1) One of the few pop songs from my childhood which seems to have been played more in the US than the UK, judging from how I’ve never seen this on a 70s music retrospective since I’ve moved to the UK
(2) Yeah, I still call them videos. It’s because I’m old.
(3) A programme which manages to change from screwball comedy, to a touching, adult love story.

Tagged: art, bicycles, bikes, cycles, cycling, Doctor Who, Doncaster, mental health, photography, recovery, River Song, sports, Streetband, toast, toast racks, Tour de Yorkshire, Wings, Yorkshire

What if I treated my mental health like my physical health?

Hello my mad lovelies. It has been over a month since my last post and I apologize for that. I just really didn’t have the motivation to write anything, but I’m here now and that has to count for something. Right?! By now I’m sure most of you have heard the line: “What if we […]

What if I treated my mental health like my physical health?

Hello my mad lovelies. It has been over a month since my last post and I apologize for that. I just really didn’t have the motivation to write anything, but I’m here now and that has to count for something. Right?! By now I’m sure most of you have heard the line: “What if we […]

My Super Power!

At my core, this is me. I have always gone for the worst case scenario hook, line, and sinker. While I have made tons of progress in reaching for the positive, there is still that little voice inside me that … Continue reading