Daily Archives: March 21, 2016

Update on Jezebel The Car

Check out my updated page

Wanna see what three hundred dollars and change looks like?

0319161147-00car ins

And voila…Jezebel is road legal.

boo and jezI HATE this car.

Of course, I have hated EVERY car I’ve ever driven that was made after 1989. It’s a me thing. Once R puts my old stereo in, it will drown out the desperately-needs-replaced-before-I-get-a-toxic-exhaust-ticket-system…Yes, she is loud. I am noise sensitive, too, so….

Apparently there’s a slew of asinine other problems that need to be dealt with. (Pfft, I fixed the first important one by putting a glass ash tray in there.)  Seriously, it has a lifter problem, the exhaust, body damage, one window won’t go down so that has to be fixed…Still…not bad for a two hundred dollar car.

Which is why I am keeping the campaign UP . My father reminded me again that I owe him that money, which combined with everything else…GRRR. If you can pass the link around on social media, reblog it…Seriously, how hard is it to click? It’s not like I am begging for money for meth and a big screen plasma TV. Plus, I show the end results and receipts to prove I am not a scammer or whiner living in  luxury. It’s a fund raiser. Voluntary. So…if you can work up the energy…click reblog, share, whatever it is social media users do.

Thank you and pegacorn bless you all.


Bipolar Thoughts – Pretending to be What We Are 2016-03-21 22:30:37

I’ve mentioned multiple times before the bipolar is treated with CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy (although I do have a posting about the use of other types of therapy including ACT, but this is very new and virtually unproven). And what my therapy consists of is basically CBT. There is a little model that you can […]


And have been all morning!  I didn’t go back to sleep after everyone left this morning for the first time in I don’t know how long. I’ve been awake and working on school stuff all morning, doing my reading and responding to different posts and doing laundry and successfully grocery shopping.  I feel so good right now.  I know God is with me and healing me–I prayed a really strange prayer last night and I’m not sure what led me to it. I said, “God, if you want me to sleep in the mornings, I’ll sleep and if you want me awake, I’ll be awake”.  And I think today was my answer.  At least for today.

I read a really profound essay this weekend called “Scrambled Eggs”.  It’s about a woman with a traumatic brain injury and how she struggles to maintain her day to day life.  I could so identify with her.  It was scary. She wrote a line that describes what it’s like to live with a brain disorder of any kind–  “going down the highway of life with three tires on four wheels”. She illustrated her life be describing what it was like to try to cook a meal in her current state.  I really did think she did a good job showing the limitations she lives under in trying to go about her life. I just want to keep improving on the Abilify and my other meds and try to get back into remission like I was.  I hope I can live under God’s grace in that.

Gloomy Sunday and Mirthful Monday


What is it about Sunday evenings that are so freaking depressing? This is a totally rhetorical question, mind — it’s just my brain being stupid for stupid’s sake. Monday is my day off, insomuch that I’m still caring for the smallest, but I don’t do my for-pay work. And being housebound as I am, it’s not like I have to blow spoons on dressing or excessive grooming. *stabs brain with Q-Tip and mutters*


As the subject suggests, today has been randomly amusing. My husband went to the doctor’s office after dropping our eldest off at school to inquire about my Seroquel XR prescription. He managed to get in with the doctor between his appointments (Dr. N), and Dr. N confirmed that yes, there was nothing wrong with the extended release, and I could have it… if the letter from Dr. K came through. That was encouraging, though annoying — in the past we’d been able to go straight to Dr. N to make sure it was extended release after Dr. K’s predecessor almost never remembered to send the prescription update as extended release. Still, it was a fairly quick call to the hospital (thanks again, best-husband), and assurance from Dr. K’s secretary that she was going to get it sorted out asap.

So imagine my bemusement when the phone rang this afternoon. It listed the caller as ‘withheld’ which pretty much always means that it’s someone NHS. I picked it up to hear Dr. K inquire, ‘Doctor surgery?’. She quickly realised it was me, apologised for calling, and told me that she was trying to call Dr. N to confab on getting the prescription properly prescribed. No worries, I gave her the surgery’s number, and returned to what I was doing.

Then the phone rang again. ‘Doctor surgery?’, she inquired again. I had a rather good belly laugh while she scrambled to apologise. I was polite and friendly about it, expressing that I was not bothered and that I knew she was very busy today. So it was nice to have a little chuckle, and to know that hey, my people are working for me!

I was relaying this to best-husband when he’d gotten home from work between other things we were doing… when the phone rang again. This time it was the surgery trying to call Dr. K back. I didn’t have to deal with the phone this time, but I definitely had some tittery giggly wossits in response. Best-husband commented he was glad I’d told him the story of earlier so he understood what was happening when he answered the phone! I hope that they finally managed to cross paths, and as said — glad to know that they’re working for me.


I did have one minor regret after all this went down — I didn’t talk to Dr. K about the efficacy of medications. I’m still dealing with depression, but I’m also feeling more stable? That isn’t a surprise, since Seroquel has always worked well as a mood stabiliser for me. It crushes the range of feelings into something mainly more manageable, it pretty much destroys the rapid cycling… but depression is. I think it’s pretty common for folks with Bipolar II to have really severe depression that meds don’t touch as much as we’d like them to. If I had thought about it, I would have asked her to consider tacking on another 50mg to my Zoloft, but it might be ideal to wait until I see her next month, just to make very sure that the Seroquel is doing what it’s doing.  It’s all a step in the right direction either way.

Anyhoos, hope y’all are well. As for me, back to my knitting!


Weekly Wrap-Up March 21, 2016

This past week was mediocre in all areas. Mood was okay, Weight/Fitness was okay and writing was just okay. Looking forward to a fresh start this week. Mood This past week wasn’t quite as good as the week before but it wasn’t bad. I struggled to force myself into the shower most days, which is […]

The post Weekly Wrap-Up March 21, 2016 appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Let music shift your pain

So often in our daily struggles with bipolar, mired down in depression or anxiety, psychosis or anger, we can lose sight of the concept of joy, of delight, jubilation, triumph, […]

Attention Internet Based Employers: Disabled Person Seeks Employment

Dear (insert name of employer here),

I do not have a resume prepared as I have not been employed since I went on disability in 2002 thus have little relevant to state since then.

Prior to the brain damage that eventually won my disability claim…I waited tables. I was a hostess. I worked retail in the men’s wear department and housewares. I dabbled in food prep at a grocery store briefly. I tended bar at a private banquet hall for awhile. I did some wood working for a woman with a craft shop until I injured myself. I waited tables again, in a capacity that put me in the position of waiting on dining room customers, washing dishes, mixing shakes, etc, cleaning the floors and bathrooms…I worked for several months as an assistant in a daycare. I dabbed as a retail cashier, which was a struggle as my brain damage left me slightly numerically dyslexic. Not a good quality when handling money.

Prior to the brain damage…I was an assistant retail manager, promoted after only being hired as seasonal help.

I have spent the last several years, once receiving a proper diagnosis for my disability, trying to find the correct medication combination to stabilize me enough to be reliable in an employee capacity. Unfortunately, as always, my condition is medication resistant and I can never stabilize more than four to six months at a time before I borderline hospital ready.

To my credit…I have no simply allowed myself to wither while on disability. I became extremely proficient in computers and use of the internet. I became a first time mother, and a single one, at that. I have learned that when I am stabilized I am pretty amazing at multi tasking. I am frugal, able to find the best deals, I can type fast (never timed my words per minute as it would cause a panic attack and make me perform poorly), and I am task oriented. My mind wanders due to the attention deficit, but given a solid list of tasks to be performed in a certain order, especially at my own pace, I can be quite the whirlwind at whatever task thrown at me.

In addition to my self taught computer skills, I have spent time as an unpaid assistant at a friend’s electronic’s repair shop. I have learned a great deal in the four years I’ve helped out there once or twice a week. I wanted to try my hand at A Plus certification for computer repair but the numeric dyslexia proved a hindrance when dealing with voltages and such. I almost succeeded in frying a computer and myself. I TRIED and I wanted it so desperately but numbers…Simply are not my strong suit.

I have also nourished my hobby of writing (which began when I was 8 years old) over all these years.Even that is impacted by my disabilities due to lack of focus and the rapid onset of depressive and manic symptoms. I make the effort because I love to write and when my mind is balanced…I am very talented as a writer.

I have many skills. I feel I could flourish if given some sort of employment I could do from home, to avoid agitating my anxiety disorder. I perform better if on my own as being micromanaged and watched make me too nervous to work properly. If I am not tied to a time clock and can take a ten minute break due to a panic attack or stress induced stomach issues, I feel I would be an asset to any employer whose work is internet based.

Yes, I have bouts of depression where I can barely get dressed. I struggle just being a parent, let alone juggling it all during the really bad bouts. My anxiety can become so bad, I actually experience paranoia. This is why I think a job from home would actually help me over any job I could physically go to daily. If the issue isn’t compounded with triggers, I could prove to be invaluable as an employee.

I just need someone to give me a chance. Someone who can open their mind beyond a spotty resume. See beyond my past failures, see how much I have grown as a person. How much being a mother has made me mature. I don’t want to be on disability. In many ways, it’s just as stressful as never being stable enough to work. It’s damaging to the self esteem, for sure.

I want to earn a living for my daughter and myself. I want to work for it. I just need an employer who would be willing to work around my disabilities. Really, if I required a wheel chair ramp, the law would enforce it. The mentally imbalanced don’t get this consideration, no matter what the disability act says. We are very much discriminated against.

I want my life back. That means my financial independence, knowing I earn my way, knowing I make a contribution, knowing that somewhere out there…There has to be an employer who believes people are more than their disability, more than their past poor choices and unstable behaviors. People do change, I am proof.

So if any employers out there are game….Please. I’m a hard worker with many great qualities to balance whatever disabilities and detriments I have.



A bipolar job applicant