Daily Archives: March 18, 2016

Piece by Piece

Wow, now I understand why Kelly Clarkson is always emotional and always singing about men leaving her. I had no idea she’d been abandoned by her father. These emotions cut close to my heart as well. Does it ever end? You can read a ton of books on how to heal your inner child, on how to tame your outer child, on how to become a Buddist nun (haha not really) on how to do EMDR, on how to get over PTSD, and on and on and on. You can be in counseling, exercise, take your meds, but then you hear something like this and the hole in your heart (the figurative one not the real one lol) gets bigger. Are you forever destined to be in pain, broken, irreparable? If once you’ve been broken, can you never glue yourself together again? Like the proverbial Humpty Dumpty? Very powerful song and very powerful emotions,  just finished exercising, going to take a shower and be calm and ok.


So today was clean up day  trying to get over going without for so long with spring break and the youngest one being sick. WE got it all done.  So that was nice.  Now I want to go back to sleep.  But my bed is made so I won’t.  Only have a little while until the youngest comes home from school, so there’s not much I can get accomplished before that.  But I’ll manage.

I wish I didnt’ have to sleep all the time.  I’m so tired of being sleepy. But those are the side effects of my meds, so that is just the way it is.  I don’t like it, but I dont’ know what else I can do about it.

My moods are staying pretty stable now. I’m not thinking as illogically as I was before I went to the hospital.  I’m not catastrophizing everything out of proportion.  I just needed my ABilify to lift me out of the depression.  That is so good for me to know.  Hopefully someday I’ll get over the sleepiness and be able to accomplish more everyday. I’m looking forward to that day.




Attention Mental Health Professionals: Let’s Rewrite the DSM Properly

So…I was laying in bed last night, or more accurately, tossing and turning while my brain raced through every possible thought that would stress me out and keep me awake…In the background one of my crime documentaries was playing and the term “thought disorder” came out in conjunction with schizophrenia.

And it hit me…Bipolar isn’t merely a mood disorder. It is a THOUGHT DISORDER.

By considering it a mood disorder the professionals have done us a disservice simply because “mood” implies something we can control with attitude and behavior modification and such. Yet if it were so simple, we wouldn’t need their medications, would we?

The fact is…When your brain is telling you things are bleak in spite of it being a bright sunny day, everything is going your way, and no matter how many miles you run or how much kale you eat…It doesn’t change. It’s your thoughts that are disordered, not by your personality, but by imbalanced chemicals in your brain. Of course, therapy and exercise and such can help improve your situation in living with a thought disorder.

Truthfully, so can drinking booze or doing drugs. Because it’s a quick fix. Sex, exercise, moving around…It can boost certain chemicals, get them moving, but…like a caffeine buzz, it is fleeting and you end up where you started.

Bipolar and depression are NOT simple mood disorders.

Maybe most of us don’t hallucinate or hear voices or get violent. Maybe some bipolars live fully functional happy lives (usually the singular diagnosed who aren’t med resistant.). And a lot of us struggle every single day to just stay afloat.

Because it isn’t our personalities that cause all our problems. Sure, we all have a past that molded us, gave us scars that throb and cause us to act up…

The real problem is when your brain is sending wrong messages. This is  THOUGHT DISORDER.

Like when my grandfather died and I was manic and laughing at the funeral. Like when I got married and spent the day crying rather than joyful. Like when on Monday I hate you for calling me a bitch and on Thursday I think being called a bitch is a compliment…

Same goes for anxiety disorder. Be it some sort of childhood incident that stunted you or misfiring fight or flight response…Your brain and body are telling you to feel endangered when there is no cause. Thought disorder.

I am sick of the DSM (Douchebaggery Simpleton Manual) changing all the criterion and terms in every edition. Liking the color blue one day will become a disorder.

WE ARE ALL WALKING DISORDERS. The only way not to be is to be a newborn baby. Having a past, living life- you develop disorders.

A plethora of us have to balance, on top of this, a thought disorder like bipolar or depression or anxiety. Or in my case, I hit the trifecta with some ADD and mild agoraphobia tossed in.

No more mood disorder. It lessens the severity of what we go through.

I often wonder if while compiling their precious “psych Bible” they actually talk to real live patients. Or is it just a bunch of “professionals” in a room with their precious notes and files, determining how severe our disorders can be labeled? Do they even ask us how difficult living with this shit is?

It amazes me how people can tout “Don’t give advice if you haven’t walked in the shoes”yet our well being is based almost entirely on these doctors and therapists who don’t have the disorders so how much can they really know?

I am labeled bipolar, axis 2.

As far as I am concerned, though, I do NOT have a mood disorder.

I have a thought disorder and until the masses start to differentiate…Bipolar will always be treated as some sort of mild personality quirk.

Quirky I may be, but for a control freak…having a disorder where my thoughts constantly defy my own control…

It’s anything but mild.


Lucy & I Celebrate Our Birthdays Today!

  The birthday girl – I call this shot “Soulful Lucy”  Two years ago on March 18th, a gorgeous, loving Scottish Collie was born! Forty-six years ago on March 18th, I made my Earthly debut.  Chillin’ with my Dad The words of Toni Childs (one of my favorite musicians) come to mind:  Let me welcome … Continue reading Lucy & I Celebrate Our Birthdays Today!

ZUMBA! The most effective antidepressant ever! 😊

I absolutely love Zumba! It’s an absolute tonic, a balm, a lifter for my mood. 





TOday I didn’t’ do a lot.  I went grocery shopping, cleaned in the  house some and cooked dinner.  I was very sleepy this morning and just didn’t feel like doing much of anything.  I went online and ordered  a few things for Easter but that was it.  Looks like we might be getting a new computer soon for the house–the old one doesnt’ want to log onto the internet anymore.  We’re not sure how the internet connection got fried because everything else on it still works. But not being able to check email is frustrating.

I’m looking at sending off to a new contest this week. I’ve been sending to different things on and off and I haven’t’ been hearing back from any of them,  So I guess I will wait longer and see.  I’m glad we’ve got a department that believes in sending us opportunities to submit.  That is a very good thing.

My cleaning crew comes in tomorrow so I will have some company tomorrow.  I really look forward to seeing those girls.  They’re always full of things to talk about and discuss.

I’m still sleepy.  GOod thing it’s almost bedtime.  Have a good weekend!