My sleep is getting funky again.

This hasn’t happened in quite some time, so the reemergence of sleep problems has taken me by surprise. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been going to bed later and later, and last night I was awake till after 3. On top of that, my sleep is frequently interrupted by Will getting up to check his blood sugar (or vomit), so I seldom if ever sleep straight through the night.

It does no good to go to bed; I just lie there for hours with my thoughts darting around like mice in a cheese factory.  I usually sleep long enough, but of course that means getting up around 9 or 10, which makes me the butt of jokes from my early-to-bed-early-to-rise family members. I’ve never been a morning person and to be honest, this sleep pattern is more my style, but after three years of going to bed at 11:30 and getting up by 8, the sudden change is suspicious.

Now, I’m sure the fact that I’ve been a little hypomanic lately has something to do with it, even though I’m back to ‘normal’ for the most part. I take my meds faithfully every morning and night, yet the nighttime ones don’t make me sleepy until well past the witching hour. I don’t do myself any favors by playing on the computer and watching TV until I do feel sleepy, but anything’s better than lying in bed staring into the dark and wondering when Will is going to awaken and throw up.

It’s become almost a nightly routine; we even have barf bags in the bedroom because sometimes he can’t make it to the bathroom in time. I know what’s causing it, and I also know it’s only going to get worse. However, the hospice nurses have told us that Haldol, an older anti-psychotic, is good for the nausea, and so Will is now taking a psych med (not that he needs one for mental health reasons) in addition to his anti-nausea pills and his “medicine” (AKA marijuana). It helps to a degree, but he still has his good and bad days. Today is not so hot. And every time I hear him get sick, my heart hurts.

Strangely enough, none of this seems to have affected my overall well-being. I haven’t cried in weeks, and most of the time I go around in an absurdly good mood. Spring is on its way, even if it is still cool and damp, and I’m not really experiencing anything out of the ordinary except for the sleep thing. You can almost set your calendar by the appearance of my hypomanic symptoms, which coincides with the arrival of the cherry blossoms near the end of February.

This is one reason why mood charting is so valuable. I use Optimism Online, plus a pencil-and-paper one, and they show clearly when my mood shifts happen. With the exception of last spring’s hypomania and the mild depression I had from mid-December to mid-February, I’ve been pretty steady since the beginning of 2015, so there’s not a lot of fluctuation on the charts. My last full-blown manic episode was in October of 2013; my last bout with bipolar depression came in October of 2014. I think this is called success, at least where I’m concerned. Gone are my rapid-cycling days and the wild mood swings that I never saw coming. That’s not to say that those things will never happen again—I know better than that—but with my current medication regimen, it’s a whole lot less likely.

Speaking of which: Dr. Awesomesauce’s office called Thursday to set up a med management appointment with him early next month. He’s been prescribing for me all along, so I guess he wants to see me before handing me off to another provider. Hey, at least I get to see him one last time and give him the Thank You card with the big ol’ toucan on it. I’m happy enough with my currnet providers, but I’ve been with Dr. A for four years and it hurt to be cut off at the knees by my state insurance. In fact, I’ll be surprised if they pay for this visit. But I’m keeping the appointment, barring anything unforeseen, because I need closure. I need to say good-bye, have a nice life, and thank you for everything. And if truth be told, I think he needs it too, because we’ve been as close as a doctor and patient can ever be within professional boundaries.

In the meantime, I’ll just continue to deal with my sleep issues and try to get back on track. I don’t have a PRN to take so I’ll have to tough it out. Plus we’re losing an hour of sleep tonight, which ought to make getting to church in the morning interesting, especially if I don’t get to sleep before 2 or 3 AM.

Of course, this is a problem only because the rest of the world operates on a 9-5 schedule. Otherwise, I’m not doing anything that requires me to go to bed at 11:30 and get up by 8. I don’t have a job, there are no kids to get ready for school, and I can always get appointments in the late morning or the afternoon. I can’t do anything about waking up two or three times a night with Will, and I’ve always been a night-owl, but even I think going to sleep before 1 or 2 would be a good idea.

So I guess I’m going to try unplugging a little earlier at night; if I get bored enough, I’m sure I’ll go to sleep. Haha!

If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile you know that my Dad has a terminal illness, Interstitial Lung Disease. This basically means that he has scar tissue forming on his lungs.  It is progressive and eventually it will kill him.  He has already outlived the average life span for someone post-diagnosis by taking really good care of himself.  However, over the past few weeks we’ve seen him go seriously downhill, and from Thursday to Friday he went from having a slight cold to serious pneumonia and having to be hospitalized.  He was sicker than I’d ever seen him before, not able to communicate with us, just opening his eyes briefly and then falling back to sleep.  I thought that this was “it”.  After two antibiotic infusions and several breathing treatments, he improved dramatically, but he’s still in the hospital.  Regardless, we know that it’s just a matter of months, or less.

Seeing someone you love and knowing that they will soon cease to be alive is so acutely painful, it’s almost numbing. After all I’ve been through with my illness, I’ve ceased believing in God or any Loving Presence that wants the best for us.  However, I can’t help but pray for my Dad.  I’m asking his previously passed sisters to come and be by his side.  I wish I could have a sign that they’re here with him.  I want him to be comforted.  He has been such a tremendous caretaker and provider for his wife and six kids, I know he doesn’t want to leave us.  He needs to know that we will be ok.  For me in particular, as sick as I have been with my Bipolar, I need to let him know that I will be ok once he’s gone.

I’ve found Dad’s hospitalization and near-death to be extremely stressful, but I’m coping. I’m still stable.  I’m lucky enough to have some mechanisms in place to help me deal with the feelings.  I have close, supportive sisters.  I exercise.  I take time to myself.  I write.  Sometimes, I just sit down and cry.  And that’s appropriate.

I don’t know how much longer I get to have my Dad alive, but I want to be brave enough to be with him, and be with him with an open heart. I want to be brave enough to talk with him about death, if he wants to.  I want to honestly reassure him that I will be ok, and then back that promise up with positive action.  This is one of those times where life isn’t easy, and the most important thing is to be present for the moment.  I’m hoping to put into practice every life lesson I’ve learned so far, to be my best me.  For my Dad.

Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Dealing With Death, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Hope, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Just think of how loud our voices would be if we all spent ONE MINUTE of our day asking a candidate (or several) to talk about how to SOLVE the mental health crisis. Getting them to talk about it is an important step in making the lives of the mentally ill and their families better.

It literally takes seconds to type or copy/paste these words:  TALK ABOUT HOW TO SOLVE THE MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS.  In the rest of the seconds of ONE MINUTE you could get that message out in several ways: Put it  on your own page, put on a candidate’s page, tweet it, tweet it to a particular candidate and ask others to share/RT it, or write it as part of your  blog.

Do you know why the candidates are not listening to our complaints about the mental health crisis? They are not taking it seriously because the advocates won’t come together and take ONE MINUTE to send one message.  We want them to talk about the mental health crisis, but we are not joining hands as advocates to send the message that we want them to talk about it.

By not joining together, we are doing exactly what they are counting on: NOTHING because they think we are too CRAZY  to figure out a way to join together to send a message.  Well, they are right- So far, we haven’t joined hands and fought  with one voice.

I know that advocates want something done and they all work hard every day to do so.  Now, during the election, is a great time to get our voices heard.  Please take that ONE MINUTE now and type  or copy and paste this message and ask that others do too.

TALK ABOUT HOW TO SOLVE THE MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS

Please don’t just read this and think that it’s a good idea. Please act on it. Spend ONE MINUTE right now to help send a message:  We need them to take the mentally ill and the crisis seriously. Don’t let them win because mental health advocates can’t join forces.

As a strong advocate, I am MAD!  I am no longer mad at the candidates who won’t talk about the mental health crisis. I am REALLY MAD at the mental health advocates for not joining together to send a message to Washington.

For over two years now, I have pleaded with the mental health communities that deal with mental illnesses to unite. It is the only way we, as mental health advocates, are going to get our voices heard.

Instead, all the advocacy groups go about their own way trying to raise awareness about their particular cause and members of the health communities complain about the mental health system.

As a strong advocate, I am MAD!  I am no longer mad at the candidates who won’t talk about the mental health crisis. I am REALLY MAD at the mental health advocates for not joining together to send a message to Washington.

For over two years now, I have pleaded with the mental health communities that deal with mental illnesses to unite. It is the only way we, as mental health advocates, are going to get our voices heard.

Instead, all the advocacy groups go about their own way trying to raise awareness about their particular cause and members of the health communities complain about the mental health system.

Just think of how loud our voices would be if we all spent ONE MINUTE of our day asking a candidate (or several) to talk about how to SOLVE the mental health crisis.

It literally takes seconds to type or copy/paste these words:  TALK ABOUT HOW TO SOLVE THE MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS.  In the rest of the seconds of ONE MINUTE you could get that message out in several ways: Put it  on your own page, put on a candidate’s page, tweet it, tweet it to a particular candidate and ask others to share/RT.

Do you know why the candidates are not listening to our complaints about the mental health crisis? They are not taking it seriously because the advocates won’t come together and take ONE MINUTE to send one message.  We want them to talk about the mental health crisis, but we are not joining hands as advocates to send the message that we want them to talk about it.

By not joining together, we are doing exactly what they are counting on: NOTHING because they think we are too CRAZY  to figure out a way to join together to send a message.  Well, they are right- So far, we haven’t joined hands and fought  with one voice.

I know that advocates want something done and they all work hard every day to do so.  Now, during the election, is a great time to get our voices heard.  Please take that ONE MINUTE now and type  or copy and paste this message and ask that others do too.

TALK ABOUT HOW TO SOLVE THE MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS

Hashtags Suggested:
#mentalhealthmatters

#election2016

#democrats

#mentalhealth

#gop

This is a highly informative and instructional website I happened upon in my quest for all things pertaining to love, self love, loving myself, taking care of myself. The author is hilarious and scathingly accurate. My favorite word on her blog is “Assclowns!” I fell off my chair as I was reading this, doubled up in laughter, not an easy feat to pull off, mind you! Read what she wrote below, it’s eyeopening, true, and incredibly funny in parts. 

Love to all. 💟

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/

How I learned to love myself Thursday I wrote about Women Who Talk (& Think) Too Much and how it was a complete waste of our time which as a result of the comments led into another post about why many women don’t enjoy a healthy relationship.
Aside from the consistent theme of giving fairly decent guys a hard time because of in built relationship patterns and then rationalising the treatment by saying that it’s not as bad as what an ex partner had done, the other consistent theme was the unsurprising lack of self love.
One reader in particular, Blaise Parker asked:
“HOW do you deal? I mean, HOW do you love yourself? So many people tell us to do it, but no one tells us HOW, really, truly, HOW step by step.

Obviously we are emotional babies, I mean as far as our level of growth, because we keep getting in these stupid situations.
And for most of us, our parents were no help in guiding us. So somehow we must be shown how to love ourselves.
And no, affirmations will not cut it.”I’m not going to do chapter and verse on it here as not only would a post far from cover it but the issue of self-love is talked about extensively in Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl and in the emotional wellbeing and personal development sections amongst others.
The whole issue of habitually pursuing, engaging in, and opting to stay in poor relationships is about a lack of self love.
The issue of even when you are out of a poor relationship but still treating yourself poorly is about lack of self love.
The issue of taking up with a new guy and not being able to be happy and still not opting out is about a lack of self love.
But back to the question of how to truly love yourself and of course I have no choice but to be real with you:
It takes more than reading books or reading anything to truly love yourself. It takes YOU. Everything else is a catalyst, a handy running mate, a light to guide you but if you don’t want to be galvanised, you keep running off the beaten track, or the lights are on but nobody’s home, YOU are holding you back.
If you aren’t on board with you and still haven’t decided to make the commitment to your own happiness rather than committing to the misery, you are more comfortable with the uncomfortableness of your misery.
How do I know? Because I have been there.
I didn’t wake up one day and think ‘I love myself’ but the day I decided to start treating myself well in every respect and committed to me was the day my life changed. My health was in the toilet, I was told I’d be on steroids for life, I’d ditched another Mr Unavailable, I had daddy issues, mama issues, every issue, and suddenly it occurred to me that if I was waiting for everything else around me to change and suddenly put me at one with myself and the world, I was in for an eternal wait.
And let me emphasise again – We have to stop looking for instant fixes, instant solutions, instant highs and realise that this process is ongoing. You don’t read this today and love yourself to death by 8pm this evening and so much like when we can’t deal with the short term feelings of being broken up with someone, we need to realise that you are making a commitment to you – this is a beginning and everything you do once you start on the path is about feeding into a positive place and depleting the negative resources.
Get more positive and it outweighs the negative.
I made myself responsible for my own happiness which put me in the position of taking care of myself and loving me. I challenged what I had believed about myself and confronted these things and realised that I was carrying a lot of negative crap around about myself. A lot of negative, false crap.
Yes my father had in some respects ‘abandoned me’ but that wasn’t because there was something unlovable about me; it was because he had made poor choices, screwed up, and probably not handled things in the maturest of ways. Not all men were like my father although I noted that if I kept going the way I was, I’d keep getting that familiar daddy feeling…
Yes I had a fraught relationship with my mother and the knock on effect was not liking myself a lot, thinking that there were unlovable things about me, and believing that I had to validate myself with men, but I had to ask myself if it was possible that my mother was wrong, had projected some insecurities and resentment on me, and had in many respects repeated her own negative pattern that was drilled into her with me.
That was a scary thought because I realised that if I didn’t get a handle on myself, I’d be repeating the pattern and passing it on. Did I want to mimic my parental relationships with my partners and future children? Hell no!
I could list countless things just about my parental relationships but I will say this:
I suddenly felt very tired and when I confronted how I felt about them and my experiences, I felt profound sadness and deep hurt that were no doubt colouring my view of the world.
I was carrying around a lot of dead weight and I’m not sure what I expected to happen or what I even wanted to do with it, but whatever I had been feeling and doing was not benefiting me.
I remember lying on a bed at my kinesiologists and her saying that my parents were not infallible and that I need to make a decision to forgive. Initially I felt confused by the fact that she was even bringing up my parents when I’d thought I’d be getting an allergy check, but as I faced the feelings I had hid from, I realised that I had a right to be angry, a right to be hurt, but that at some point I had to let go, forgive, and move on. I was riddled inside with pain, hurt, resentment, and many things unforgiven. It was like an unleashing of years of tears and feelings.
But whilst it is hard to let go and feel the pain, it’s not that hard because I realised that if I’m not going to like and love me, nobody else will and that in itself is a starting place.
I paid attention to when I felt good and paid even more attention to when I felt bad and I opted out. This meant that I didn’t surround myself with certain friends any longer who tended to steal my wind and reinforce negativity but it also meant that my opt out time for relationships shrank from months or years down to about 3 weeks.
I accepted my mother for who she is, faults, funny quirks and all. I’d grown up thinking it was just my mum that drove me insane whilst everyone else’s was perfect, and there are millions just like her, but just one of her. I decided this is who she is and that she’s not going to change and removed the power that she had to upset me because I recognise some of the things she says and does for what they are. Yes she pisses me off sometimes, but I have developed a great filter that tunes out about 90% of the stuff that used to reduce me to rubble. If she annoys me, I withdraw. I don’t let her take up a lot of my airtime and drain me, and I don’t make her problems my problems and because my own life and self-love has evolved, our relationship has a lot more positive elements to it. It is pivotal that you don’t give people the power to dent how you feel about yourself.
And yes, on a number of occasions I have called her on her comments and behaviour, something I find liberating and that she finds uncomfortable but that also help her to establish boundaries with me. A key thing that I find, as women who aren’t loving ourselves too well, is that we don’t know how to define and enforce boundaries and we don’t say when people cross the line. We forget that if we keep allowing behaviour to pass unchecked, this becomes the established pattern. I’m not going to ride her arse like Zorro on everything that she says but I do have a limit. We’ve had a few unpleasant showdowns (our mothers do love drama or the silent treatment)
but how I feel about myself stays intact and I stick to my guns.

Forgiveness is key. I didn’t labour on it but I decided that I just couldn’t be bothered to give a shit anymore to be quite frank. I can’t change my parents or turn back time so what’s done is done. What I can do is learn from the experience and understand myself better. Some people find that they need to chapter and verse and explore their entire past and bit by bit lay things to rest and that works. For some reason, when I said out loud to myself ‘I forgive my mum and my dad for…’ I liberated myself because I actually meant it. They have their own lives and problems to lead and wasn’t going to waste another moment letting them weigh down my life.
I started actually treating myself well. I enjoyed being me and really enjoyed my life. Instead of focusing on finding a guy or maintaining one, I was just chilling because it occurred to me that I should be enjoying my time, not wasting it hurling myself into negative relationships or expending brain power on some chump assclown who probably wasn’t spending a second thinking about me.
For the first time in my life, I wasn’t secretly hoping that each guy I met might just be ‘The One’. I wasn’t even thinking ahead to the next week which gave me an opportunity to spend time in the present and see the guy for who he really was.
I forgave myself. So I went out with a few assclowns, made some horrible choices and put myself through the wringer. Yes I had bad judgement, yes it would be nice if I could turn back time, but I can’t. I am human, I tried to love (misguidedly) and I screwed up. Does that make me a terrible person? Does that mean I should never trust myself again? Does that mean I should taint everything and never love again? Because if I didn’t forgive myself, that’s what I would have been doing.
So I learned to trust myself. If you trust you, you like you, and you love you, and this is the problem for a lot of women. Screw up a few times and you decide that you don’t know how to trust yourself so instead, you trust the self-fulfilling prophecy, negative patterns, and any guy who says all the right things. This meant:
Going with my gut instinct even if it went against my ‘heart’ or my ‘libido’. I was right every time.
Paying attention to how I felt and behaved around people. I remember dating a guy who made me clam up because he talked about himself so much and was too opinionated. When I accessed who I was around him, I discovered I wasn’t myself.
I avoided making decisions out of insecurity or that were based in fears.
I asked myself if my fear was internal fear or external fear.
I shall be back tomorrow with more insights into me but I hope that this helps somewhat…
Your thoughts?
You can read more about self-esteem and how it creates your relationship with Mr Unavailable’s, plus how to move forward in my new ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.