Daily Archives: February 11, 2016

To the People who are Embarrassed to know me

embarrassmentI have often wondered if people distance themselves from me when they find out I have bipolar disorder and/or have a manic episode. I have evaluated this and realize that sometimes it is me pushing them away because of my own embarrassment.

However, for the most part, I have lost many friends and even family because it was their choice to leave and decide they did not want to associate with me.

I have come to the conclusion that the majority of the time it was their choice. They no longer wanted to be near me because people might think that they have the same illness or that they accept me and my behavior.

Well, I am  going to stop analyzing those people and giving them the power  to hurt or upset me and plan to move on. They can distance themselves from me, but I will no longer take it personally. I was born this way and if they can’t accept me like they would like a friend who is missing a limb, blind,  has diabetes or a heart problem, etc. then then good riddance.

I have lost close friends due to my illness . I have lost relatives I spent a lot of time growing up with and it was not until I was diagnosed that things changed.    I’ve had  cousins who stopped talking to me because they think I am odd or wouldn’t say hello to me at school because of who I am. I’ve reached out to people during times when I am not manic or depressed (the times I am “normal”) and have been ignored, have not been recognized, n  and no gratitude was  shown during the time or afterwards. I didn’t do it for the recognition, but in many cases I think it is just because they wanted to avoid me and that is why they don’t thank me or recognize that I am actually a human who does nice things for them and others.

I even have people in my immediate family who do not  want any of her friends or co-workers to know I have a mental illness.  This person even almost my behavior before I see her friends to make sure I won’t embarrass her.

Teachers who my mom told I was struggling  showed no compassion and understanding. I have had had fellow co-workers who distanced themselves from me once they knew. They did not even suspect I had a mental illness until I told them. I decided to tell a  few employers that turned out to be a mistake in every case except for one.  It disgusts me that even politicians,  actors, athletes  totally ignored me and don’t respond to my pleas.  I know other advocates who have been treated the same way.  Our voices are just not being heard by people who could do something.

One thing in particular I really despise is that the he hospital staff, the CEOs of hospitals, the insurance companies, and the patient’s relations centers of psychiatric hospitals where I have been admitted get away with totally ignoring me. . I am even talking about agencies who work with people with mental illnesses and are funded by the state, and even doctors and therapists.

Letters, emails, texts, phone calls, tweets and FB messages are almost always ignored if they mention anything about mental illness.  I have not only observed this, but have tested it and know it is true.  This just  disgusts me.  Pretty much the only time that mental illness is mentioned or responded to is after a tragedy and then it is represented in an incorrect way.

It may be political correctness to not confront it and something that people don’t want to talk about, but it does need to be dealt with head on. Ignoring it is not the answer and  it’s going to continue to make things worse.

By not responding to me or other advocates and people with mental illnesses is a slap in the face. It is saying we don’t matter. It is saying that we are less than a normal person.  It is showing that not much is being done with the stigma or educating others about the illnesses or where to go if they or someone they know are in crisis.

We can say that things have gotten better, but things need to get a lot better. Society is doing better with  research, educating others, passing  laws, figuring out ways to not have jails be revolving doors, and not having enough hospital beds.  However, the thing that bothers me the most is that people with mental illnesses are mistreated and do not get the respect they deserve.

Please note: There are people who do care and are making a difference. I know that there are people even in my only family who are not embarrassed by me.  In fact they have said they admire me for dealing with my illness..  However, It has just been my experience that the majority of the people won’t touch people with a mental illness with a ten foot pole.

I don’t usually swear or tell people off. I usually try and be mostly politically correct, respectful, and don’t want recognition.  I usually work in the background  and try to use a soft tone to make a point.  I try to be reasonable and usually back up things with fact. I almost always use correct grammar and spelling. I try not to let my own emotions get the best of me and analyze what I say  because  I don’t want my points to be  dismissed because I, as a mentally ill person, don’t deserve to be heard and frankly my opinions don’t matter. Even if I can support things by fact and make every effort to not give people a reason to dismiss what I am saying, it does not seem to matter.

Enough is enough. In this blog I am going to speak up with a loud voice and from my heart. I do not intend to hold back or care about what people think or how they judge me for what I am saying.  I don’t care if they dismiss what I say because my points are actually things that they should hear.

The title of this blog is to write a letter so here it is.   I will be  frank, speaking from my heart and confront things in ways that are different for me.  However, I think it needs to be said and it is a healthy thing for me to do and maybe inspire others to realize that they should not be embarrassed by who they are.


You might be embarrassed by me, but you should really be embarrassed by yourself. You have judged me, steered away from me, chosen not to love me, pushed me away when I needed you most, ridiculed me, bullied me, avoided me at all costs and that is something that is wrong and you should not only be embarrassed and ashamed, but feel less than a human being.

You are an idiot because you have not educated yourself about my illness, taken the time to realize what you do or don’t do hurts me more than you will ever know.   You have not learned that mental illness affects 1 in 4 people and you really should take some time to study it because either you or someone you know will have a mental illness.  If that happens, then what are you going to do?  Leave them?  Hate yourself and/or judge yourself?  Realize stigma is worse than you thought, realize that people with mental illnesses are actually human beings who deserve patience, love, and do have feelings?

I would never wish a mental illness on anyone. However, if you are unlucky enough to have one, I hope that you come to your senses and realize that how you have treated me is wrong- simply wrong.

In short, you might be embarrassed by me, but I am more embarrassed by being associated with you.  You are uneducated, a bully, an uncaring, unkind person who needs to learn more about mental illness.  You should  find out what to do if you suspect you or a friend has a mental illness, and evaluate if you contribute to the stigma. You could join all the other people who are embarrassed by me and others with a mental illness or you can start to make a difference and help to erase the stigma, the poor conditions we face, educate yourself, help others in need, and rally to get better treatment for those with an illness that they were born with.











“Mommy, It’s Her Loss!”

  Well, my friends, it has happened again. After a six-month-long Facebook hiatus, I returned to it to promote the HuffPost Women article. In order to reply to the comments, Huffington Post requires that people use Facebook. I’ve been on Facebook for less than a month. Yesterday I got unfriended by someone I trusted. I was hesitant to … Continue reading “Mommy, It’s Her Loss!”

No World, it’s not you it’s me….

As I enjoyed my mid-day coffee because yes, that is when I woke up today (thanks Lamictal), I was having some wonderful racing thoughts about multiple things that pissed me off.  After I started my day, I reflected on those thoughts and had another a-ha moment.  Like 80% of those situations consisted of moments that I read into far to deeply, let bother me when they should have not or I personalized.  I’m sure I had accountability in the remaining 20% but hey, 80% is pretty good, am I right?

When I was in my mid-20s, engaged to a horrible person that blamed the world for everything that went wrong in his life, I can recall screaming at him during one of our fights that when everything in his life is someone else’s fault, it was time to look at himself and realize that most of the time it isn’t them, it’s you.  I walked away from that argument with a horrible feeling in my stomach because I started to absorb my own words.  Maybe that coworker wasn’t out to get me by sending emails with higher ups on copy.  That guy on I-95 didn’t want to run me off the road, maybe he was just an impatient person late for work.  My world was rocked.

Since then, I often reflect on these moments, mostly after the fact, and try to view them at all angles.  Did I have responsibility in the issue, could I be making things worse with my over analyzing, could I just be in a frame of mind that makes me hate the world and that poor guy who looked at me the wrong way at the wrong moment is about to get the shit end of my fury stick?

I’ll admit, doing this type of reflection is hard. It’s hard to take something you view as a definite and question the reality of the situation.  I’ll toot my own horn and say that as time has passed, I’ve become better at this practice.  But doing this is hard work and however your brain works, this practice will meet with a lot of resistance.  

Start small.  Maybe the cashier at the grocery store wasn’t judging your grocery purchases.  Perhaps he/she was just treated like crap for the 20th time that day by some jerk who sees her as just a cashier at the grocery store and not a hard working person, putting up with long hours on their feet.  So instead of taking her short manner and scowling face personally, give them the benefit of the doubt, smile, thank them and be on your way.  You might be the only customer to treat them as a person their whole shift.

Some people can’t get a handle on this way of thinking.  It doesn’t make them any less of a person.  My husband struggles with doing this and is only successful when he is suffering from guilt.  Doing this is hard and takes time.  Your brain has spent so many years surviving this way, undoing it will take time…..sometimes a lot of time.

So the next time some guy is driving up behind you on the highway at a crazy speed and you think not moving will teach him a lesson, just remember there are crazier people than you out there and you don’t know his/her story.  You are worth more than the few seconds of satisfaction watching his softly curse you out in your rear view mirror.

Granted, there are times that it IS then.  For example, my mother and father in law.  Thy suck.  If an issue arises, it will always be them.  ALWAYS.

-Hypomanic Mama


I’ve finished baking cupcakes for my youngest daughter’s party at school tomorrow.  It’s made me realize again how tired I am of doing those sorts of things.  This is the last year I’ll be allowed to send cupcakes to school, and I am kind of glad.  I know that’s a horrible thing to say.  But I am so tired of being a stay-at-home mom.  I am so hoping once I finish this degree and my youngest daughter had some measure of independence, I will be able to go back to work.  That is the dream, anyway.

I still need to frost them, but right now they are cooling off so the frosting will stick.  They’re yellow cupcakes with chocolate frosting planned for the topping–my daughter’s favorite combination.  They will also be having a Valentine’s  party that day, so I need to email my daughter’s teacher and remind her the cupcakes are for my daughter’s birthday, not the party.  We will see how that goes.

Bob caught me sleeping this afternoon. He came in for lunch and I had laid down for a little while.  He didn’t say much, just asked me if anything had happened. I told him no.  I was so tired after I finished eating lunch I just couldn’t help it.  I’ve had another Dr. Pepper so maybe that will keep me awake for the rest of the day.

WEll, it’s about time to start frosting.  Hope everyone has a lovely Valentine’s Day weekend.

Imminent Bipolar Medication Change

Thinking back about ten years ago two things come to mind. First, was meeting Maurice, the man I look forward to spending the rest of my life with. The second thing is not pleasant. It was right after I met Maurice that my life spiraled downwards. Looking back at my life I can clearly see […]

The post Imminent Bipolar Medication Change appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.


True to my talent of being a klutz…I promptly fell in the snow again today. I had the car door open so I grabbed and only one leg whacked on the metal door plate. Gotta love days that start out like that. Oh, and the “how many times is the car gonna die” game, that is always fun at 7:30 in the morning.

After getting her dropped off…I watched my shows. Flash, izombie,X Files…I was fairly calm. The cold and gloom have me down but at least The Dark Thoughts have pissed off for the moment. (Next week is my mom’s biopsy and court, so the dark bastard thoughts will return.)

Then  I  watched Chicago Med. Featuring a wonderful bit where a DOCTOR is talking to a psychiatrist about a bipolar patient on lithium and says, “They don’t need these medications, they’re just indulging themselves. They need to buck up!”

Yeah, I nearly had a brain bleed. Because while that was fiction, that mentality, sadly, is not. It makes me wish I had the super power of forcing others to walk a day or two in my shoes and deal with all this psychosludge. Then I can tell you to quit indulging yourself and buck up, see if you might find it offensive.

R beckoned me to fetch him lunch when I went to pick up my kid as his car battery is dead. I wasn’t amused simply because Kenny was right there at the shop, with a new better running vehicle…Yet it’s my ass going through the drive through with a car that keeps dying…And he didn’t offer me a smoke or anything in return. He’s back on his ungrateful bastard kick. Maybe I should drop a subtle hint Mrs R’s way that she needs to uh, put out, so he’s not such a dillhole to the rest of us.

So I went to pick her up. No biggie. I mean, yesterday, I even took her inside amidst the crowd, and let her buy a couple of Book Fair things. And I wasn’t a spaz, so I saw no reason why I would be today.

Ninja panxiety. Just came from out of nowhere. All the shrieking, it was snowing, all the bright colors, and the rude little brats bumping into me then yelling at me for bumping into them…I got her in the car. I parked in a space that is normally easy peasy to get out of amidst the chaos.

Not today. No, it was wall to wall cars and blowing snow and kids darting into the street and buses taking up half the road….I basically fell apart. I was all but frozen, unable to decide what my next move should be because there was simply so much going on around me. I didn’t know which way to go. And all the while I am talking to myself, cos I do that during panic attacks…Then it hits me that I am carrying on like a lunatic and my kid is listening and I’ve probably just scarred her for life with my idiocy.

It took TEN minutes to find a safe way out of that madness.

I was fine before.

I don’t get it.

And that is what makes it psychosludge. You can be going along doing great or at least staying afloat and then from nowhere, you got ten anxiety ninjas coming at you from every direction. Good mood? Same thing. Mood swing ninjas attack from all sides. It’s just sludge.

Since getting home things have been calmer. We got all her Valentines filled out with their lollipops attached. I get four and a half days of my angel all to myself since she’s out at 12:30 tomorrow.  I am hoping my mood will remain propped up on a popcicle stick and my anxiety ninjas will stay at bay. I’ve finally gotten her back to where she is minding me, last thing I want is her staying at mom’s. Of course, the guilt card will be played eventually on both sides and I will have to suck it up….I don’t get it because I had zero problems integrating her back into our routine when she returned from my dad’s.

To end this on a positive note…I’ve written about 20 pages in my vampire fiction story. It’s drivel, of course, but…if it wards off the bad thoughts and keeps my brain somewhat entertained…

I am gonna go with it.

We got even more snow today. I am starting to think I need to invest in bubble wrap and pad myself head to toe since I can’t stop falling down.

Now…a line from izombie that I found hysterical….

“You don’t think showing up in the hearse is conspicuous?”

“It was this or the zamboni.”




DEA Approves Ecstasy For Anxiety, MDMA Trials Begin In California

E Ecstasy pills or tablets close up studio shot methylenedioxymethamphetamine. Image shot 2004. Exact date unknown.

Wow! I wonder what my psychiatrist will think about this one, he won’t even prescribe me benzodiazepines for my anxiety! Might be a good idea to move to Marin right about now!

They used to use LSD and mushrooms as psychotherapeutic drugs in the 1950’s. They claimed, among other things, to recover memories this way, I’m not sure if they were recovering or perhaps more like creating memories with the help of hallucinogenic drugs. Don’t know, will have to wait to hear what the results of this study are.Very curious as to what it will show. Also they say that there are no longterm associations between psychedelic use and mental illness. However, if a person with eg schizophrenia genes, uses hallucinogenic drugs, the schizophrenia will be unmasked and that person will develop schizophrenia, that is quite commonly known. So that is something they’d have to be careful about. Well, we’ll have to see.


The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) has approved the first clinical trial of MDMA to treat anxiety and other psychological illnesses, amid a growing resurgence in therapeutic psychedelic drug usage in the medical community.

Aljazeera.com reports:

“The tide has changed for psychedelic research,” said Brad Burge, the communications director for the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS), a California-based nonprofit research group that studies medicinal uses for psychedelics and marijuana and is sponsoring the study. The DEA approved the project on Friday, he said.

Unlike Ecstasy or Molly — names for MDMA sold on the street and often mixed with dangerous adulterants — pure MDMA has been proved “sufficiently safe” when taken a limited number of times in moderate doses, MAPS says on its website. The DEA did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

MDMA can be useful in psychotherapy for people suffering from anxiety due to life-threatening illnesses because it produces in users a sense of calm, trust and confidence, Burge said. Unlike psychedelics such as LSD and psilocybin, MDMA does not produce hallucinations, he added.

The clinical trial will be held in Marin, California, in a psychologist’s office, as opposed to a hospital setting, Burge said. The patients will lie on a couch with a therapist nearby for support and conversation.

In the trial, 18 subjects diagnosed with life-threatening illnesses will attend months of psychotherapy, with MDMA being used in a few sessions in order to facilitate the process, he said. The outcome will be measured by whether using the psychedelic helps reduce people’s anxiety, which will be determined at the end of the sessions by the patient’s feedback and the therapist’s assessments.

Researchers hope that using MDMA alongside psychotherapy will let subjects confront their situation more clearly and allow the positive steps they take during the therapy to “stick,” Burge said.

“It opens them up and makes them more comfortable with the therapist while reducing fear and making them more able to talk about difficult emotions.”

If the pilot is successful, MAPS plans to continue with further studies involving more subjects and different approaches. For now, researchers hope to establish basic safety and effectiveness, he said.

The trial is part of a larger $20 million plan to make MDMA an FDA-approved prescription medicine by 2021, Burge said. MAPS is the only organization in the world funding MDMA-assisted psychotherapy trials, he added. The institute has carried out successful pilot studies of MDMA-assisted psychotherapy for post-traumatic stress disorder, adding to the drug’s scientific credibility, he said. Other research by the institute includes ayahuasca-assisted therapy for drug addiction, LSD for cluster headaches and psilocybin for nicotine addiction.

Researchers hope to back up growing evidence that psychedelics have legitimate therapeutic uses — and to counter the narrative that has demonized them as mind-destroying drugs.

“That’s what the really good science shows, despite decades of propaganda and government misinformation,” Burge said. “Just a couple weeks ago, a phenomenal study showed that there are no long-term associations between psychedelic use and mental illnesses.”

That study was published this month in the Journal of Psychopharmacology. In addition, a recent report by Johns Hopkins Medicine, a leading U.S. medical institution combining the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and the Johns Hopkins Hospital, showed that the use of psychedelic drugs — primarily psilocybin and LSD — could reduce psychological distress and suicidal thinking.

500 Posts for bipolar1blog!

Wow, I’ve posted 500 times on bipolar1blog and now i have 500 posts! Pretty amazing! Not surprising though as I post quite frequently, but still a milestone and a testament to my dedication to this blog. Hope all my readers have enjoyed reading them as much as I have enjoyed posting them!

500 Posts

Living Life On My Own Terms

Crocuses are such harbingers of hope. When they appear, you know that winter is about to be over and spring is about to come.

crocus 1

I would like to get a handle on my abandonment issues and the ensuing anxiety and extreme fear of loss so that I can live life on my own terms.

I would like these issues (resulting from awful things that were done to me way back in the past) to NOT have any effect on my present life, moods, or actions. I am sick and tired of being controlled by something that happened years and years ago.

To get control of my life and live it on my own terms, this is what I am hoping, and expecting therapy and work on myself will accomplish.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist, Anna. I will share what happens in my session.

However long it takes, I am in it to win it, haha. No seriously, I am in it for however long it takes to heal myself and get control of my moods, emotions, actions, and ultimately my life.