Daily Archives: January 19, 2016

Trigger Happy

living room

I was reading around during the blog party and came up with a good topic for my entry this week. Several different bloggers talked about this so I’d like to give credit to all of you for jogging my mind a bit.

What kinds of things cause you to trigger? “Trigger” to me just means something that causes me to revert back into depression, frustration, or anger. I have learned to avoid as many triggers as possible but some still slip through. Do any of these things trigger you also?

FRIENDS who are hot and cold. You are their best friend one minute and the next week they have no time for you. Then once you have written them off, they call again and say “Where have you been? I want to get together.” I judge my close friends by this standard: would I call them in a mental health crisis for some support? If I would not, they might be a friend but not in my inner circle. I need people I can count on.

Now this doesn’t mean I expect anyone other than professionals to seriously help me when I am in trouble. But when I am really down, I want to hear…how can I help? do you need me to come over? should I call someone? Do you need the crisis team? I don’t need to hear “I hope you feel better…I have a hangnail!” Due to all this hoopla, I have culled my friend list down to nine good friends. I also have a second list of people I am friendly with but can’t count on. I’ll send them Christmas cards.

VIOLENCE in movies and TV shows. I just don’t care for violence or suicidal actions in film. My movies don’t have to be happy or comedies, but I like documentaries, dramas, and general fiction movies with strong character development. Sex or bad language doesn’t bother me but forget rolling heads.

CROWDS can get scary for me. I feel very alienated in a large crowd, like at a busy mall. A packed movie theater also triggers me. I like to sit of the end of the row. I hate tripping over people and have them tripping over me to get out. There’s something about a crowd. This sounds crazy but I want to go up to everyone and ask them their story. It’s strange but I want to know everyone.

FREEWAY DRIVING is my nemesis. This is a pain in the ass. I have to get back to it. It triggers me to sweat and panic. I can envision myself just pulling over and stopping. Ick!

BEING LONELY can bring on depression. I can feel lonely in a crowd like many people. I don’t like it if no one is home. My pets are some company but not the same as a person.

BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ON TV are ultra depressing. No matter how much weight I lose I will not be gorgeous and have perfect teeth and hair. It seems, however, like everyone on TV is fantastic. Even though I know a lot of makeup, wardrobe, etc. go into that beauty.

RELATIVES who look for trouble. We have a cousin who sits around and waits to be insulted. He makes up whatever he can. This triggers me to want to stay away from people.

FUNERALS cause me to cry without end. I just don’t do well. I skip all funerals except the ones I MUST attend. Most people seem to understand.

HAIR DRYING is stressful for me. I am better now at getting a shower, but now I hate to blow dry my hair. I get impatient standing there and it seems to take forever. In reality, it takes about five minutes. I will often cancel on an activity because my hair needs to be washed. But at least I am better on showering.

HGTV is a huge trigger. I do not want to watch other lucky people get their house totally re-done. (see above image) There’s nothing wrong with my house, but watching others have their decorated bugs me. Especially when they stand there and complain about the designers.

FACEBOOK. What can I say? There’s something lonely about grandbabies, kittens, and puppies. I don’t get into the whole “like” thing, but  know that people get insulted by not enough likes. I cut my FB friends down to about 20. I still get depressed over them. Some of them I was close friends with at one time but we have all moved on. Sad.

TECHNOLOGY frustrates me like nothing else. I want to set up a FB page for my book. I want to tweet for my blog. I want to learn the WP blog changes. I struggle. I want to edit my book with Word. Technology life is hard. I can get angry when I get too lost.

So what triggers you?




Slimming Down

Have you heard all this talk about gut health? Good microbes vs. yeast and all that shit?  Probiotics?  Well after my bout with H. Pylori and three antibiotics, it’s safe to say that the yeast was winning in my gut.  Yeast=sugar and carb cravings=out of control eating=more yeast=more out of control eating=ass bigger than a car!  Dammit!  I was fighting a losing battle with my weight, and I really wanted to take off the 33 pounds I gained on the Clozaril.  Lucky for me, my doctor prescribed an antifungal medication in pill form, which helped stop the yeast overgrowth.  Along with that, I have been taking a big-time probiotic to support a healthy gut (30 billion CFU’s), and I’ve been avoiding eating and drinking anything sugary, along with sugar substitutes, which are also said to feed yeast overgrowth.  Artificial sweeteners are also strongly correlated with obesity.  (Saying things like “strongly correlated” isn’t my usual fare I know.  No, I haven’t been hacked.  Here’s a “fuck” to prove it’s still me). The upside to all of this is that, the less sugar I eat, the less I crave it.  A few months ago, it wasn’t unusual for me to eat a whole pint of chocolate ice cream with chunks of fudge in it, and caramel sauce on top (I’m so sorry, pancreas).  Today, I am 24 pounds lighter and so encouraged!  Yes!  I can be bipolar, medicated, and still make weight corrections!  In addition to avoiding sugar, I try to eat a very healthy diet heavy in fruits and vegetables, and I work out every day, which I’ve said before is another form of medication for me.  Daily exercise is a must for this seasonally affected bipolar.  I try to be very matter-of-fact about it, not considering “not” doing it.  It’s just a part of my day and a part of my regimen to stay healthy and non-suicidal.  In my mind, I’m not “on a diet”, but have come up with a new way to eat and a new way to live.  To me, it’s a small price to pay to get out of body prison, which is truly how it feels to be covered in so much extra weight.  I don’t want to live like that any more!  Being properly medicated and exercising every day gives me the power to make changes, and goddamn am I grateful for the changes!!!

The other thing that motivates me to keep going is, I don’t want to end up back in the mental hospital. My last hospitalization was involuntary and having my choices taken away was devastating.  I never want to go back to the hospital, I never want to be forcibly medicated (especially on the “big-guns” medications that cause weight gain), and I never want to feel infantilized like I do in the hospital.  Never again!  For a serious bipolar with super-serious SAD, this may be a lofty ambition, but I am going to try my damdest.

I’m sure I could Google up some statistics on Bipolars with weight issues, but I’d much rather hear from you – who has struggled with their weight? Have you ever stopped a medication due to weight gain?  What kind of solutions have worked for you?  Sound off below – please!

Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Exercise, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Bipolar Weight Struggles, Hope, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

What this blog has done for me


Firstly, it has provided a chronology of my moods, showing me in no uncertain terms that what goes up must come down, but not only that. It has shown me that I am not my moods, I can transcend my moods. Something I think is forever, is certainly not. The next blog post shows that clearly. It has helped chronicle my journey and helped me be kinder, more loving towards myself as well as kinder and more loving towards my family and friends. Yes we all may go off the deep end, myself totally included, but we can also swim, walk, skate (haha), fly , drive, jog, or ski, back to places of joy, laughter, kindness, love and equanimity.

Also, since I have been posting a lot of my family history, going back 200 – 300 years (the mansion), there has been the unexpected, but truly welcome result of bringing my family together. As not uncommon in families, we have had our differences, but this clear illustration with pictures, of our roots and commonality has forged a strong bond of familial love. And I am endlessly happy about that.

Our trip to Pakistan also obviously strengthened our bonds with our beloved family.

So, on to more blogging and more laughter, lovely, healthy relationships and hugs and kisses for all of you, my friends, family and readers.




SO everyone has given me hope the past couple of days.  I saw my therapist yesterday and got some really concrete advice:  get outside and exercise,  try yoga as an exercise option, use prayer in whatever way helps alleviate the anxiety, and see my doctor to see if he could recommend a change in medicine.  SO I went to see my psychiatrist today, and he gave me new prescriptions for Lexapro to help boost the  Pristiq, and added Xanax for the anxiety.  A low dose to keep me on an even keel. So that is now three drugs I am taking in the place ere of the one drug Ability which my insurance will not pay for. So in one way it is kind of dreadful to be on so many medications, but in another it’s good to know that there is a plan in place.

I also went and signed up for a class that is combination Yoga and Pilates. I called around yesterday to the various health clubs and found one that offers a class in the morning on Wednesdays so I signed up for a club membership and will start off going to that once a week.  Hopefully it will help with the anxiety and the weight gain and help alleviate that.  That is the plan so far. Maybe after a while I can add in some elliptical work that will be no- or low-impact on my foot.

And I start classes at the university tomorrow morning as well, so that will tie up some of my excess mental energy as well. I am looking forward to it in that it is a nonfiction workshop and hopefully I can work on my book about being bipolar while in it. Depends on how she structures the class. I am so looking forward to starting it tomorrow.

So as always, there is hope no matter how hopeless you feel things are.  Pray and get strength from God.  Get help from your treatment team and your support network. Don’t let it go on without end.  Know that there is a way you can cope.



My great grandfatherIMG_9598

My grandfatherDSCN7286

My grandparents with my cousin, their first grand child.DSCN7290

My grandfatherDSCN7288

My eldest aunt’s wedding.DSCN7265

My youngest uncle, who passed away at age of 21 in an accident.DSCN7284

My aunt (left) and my mother (right)DSCN7382

My aunt learnt how to play the sitar! A sort of a big deal, as music was not allowed in Islam (!?!?) But my grandfather was an enlightened man, who also sent my mother to a medical college to be educated as a doctor. She became an OBGYN!DSCN7374

My grandmother and my oldest cousin.Nani

My cousin and I (on the right.) DSCN7232

My Fatto Khala in healthier days.DSCN7376

It All Goes Together

“Our common sense has been rigged, you see, so that we feel strangers and aliens in this world, and this is terribly plausible, simply because it’s what we’re used to. That’s the only reason. But when you really start questioning this, say: is this the way I assume life is? I know everybody does, but does that make it true? It doesn’t necessarily, it ain’t necessarily so. So then as you question this view that underlies our culture, you find you get a new kind of common sense, it becomes absolutely obvious to you that you are continuous with the universe.”

posted on http://projectiamyou.com/2016/01/19/it-starts-now/

It Starts Now

Such amazing statements, observations, truths, and words in this video! Thank you Quentin Williams for posting!

Project i•Am•You

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COME ON! FML Post #5049

After 3 uneventful kid free days in which I managed to dye my hair and shower (sad that these are monumental events)…they returned my child to me coughing up a lung and ten minutes in…I found a live louse in her hair. 18 months without a single case of head lice and BAM!

True to form I started coming undone. I mean, BIG TIME. Not because lice is something shameful, kids get it, bfd, but because…I’m already overwhelmed, anxious over the court thing, can’t keep up with the housework, and now I have to treat both of us plus wash all bedding and bag up what can’t be washed. On average, it takes four days for me to get all the nits out of her hair cos even in bright light and magnified I can’t see them and after two days, the school marks absences unexcused…


So I spent a half hour last night spinning my wheels, freaking out, wanting to cry…And then I decided, fuck it,  I have to deal with it,so we went out and fetched mayo and came home and both did the mayo/shower cap bit. Super cruel for me because mayo makes me gag, can’t stand the smell, texture, let alone the taste and my head was coated in it for ten hours. Ick. (There goes my fresh dye job, too, it’s gonna fade, and it took me five bloody months of looking at that box before I worked up energy to use it, fuck.)

Spook woke up in the middle of the night with a tummy  ache. She was sweating and trembling from a fever break.

I set the alarm so I could call her in absent and managed to snooze until quarter after eight, which is a no no cos they need all kids accounted for to order lunches…Bloody hell.

Promptly washed the mayo out of our hair and used the some tea tree oil/mint shampoo, leaving just enough in for the lice comb to slide in easily and rid whatever nits there may be. ( I always treat myself even if not symptomatic, just easier than chancing it.)  We have stripped everything and I have the washer and dryer working triple time. She’s still hacking up a lung and a spork and some sort of car part, maybe a distributor cap…And I am coughing again, my nose all running, when I was fine for three days, fuck you cold weather and allergens.

I am trying to cope but gotta say…This just seems like a cruel turn of events. That court hearing has me so knotted up I’d almost rather sign myself into the rubber ramada for a day. Damn myself for having principles, if I’d just let it go with one month retroactive, I wouldn’t have to appear. But ya know what? THat is Spook’s money and she is entitled to it, if I don’t fight for her, no one will. Just be nice to have some valium about now.

I am further irked the school didn’t send home parent warnings about a reported case of lice so we’d all have been on the look out. Lice season is generally fall/spring and my kid and I have very dry scalps so an itch here and there isn’t really an attention getter.

Cripes. This whole “God never puts more on you than you can handle” is a crock of shit. I was so rattled by liceapalooza last night I forget my evening meds, which means I gotta start all over again on the five day count at the higher dose so the blood reading is accurate. I am coming undone. Today’s mom’s bday, I was gonna make her chicken noodles, but now I don’t think even if we finish up the lice clean up I can drag my coughing sickly child out into the cold…And mom’s roommate is in such fragile health, I can’t take a sickly child there, anyway.

YES, you can be handed to much to handle.

I am sure out there somewhere is someone who reads this shit and says, “Oh, this chick is a drama queen, no one could have that bad of luck.”

To quote Metallica, “Sad but true.”

Back to laundry o lympus.

Here’s a thought: Instead of a gazillion bucks spent so men can get hard ons, how about you fuckers figure out a cure for lice?

Because if anything is gonna be sucking my blood, it best damn that look like Louis from Interview with the Vampire.


Middle of Yesterday

I often get myself caught up in conversations I either had myself, or was adjacent to in the recent past. I’ll spend hours pouring over the details and how things could’ve been tweaked or phrased differently to achieve a different result. I try to imagine how either I or the other person came to the […]