Sometimes, when you’re bipolar, you want to bust all the stigma. You want to save the world. You want to kick stigma’s ass and save all the people. But then sometimes you do just feel “crazy” and you just feel like you’re the epitome of mental illness and like you can’t make toast, let alone a difference in the world.
I guess that’s the nature of having bipolar disorder. Everything is in extremes. I’ve been struggling some recently. Not going back to the hospital, type of struggling, but just… there is SO. MUCH. GOING. ON. and I often feel like I can’t handle it (understatement). Trying to deal with normal suckiness of life on top of bipolar can truly be too much for a bipolar person. For me, anyways. And I’m sure I’m not alone in that. Anyone?
I really hate to be complaining, my life is generally really good, it’s great actually, but like with anyone, bad, scary, stressful stuff happens. Stress just gets the best of me and I wish I didn’t let it. People get sick or injured or some other frightening or major life event occurs and it just all happens at once and it’s just so overwhelming. I spend a large portion of my life overwhelmed. Or so it would seem.
And for crying out loud, every single damn time I have dental work done–I swear I feel like crap. And by crap, I mean, totally emotional. I cry a lot after the dentist. Sometimes I cry AT the dentist. I’m sure everyone at my dentists office thinks I’m so great and completely stable. Not. But, I actually talked to my psychiatrist about this last week and he confirmed that this can happen because of what they inject along with the lidocane to numb your mouth. It was very interesting. He explains it better, so I’m not going to try, but how amazing is it to know that?! All of this time I thought it was just me being a total weirdo or that it was just an annoying coincidence or that, you know, it was “all in my head.”
Ugh, don’t you sometimes just want to know that what you’re feeling is normal? When you’re bipolar and things are all haywire, nothing seems–for lack of better word–normal. I’ve felt recently like things won’t level out again, or at least not any time soon. And even if they do, how long will they stay that way? When I feel down, everything is terrible, and when I feel good, I can conquer anything. Balance would be so nice.