I couldn’t let this week go by without wishing everyone some sort of happy holiday.
I suppose we have blog readers that celebrate all sorts of different holidays this month. We probably have a few that celebrate nothing. One of my depressed friends lives with her father and she says they don’t celebrate at all. I thought she was sort of making that up, but now I believe her. And I can see the benefit in just doing nothing. But when you have kids, a husband, relatives, and friends, you can’t totally drop out of the season.
Christmas can be a heck of a lot of work. I cheat as much as I can. I buy a lot of the food and I get my family to put up a lot of the decorations. I put a lot of the presents I buy in gift bags or boxes because I hate wrapping. I get a fair share of gift certificates. We also give the kids money for the bulk of their presents.
One part of Christmas I like is church. The sanctuary is absolutely stunning. This isn’t the best photo in the world but it gives you the idea. Our church is pretty small, but they do a great job of decorating.
I’ve been crying when we sing at church. My therapist says this good…it shows that I am not numb.
My meds have been changed but I still feel apathetic. I am doing the minimum and barely want to do that.
I feel exhausted. I feel tired of dealing with myself. I feel like just a piece of a person and like my life will not get any better.
My best friend is a challenge. She once told my husband I needed to get other people to support me when I am depressed. So now I feel like I can’t be honest with her. Ick. But thank god I have others to support me. I had a friend call today and we laughed. Her son is driving her nuts and I could identify.
I have other friends who want to support and see me. I have big plans in January to patiently go through them and see them. But I’ll probably just wind up laying on the couch or canceling.
I HAVE to get up and do things. I HAVE to get a shower and go out. I have to get over my fear of showers and health problems, and driving. I am not even being a person.
Last night I went out to my son’s graduation dinner. The dinner turned out wonderful, but I felt so blah. My face looks old, my hair looks bad, and I am overweight. I did have a nice outfit so I felt good about that.
This sounds crazy but I can’t seem to get a good hairdo. I have a stylist who get the gray out and does the highlights, but the hair style is never something I can do at home. I need to go in again. I am a little nervous to make an appointment because then I will have to drive there.
I have shrunk down to the next smallest size of jeans so that is progress.
Why oh why, is life so hard?