I had a forty minute upswing today where I was feeling okay. My kid was running me ragged with her demands and pissing me off with her lack of gratitude and respect…It didn’t last long.
Once I recovered from that crassssshhh into the abyss…
The mail arrived. Christmas card from my dad’s faction.
ADDRESSED ONLY TO MY CHILD.
That set me off into a pms zone of tears and a stab-0-matic zone.
Almost twenty years dad’s been with that…that…hillbilly…and this is the FIRST year ever that the card hasn’t been addressed to both of us.
Am I wrong to be offended??????
I mean, stepmonster labeled it using MY family last name (as in my mom, dad, sister’s, half brother’s) yet dad never married her so technically and legally it is NOT her last name…And it’s addressed solely to my child at our address…So what is she trying to prove here:? Setting me off so I look like an unfit mother and she can sweep in and take my child to keep her company now that dad has one foot in the grave and her own child is pushing 21????
A m I paranoid? Menstrual?
FIRST time in twenty years the x-mas card has only been addressed to my child rather than both of us.
As if I am no longer family.
HOW DARE SHE!!!!
I faced my own mother’s wrath and hatred when I had Spook and listed stepmonster, along with my dad, as grandparents in spite of her not being blood relation or even related by marriage. I have done EVERYTHING to include her and my half brother even while mom and sis excluded and hated them. To say this made me a black hated sheep would be an understatement.
So to have this woman send a card addressed only to my kid, as if I don’t exist, when every other year for so long it was both of us….
I wish she’d die in a fire.
Ya think I am joking or dramatizing or hormonal?
Going to war with my mother over this for the last twenty years put more stress and anxiety on me than anyone deserves. It made my sister even more the favorite. It pretty much turned me into a pariah.
One disagreement, stepmonster hangs up on me like a child, and next I know…I’m not even on the family Christmas card.
And yeah, okay, why would I even care, or want to be included with those psycho hillybilly hosebeasts…But in all fairness…I am my dad’s DAUGHTER. I was here first. I have done nothing wrong to be so disrespected and left out.
On top of that, I’ve been forced to hear my child reiterate many times in 25 hours that “hillbilly mum” doesn’t like this, or that, doesn’t want her t0 wear baggy clothes, doesn’t like the way I do this or that, and she fears hillbilly grandmum too much to speak up and now after years of hating jeans and cowboy boots suddenly she wants to wear them cos my half brother and hillbilly stepmum have told her it is the “right way to do things.”
Maybe I get a giggle when my kid sings heavy metal, quotes Llamas with hats, or wears black and a Jack Skellington shirt…But I have NEVER EVER insisted she do, or like, anything but what is true to her. She is free to be her own person (she even wore a Bieber shirt at one time and Hannah Montana but that was her, not me) and I want that for her. I want her to feel free to develop her own identity and not feel pressured to be what others, including me, might want her to be.
Now suddenly it’s all “hillbilly stepgramma hates this, she doesn;t like this, she says you do this wrong, she wants me to do this this way…”
Think I am hitting the wall here. I knew better than to let any faction of my family spend any amount of time with her was a kiss of death yet I wanted to be fair and non neurotic and Spook loves them but…
Lines have been crossed, I have been disrespected, excluded, and usurped.
This is not acceptable.
I am drowning in anxiety and depression as is (and also freaking out that hillbilly stepmum plans to use that against me to take custody of Spook cos they have “more” than I do)…How I wish I could say I was wrong. But for all these deviations and changes to come on right as my support hearing comes up…I don’t fucking trust them. Maybe I am wrong but dad is old, my brother is an adult, and I just have this sick feeling stepmonster fears being alone so she is plotting against me to take my child.
Yes, I know it sounds insane. Right up til it happens. I always had a paranoid feeling the donor would ditch us and ya know what? it happened.
The gut is not always wrong and it’s not always insane.
I have little doubt if called on it, stepmonster would have a “valid” explanation and my dad would back her up. I am, after all, the “crazy” daughter who doesn’t work because I am “lazy”. His loyalties have been made clear and it doesn’t involve me at all. Whatever.
I just can’t abide rudeness. How would stepmonster feel if I sent a card addressed only to “blood relatives”??? Bet she never considered that for that would require maturity and intelligence.
(Cripes, this thing has had me breaking out in itchy welts all day, I may as well have done battle with a swarm of mosquitos and fleas!)
So I have tried to talk to stepmonster, tried to talk to my dad, and they are sided together which isn’t new. I am always the family fuck up no matter how much right I do. Mindfulness means fuck all when those around you won’t let go of the past. Yeah, I spent years fucking up. For seven years now, I have busted my ass to make up for it and do right. For all the good it does me with my family. Dad is still on my ass about the car being in mom’s name, which I do NOT get at all cos it has NOTHING to do with him. It’s between me and mom, he’s not legally responsible. Besides which they have FIVE vehicles for three people so if it’s such a big deal how about selling me one of those on payments, you asscuntmotherfuckers?
Yeah, filthy mouth cos I am hurt and pissed off.
I don’t wanna be, but the hormones are dictating responses now, the anxiety in second place, and….To quote the awesome Ramones….
I WANNA BE SEDATED!
And if I can’t be sedated…I really need a gofundme campaign to help get me the fuck out of here, far far away from these oppressive people called family who are eventually going to drive me to off myself.
Maybe not today, tomorrow, or the next five years. But all this time, them chiseling away, not trying to turn my kid against me….
Sedate or relocate seem to be the only options.
I am quicksand, screaming for the cats to go get help, and they are ignoring me, cos it’s what cats do.
Really shoulda let Spook have a dog, but then again…With her attention span on feeding pets and my inability to keep up with their walking/grooming/etc…The dog would likely be a petrified skeleton and as much help as the cats.
Everyone wonders why people do illegal drugs that destroy their lives.
THIS. My life. How much torment can you handle day in and day out before you crack your lids? Who wouldn’t want to escape?
My only saving grace is being too poor to buy drugs and too panicked to go looking for them to take out in trade.
If the legal ones that are supposed to save you just fail you and drag you down further…Hating everything seems to be an appropriate response as far as I am concerned.
“We’re all mad here” said the cat.
Truer words were never spoken at this moment. Pissed off or insane…I am both.
And I just wanna scream ABDUCT ME AND MY KID AND GET US THE FUCK AWAY FROM THESE OPPRESSIVE PEOPLE!!!!
Once the hormone surge passes and the holidays are over I will likely be okay…Until then…I’m the equivalent of dry socked of a tooth, only this is dry socket of my entire psyche.
TragicH8teball predicts this week will not end well if I can’t find a magical way to hold my tongue.