Daily Archives: December 21, 2015

Top Reads of 2015

I have read 115% of my goal on Goodreads this year, and it will probably be a little more after the last 10 days are finished.  However, I know I’m ready to share my top books of 2015 and this year I wasn’t able to limit it to 5 – there is a bonus 6th […]

Crispity, Crunchety, French-Fried Edges

I had been doing so well on blogging regularly, but the last week or so has really taken a toll.  I have been completely without two very important medications for four days one week, and then totally without any sleeping or nightmare medication for three days the following week.  Add that to a very busy schedule, and I find myself feeling a bit worse for wear as days go by.

Of course, I’m gonna come through it, and things are already looking up, but I am fried around the edges.  Social contact has become difficult — heck, I don’t even want to be around LarBear half of the time.  I just want my music and my sunlamp and for everyone to leave me the Hell alone.  I haven’t been doing much Facebook, haven’t been returning messages or emails.

This time of year is classically difficult for me.  I haven’t had a “good” winter in over fifteen years, and for the last few years have ended up in the hospital or the crisis residence shortly after the holidays.  Heck, this Spring, I even had to do ECT.  I still grasp at straws as to things that make me feel better, but sometimes it is grasping into thin air.

I have jewelry pieces I have been wanting to make for Christmas, and I have all of the supplies — I am severely lacking in the follow-through department, however.  They aren’t hard pieces, but I just look at the supplies, then out the window at the grey nastiness, then back in at the supplies, and ughhhhhh.  I cannot get any motivation going, and as Christmas approaches, the stress of not having these things done or even being worked on grows greater.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of flailing, sitting still, kicking and screaming against doing anything the last week.  I have been trying my very hardest to stay positive, to stay in wise mind, but I find myself full of negative feelings and emotion.  As much as I can, I am turning my mind away from those thoughts and feelings, but gosh durn, it’s hard sometimes!

Thanks to DBT (and almost 20 years of dealing with bipolar disorder), I have discovered a few things that work to bring me back to Earth.  I have been relying heavily on music, breathing exercises, building structure, building mastery, and routines.  Yes, I must have my routines — they may seem to be silly and frivolous to other people, but my routines are sometimes the only things that keep me going.

In addition to the medication issues over the last two weeks, I have been dealing with a LarBear who is struggling to deal with the realities of his (negative) family situation while embracing a “new” family that has traditions and celebrations out-the-wazoo.  It is overwhelming for him, and he has said as much, and has certainly acted as such.  I don’t know much to do except to just ease him through the season, but it definitely adds to the stress level.

Through the course of blogging today, I am feeling a weight lift off my shoulders, and realizing that this dang thing is more therapeutic to keep up than I had realized it still had the power to be.  If you are my dear friend, and I have mentioned a piece of jewelry for you for Christmas, know that it may be more of a New Year’s gift, and remember that I am human, and it might even turn out to be a “Happy February” gift.  Doing the best I can here, and there’s always manana, manana!

Filed under: And Sometimes It Just Spins, Neuroticism Tagged: Bipolar, Christmas, coping skills, DBT, depression, gifts, jewelry, mania, mental wellness, mental-health, mixed episode, routines

Hello…. It’s been a while….

I haven’t posted here for a while.  I was not sure what to say, what to repeat yet again, what to think about where I was, where I am and where I will be in the future.  Sometimes for those … Continue reading

Hello…. It’s been a while….

I haven’t posted here for a while.  I was not sure what to say, what to repeat yet again, what to think about where I was, where I am and where I will be in the future.  Sometimes for those … Continue reading

Hello…. It’s been a while….

I haven’t posted here for a while.  I was not sure what to say, what to repeat yet again, what to think about where I was, where I am and where I will be in the future.  Sometimes for those … Continue reading

An Early Christmas Gift For My Christian Friends

Ancient inscription points to Jewish past for early Christian site http://www.timesofisrael.com/ancient-inscription-points-to-jewish-past-for-early-christian-site/

Well, yeah.  I’m always jarred by the newspapers’ spin on ancient finds that have to do with the overlap of Hebraic and early Christian/Gospel period culture.


Yes.  Jesus was a rabbi.  He taught over there.  So why wouldn’t people continue being Jewish?

Yes, eventually there was a new religion built around the teachings of Jesus, and Jesus’ teachings themselves were built around the teachings of HIS teachers, just like we have done for 5000 years and counting.

So this new find is good news for everybody, because it gives us a much better picture of how people lived together way back in the days of the Second Holy Temple, up on the eastern shores of the Kineret, which is Hebrew for the Sea of Galilee.  There are some mighty good fish in there, but you have to watch out because the Jordan River flows under there and creates extremely dangerous (deadly) currents.

OK, so read the article and let me know what you think!

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Last week, Sadie said she had been reading about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).  She noted that she’s not trained in it, but there are other people at CMHC who are.  My mind was screaming, “No, don’t abandon me!”  I worry about this often.  I worry that she will move or change jobs, or worse, […]

All I Want For Christmas Is…

more patience with my child and the ability to handle excessive noise without spazzing out. Really. Because she requires an ass ton of patience and she never stops talking even when eating, she talks in her sleep, and on top of yowling cats and cars driving by and oh, the neighbors screaming earlier cos one of them locked the other out and wouldn’t open the door…

It’s double the dose Xanax time.

And I feel pathetic and shitty, of course, cos they didn’t even bring her home til five thirty and she was asleep by seven thirty and still…That two hour slice of demands, complaints, yapping, yapping, more yapping, more complaining and then her acting out obnoxiously because I tried to spend two minutes reading something before answering her millionth question all the while attempting to cook the supper she requested we eat together at the table…

PFFFFTTTT. I am pms-y, I am stressed, and every sound is like two evil leprechauns using my nerve endings as a jump rope while a mob of Oompa Loompas go over and under….

I just want to be a good mom.

Yet I am so easily overwhelmed. And hormonally miffed. I told my dad I wanted her home tonight so she and I could put our tree up…And he said they hadn’t gotten theirs up yet either…so they went ahead and kept her so she could help with their tree thus ensuring she has no interest in our little fake one.

Fuck, yeah, I am hypersensitive because they are uber douchey.

And apparently, in spite of me, as well as dad’s faction offering to help, mom and sis and their crew are telling people we’re too good to help them move so they had get their friends who are their “real family.”  Yep, you feed me, my spouse, and our three kids two hundred nights a year for free like you do those bums, we’ll be your real family, too.

Shallow people suck. Hypocrites suck. It all sucks.

The highlight of my day, and I mean the part where I really wish I could sue the “mental healthcare professionals” as it is when I need help the most but of course, it’s not scheduled in my forty minutes per year of quality doctor/therapist time on a clock…I had to go to the second busiest store in town aside from Walmart and it was packed and all the bright colors and people and phones going off and registers beeping had me ready to vomit into a cart. THAT is when I need a professional to call and have them talk me through it with their stupid exercises that supposedly cure cancer and anal leakage.

Alas, no. Aside from my 40 minute insurance allotted time…I am on my own in this fucking petri dish noise filled nightmare world and let’s just say, some days…the coping isn’t going so well.

So…yeah. I did some housework and got groceries before I hit the wall.

But I did hit the wall, face first, and damn it, it only looks like it’s made out of foam. It’s actually concrete.

If anyone knows where I can procure some patience and a drug strong enough to make me bulletproof to auditory stimuli….Please for the love of pegacorn tell me.

It’d be the best Cryptmas ever if I could look at a lit up tree without my retinas bursting into flames cos the colors are too bright and the Christmas carols are too shrill.

Snow Therapy

My girls with their new friend – and yes, Rilla is licking him, but she lived to tell the tale!   I’m writing this post from the snowy shores of West Lake Tahoe. It’s a spectacular area – if you haven’t had a chance to visit Lake Tahoe, I hope that someday that you’lll have the opportunity. … Continue reading Snow Therapy

I’m not going to commit suicide

There’s another aspect to the general concept of not talking about suicide, and that’s the total freakout that sometimes ensues. I’ve been told very clearly on more occasions that I care to remember, not to mention suicide. I can’t listen to this, You shouldn’t have said it. One person just said I can’t, and stormed … Continue reading I’m not going to commit suicide