Daily Archives: December 17, 2015

Detox Diary Addendum

canstock31973415About a week has passed since I took my last dosage of psych meds (Detox Diary), and I’ve just noticed an interesting phenomenon. My brain seems to be reverting to an old coping mechanism from my abuse days – shut down, feel nothing. I’ve only noticed it in retrospect, as in “That was an odd reaction to that situation.” Feelings of depression or anxiety will start to overwhelm me, then all of a sudden I’ll feel nothing. After that, I become very sleepy. Then today I participated in something that “normally” would have been the sort of thing during which I’d be crying “happy” tears (or at least sniffling), yet I felt nothing…again. This blunted affect is just as disturbing as uncontrolled mania or depression. It’s unexpected, and I don’t like that. I was prepared for the extremes, I had a plan; I was not prepared for my brain bizarrely taking over.

I’ve written that last paragraph over and over, and I cannot come up with a satisfying way of stating what I’m experiencing. That’s another thing…not being able to express myself in an articulate manner. My brain is flying all over the place, too much stimuli to cope with, too many racing thoughts, too many “feels.” There, that explains it…too much brain crap leads to brain shut down (how’s that for a concise psychological explanation?).

As a matter of fact, now that I analyze it, quite a bit of my past behavior from being abused is surfacing. While I’ve always had problems with self-doubt and negative thinking, it’s been particularly overwhelming. The quantity and quality of trash talking I’ve been doing to myself is horrific. If I heard someone speaking this way to another person, I’d probably yell at them to knock it off. Everything I do is wrong, everything I say is wrong, everything I think is wrong, everything I write is wrong. I was at the point of cancelling my trip next week because I was absolutely certain my daughter and grandchildren did not want to see me. I mean, really, why would they want to spend time with a blithering idiot? I’m sure my daughter has enough stress in her life without having to deal with me for six days. Not to mention my grandsons…Greg is the fun one, not me. Ugh, see what I mean? STFU, Sheri!

In spite of all this, there’s a tiny and weak little voice trying to be heard above the din of negativity “You can do this, I know you can.”


Tagged: bipolar disorder, detox, medications-psychiatric, PTSD

Writing is Good for my Soul

Pictureimage – pixabay

I have Word open because I think I should write. I’ve begged off most of my commitments for the day, save one, but it’s not until 3:00 p.m. All I have to do then is pick up my daughter from school and drive her to work. I can handle that. I don’t need to shower for this command performance. I don’t even need to fix my hair. I can just throw on a pair of sweat pants and a sweat shirt and I’m good to go. I can leave the house via the garage so no one will see me.

So, for now I have no obligations. The house is empty. So I write. Or at least I try to write. I haven’t written in some time. It can be intimidating staring at the blank page wondering what to write about. Do I choose a topic? Or do I just write about my life? Who am I writing for? Now there’s the question. Who am I writing for?

In the beginning, I think I was mostly writing to provide information about bipolar disorder, and offer support for others suffering from this illness. But somewhere along the way I started feeling pressure to write. Pressure to provide valuable insight on a weekly basis. That lasted for about a year. It became challenging to unearth a new topic—something people would be interested in. I just couldn’t keep up that pace and still pump out solid content. So, instead, I noticed I began to write more personal blog posts.

I started to write about my life. My personal experiences. I didn’t hold back. It appears this was well-received. I appreciated all the positive feedback about my posts. I was encouraged. So now the format of my blog has somewhat changed but I hope that I still offer some insight into life with bipolar disorder. I hope my words can help others relate. And I hope to reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness.

All that being said, I hope to continue to write for another reason. When I finally sit down and take on that blank page, I’m always glad I did. I always feel good after I write. It’s very cathartic. It’s relaxing for me and provides an outlet where I can express what’s going on with me, or talk about something I’ve been thinking about or encountered. But writing is a discipline. And I don’t like being disciplined. At least not now. Hence the length of time between recent posts. But I have to admit that, for me, writing is therapeutic.

I’ve been in somewhat of a difficult place lately. I’ve been fighting depression. This is a particularly seasonal depression for me. Something that I’ve battled with for years. In an effort to be proactive, my psychiatrist prescribed light therapy and added a natural supplement with mood stabilizing effects to my medication regime. As well, he is now changing one anti-psychotic drug and introducing another—one that has more sleep and anxiety aid. That’s all well and good but it spells one thing—a medication change. That’s always a tough job.

When you’re depressed it’s so hard to do the very things that can help you. Like showering, getting dressed, leaving the house. I have days where that doesn’t happen. Today is almost one of those days. It’s trying to keep the balance between staying in and re-charging, and pushing myself to do things. I’ve been trying to combat my depression by keeping busy. I’m up at 8:00 a.m. to do my light therapy for half an hour. That leaves me with a lot of hours to fill in a day. I spend a lot of time chatting to people on my phone and of course can lose countless hours on social media. But, more importantly, I’m getting out of the house. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep it up, but for now I try to pass the hours with shopping, yoga, line dancing, visiting friends and spending time with my mom. All things good for my soul. Which brings me back to writing, it always comes back to writing—it’s good for my soul.

Anxiety, jou Bliksem!

Originally posted on Yve's Corner:
“Anxiety, you Bastard!” Loosely translated, the Afrikaans word, “bliksem” is a bastard. According to the list of Afrikanserims on Wiki: bliksem – strike, hit,…

Anxiety, jou Bliksem!

“Anxiety, you Bastard!” Loosely translated, the Afrikaans word, “bliksem” is a bastard. According to the list of Afrikanserims on Wiki: bliksem – strike, hit, punch; also used as an expression of surprise/emphasis. It derives from the Dutch word for “lightning”, and often occurs in conjunction with donner. Used as a curse in Afrikaans: “Jou bliksem!” (You […]

Anxiety, jou Bliksem!

“Anxiety, you Bastard!” Loosely translated, the Afrikaans word, “bliksem” is a bastard. According to the list of Afrikanserims on Wiki: bliksem – strike, hit, punch; also used as an expression of surprise/emphasis. It derives from the Dutch word for “lightning”, and often occurs in conjunction with donner. Used as a curse in Afrikaans: “Jou bliksem!” (You […]

One After Another

Another good day with lots accomplished.  We shopped and wrapped final presents today except for what we’re waiting to be shipped.  My oldest daughter’s peanut butter balls turned out to be delicious, and me and the youngest made cookies for her school Christmas party tomorrow.  Now we’re winding down. I only slept in a little while this morning and got my hair done early so that left the rest of the day to get things accomplished.

Tomorrow I go and get my final shot for school and have to get that sent in as soon as possible. I want to be able to go on with school without worrying about this anymore.  Hopefully I can go early and get it over with.  But then it will be behind me and over with.

Anyway. I love feeling this way.  I hope it lasts through the holidays and the whole  spring season, too.  Is that too much to ask?  I don’t think so.  I serve a big God who can accomplish anything with his mighty right hand.  I’m going to take each day as it comes and have joy in it.  That’s my New Year’s Resolution that I’m going to start implementing as soon as possible.  WIsh me well in this endeavor–I have temperament and biology conspiring against me in it.  But if God be for us, who can be against us?


Self-Soothe First Aid Kit

Last year, when I noted that you are Never Too Old for Crayola, I talked about the therapy assignment to create a self-soothe first aid kit.  When I was adding a few items to it today, I realized that I never shared a picture, so here are the contents of my kit: Small knit swatches […]