Sleep what off, you may ask. A drinking binge? A bout of cold/flu?
Nope. I was sleeping off my exhaustion from…sleeping. Yep, welcome to my fucked up corner of the world. I took 1mg xanax last night and six mg melatonin and I just fucking took up in fort blankie and let the cesspool world melt away. I was up several times, as usual, but even while awake, I made myself stay in bed. No wandering, no getting up to smoke, no fetching more water so I can pee ten more times an hour…
I thought this morning I’d be recharged.
Ha. I got my kid to school, came home, and curled back up in fort blankie and…went back to sleep. It wasn’t the solid restorative sleep needed, more an in and out vaguely aware of the background noise sleep..But I slept. I slept through an auto messg from the school, through a text or two, I just slept.
I woke around 12:30 and of course, the sloth guilt kicked in. But it proved one thing to me.
I think my meds are what have the anxiety kicked up so high. Because I skipped them all but Xanax for two days, the paranoia and anxiety went down, I was able to sleep more, and I am not jumping at every sound.
The downside of course is that I am as listless as a corpse but still…
I honestly believe the high dose Cymbalta and the prozac combo added with Focalin may well be what has me crawling out of my skin. That level of anxiety is not my baseline, more an anomaly, so it would make sense.
Thing is, I can’t quit any of those cold turkey unless I basically want to kill myself with withdrawal. And I can’t technically quit them without doc permission anyway.
I just think the culprit has been identified and sadly…dual anti depressant therapy was MY idea.
It makes zero sense since all their propaganda claims anti depressants lower anxiety.
It makes me even more determined, though, to bully him into viewing my records from 06-08 when I was on 900mg Lithium, 100 mg Lithium, no anti depressants. It didn’t cure the depression, but it kept me focused, able to function and writing. Maybe that listless state is my future. It can’t suck worse than this hot wired state I’ve been in for months now. I thought it was just extra energy.
Now I think I’m so hopped up on these things it’s canceling out the xanax.
He wanted me on fewer drugs. I want me on fewer drugs.
So why do I get the feeling I am still gonna have to wield a barbwire shovel to get him to listen to me?
Maybe I am full of shit, I don’t know.
But I think at least weaning to lower dosages on the anti depressants for now may be the way to go. I don’t ever advise anyone to do that, but when you get shit mental health care, sometimes you’re all you’ve got, whether it works out or goes to shit. (Anyway, this is a blog, not an advice site- if I had any good advice I’d give it to myself and shut the fuck up.)
But, yeah…sleep. I slept. A lot. And it’s almost time to go get my kid from the chaos and I am so lethargic I don’t even feel nervous. I want to go back to sleep.
I heard something on a tv show the other day that pertained to grieving but I think it applies to depression as well…
“Maybe you’re sad and depressed because you’re protecting yourself for what you are going to have to face…You’re not wasting time, you’re conserving energy for when you need it most.”