Daily Archives: December 5, 2015

They Love Me, They Really Love Me!

Well, despite all my shit-talking about my parents, when push comes to shove I have to say they really love me.  This week, they busted out their Southwest Airlines points and bought me a plane ticket to Florida for Christmas!  YESSSSSSS!!!  Florida for Christmas AND I get to miss any potential dramatic Christmas screaming match at the ol’ homestead!  I am cookin’ with gas now, my friends!  Just two short weeks, and I will be out of the Colorado cold and basking in the delicious rays of the Florida sunshine.  Can you say gratitude???  Oh I am so excited….just when I thought I couldn’t bear another fucking winter day here, I have something to hold on to.  Floridaaaaaaa…..

Hope you have a bang-up weekend, peeps!  I am off to try to hike off more of these Clozapine pounds.  Ten down, twenty more to go!  It’s a bitch, but so far, they haven’t invented an app to do it for me.  So long for now….

Filed under: Bipolar, I live for sun and heat, I love the sun, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

clozapine encounters of the third kind

The first question I ask on being offered a new approach to palliative care for bipolar disorder, is can it be found in a cool context (academic, historical and or popular for preference)? I did some sensible reading too, especially around its use as monotherapy, which is where I’m at. It passes muster as an … Continue reading clozapine encounters of the third kind

Alternative Modalities


Integrative medicine, holistic health, aromatherapy, accupuncture, energy healing, Reiki, meditation, mindfulness, biofeedback – these are some alternative modalities effectively used in both physical and mental health. When asked on both Thursday and Friday, by my therapist and psychiatrist what medication had been most helpful to me over the past 40 years, I had to say none of them. The absolutely most helpful thing I ever did was when I had Healing Touch treatments from Jill Zimmerman at Alpha Healing Arts. The funny thing is, when I met her I outright told her that if it wasn’t scientifically or logically provable, then I felt she was wasting both her time and mine (or something to that effect). Besides, I was in such bad shape, and absolutely nothing had worked, why would something a skeptic atheist couldn’t even fathom be helpful?

Jill took me up on the challenge, and I was absolutely blown away. During the time I was receiving these treatments, I learned so much that when I was no longer able to continue I knew enough to help myself. But aye, there’s the rub…I don’t know about you, but when I’m severely depressed self-care is at the bottom of my to-do list. I kept it up for a while, and over the few years (has it been that long?) since I stopped going, she has kindly helped me from a distance (yes, that works too). Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough. I’m the kind of person that needs someone to poke me on a regular basis and say “Hey, did you do this today/this week/this month?” Or I need someone to whom I can take my lazy ass, who will sit with me and remind me what I need to do. And I need this now, badly.

Fortunately, I have a wonderful psychiatrist who actually listens to me. He recognizes that I’m one of “those” people for whom medication may not be the complete answer. It’s possible that something on a very low dose or on an as-needed basis will be utilized, but I need to get through December (almost done!) as well as this detox before we make any decisions. My psychiatrist agrees that now, more than ever, I need to get back into regular exercise of my mind as well as my body.

In a previous post, I mentioned I was looking for the secret to bliss. One of my followers, Mike Evans (who has opened my eyes to other ways of looking at my illness), brought to mind what I was telling my mental health team. I know I already said this, but it’s worth repeating – I was at my best when I was holistically taking care of myself. In a week I’m going to a yoga workshop with Explorer Yoga, but meanwhile I need to focus on self-care (and get to the pharmacy today to pick up my estrogen…that’s all I need, to run out of estrogen!).

I know how to do these things, I know who to ask for help, I can do this.

Tagged: alternative medicine, alternative therapies, energy healing, healing touch, holistic medicine, meditation, mindfulness, self-care

Happy Caturday- Sleep Disturbance Version

I crashed around 2 a.m. Woke about six times. Because I am trying to do the six to eight glasses of water a day to see if it is actually beneficial. Turns out…It just makes me pee every half hour. So it’s 5 a.m. and I am awake and not amused. Cos if I wasn’t battling the bladder, I had Chaos on me, literally gnawing on my face. I don’t mean viciously. But she is one of those cats that is apparently hooked on salty human skin flavor and a cat’s tongue is like a fucking Brillo pad…Not a pleasant way to waken. Especially when she’s nibbling me eyebrow and chin, purring at a thousand decibels, and relentless. I hid my face under the covers and she still burrowed under to get at my flesh, ffs.

And not to be ignored, Mr. Feetish insisted on laying as close to my face as possible so I couldn’t breathe. I flipped over away from him and he decided to lay on my head.

See, I’d close the bedroom door but oh, wait, I can’t. Because when whatever jackass broke in three years ago and stole the TV and my laptop busted the door that connects my bedroom to the bathroom so there’s just a curtain there and while not Mensa members…the cats have that figured out. There’s no escaping kid or cats here. Though Spook is on night three of sleeping in her own bed so apparently…miracles happen.

Without further ado…A pic to celebrate Caturday.

A nerdy guy with pocket purrtectors.

pocket purrtectors

Itty bitty kitt-ehs…Omg…My Kryptonite….Oh I wanna take them and hug them and name them George…

Oh, and a little context for that one. Going retro cos how I miss my Saturday morning cartoons (and cereal with toys inside!)


Negative Symptoms


This is a graphic for negative (meaning things that are absent or missing, such as affect, pleasure, speaking, and activity) symptoms of schizophrenia, but these very symptoms are also present in the depressive phase of bipolar disorder. And these can also be erroneously attributed to laziness, “just not trying enough”, or unwillingness, but they are due to illness.

Footed Pajama Night

YEP. I am 42 years old and I am wearing footed zip up jammies in sky blue with a white sheep print all over them. Sexy? No. Warm, cozy, and comforting? Hells, yeah.

Besides, my sister gave them to me, didn’t cost me a penny. If I were drunk, I’d wear ’em to Wal-mart in hopes of securing a spot on that peopleofwalmart website.

So the noisy maintenance continued until damn near 7 p.m. Best I can tell, people are moving in. Or the prior tenants left so much behind they’re using a Uhaul to get rid of it. I just want the noise to fucking cease and desist. Five solid days, for fuck’s sake. I always hate getting new neighbors. They usually either play their music too loud for ten straight hours or have three or four dogs barking the entire night while they scream at each other and the cops show up. Damn it.

Today’s anxiety makes me want that hubcab sized Valium salt lick. Yeah, I functioned, eventually. But the anxiety never really did let up so what does functionality count for if you’re still battling the “skeleton crawling out of the skin” feeling? I spent all day waiting for some nasty message from R about me not being there already. Well, sorry, but I couldn’t bring myself to go there. After 20 years and seeing me puke over the side of a gambling boat cos my anxiety is so bad, you would think he’d finally grasp it. He does not. i live in fear of his attacks against my neuroses. I don’t think I would if it cut both ways. But noooo, his fear of heights is legit and doesn’t need to be beat. I have fucking panic and anxiety disorders and I should get over it. PLAY FUCKING FAIR, FUCKSNARTS.

Still…when he texted tonight, sending me a picture and declaring his fear he has pink eye…I put my pajama’d kid in the car and went over there. He couldn’t see much cos his eyes were so puffy. His loving family was yelling at him via phone to go the doctor BUT stay the hell away from them until he’s no longer contagious. He’s been sick all week with the coldbola, now this. I felt bad for him.

And that’s when it became crystal clear that I don’t do this shit for him, for smokes, none of that shit. THIS is just who I am. I am decent. I am compassionate and empathetic whether you deserve it or not. Besides, after two weeks of getting my ass kicked by a multitude of ailments…Paying it forward, as his wife’s up north at her daughter’s for the weekend. Now that he’s potentially contagious, they’re shunning him…Yeah, it’s less about him, even though I admit he’s been there for me a lot more than half my damned family..This is about me being who I am. I have marshmallow center and it’s not optimal because it can be used against me but…it is what it is.

Main reason I was compelled to go was, he had eye drops for treatment but long as I’ve known the man, he cannot put in eyedrops. It was a comical scene watching him test out contact lenses. That last about two days and he went back to his glasses. So Spook and I went over and I put his eye drops in for him. Cos I am decent, in spite of my misanthropy and sarcastic humor and bluntness. I can’t stop being me and sink to the uncaring level of others. It’s not me.

Besides, I am a freak. When I was sick  the last thing I wanted was anyone near me. He offered several times to get me anything I needed, meds, 7-up, soup. I’m just not a graceful sick person, I wanna be left alone in my misery in my blankie fort. Of course, not everyone is like me and he needed a friend so…There I was. I’ll hate myself next time he does something to hurt me or piss me off but again…This is me, I can’t be anyone else.

I told him to keep me posted and if it’s worse come morning, call me and I’ll give him a ride out to promptcare. (I can’t fathom driving with both eyes puffed up like beet red golfballs, can you?)

Other than that we have no plans for the weekend except…Um mommy getting her shit together for housework type stuff. And I’m not even all that worried about it. The Uzi fire noise to my central nervous system all week and the weather affecting my moods and functionality has lead me to a place where I feel entitled to some “broccoli” (vegetation) time.

Methinks it may be time for my footed jammy self to crawl beneath vanilla bean blankie and call it a  night. Oh, how I wish I had the clarity and energy to write. I want to write so desperately. I need my fiction soup, my soul is on life support now…But since my mom declined to babysit tonight (and it’s my own fault for letting it slip that Spook got violent and hit and scratched me when I wouldn’t let her use the tablet, for the first time mom actually sided with me on the “no reward for bad behavior thing”) I am gonna be home all weekend at the mercy of Bratzilla and Melissa the ghost girl. Who is apparently now mute and can’t speak which is why she won’t talk to me.

I blame myself for starting the whole ghost/haunted thing. Six years ago I had an electronic tealight candle that was turned off but it kept flickering on. So I got cute and declared we had a ghost named “Eggar” (after the Vincent D’nofrio character in Men In Black) so now…my daughter has adopted a ghost friend.

I am soo gonna be leader of the PTA one day.

And by PTA I mean, Psychotic Traumatizing Association.

I rock the casbah that way.

Niters from me, the pajama sheep print, and my warm cozy footed jammied toes. I may feel like a toddler but ya know what…

Comfort rules. And these things are less grotesque than muumuus.


I Am A Sadistic!

I always liked the word “sadistic” more than “statistic”.  Bet you can guess which one I really am?  Yes I lost my health insurance.  Along with fifty-six sabazillion others.  Yes I looked that up.  I am still in shock.  Thank Jeebus I got to the bank in time to stop payment on my latest whopper of an insurance payment before the check got cashed!  That eighteen months of COBRA flew by.  Now, I’m fuckerooded!  I will start my serious search for new benefits on Monday.  All adultish & shit.  Thanks for your well-wishes, they mean a lot.   Peach out homies!

Filed under: Bipolar, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Bipolar, Hope, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader, Humor, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Hi out there!

Don’t have a lot to share, but miss you guys. Spent the day crying pretty hysterically, then realized I had forgotten my morning meds. Gee!

Thanksgiving went well and my three kids actually helped decorate the house for Christmas. It really looks nice. I don’t know what I could have done without the kids helping.

I’m struggling to get off of the couch this week, but I absolutely need to get up tomorrow. I promised my daughter to shop with her. Sunday is church and Monday is women’s group. Tuesday we are going on an easy hike. Wednesday is the endocrinologist. Friday night is the work party. I hate work parties, but can’t really let my husband go alone.

Does anyone remember my tables where I checked things off as I did them? I think I might start that again so I can focus and at least get some things done.

That is the news for now. I am still in a hole and I am praying to get out. It is hell down here.

My friend is publishing her book in a couple of weeks or so. I am going to write a review for her. I’m really proud that she got it published, but she is just high from it all. I feel so low and she feels so high. I am better with my low friends. What is that song? “I’ve got friends in low places…”?

Anyway, love to all of you. If you are new to this blog, I would run away quickly!






Finally Done

I uploaded the final portfolio today for my Writing for New Media class.  I hope they all go over well  with my instructor.  I dont’ feel good about one of them because I discovered that photos I thought I had taken were not on my computer when it came time to upload the project.  So it’s not all I wanted it to be, and I’m disappointed in myself for not checking it out more thoroughly   before I left from where I was photographing. But hopefully the other projects can pick up its slack.

One daughter is in a Christmas parade and another at dance practice.  It’s been a long day.  I’ve tried to stay awake more than I have been doing without accomplishing very much.  So I’ve been a little bored.

I’m having trouble with Christmas spirit so far.  Both me and BOb are having trouble.  I think it’s because the kids are so much older now.  It’s not as much fun.  We’ve got a few shopping days scheduled, so hopefully our spirits will pick up by then.  I think decorating the houe this weekend will help, too.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!