Daily Archives: November 25, 2015

I’m An Agoraphobic

I’ve been what I call broken for a very long time. However I have peeks of sun through the clouds and am able to muster the courage to step outside of my home and live life.

When we decided to move back to Omaha from California something remarkable happened. I started going out to the beaches, museums and parks (not theme parks). I felt like a normal person for a change and as I did more and more the anxiety started to become part of the foreground. When we got back to Omaha this continued for a while. Restaurants were a breeze. Shopping, hell ya.. Anything seemed possible.

Once we moved into our house I stopped going out less and less and now even the thought of going to my mother in laws is stressful. We have to go there tomorrow and I’m going no matter how afraid I am.

The thing is I don’t want to be this way but just taking a step outside creates anxiety. I try to walk to the mailbox which is about half a block away so I am not a complete shut in. I go to walk-in clinics for my problems because they are open at night and are typically pretty empty.

The night comforts me. It’s like a mask over everything I’m afraid of.

What am I afraid of, I don’t really know anymore. I just know that I am afraid all the time now.

Time to start exposure therapy again. Maybe this time it will stick. One step at a time…

John Green Rocks

Almost Gone

Just about packed up and ready to go out of town. Made a run to the drug store to make sure I had enough of all my meds.    Don’t want to lose it over the weekend at any point.  So here’s hoping for a nice relaxing weekend.  Won’t be posting while I’m gone because I”ll be away from internet.  But I’ll be back on track Monday.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!



I have Cramps and a set of Ginsu Knives…what did you want to say?

I would be really pissy about being awake before 8 when I could have slept in while the kid is at grandma’s…It would be greedy, though. I literally spent all of yesterday in bed minus a few minimal upright moments. I didn’t think it got worse than flubola ’15. Least during that I tried to sit up and I did have the laptop open to watch stuff. Oh, no, yesterday that didn’t even happen. The laptop went unused for the first time in a year for over 27 hours, it’s so cold, it has icicles growing from it. How shitty must one feel not to use their beloved laptop or chain smoke?

I slept yesterday. That’s pretty much it and in a way I feel guilty and slothful and yet…it’s this nifty thing I inherited from my paternal grandmother’s side. Periods so bad you spend time in bed. And my grandma was a mean workhorse so if it took her down, I’m lucky to still be breathing being a wuss and all. I’m still not sure where all the shivering then flashing hot ties in with it, but yesterday was a living hell. I didn’t sleep more than a couple of hours at a time, mind you, but when I say I spent the day in bed…I mean, literally. I took out trash, had to open a bag of cat food for the vermin. I tried to eat but the food tasted liked like raw sewage. Sleep seemed my safest bet. Especially in fort blankie with no fewer than four purring kitties on my pillows. That’s comforting. Except for Chaos who likes to nibble my face, that’s a wee  bit disturbing.

I don’t feel as  bad today, meaning the pain has settled into my spine and stomach rather than radiating madly. I am sitting upright in my desk chair, making an effort not to dive back under the covers. Which is what I wanna do, I am so sick of dealing with this ordeal every month. Between this for a week and bipolar and depression, it really isn’t a mystery why I am unstable except to the medical professionals who apparently missed connect the dots class. DERP. I have messages from R on my phone and I can’t be bothered. No doubt he’s gone venomous about me “ignoring” him. Never mind I tried to talk to him the other night but he was in a bad mood and his tone kind of brought on project hormonal tearstorm so he basically said “Nope” and walked out angrily. Yeah. He can treat me like that but if I avoid him until I am more  solid then I am the monster.

Catch fucking 22. And while a day or two from now when I solidify and the tears and pain die down, I may panic and think, omg, I’ve offended the person I need to get me smokes… Right now, it doesn’t fucking matter. He does this every fucking time i have a hard cycle, as overflowing hormones resulting in tears are a personal affront to him and I do it for fun. Cos it’s not embarrassing or demeaning at all, I looove having an audience for it. I’d rather shove bamboo under my nails than have a teary breakdown in front of man like him. Fuck. One more mess to clean up when in fact if he were a decent human being, he’d be apologizing to me for being so cold and rude.

Is that unreasonable? I don’t have any fucking idea, I am so off my nut right now.

Now some may say, “Morgue, this is an icky topic even for women, why would you talk about it so openly when you have male readers and it might gross them out and run them off?”

Simplest answer- education cures ignorance. I get so sick of men being allowed the “oh, gross, period talk, that’s a girl thing” excuse. Unless you’re a gay man, then you will inevitably deal with period talk cos it is a girl thing and you like girls. And believe it or not, men end up having daughters, who are girls, and period talk is involved. SO FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, STOP WITH THE PMS JOKES UNLESS YOU ARE A WOMAN! This is not fun, this is not “ooh, I get a week of free bitchery cos I have cramps.” This for some of us is hell on earth, every single month, and instead of mockery we could use someone of the male ilk with a damned brain and heart who can grasp that this shit sucks.

Throw in the bipolar shit and we should be awarded medals for each cycle we don’t slaughter someone. It’s like being possessed, for fuck’s sake. I don’t do random crying. I’m angry and sarcastic and I DO NOT JUST BURST INTO TEARS COS SOMEONE’S TONE WAS TOO MEAN. And yet here it is…Hormones. Chemicals.

So whoever it is that wanted to ask who lit the fuse on my tampon (teee heee)….I have a set of Ginsu knives. What did you wanna say?


Broken minds need community care

Source: One in three South Africans will be affected by a mental illness in their lifetime, according to the South African Stress and Health Study published in the South African […]

heavy heart full of pain

Laura P. Schulman, MD, MA:

My friend here has (fortunately and unfortunately) captured what I feel when I’m profoundly depressed. I wonder if it’s like that for everybody. How about you? Can you share? I feel like sharing our experience of our illnesses is empowering. One of the signatures of depression is isolating oneself, or being alone in a crowd. If you feel like having a conversation about this, I think it might be helpful to a lot of people.

Originally posted on midnightdemons7:

Heavy heart full of pain

I have been in a funk the past few hours. I thought it was because I didn’t eat for several hours but I had dinner and my heart sunk lower than it did before eating. I feel really miserable. I just feel really depressed and I don’t know why. That is the hardest part of dealing with this illness. It just takes so much just to go from a to b. I did a lot today but I still feel like I am useless. I feel like I have no purpose. I texted my therapist to tell me it is worth one’s while to live, but I haven’t heard back. I honestly don’t expect a response. She probably will give me a response tomorrow.

I just feel like my heart can’t take any more pain that I am feeling. It is getting to be unbearable…

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Blankie fort,Jaws version

I have been hit with a grueling day one of shark week. I am currently in 12 straight hours of fort blankie. I have only had eight smokes the whole day. Mostly I have been shivering, doubled over in cramps and have napped most of the day. To top it off my hormonal weepiness and inability to snap out of it has me on Rs shitlist. Yay.
Least my kid is sleeping at grandma’s so I can wallow in fort blankie guilt free.
This is some fucked up karma. Last shark week was mild. I am paying for it now. Will rant more later. Hate typing on this droid. But I have been in such misery I haven’t even opened the laptop since last night.
I am gonna resume project blankie fort now and pray to the pegacorn the fucking Tylenol kicks in before my spine snaps. Yeah those kind of cramps.
Joy joy crampy crampy.