Hope: to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true; archaic: trust

Did I really produce this picture? Did this actually come out of my brain? Because I cannot remember the last time I actually felt hopeful. Does that make me hopeless?

My therapist recently asked me “What do you hope for?” My answer was “Nothing.” She looked at me oddly, “Do you mean you have no hope?” “Exactly.”

For many years during my lifetime I hoped for something from myself, employers, family, friends, lovers, life. The majority of the time, what I hoped for didn’t happen…so I stopped hoping. It’s interesting that the archaic definition is “trust.” Trust in whom? Trust in what? Nope, don’t have much of that either.

There are a multitude of positive and uplifting quotes to be found all over the interwebs (I typed “hope” into my search engine: “About 1,790,000,000 results.” My timeline is inundated daily with hopeful memes. Sometimes I just want to scream at the computer “Lies!” Sometimes I cry and sometimes hope tries to wheedle it’s way in to my brain.

There are times when I catch myself feeling hopeful, then I think “Oh yeah, that again. Sorry but no, not today.”

Tagged: depression, hopeless, mental illness

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