I love making my annual Winter Solstice cards—no matter what else happens to be going on.
Dulce et Decorum Est Wilfred Owen, 1893 – 1918 Bent double, like old beggars under sacks, Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge, Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs And towards our distant rest began to trudge. Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots But limped on, blood-shod. All went […]
JusI found out that I have to get a second MMR immunization to continue going to school ONLINE. Ridiculous. I got my childhood shots to go to school and there wasn’t a 2-shot requirement for MMR back then. There is one now. SO after jumping through hoops to get my original shot record, now I have to jump through hoops to get a second shot. For an ONLINE program. Again, ridiculous. But it must be done so I’m going tomorrow or Thursday to do it so I have it turned in by Christmas. Insane.
In other news my youngest daughter is getting better from her sinus infection. We’re hoping she’ll be all right by this weekend. Bob goes off on his little alone trip on Friday so I have the younger girls to myself Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. We’re going to go see my parents on Saturday all day since they haven’t’ seen the girls in a while, and Sunday we’ll go to church and be back waiting for Bob to come home. I think it’ll be an easy weekend. We will see,
Bob is worried that my new medicine isn’t working as well as we had hoped. I don’t’ know what to tell him. I feel better and I’m doing more, but he doesn’t see it that way. So I called my doctor to see if I need to increase the dosage or what. So there is uncertainty on that front.
You fight the demons of the mind, the demons of the flesh
Daily, every morning, you wake up in a nightmare… burning, jagged, screaming, hellish thoughts
Daily, every morning, you take a deep breath, gulp in air
You douse the flames with the sweet spring water of your tears, you smooth the sharp edges of boulders with emery boards, your thudding heart drowns out the cacophony of fear
You ask the earth to go back into the path it orbited last night, you ask the world for some peace and quiet, just a tiny bit from its stores, do they still exist?
Every day, this is how it is, everyday, the nightmares seem more real than my comforter, my sheets, which I want to engulf me and hide and be nevermore
By the time the afternoon comes, the wraiths, the ghosts, the demons have evaporated
I am allowed half a normal day, by the time night time arrives, I am fully back to myself again, no fears, no horrors, just me, smiling and laughing
I look back at the day and wonder what was all that? But it happens again the next morning
They call it anxiety. Why every morning? How to explain this to anyone?
Some days I am lucky, oh so lucky, and the battalion of doom doesn’t turn up at my door
Those are the days I live for, aaaah the normal days, just the days without fear, doubt, misgivings, just peaceful days, quiet days, just days
Bravery? Yes, I have more strength than I ever thought I possessed. Unfair, yes, but who has time for the measuring, the weighing, the quantifying whose life is fair and whose is not
I’m back for an update.
I’m suffering with terrible anxiety. This is a new problem for me. I wonder if it could be the Abilify. But since Abilify has helped me the most, I hate to jiggle with it.
My anxiety falls into some categories. The first one is my kids getting in a car wreck or getting pulled over and shot by the police. Uh, a little ridiculous right? I also have a fear they will get a DUI even though we have emphasized NO drinking and driving. Not even one drink. We find a designated driver or offer to pick everyone up at the bar.
None of my kids are big drinkers that I know of. They will drink beer or wine at home if they are not going out. I have no way of knowing what goes on in bars with them. But if they get arrested it won’t be for lack of talking about it on our part.
The worst part of this is they are 27, 24, and 21 years old. Old enough to make their own decisions.
Another anxiety I have is my youngest getting on drugs. I have no reason to think that, but who knows what he is doing at friends’ houses. But I am also glad he has friends to go see.
My health anxiety is probably the worst. I have a case of hyperparathyroidism. (I have no idea if that is spelled correctly or not.) It’s barely in that zone according to blood tests. But I have to see an endocrinologist in a month. I will likely panic and cry at the office. I just can’t deal with new doctors.
I also have driving anxiety. I have a “zone” I will drive in but no freeway. This is so ridiculous. I am scared to change lanes and make left turns. And parking. I don’t want to back into anyone.
On the good news front, I have been walking at least five times a week for about 30-35 minutes. I hope to build this up and go on some flat hikes.
I have lost about five pounds. I don’t know if this thyroid problem can affect that or not, but I am eating pretty well and honestly and am still not losing what I’d like.
Just to let you know I am taking Abilify, Wellbutrin, perphenazine, Lamictal, and Klonopin for the anxiety.
Quilting is going well. Sometimes I get overwhelmed but I basically like it. I have a crib or baby quilt going and have the top part done. Next comes borders, batting, backing, quilting, and binding. I’d like to make a quilt I can actually use as these first one as small, but don’t know if I am ready or not.
I was proud of myself at church Sunday. They had a picnic after church. I brought potato salad and stayed to have a hamburger and eat. That’s like a regular person would do.
I also volunteered to help with mission projects. My husband can do most of this if I get too sick or tired. It’s mostly driving around delivering donations.
My days are a little empty. On Sunday we go to church. Monday afternoon is my Christian women’s group. Tuesday is nothing. Wednesday is quilting in the morning. Thursday and Friday are nothing. Saturday we go to garage sales and drive around. We have found some good finds out there. I do walk most days. In between all this I see some friends.
I feel a little useless. At 56, my life is racing by and I am doing little. Bipolar is hell.
Thanksgiving will be at our house. I have a friend and her kids coming, and my husband’s cousin and his wife. So maybe ten or so people. Not big. My daughter will help with more of the cooking this year.
If you have a moment, please leave a comment. I miss you guys and would love to hear how you are doing.
What is flubolapoisoning? I have NO idea. But it’s the best explanation I have for the last six days of absolute physical misery. Once the puking passed, I thought I was all cured so I ate pizza. Not good. I got sick all over again, with what I assumed was the “stomach” part of the stomach flu. Except it was all stomach agony coming in waves, like a sabertooth pegacorn impaled the center of my gut but sealed me up and left me bleeding inside. Okay, drama, it was more like an excrutiating gas bubble that wouldn’t burst but still…It kept me from posting, it kept me from doing pretty much everything that wasn’t bare minimum. I barely left bed all weekend. I mean, I took care of my kid and cats and all but sitting up and moving were too painful and I couldn’t eat cos it made the pain worse…Suckage. Meanwhile, R keeps texting, seeming genuinely concerned, which I appreciate, cos in the event of ebola or some catastrophic illness, he and his wife will be my first call, not my useless family. But then at 11:30 last night came the text that said it all. Wording was right, but message was clear. Get well and serve my needs ASAP. Whatevs.
I am feeling 80% better today. Yesterday I was so hungry after eating only saltines for two days, I braved bland vanilla ice cream. It stuck and it soothed. So I got very brave and had tv dinner for supper. It, too, stuck. Woke up this morning in a fraction of discomfort compared to the last few days. I didn’t exactly leap out of bed, I snoozed til 7:15 actually. But I put on pants I hadn’t slept in and I took my kid to school and then braved the Mickey D’s drive through for a sweet tea. And to my shock, the car in front of me paid for it and I have no idea why. I didn’t recognize their car. Kind act, tis the season? Extra change?Or charity cos they see I’m driving a 1988 with a bashed in fender? Who knows. It was a random act of kindness where I thought few existed. I am winning the humanity/fates lottery here.
See, another wondermous thing occurred this morning. My cat Willow, who abandoned us months ago, to live outside or with a neighbor…and today she was on the step. I was so happy to see her alive and well and looking healthy. She didn’t want back in, she wanted fed, and I respect that. After all the feline death this year…It’s so awesome that Willow is well and she came back to where she knows at least she will be fed. And spoiled with milk and cheese.
The third excellent thing of the day (and it’s only 1o a.m.!~) is that my winter assistance for power/heat was granted so I probably won’t have a power bill til January! I can put the sticker on the car and buy my kid’s Christmas without having to do the charity route. Not that there’s anything wrong with Toys for Tots and all. I’d just prefer to do it myself if I can and leave the charity for kids who are truly in need. Aside from something Frozen *die elsa die already* and some chochtkys, my kid is fine. We always have food. We have shelter and now, warmth. (Thank you benefactor, but I am still gonna say people suck cos on a whole, most do. Just not wordpressers in the mental health community, except the sunshine spewers who suck their own rainbows…Um…where was I?)
But yeah, I am back and sassy as ever. It’s probably gonna be bumpy. I haven’t had my full dose of meds due to illness since last Tuesday so the prozac increase is gonna have to wait a bit. I don’t want to go back in full tilt and get that serotonin thing that kills me. I really tried to take the damn things but I couldn’t keep them down even during the non throwing up days. They’d just come back up. Why bother wasting good meds if they’re not gonna get absorbed, ya know?
In spite of my illness…We adopted a new kitten. I named her Chaos. She is a tabby whom my sister’s boss DUMPED and sis went and fetched her and the siblings and asked me if I’d take her. Sap that I am, I did. It was love at first bite. I was trying to choke down the meatballs my kid didn’t want from her spaghettios and sis showed up with the cat, well, the cat smelled food and attacked the sauce on my lips so I just surrendered the plate to her. She is so sweet and loving, I don’t think it was a bad decision to take her in. I know, I don’t need more cats. But I do need to feel soothed and kitties soothe me, so fuck it. I am down an outside cat now, anyway. Huckle hasn’t been seen in days and it worries me. I may call the pound later to see if one of my asshole neighbors had him picked up. Not sure where the hundred in bail money (adoption fees) will come from if he’s there but damn, he’s been here three years and he’s family. Fuckitall.
My kid has been doing a little better. Of course, I’ve had to come to the realization that…we’re not always gonna be besties or get along. I’m the parent, I have to be the bad guy. At the same time, I also have to stop digging my heels in as if this is a contest to see who is more stubborn. So I’ve been letting her have her fits and ignoring her because engaging makes it worse. It’s the attention she wants and even calmly trying to reason with her feeds the fit…So I send her to her room until she stops the fit. In return, I’ve been spending more time with her teaching her fun science facts. Okay, some are forensic and probably not appropriate for six year olds, but whatever. She loves to write things down and learn these facts and it tickles me to have an educational activity we can do together. Any parent can play a board game, throw a ball, or let a computer babysit. It takes a special ghoul of a mom to teach their kid that maggots can tell how long a person has been dead and that leeches remove dead tissue. I also teach her fun stuff about animals. Like 22 months gestation for momma elephants. What fresh hell is that for them???
I am missing the mark on some things with Spook. Like her reading. Since they put her in that “special” group she’s lost all interest and I haven’t really been pushing it like I should. And she’s always on about the other kids using the special sites the school has them on for studying and I don’t sign her up for such things because she can’t be trusted with electronics. I let her sit at my desk last week and next thing I know, three keys have “magically” popped off the keyboard of the laptop. No. “But my friends have ipads!” Whatevs. I’d planned on giving her the netbook but since it’s DOA…I’m not gonna let her trash my good stuff. I am gonna wait til R gives me some dinosaur laptop I don’t give a fuck about and let her have it. Until you take care of stuff, you don’t deserve it anyway. Call me a mean mom or anti education. Kids learned just fine long before everything was computerized. If the school deems it so necessary, they can pay for the damned device.
Spook is having a sleepover with Grandma tonight since there’s no school tomorrow. Or that’s the plan, mom said, “we’re looking at houses so that may be a problem.” Ugh, yes, they would move at the holidays, about their fucking speed. Meanwhile the whole week I was sick, I couldn’t even get one family member to watch her so I could rest or see a doctor. Nooo, I might be contagious thus making Spook contagious and then pass it to my mom’s sickly elderly roommate. Yeah, family matters with these people. Throw blood under the bus, stick to non relatives who do fuck all.
And my dad’s contribution…”Does Spook know how to get help if something happens to you?”
No offer of a break. Nope. Asshole family.
On an end note…Feeling jinxy and all after mentioning my bumper bump in traffic last week..And a couple of beloved readers have serious accidents. Not that I am all powerful and important but I feel rather petty complaining in light of that…Hope you both feel better, love to Leslie and Sass. <3
Now I think I am gonna watch Blindspot. Or Minority Report. Not sure. I am just happy that I’ve been sitting up for three hours now and not doubled over under the covers in grueling pain. Physical illness really makes you appreciate being healthy. You need all resources for the mental shit. And with the hellidays and missed meds, it’s gonna come for me. Not pessimism, just fact.
You may return to your previous broadcast.
When I was a lass lad kid, I read as much as possible about ancient and Romano-Britain. In many of the stories, ancient Britons of various tribes would preface thoughtful words with, “it is in my mind…” and you could feel the weight of it. I loved those stories, still do actually. I use those […]
Do ya know why they’re called the screen door shits?
Just once, I’d like to take a yoga class from a teacher with a fat ass.
If I had a dollar for every time I reminded my niece and nephew to say “please” and “thank you”, I’d make damn sure they were the two rudest little fuckers you ever saw.
When I’m in traffic, and I’m nice, and let you in to my lane, even though there’s no damn room, give me a fuckin’ wave. Or I will hit you.
Dr. Drugs, don’t have a long-ass appointment with me, and then at the very end write out a script for the wrong quantity, and when I tell you it’s too small a dose, say “JUST DO IT.” Because I won’t. And I’ll slash your tires. If I ever figure out what car you drive. And grow some balls.
Roommate a.k.a. Sister, don’t EVER start a sentence with “I’m gonna need you to…” You’ll guarantee a pissed off sister and bonus, total inaction.
Your peach, BPOF