Daily Archives: October 8, 2015

Even an Electron has Purpose

Even an Electron has Purpose

She closed her eyes. She paused. She took a deep breath, paused, meditated, waited to see where it would take her, where she would go, what she would feel.

She felt a great deep pain, a yearning, a desperate yearning, a deep desperate yearning. Just that afternoon she was thinking, daydreaming, imagining herself pontificating, preaching, orating, explaining that she knew, that she could feel that we are all connected and all a part of something bigger, something so huge, yet so small, that even an electron had purpose.

Now how had she gotten there? She spoke of purpose. Of how each of us no matter how small, even a single electron, has purpose for it is part of the greater whole.

And now she, a part, a supposed part, a supposedly purposeful part of this greater whole, she yearned communion with this other. She felt apart from it. She yearned it.

Filed under: Bipolar Disorder, Mindfulness, Mysticism, Theology, Vocation, Writing Tagged: meditation, physics, purpose

Lazy Day

I think I tried to overdo it yesterday and today. I went to the food pantry today and must have looked pretty whipped because they sent me home early and told me to rest.  So I did–I laid down and napped for  a while.    I did more laundry but was really slow about it.  I don’t know what’s wrong unless I’m a) still tired from the surgery or b)heading for another depressive episode.

(the computer keeps eating my text.  I don’t’ know how to stop it from doing it.)

Have a class conference tonight for my online class and we talk about nonlinear stories and what we turned in this week.  My professor liked it, so it was interesting to talk to him about it MOnday.  SO I’m looking forward to seeing what everyone else has to say.

Validated and It Feels So Good

When I first got the diagnosis of Bipolar, I felt two things. First, I was scared. I watched my mother suffer through the same thing for a long time and the disease scared the shit out of me. I did not want to go through that, and I did not know there were other options. […]

Validated and It Feels So Good

When I first got the diagnosis of Bipolar, I felt two things. First, I was scared. I watched my mother...

Broken Brain

Broken Brain

Brain broken
Do not remember
Must constantly relearn
Brain not functioning properly
Not functioning as it once did
Must constantly relearn
Damn, I hate bipolar disorder

Filed under: Bipolar Disorder, Dementia, Medication, Mental Illness Tagged: bipolar disorder, cognition, cognitive deterioration, memory, memory loss

An intelligent, responsible gun owner, Mark Carman: GUN OWNERS 2nd Amendment

In the video, he says: “This is responsible gun ownership, not gun control! Get guns away who shouldn’t have them. Screen people and make it illegal to sell firearms without a background check! ” And more sensible ideas for responsible gun ownership!

He has started a movement to have responsible gum ownership, please lets all get behind him and make this movement a success! ‪#‎NotOneMore‬

Here we go again! The positives of having bipolar d/o? Zip, zilch, nada, NONE!


People keep asking this idiotic question: What are the positives of having bipolar disorder? Seriously? One thing of which I am certain, no one with bipolar d/o would ask this question, I know this as surely as I sit here typing! How about asking a cancer patient who has been given a few months to live, and is puking their guts out from chemotherapy, how about asking them the positives of having cancer? Really? Bipolar d/o is an awful, very often terminal disease that takes over your life and tortures you! What exactly is positive about this? If people who have bipolar d/o are creative, they would still be so without this hellish illness. If people with bipolar d/o are empathetic, they would still be so without this awful illness. This is an illness, there is NOTHING positive about having it! For International Bipolar Foundation to ask this tired and insulting and patronizing question really gets my goat! http://www.ibpf.org/article/5-positives-living-bipolar-disorder-besides-creativity

What are they saying? Since this is a mental illness, we don’t need to take it seriously, so lets ask people what the positives are about having it? Really? What’s positive about staying in bed for days on end, crying and contemplating suicide? I mean organizations like International Bipolar Foundation are there to support and promote understanding of people with BPD, not ask idiotic, patronizing, dismissive questions like what are the positives of having an awful illness that can make you kill yourself. Just stop with this idiotic question, please just stop!

My answer on their post on FB: “There are NO positives of having this hellish disease! None. Such an idiotic question, would you ever ask a cancer patient what the positives of having cancer are? This is a deadly disease no one needs. If people are creative. it isn’t because of bipolar disorder, they’d be creative even this illness hadn’t claimed their lives. Please stop trying to put a positive spin on this ugly illness. I expect more from an organization who calls themselves “International Bipolar Foundation” :-(“

Looking Backward, Looking Forward

Like a lot of bloggers, I often enjoy looking back over past blog entries to see what’s changed over time and evaluate my progress (or lack thereof). And what I can’t believe is how different my life is from what it was a year ago.

Back then, I was a severely depressed, anxious hot mess of a woman whose life was falling apart all around her: I’d lost my job and much of my dignity, I’d run out of unemployment benefits and had absolutely no prospects for another job, and was in the process of losing my home and the lifestyle to which I’d become accustomed. Worse, I’d come to see myself as a burden on my family and friends, and in my twisted thought processes I believed that everyone would be better off if they didn’t have to worry about me anymore. The gun in the drawer was beginning to look like a promising option, as did the 80 or so Ativan tablets in my medicine cabinet.

As always, I didn’t want to admit I was depressed. It was situational anyway, which (to me) meant it wasn’t worthy of being taken seriously. I didn’t even call Dr. Awesomesauce until the morning of Halloween, when I finally gave up and realized I wasn’t safe to be at home. It was the proverbial dark night of the soul…and if I hadn’t gone to the hospital when I did, I almost certainly wouldn’t be here today writing this post.

Now, I’m not only stable mood-wise but have been for nine months, even though the days are growing shorter and there are things going on in my life that I’m not thrilled about. Will’s cancer is progressing and he’s getting tired, as well as having trouble adjusting to his new medication. Sometimes I wake up anxious for no particular reason; fortunately it doesn’t last long and I’m easily able to talk myself down. Nevertheless, I’m planning to discuss it with Dr. A about this next week…if I learned anything from last October, it’s not to put off contacting him when I have a serious issue.

I’ve also learned that a bipolar cannot look too far into the future. We have to take things one day at a time, one crisis at a time, sometimes even one white-knuckled minute at a time. So much of my own anxiety and depression results when I forget this simple principle. Granted, one has to plan ahead for some things, like budgeting for anticipated (and unanticipated) expenses, but trying to plan one’s whole life can be overwhelming. Besides, we don’t know how we’re going to feel next week, let alone six months or a year from now!

Yes, I’ve come a long way in the past year, and the fact that I’m not in some kind of autumnal mood episode for the first time in years is a tribute to my own internal work as much as it is to my medication regimen. I know better than to think I’m done with this illness, even though this comparatively long period of remission gives rise to fantasies about going the rest of my life without ever experiencing another mood episode. That’s probably not going to happen. But while I miss my hypomania, it’s worth it not to struggle with bipolar disorder as much as I have over the past few years. Life is good.

Q&A with La Sabrosona @ My Spanglish Familia

Originally posted on Our Lived Experience:
We’re keen to get to know you, our readers, no matter where you are and where you’re from, and whether you have a mental illness or not. We’d really love to hear from you (and interview you) – in fact we’re using Jedi mind tricks to persuade you to…

Q&A with La Sabrosona @ My Spanglish Familia

We’re keen to get to know you, our readers, no matter where you are and where you’re from, and whether you have a mental illness or not. We’d really love […]