Rainbow Anxiety


We had a storm last night and there was a beautiful rainbow. I tried to get a picture of it with my phone but it just was too pale by the time I got there. But when I first started looking at it, it was just about the color in this image.

Rainbows are supposed to be lucky and also a promise from God. That’s pretty special.

So the main topic of this post is anxiety. Ick.

I’ve had anxiety and panic attacks forever. I remember several panic attacks where I was absolutely CONVINCED that I was going to die. It was awful. Fortunately I haven’t had one of these in a long time. But now I am having some different kind of anxiety.

When I was last in the hospital I was put on Abilify. After about a week, I was a new person. I was up and around and busy.

However, this came at a price. The first few days I thought I would crawl out of my skin. The doc actually gave me Valium to calm me down. The “crawly” feeling did go away, but it has been slowly replaced by a generalized anxiety.

Now I awaken at 4 am or so and am unable to wake up or really go back to sleep. I get a feeling of dread. I feel like someone (or myself) is going to die. I feel like I have done something wrong or am in trouble. I feel like I am going to get yelled at.

This has also manifested itself in driving/car anxiety. I get extremely nervous when riding in a car on a freeway. I also get very anxious about the prospect of driving myself. Once I am in the car I am okay, but I am only able to drive fairly close around my neighborhood….maybe ten miles away is my limit.

I don’t want to be limited in my driving. I am 56 and should be able to drive just about anywhere. But the anxiety is scary. I don’t want to panic in the car.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow.

Right now, I have two .5 Klonopin I can take as needed. I frequently take one of these in the early am so I can go back to sleep. The other one I take here and there as I need it.

My husband and I drove about three hours the other day home from some friends’ house. I got so nervous I took two Klonopin. Then I came home and fell asleep which wasted the rest of the day. I’m so old I don’t have millions of days to waste.

I am still down on the couch if I have nowhere to specifically go during the day. I just stay in my nightgown and hang out on the couch. I’m going to change that (see below).

Tomorrow’s schedule is busy:

7:00 up and shower, do devotionals, get dressed, make bed

9:45 psychiatrist, visit sewing machine shop for new machine foot, visit mother (ick!)

12:45 meet new friend from Overeater’s Anonymous for coffee

5:00 meet friend at sushi place

That’s quite a bit for me.

I met my OA sponsor. She lives in the nearby city we just visited. She is 28, tiny, and really thin. She said when she started OA she weighed 55 pounds more.

She sure knows her OA stuff. She is teaching me how to sponsor someone myself. I am still not eating correctly so I don’t feel ready. But she says as long as I am honest, people don’t care if I am perfect about food.

The rest of this week is a little busy. Thursday I have a sewing class. Friday morning I am getting my hair done. Saturday I am going to garage sales and Sunday is church. So no total laying around the couch for me.

I’m not losing a lot of weight, but I am maintaining. I am down 16 pounds from my high. I feel less compelled to overeat but it’s not glaringly translating into weight loss. I am just trying to work the program. I’m also planning on actually getting my butt to the gym for some cardio on the treadmill after some of these activities. I mean if I dress for the gym for sewing class, I could head right over after. If I do the same when I get my hair done, I could do the same.

I am going to start a new template for October. I did not do one in September and I feel lost. If you are a new reader, a template is just a checklist of things I want to do daily, weekly, and monthly.

So far for daily activities I plan on listing keeping the sink scrubbed and making dinner, saying something positive to my husband, showering, putting clothes on and getting out of my nightgown, making the bed, doing my devotional, getting on an OA call three times a week, and doing something nice for others. Oops, I also want to weigh in.

Weekly I want to check my friend list, exercise 3 times per week, go to church, go to my Christian women’s support group, and go to Jenny Craig.

Monthly I want to do something individual with each of my three kids, seeing my pdoc and therapist, and getting a massage. I’ll probably add a few things before October 1st.

Honestly, I need the structure and the check off. It’s just too easy to do nothing.

So there is the sort of precarious status of my life.

I hope you all are well.


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