Daily Archives: August 2, 2015

Do Superheroes Get PTSD?


Several Teesha stamps on this card

One of the items on my IPR Bucket List is to attend a Teesha Moore art retreat.  I found Teesha years ago when I first started using rubber stamps.  Hers were grungy, and weird, and everything I loved.  As you can see from the link, she makes bizarre-o collages and art journals, and held Artfest annually near her home in Issaquah, Washington.

First she quit making rubber stamps (boo!), then she quit offering the retreats.  I never had the funds to get out there anyway, but I always hoped—you know—someday.  So, she stayed on my list, because weirder things have happened (like me going to London last year).

Yesterday, she sent out an email to announce that Artfest had risen from the dead and would I like to register?  Boom!  Done!  Later, as I scrolled through the information about Artfest, I realized some Cosmic Convergence or Synchronicity Faerie worked unseen in the ethers, because the theme of the retreat is:

Calling All Superheroes to Unite

As Teesha says on her website:

It is my intention that by the end of Artfest Rising, we will all be flying out of there with our capes flapping in the wind and our confident faces to the skies from our newfound understanding of ourselves, our powers and our place in this world….not to mention an amazing super-sized journal packed full of the coolest artwork around!

What feels even more serendipitous is that I’ve been contemplating my super powers recently.  I know most people don’t consider mental illness a super power, but take my Clark Kent glasses for a moment and have a look-see.

dark knightThere’s Bipolar Disorder, a cross between The Dark Knight and The Human Torch.  This is Human-Torchthe veteran, the Bad-Ass, the muscle.

FataleThen, there’s Binge Eating Disorder.  She’s been around a long time, but never identified, never given her full cred in the super power department—sort of like Fatale, one of the Dark X-Men.  Deceptively evil—strong as the horse she’s usually eating.

mistiqueBut the super power that’s come out to play recently is one I know little about.  She’s a Mistique, a chameleon, blending into her surroundings for the sneak attack.  This, of course, is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  She’s played me for a while now, posing as memory, setting trip wires that jettison me into past trauma with anxiety and flashbacks.  I’m not used to thinking of her as part of the Superhero Pantheon, but this girl’s got game.

These three (four, really—Bipolar could never be content with one aspect) might seem like a hinderance, a handicap, but look again at their power.  They’ve protected me, kept me safe.  Sure, there’s a price.  And the bill never gets settled.  But the more I learn about them, their origin stories, their special abilities, the more I can see their beauty.  I’m making room for them, inviting them in instead of locking them out.  It’s a tentative truce, but we’re making progress.

I can’t wait to take them all to Artfest next spring to see what happens.

We’re on an Adventure.

Rekindling Passion for Writing

In February I started writing a book about my first year of treatment.  I had outlined the whole thing, then written a prologue and two chapters.  At this point, in April, I sent the work-in-progress to my best friend.  What I took out of her response was the following: * My writing was obsessively detailed. […]

Road Rage-Kiss My Bumper Sticker

If you ever want to purposely trigger my wrath…Send me out for a drive. I don’t get homicidal road rage, but my inner superhero Snarkasma comes out in a big way. I can’t afford bumper stickers anymore as the law requires me to spend money clothing and sheltering my kid, but gimme a bullhorn, I have lots to say to assfuck drivers in this town.

If you are gonna ride my ass, at least pull my hair!

Yeah, yeah, I know, “But Morgue, that’s so crass and inappropriate for someone with a child, not to mention immature for someone your age.”  Fuck off.


But, Morgue, we’re so important, we can’t put down the phone in the car, the world might implode if Biffy can’t reach me to discuss what we’re doing this weekend! Fuck off.

My zombie ate your honor student!

But, Morgue, if you were a good parent, you too, would want to brag about how smart your offspring is. Fuck off.

Four out of five voices in my head are telling me to slam on my brakes because it will be your fault no matter what!

Morgue, that is so mean and immature, no one in their right mind would cause an accident out of spite! Fuck off.

Aww, I had no idea Cracker Jack was still handing out driver’s licenses!

Morgueticia, that is just immature and petty! FUCKEST THOU.

Don’t drink and drive, you might spill your drink!

That is just awful, Niki, there is nothing funny about drunk driving! (Yeah, I know, my cousin’s been in a wheelchair using a computer to speak like Hawking since a drunk driver nearly killed her 20 years ago. And yet…fuck you with a barbwire dildo.)


How dare you make drugs a joke, there is no joke about the drug problem society has, it destroys lives! (And yet, it’s a factual statement, because drugs really are expensive. The LEGAL ones. Die in a fire.)

I have an amazing body- it’s in the trunk of this car!

Well, it’s just in bad taste to insinuate that you’re a murderer and have a dead body in your trunk! Fornicate thyself!

Don’t mock my old flip phone and I won’t assume you have a smart phone because without one, you’d be stupid.

Niki, that’s plain rude, just because you don’t like newer technology and THE SHEEPLE hump its leg. Hmm…Go masturbate with a cheese grater.

Don’t judge, my other car is a Tardis.

What’s a Tardis? Is that, like, a nerd thing? You’re never gonna find a man if you go around promoting what a nerd you are, Niki!  (** You have reached Niki, don’t leave a message after the beep because it is against her religion to talk to stupid people.**)

Men build airplanes. Religion causes men to crash planes into buildings.


I love my country, but I fear my government.

That is just unpatriotic and borders on treason, Morgue!  Truth fucking hurts, go fuck yourself.

You can’t have CRAP without the rap.

OMG, how dare you insult rap music fans!  Well, maybe I wouldn’t view it that way if jackasses didn’t insist on THUMP THUMP THUD THUD DEAFEN ME EVEN WITH THE WINDOWS UP music calling my entire gender “bitches” and “hos”. I suggest you perform your own prostate exam with both my middle fingers…On second thought, some things even I won’t touch.

I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers!

Now, that’s just rude…And yet, when I was a kid growing, even the pastor of my church had one of those suction cup hand things with the middle finger ‘cos people are shitty drivers! Go procreate with your hand.

Sometimes, I wrestle with my demons, sometimes we just snuggle.

That’s not remotely funny.  Um…It is, if your funny bone isn’t broken, you should see a doctor and oh, yeah…go fuck yourself.

I could go on but I won’t. My hypomanic anger high is ending and I just don’t giveth a fuck now.

You get the fist. Road rage- the other justifiable homicide defense.




a little fry and worry

Scheduled post.

Should I make this a regular weekly thing, or do you think it’d get tedious? The man is prolific, to put it mildly, I suspect that it’d be possible to mine the archives and the present forever, without ever catching up with him.

This week, the “news” is that Mr “rejects knighthoods” Fry was seen arriving on the set of “The Brits Are Coming,” which stars Uma Thurman, to play *mysterious and slightly foreboding music* “an undisclosed religious character.” Well, we all know that Stephen has no religion, but plenty of character, and that he’s never been averse to donning a frock in the name of art. That said, he doesn’t look awfully thrilled, does he? The Daily Fail also said that it could be Stephen’s chance to “crack the States” and unless they mean it literally, they’re missing his transatlantic footprint completely. It’s a HEINOUS CRIME, to quote Canada’s “beloved” leader.

Click to view slideshow.

In the “news” last week, walking! Wimbledon! Lunch! Dressing up! Dressing down! More dressing than an undisclosed religious dress! Also, an asteroid.

Stephen Fry and husband Elliot Spencer enjoy romantic stroll in New York…
Stephen Fry dresses down for romantic New York lunch date with husband Elliott …
Stephen Fry enjoys Yeo’s Summer Party with husband Elliot Spencer…
Stephen Fry joins husband Elliot Spencer out at Wimbledon…
Stephen Fry dresses to impress for loved-up Wimbledon date with …

Poor dude, tabloids are so very boring. Shall we travel back in time a little and take a look at the love story? *soft focus fade in*

Click to view slideshow.

What is your greatest extravagance? My husband. I’m kidding, I’m kidding … books, pictures, and a compulsive need to have the latest version of every shiny smartphone, tablet, and other digital geegaw. And a degenerate reluctance to turn right on entering an airplane. source

Celestial recognition arrived on Twitter in the form of an asteroid being named after him, “The International Astronomical Union announced in its monthly bulletin that Minor Planet 5190 will now be called 5190 Fry.” (Or maybe Fryverley Hills 5190. Or Hawaii Fry 5190. Regardless, the sky should now be referred to as “the Fry”.)

Click to view slideshow.

And if that was enough “news” for you, here’s a selection of Mr Fry’s exquisitely sharp rants.

You low, corrosive lump of fecal horror! You maniac bastardly turd! I would rather drink stale urine from Norman Fowler’s arse-pit, than remain for one moment more in your defiling company! You’re filth! You’re cack! You’re the ooze of a burst boil! I abominate you, you towering mound of corrupted slime! Your every utterance is like the slithering hiss of a fat maggot in the putrid guts of a decomposing rat! Your face is fouler than the unwiped inner ring of Satan’s rectum!

The above can also be found below.


Girl in Progress: There’s no quick fix to mental illness

You know when you’re in a job interview and the employer asks, “What’s your biggest weakness?” and the cliched answer is, “I’m a perfectionist,” We respond this way because people equate perfectionism with attention to detail, care, hard work, and dedication. It’s an asset rather than a weakness. Well, I’m here to tell you that it is absolutely a […]


not dressedMeh, pants are overrated, anyway. I’ll get to it later when I have to face the dish.

I don’t know why but Sunday has always been my least favorite day of the week. Which is odd, since it’s a non business day (legal business such as mail service) so one would think it’d be my calm day. Instead I find it dull and pointless, as it has a vibe of its own that I find a bit oppressive. Maybe ‘cos everything opens late, closes early, reminds me of some bow down to organized religion. (Not that I wanna drink, but being told I have to wait til 12:30 pm due to some antiquated notion of going hell for purchasing alcohol before then pisses me off.) Or maybe because it’s the day before the week starts back up, which means more daunting dish time for me. I dunno. (Note to self: see how many followers I lose every time I reference religion in a “I don’t believe” way.)

I got my time out day yesterday. No people. Well, aside from Spook and yapping cats. Once I just let myself feel listless and crappy…I actually accomplished a few things. Did dishes, two loads of laundry, mowed the lawn. Cooked spaghetti and garlic bread for supper. Watched some crime shows I hadn’t seen before. (Which is astounding to me, not because I am in denial that crime, especially between spouses happens, it’s just that it happens so much there are like a dozen different shows with cases based on such thing. Forget the divorce rate, wtf is the spousal murder rate???)

I think I have at long last found a system that works for me. All my life I’ve had the “work first” mentality shoved down my throat. “Get it done, this comes first.” For me, the method has had an adverse effect, thwarting what little motivation I have. Especially with the anxiety and depression. Trying to fight the inertia of that stuff because it’s some societal expectation is grueling. Now, there are times when I am totally a “rip the bandage off” type. For the most part, though, self bullying and forcing myself to adapt to what works for a billion other people proves detrimental.

By allowing myself to just FEEL, be it anxious, depressed, tapped out, pissed off…As the feelings die down because the triggers have been removed or at least lessened…That’s when I start piddling about, doing things here and there. Thus I end up accomplishing lots. Not pressuring myself, that’s the key. I don’t even get why I’ve let myself fall prey to that trap, since I’ve always been a rebel and dressed the way I want, liked the things I like, without regard to what others think. If taking a step back and being lazy for a couple of hours then getting shit done WORKS…I’m gonna go with it.

This afternoon, I am dropping Spook off at my mom’s for a sleepover. Which gives me an evening to myself. I have all these thoughts of what all I can get done…Yet it never turns out that way. By the time I get a break, all I want to do is enjoy the lack of “mommy mommy mommy” soundtrack. It’s gonna be 92 today which will pretty much make the trailer a sauna and I’ll do fuck all unless it involves sitting in front of a fan. Yet at night it cools down so much that even with one fan going, I have to turn it down to low. By then, my energy is gone so I get nothing done. While it may sound like a bunch of laziness and excuses, it really isn’t.

For me, it’s like creativity, writing. All the sun, mood, stars alignment thing. That’s how my mad housekeeping/rearranging/organizing vibe goes. It all aligns and it happens or it doesn’t. It doesn’t happen often.

I let Spook sleep in my bed last night. I know it makes me part of the problem instead of the solution but I had so much sensory overload with her constant noise and the crying kittens, all I wanted was quiet time in my bedroom. She likes watching Forensic Files (bad mommy) and I like when she’s absorbed and quiet so…Whatever. By nine, when the double Xanax wasn’t really helping and the VERY BAD THOUGHTS started…I got a bit scared. They whisper to me, not voices, but thoughts born of anxiety and depression and frustration. The longer I go without any significant progress with my meds, the worse it gets.

“Your kid deserves better than this, you’re just gonna fuck her up for life.”

“You have never succeeded at anything in your life, you’re just wasting space and robbing worthy people of air.”

“Not even your doctor thinks your problems are severe enough to pay attention, it’s all in your head.”

“You’re lazy, worthless, a drain on society.”

On and on it went, to the point the even worse thoughts crept in. Everyone seems to think it’s some self esteem issue. It’s not. I broke down and took half a melatonin, just for the quick action it has of getting me to sleep, especially when added to the double nighttime dose of Xanax. The thoughts will eat you alive if you let them run their endless loop. Fighting them only gets you so far. At some point, for your own protection, you seek solace in sleep.

Except my sleep brings such bizarre dreams I don’t find it a comfort, either.

To my credit, I took two showers yesterday (only ‘cos I was so sweaty and cat hair was clinging to my skin) and even bathed the spawn. The fact that such basic things seem so exhausting and daunting still bugs me. I  didn’t used to be this way. Well, actually, in a depression, I sort of was, but only with myself, never with my kid. I hope this Cymbalta dose increase kicks up, ‘cos with school starting, I am gonna need the energy.

On the plus side, even though each day seemed stressful and non ending…Summer has passed very quickly, all things considered. And I survived. I also feel shitty that I didn’t take her to do a damned thing all summer, not even a trip to the park. She got the unfortunate luck of having a mom who is allergic to all things outdoors, even direct sunlight. I need to do better and I always say I am gonna do better…But aside from one single summer where I did very well…Her childhood has been pretty lackluster. Of course, mine was, too, and I didn’t die.

Bygones. I can’t go dwelling on that shit or come nightfall, the very bad thoughts will return. I don’t want them back.

Still suffering mega anxiety for tomorrow. What if my new debit card doesn’t work? And how am I gonna pay the bills, get the shit I need, get her birthday gift, put decent clothes on her, get her supplies and school fees…GRRRR. Normally mom and dad help. Mom can’t get her clothes til after the 19th (school starts the 17th) and Dad gave me the normal “we’re broke” spiel last night. (Yeah, don’t spend three grand on a fancy bathroom if you know it’s gonna lead to being broke.) I’m gonna do the best I can and hope for the best. What else can I do?

For today…I am gonna be lazy, enjoy my break from being mommy, and hope eventually I accomplish something. Magic Hateball says unlikely. Fuck you, stupid ball.

It’s true. I may have to rise…But I’ll be damned if I am gonna shine.



A Panic Attack? Rude.

Uuuuuugh, my body-brain combination are really trying me. I’ve had a nasty cold the last couple of days, which is hopefully cresting right now. At least, I was really dizzy yesterday and am not quite so dizzy today. I managed to tough it out and go out with my family, which was great (especially knowing that I didn’t have to go anywhere or do anything today).

So of course, what happens? I have a freaking panic attack out of nowhere. Literally nowhere — I’m not feeling anxious in the slightest today. I was just sitting here when I felt my chest start constricting. I’m sort of surprised I caught it so early; it’s been a long time since I last had a panic attack. Still, doesn’t make the chest clenching hurt any less, though I managed to keep my head down and keep breathing until the worst of it passed. I’m to the point now where textures are still wibbly, Exhaustion 2.0 is setting in, and I think that one helluva headache is coming in. Potential migraine? I wouldn’t be surprised.

Alas, I can’t even blame this on the Depakote, because I don’t have it yet. I didn’t have my pre-pay prescription card with me when I saw Dr. K, so I told her to go ahead and send the prescription to my doctor and that I would get it from there. They haven’t received it yet, though I keep checking the website. I can certainly hope it’s not Mirena, though I’m more inclined to blame this on over-extending myself yesterday, and getting a bit of sunburn to boot.

Blargh. This too shall pass. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. *shakes tiny fist of impotent rage*


Ketamine for the sads?


A little something I scribbled for Yvette’s South African bipolar site. I have a fast and dirty favour to ask of you. Please could you click through to the post on her page? It’d be good to get the stats up. Thanks lots – and may I say you’re looking particularly well dressed and we’ll adjusted this fine day?

Arsecreeping? Moi!?

Originally posted on our lived experience:

You’ve probably heard about trials of Ketamine as a wonder drug for depression (yup, even intractable bipolar depression) in the States, but the local ‘cybershrink’ at Health24 has some cautionary things to say.

This sounds like really good news. But the quality of research supporting such claims is still poor and limited, and there are other serious reasons for caution. Drug abusers reportedly develop tolerance to the effects of the drug quite rapidly, and regular use can cause bladder and kidney problems. It can also cause raised blood pressure and hallucinations. Could ‘horse tranquiliser’ be a treatment for depression?

Cybershrink himself is Prof Michael Simpson, who has great looking credentials, and you can ask him questions online. Scroll down to the end of the article for more info. The Mental Health category of Health24 has more articles that may be of interest to you.

I have absolutely no idea whether…

View original 186 more words

Resources for South Africans with Bipolar Disorder

Mental Health Information Line – 0800 567 56

South African Government: Admission to a mental health institution (Info also available in Afrikaans, isiNdebele, isiXhosa, isiZulu, Sesotho, Sesotho sa Leboa, Setswana, Siswati, Tshivenda, Xitsonga.)

Info about Disability Grants

Mental Health Information Centre

Find mental health service providers

Provincial mental health societies.

Medical aid schemes that cover bipolar disorder

South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG)

Downloads: Bipolar Disorder, Fast Facts on Bipoar Disorder, Self Help for Bipolar Disorder, An Example of a Mood Chart, Instructions for using a Mood Chart.

Bipolêre Ondersteuning – last updated in 2011, but has helpful articles in Afrikaans.

Post Natal Depression Support Association (PNDSA)

Perinatal Mental Health Project (PMHP)

South African Bipolar Site

SA Federation for Mental Health

Mental health care can be fraught with problems; if you feel that your human rights have been compromised, please report the violation/s. Hopefully it’ll assist in meeting the need for better treatment (especially in the public sector). Here’s how to do it:

1.   A dedicated SMS / WhatsApp line – 076 078 8722

2.   A landline number to call – 011 781 1852

3.   A dedicated email address – humanrights@safmh.org

4.   A form that can filled in and submitted via the SAFMH website.

Stop Stockouts – campaign and report.

Ketamine for the sads?

You’ve probably heard about trials of Ketamine as a wonder drug for depression (yup, even intractable bipolar depression) in the States, but the local ‘cybershrink’ at Health24 has some cautionary things to say.

This sounds like really good news. But the quality of research supporting such claims is still poor and limited, and there are other serious reasons for caution. Drug abusers reportedly develop tolerance to the effects of the drug quite rapidly, and regular use can cause bladder and kidney problems. It can also cause raised blood pressure and hallucinations. Could ‘horse tranquiliser’ be a treatment for depression?

Cybershrink himself is Prof Michael Simpson, who has great looking credentials, and you can ask him questions online. Scroll down to the end of the article for more info. The Mental Health category of Health24 has more articles that may be of interest to you.

I have absolutely no idea whether ketamine will prove useful and safe, but I do think that the use of the words ‘horse tranquiliser’ in the title is intended to be negative, when it really shouldn’t be. After all, both cortisone and probiotics used for animals, are exactly the same as the variety used for humans. Buying it as a street drug for self medication would be incredibly stupid, in fact, using it for self medication at all would be stupid. The  again, if you’re buying street drugs or self medicating in any way at all, stupidity might be a bridge you’ve already crossed.

Don’t try this at home (or anywhere else), but about 20 years ago in my druggy phase, two friends and I tried ket. One of the guys told me the following day that his wife had been completely mystified to get home to find him watching a switched off TV while waiting for a salad to finish microwaving.

Wanna know more? Here’s the latest news about ketamine in general and here’s the latest about its use as a treatment for depression.

And remember kids, be safe out there.