Daily Archives: July 27, 2015

Movie Goer

I really enjoy movies. Comedies are my favorite, but I will watch pretty much anything. I certainly don’t mind a “chick flick”, and I’m not above a fart joke, in fact, I find them hilarious. I try not to watch anything previously nominated for “worst movie of the year”, but that is pretty much my […]

Movie Goer

I really enjoy movies. Comedies are my favorite, but I will watch pretty much anything. I certainly don’t mind a...

The post Movie Goer appeared first on Pretending to be What We Are.

A Conversation.

Aral 7

Had a long conversation with a friend, some things became crystal clear to me as a result of simply talking! That is the power of talk therapy as well! The reason my life got derailed in so many ways between 2003 and 2009, seven long years, became abundantly clear, it was (1) Stopping Lithium and starting Lamictal, and (2) Talking to an unprincipled woman who was, unbeknownst to me,  a sexologist, but treating me as a psychologist for bipolar d/o. These two things almost led to my marriage ending, and I almost lost my son. This was one of the most difficult times in my life and believe me I have had some whoppers! My mood being on the verge of mania for years upon years did nothing whatsoever for the health of my marriage and our family life. My most beloved son suffered because of the home environment and took refuge in destructive things. It almost broke up our family, we almost lost each other and the very worst thing to me, I almost lost my son. Do you know what I went through and how it makes me feel now to think about it? Hell and absolutely hellish! But, somehow, through strength, love and with the parts of our brain that were healthy, we survived this near calamity. I was there for my son when he needed me, my husband managed to hang in there for me, and I was put back on Lithium at the hospital, after being hospitalized the second time in my life for full blown mania as a result of having been taken off Lithium and put on Lamictal. (Lamictal puts people with bipolar 1 in a hypomanic phase eventually leading to mania :-( )

So, obviously my illness was to blame for all the near catastrophes in the past, but so was medical mismanagement and downright malpractice on the part of the sexologist.

Is there a why? Why did these things have to happen to me and my family? Well, I can ask why till the cows come home and it won’t really help me. What will help me is to know what happened, acknowledge that bad things happened, that catastrophic things almost happened, learn from them and move on. And don’t forget the PTSD medications, haha, just kidding. But seriously, I’ll never, never come off Lithium, NEVER!

And yes I am strong to have coped with all this “insanity”, to have helped my son through very difficult times, to have managed to keep my marriage intact. I think all three of us deserve a medal for bravery and valor in life. I think a LOT of people with mental illnesses deserve this medal. Perhaps we should forge one and start pinning them on people’s chests!

Living in strength, love and with a positive mindset, I send everyone love and hugs.

Mondays are Taco Night

Every Monday I have my sister in law, mother in law and a friend of the family all over for taco night. We play some games, eat some tacos and have a generally good time.

I’m glad I am doing it today because I am feeling really lonely.

I remember my best friend saying I could contact her whenever I was feeling lonely. Yet she’s gone and I’m here and I’m lonely.

It seems to be even harder after a good weekend with my husband. I’m glad I chose Mondays for this.

I didn’t write all weekend cause I was having a good time with hubby enjoying life. We walked and talked and hung out.

A Letter to My Son on His 12th Birthday

Today at 6:58PM will be the 12th year that I have had you in my life. Looking back to the very beginning from when I first found out I was […]

How to recognize the face of depression


This was from four years ago right after my life imploded and I became a single mom. I thought it was relevant since there’s so much misinformation out there on what is and isn’t “valid mental illness.”
Good time to repost this. Sadly, I’m back to looking like a corpse, but such is the bipolar coaster.

Originally posted on Take a Ride on My Mood Swing:

I suppose mental illness is rather baffling to most people. They have no clue what to look for if you’re not strutting down the street naked flinging poo at passersby. But, if you are with or related to someone with a mental illness, then you should want to educate yourself on what signs to look for when someone *may* be in need of help. Not recognizing these signs can be devastating in many ways.

I keep thinking if the donor had been more willing to believe that I was mentally ill rather than just a bitch, we wouldn’t be where we are now. I warned him from the get go how bad things could get for me and would he be able to handle it. I should have known anyone ignorant and arrogant enough to grin and say, “Well, I will just have to cheer you up and out of…

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Freedom Soon

Tomorrow I’ll be able to drive again!  I’m so excited. It’s not like I go anywhere much but NOT driving has had the effect of sending me a little stir crazy some days.  Of course, that also means I’ll be doing housework again too, but I’m even a little excited about that.  It’s amazing how much I actually do to keep this place running.  So I’ll be able to start that tomorrow too.  We will see how it goes; I don’t want to overdo the first day.

The little one is at camp part of this week so today is very quiet.  I managed to sleep pretty late and am having a late start to the day, but that’s all right.  Probably needed the sleep if I took it.

Reading the poetry books for my class this fall.  I have five to read and one more novel. I’m going to read the poetry and save the novel for last because it might take a while to get through it. SO I want to get as many others done as I can before I start on it.

HOpe everyone had a good week. I seem to be in a really good place right now, so I’m looking forward to a great week.


Impetus Impotence

Yep. Impetus Impotence. I need Viagra for my giddy-up-and-go.

Less related to mood, ‘cos ya know, I don’t know what my mood is yet. That morning med dose sets off the hypomanic brain. I’ll know when it quiets.

This is because of my stupid brain and its refusal to sleep like a normal brain. I cryptified at 8 p.m. last night. Spook was still in rapid fire mode. Let her sleep in my bed just so she’d shut up. Took 1.5 melatonin (or melanoma, as Spook calls it) around 8:30. I was still awake at 2:30 a.m. What the actual fuck. Back pre spawn, I didn’t sweat it as much ‘cos I could sleep in or nap. Now…if I don’t sleep while she does, then I ain’t sleeping. So this sleep disturbance is really pissing me off. I don’t know how many times I *started* to drift off only to jerk awake. Almost like when you’ve had a sleep paralysis dream that scared you so much, you can’t bear to go back to sleep. This has been going on for weeks. When I did sleep…OMG, the fucked up dreams were mind boggling. I was watching/then living in the new season of American Horror Story:Hotel, except it had nothing to do with a hotel and the new theme was all peppy and I was fucking horrified. But then there was the character who skinned girls alive… There were other dreams about girls having babies, guns, robberies…I have no idea where it comes from.

Oddly, the most upsetting part was that the new season of AHS is gonna suck. Priorities, man.

I have zero plans today, which is good, because I have zero motivation. I have a sink full of dishes again, which irritates me. I have so few dishes when I have paper plates. Also, my kid has to use four different cups a day. I use the same cup morning to night. Come to think of it, outside of my alcoholic drinks (which belong in glass, of course) I’ve been using the same plastic skull cup for two years now. I wash it and all. I just don’t get the point of using multiple cups when you can just rinse the same one out. The donor did the same shit and I’m starting to wonder if some things aren’t genetically programmed. (Like leaving empty packaging in the fridge, wtf,  even I can be bothered to walk over to the trash can.) I need to fold clothes. Spook did the cat boxes yesterday so I’m not gonna sweat those much. I haven’t left the house since Saturday. The professionals would chastise me as this is apparently unhealthy. Well, let them put gas in the car and pay for the outings and I’ll go. Until then…Fuck off.

Because my mother tainted me with all her Enquirer and Star papers as a child, I am sort of drawn to shit like signing up for the Hollywood Reporter email updates. It’s not like I give a fuck about celebrities, it’s more keeping track of the shows that have been renewed, et al. But there was one last night announcing that Bobbi Kristina Brown had died and I murmured, “That’s so sad…” And of course, Spook can’t read that well yet, so she asked what was sad. I told her a young girl had died and it was sad. “Are you going to the funeral?” Spook asked. I guess my emotions come off a little too deep at times. I can’t help it. It’s sad when someone so young dies so tragically. I barely know of the girl other than her fucked up parentage…It still made me sad.

Going in another direction…I just wanted to say to those who have nominated me for blog awards that I seemingly blew off…I swear it’s not like that at all. I just got so far behind that I couldn’t keep up. I’m not without gratitude, I try to keep up,so please don’t take it as an affront if you took the time to nominate me and I didn’t even give a charming refusal speech. I’m behind on every front, truth be told. I can’t keep up when my depression is lingering.

I had a major panic attack last night when it hit me: SPOOK’S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT CHUCK E CHEESE IS NEXT FUCKING FRIDAY! I am so not prepared for this. Not that I ever am, regardless of my anxiety/mood cycle. Spook’s birthdays are traumatic for me simply because my mother turns it into such a “I spent more money, I love you more” spectacle and makes me feel like shit because I choose to pay  bills first, then worry about happy fun ball stuff. It’s so fucked up to have a parent chastise you for being too responsible. I don’t even know what that is. Besides. Spook is so young, she doesn’t grasp all this shit and she destroys pretty much everything she gets. A couple of years ago I spent almost two hundred bucks throwing her a party at home so all the neighbor kids could come. It was nothing but complaints. Fuck that shit. Ugh.

After the birthday anxiety comes the starting school anxiety. Once a routine is established I’ll be okay. But those first few weeks…It’s a bitch for me. Visits to the school/classroom, meet the teacher, parent night, at el. It’s not about me and I plaster on the smiley face and hit the Xanax salt lick…Doesn’t mean I gotta like it.

I wanna give a shout out to my fellow Volatile Femmes- Zoe, Sass, Blah, Tessa, Diane- much love to you all. You have been a life line for me. This includes you, too,Chris, even though you’re not a femme ;)

Now…I am gonna contemplate pants. It always boils down to stupid pants. Hey, you live in a tin box in 81% humidity and tell me you wanna wear another layer of clothing.

Ha, I have pants-xiety.

I am so wrong.


The Local is Lekker Linkdump

Originally posted on our lived experience:

Welcome to this, the inaugural South African linkdump, may blog bless her and all who sail in her. First up, human interest stories, featuring a word from the owner of this lovely blog (OK, OK, several words), Yvette Hess.

“I remember during my times of severe depression or manic episodes, I’d lay awake at night searching for fellow sufferers in South Africa online who could relate to anything I was experiencing. The friends I made abroad also directed me to a handful of South African bloggers, but I needed more. I was done just surviving- I wanted to thrive, and learn from others and share my experiences too. I decided to start a project where anyone suffering from mental illness could share their story- and so become a point of reference where one’s life, albeit a challenging one, it is captured and celebrated in all its glory. It was then…

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sex, fries & videotape

(I lied about the sex)
(scheduled post)

All hail the patron saint of manic depression, homosexuality, intelligence, atheism, gadgets, linguistics and swearing, Steeeeeeephen FRY! I was going to make this a post full of animated videos and gifs, all of them about bipolar, but then… Oh look! A butterfly! Some Frycandy for all my favourite Frywhores!

The Fry Up


FryPolar Animation



Fry for children (and for you too)

FryPotter (yup, all seven books)




10 Songs for Mr Fry (quite possibly my favourite playlist in this post)