Girl in Trees (A Rant)

girl in trees

Well, it’s me on vacation again. No, I am not in the forest. I found this image and thought it worked pretty well.

You know that saying “you can’t see the forest for the trees”? I think this might be me.

I look at all of these things I might be doing and can’t decide. I HAVE to find something constructive to do with my time. I am going batshit.

I am trying to see my overall life and failing miserably. I can just see these trees that are sort of standing in my way. There are a lot of obstacles out there. I have no idea what is even on the other side of the forest.

I am still struggling with this idea that I have limited time left in my life. And damn it, I don’t want to settle for boring and unhappy. I want a spring in my step. I want some things that are just for me. I want something exciting going on.

I wonder sometimes if I have been married too long. Now don’t get me wrong…my husband is a very nice guy. He has stood by a lot of bipolar crap. But he really gets on my nerves. A lot. Now that I am not “sick” anymore, he has changed a little. He is not as supportive. He wants to go to poker and game night instead of hanging out with me. And I can’t blame him because I am BORING.

Part of me would like my very own condo or apartment. This is my fantasy. I would not have anyone living with me. No pets or kids. And no man.

One of the joys of this would be my things. If I put something down, it would stay where I put it. People would not come along and “clean up” and move my stuff.

Case in point: I have a lot of duffel bags and travel bags. I stored them all in a plastic laundry bin in my closet. I go in there the other day and they have been dumped on the floor. The bin was gone. Well, my husband took it because he “needed” it. I got mad about this and was told I was overreacting.

Now many of you out there are saying “big effing deal”. Someone moved your stuff. But it is such a common happening it is incredible annoying.

I envy my single girlfriends. They do what they want when they want to. If they want to buy something it is their decision. They don’t have to worry about what someone else will think. My husband is pretty generous with money, but it all flows through him. I hate that. Before I was disabled, I had my own account and all. Now I really have no money. I DO have money, but it is subject to supervision. Does this make sense?

Okay, let’s move on from my husband because that is a boring topic.

Do you ever have a girlfriend who won’t listen to you? Maybe you are excited about your new shoes. She sort of dismisses this in order to tell you about her new sweater. And she doesn’t stop talking about this sweater. It goes on and on. You can’t even stop her if you try. You try to act enthused but it wears thin.

So maybe you NEED her to listen to you. You’d at least like a 50/50 split of the discussion. So you try to tell her. And she says “Sure! I hear your problem, but how about my sweater?” By this time, you’d like to unravel the sweater and tie her up with it.

So what does this have to do with the forest and the trees? That’s a good question. I have no idea. I am losing my mind.

Did anyone notice that this blog is coming up close to 1000 followers? Can you all see that when you pull it up or is that just something I can see? Anyway, I think we need like ten more or something to hit 1000. Really surreal. I found a post that I wrote when we hit 100 at the end of December I think. I’ll have to pull it out of the archives to get a kick out of it.

Thanks for listening to the rant. I needed you guys.

love, lily

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