Anxiety

So I have been feeling anxious lately. About everything and anything. I am even anxious about this blog. Are people enjoying it? Am I writing enough? Too much? Are my followers getting their “money’s” worth? Am I staying true to my title of “bipolar and recovery”?

Parts of this anxiety are relatively new. I’ve always been sort of a half empty person. A little on the negative side. I tend to ruminate on things. I always imagine the worst possible scenario. Until I grew up and met a lot of other adults, I thought everyone felt this way.

Lately, my anxiety has been really intensified. You may or may not know that my diagnosis is bipolar II with psychotic features. There is nothing in there about anxiety. But I am starting to wonder.

Before I panic, I have to consider one of my new meds. I am taking Abilify. It’s got a lot of side effects. Here are some of the “most common” less serious side effects: headache, anxiety, trouble swallowing or choking (this is MINOR?), and some weight gain. So all of this anxiety I am feeling may have a chemical cause.

But I am willing to deal with it. The Abilify is what is getting me off of the couch.

My anxiety starts in the mornings. I have been waking up at 4 or 5 and just laying there fretting. My husband doesn’t get up till 8 or so, so I am quietly alone with the dogs at those hours. I’ve tried to be proactive. I’ve listened to audiobooks and music. The last few days I have started taking a Klonopin (.5) and trying to fall back asleep. Sometimes this works and sometimes not.

So what do I worry about at 4 am? Dumb stuff. My biggest thing is what I have on the calendar for the day. I try to think of ways to cancel so I can stay in bed or on the couch. This is a little ridiculous. None of my days are exactly filled with terrible activities. I worry about my future. Who will care for me if my husband dies? (He turns 60 this week, so suddenly age is a thing.) I worry about having enough money. That’s a little silly as I would be fine. Not wealthy, but fine.

So on my relaxed calendar, I still fret. Let’s say I am meeting a friend for lunch. I worry about whether I need a shower or not, what clothes to wear (will I look too fat?), driving, and will my friend show up? (Even though I always text in the morning to make sure.) So I try to think of valid or made up reasons to cancel. Do I have a headache? Is there possibly another activity I have to do? Should I just plain out lie?

My husband gets up about 8 and I am feeling pretty nervous. But I find a lot of solace in my computer. I’m all comfortable on the couch by then and don’t feel like going anywhere.

If I HAVE to go somewhere 9 am is the best time. I just get up and get ready as I am and go. I don’t panic about how I look. And I feel good about getting it over with.

In the early evening I get nervous, because I am bored. I worry something will go wrong with my life (uh, it already has).  I worry my daughter will be killed and left by the side of the road. (I watch too many murder shows.) I worry my boys will get in car wrecks or arrested for DUI or possession or something. Lots of my friends’ kids have been going through stuff like this.

I also have a weird feeling during various times that I am in trouble. I have no idea where this comes from. I am a fairly law abiding citizen. I treat my family well, so I don’t think they’d yell at me.

I am terrible anxious about my kids moving away. None of them have made any noise about moving out of town, but I don’t know how I would handle it. I just feel too fragile.

I have driving anxiety. Once I get in the car I am fine, but I get nervous thinking ahead. I don’t want to drive on the freeway or downtown. And I hate to back up after parking.

My psychiatrist has the perfect answer to anxiety: Klonopin. But I worry about adding this into my routine. I don’t think I will get addicted, but it is always something to think of. I am all for Xanax or Klonopin as needed on occasion, but not all of the time. This opinion is only for me, not for you!

So opinion time, folks. Do you think this is from Abilify? If so, should I keep taking it since it gets me going? What do you think about the Klonopin?

I realize you all are not doctors, but frankly, many of you know as much as doctors.

Thanks for any advice. I’m anxious to see if I get any responses 🙂

lily