Daily Archives: June 18, 2015

My Seroquel Spider Belly, Memoirstipation & Buh-Bye!

(TW – Seemingly superficial topics but please read this anyway!) Happy Thursday, my friends! It has been over a month since my last 25 mg Seroquel pill. I’ve been able to get to sleep without medication again, which is cause for … Continue reading

help wanted

I’m getting head rushes that are almost violent, morning and evening. The only med I take at both times, is lamotrigine (lamictal), have any of you had head rushes from it? I’ve emailed my shrink, but I’ll only hear from her next week.

Thanks in advance.

The Less Than 100 Questions I Chose To Answer

So, some of my fellow she bloggers from the Volatile Femmes have been perpetuating this “100 questions” thing and really…I am far too lazy to do the full hundred, especially since some of them are just a repeat of other little question thingies I’ve done. My illness is redundant enough,I won’t add to it. Sooo I played pick and choose with the 100 questions and decided to answer the ones I felt most intriguing.

1. How are you, really?
At this moment…Okay. In an hour…consult the crystal mood ball.

2. How do you feel right now? What are you thinking about?

How to fake eat my kid’s Play dough cake she made me without actually eating it and avoid hurting her feelings. I’m deep that way.

3. What do you do for fun

Fun? I don’t understand the concept.  But if it involves interacting with other people…Alcohol best be involved, otherwise, I won’t. I’m a social drinker. If I have to socialize, I’m drinking.

4. If you could go back in history, who would you like to meet?

Marilyn Monroe. She was a tortured soul because in spite of fame, success, beauty- mental illness took her down just the same. It spares NO ONE.

5. What were you like in high school?

Picture in the yearbook of my sitting in the gym, headphones blaring hair metal, my nose buried in a notebook writing soft core porn with the caption, “Niki studies during lunch hour.” HA HA HA HA. More like Niki tried to avoid getting lynch mobbed during lunch.

6. What’s your earliest memory?

Asshole anti pet neighbor feeding my poodle Snowball glass and watching her die when I was 5.

7. What do you think people think of you?

Hmmm. I’m surrounded by lots of passive aggressive two faces who say one thing to my face and another to others behind my back. I think most would agree that I am moody, high strung, and sarcastic. Maybe morbid, too, but puking rainbows ain’t my thing, sue me.

8. If you could learn one random skill, what would you learn?

To play guitar. I tried and tried to learn, I don’t have the manual dexterity and my brain simply doesn’t get it.

9. Do you think all people are equally valuable, or do you think some people in certain situations might be more valuable than others (say, a severely retarded patient vs. a doctor who could potentially save hundreds of lives)?

Pfft, this is the whole Star Trek “needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few” thing. Newsflash: If it comes down to my kid versus a thousand innocent people…Hope you’re not one of them ‘cos you’re gonna die, motherfucker. That answer the question?

10. Do you think people are basically bad or basically good?

People = Shit. Slipknot says so. Frankly, people in masses are mindless morons. I tend to judge on an individual basis.

11. Do you think morals are universal or relative to the beliefs, traditions, and practices of individuals or groups?

I think the world’s morality is determined by the religion de jour and few people ever bother to learn their own morality, they just follow societal and religious programming. There is no planet on which I will EVER say, or passively agree with, the concept that homosexuality is some sort of sin. Compared to murder and child abuse and pedophilia and animal cruelty…it’s asinine to think any deity really cares what people consent to do in private.

12.  Do you vote? Why / Why not? If you do vote, how do you usually vote?

Having paid attention in class when this was taught in school, I know my vote would count for fuck all so I’ve never registered, never voted, and am not ashamed. As for the mentality that “if you don’t vote, you don’t get to complain…” Bitch, please, I was complaining in utero about my mom’s food choices. Let me be who I am. I bitch, therefore I am.

13. Do you think gay people choose to be gay? Do you think straight people choose to be straight?

See # 11. And if homosexuality offends you, perhaps you should get a therapist and talk about why you think you’re so important you get to have an opinion on who should be attracted and love who.

14. Would you kill an innocent person if you thought it might mean saving a dozen other people?

Nope. I could easily kill a dozen bad people without flinching. But someone who’s done nothing wrong and isn’t really a wretched pile of human vomit…I couldn’t do it. Unless the dozen others were my kid and cats, then yeah, okay.

15. What do you think would be one of the best steps we could take toward ending poverty around the world?

Put an income cap on the obscenely wealthy. Anything over 1 billion dollars and it automatically goes to fund programs for the poor, children and education first, families second, and also, create jobs with livable wages.

16. What’s something you wish everyone knew about you?

That for all my sailoresque swearing, sarcasm and macabre humor…I’m really not that much of a bitch. I’ve just been hurt a lot and my porcupine quills of darkness are my armor. Pierce it with kindness and you’ll find an icky marshmallow center. (which I dyed red so it looks like blood, of course.)

17. What’s something most people don’t know about you?

That in addition to my year round Halloween decor of coffins and skulls, I also have shelves of kitty cat figurines, stuffed animals with HUUUGE eyeballs, and Furbies (minus the batteries because those fuckers start talking randomly at 3 am and it ages you twenty years.) I do have balance between light and dark.

18. What’s one of your favorite questions to ask new friends or to get a conversation going?

“Hey, Dude.”  I can tell if I am going to get along with someone by how they respond to being called dude. If their panties get in a bunch..see ya.

19. How would you explain your basic life philosophy?

If you think, you stink.

Oh, and, cautious optimism. Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst, always get pleasantly surprised if the worst doesn’t happen.

20. Would you rather be hated or forgotten?

Hmmm. I’d like to say hated because at least then I’d have struck some kind of chord. Then again, I’d rather be forgotten that be remembered like some fiend like Hitler or Charles Manson.

21. If you knew you would die tomorrow, would you feel cheated today?

I’ve actually come to terms with death…I can’t control it, it’s going to happen. I just don’t want to know it’s coming, the anxiety alone would make me commit suicide just to be done with it. So…I wouldn’t feel cheated. My daughter is my legacy and I managed to turn out a happy kid in spite of my own issues…It’s not a bad legacy.

End quote to live by:

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which mistakes to keep.

Anyone got any Change??!

I’m  so ready for some change I can taste it. I can’t keep doing the same things and expect things to be different.

I can’t:

Smoke all day, everyday

Not exercise

Not have any goals

I got to get a fucking grip with reality. Before I blamed it on my mental illness, but now I’m starting to realize that it just is me! Me me me

Now that I know… Knowing is half the battle but let the battle begin because I’m going to have to fight to keep myself in check.

Change is hard to find. 

On My Way to Wellness

Just a quick hello and letting my dear readers know I hope to have a post up this weekend detailing my medication, fitness and wellness progress. In the meantime, I hope you are all well! Take care!

Filed under: Uncategorized

On My Way to Wellness

Just a quick hello and letting my dear readers know I hope to have a post up this weekend detailing my medication, fitness and wellness progress. In the meantime, I hope you are all well! Take care!

Filed under: Uncategorized

Things That Make You Go @#$&!

I was gonna go with the old C and C Music Factory song, “Things that make you go hmm…” only change it to “things that you make you FUCK!…” Then I thought, why not throw some random angry characters out to make it more zippy? Sentence still ends in fuck, though, decoded. (And yes, I *like* that song C and C song, but only for drunken dancing.)

Ventured into the dish for the first time but skipped the madhouse of Aldi. My kid was uber hyper and defiant and I just couldn’t do battle. We went to the convenience store then to a Family Dollar and that was enough for me. Came home. Waited for hours because mom wanted to see Spook and I came up with the idea of her staying the night ‘cos I REALLY need a break. Five hours later, the call finally came telling me they were home. On the way out, I noticed that my 32 gallon trash can had filled, and was overflowing with, rain, and I only set it out yesterday. It’s like a freaking monsoon. My yard needs mowed and I know the landlord is gonna be on my ass but it’s been raining six straight days, ffs.

Took my kid to my mom’s. It occurred to me after the fact that me simply saying “I need a break” to my mom is gonna result in me being bitten on the ass for weeks to come. My mom can say I need a break, but if I say it, I am a shit mother thinking only of herself. While I was out, one idiot lady almost backed over me in her fancy SUV as I walked across the lot. I was watching, well out of the way, and still, she came within three inches of hitting me! PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION, BITCH! I wish Smartphones would just fucking die. THEN on the way home I almost got hit again by someone who wasn’t even looking around them, they just deemed it their turn. I yelled “fuck” and “bitch” and “douchebag” more times than I can count.

Driving is hell. Hell is other people. I can’t handle the dish. I could live my life out in perpetuity alone and I’d be ok. But throw me in the dish…I’m falling apart and justly so. People are stupid. You can’t just drive for yourself and be wary. NOO, you absolutely cannot relax a second because you’re driving for yourself and every jackass checking their smartphone and yapping to their passenger about something on the smartphone. (no ONE is that important, get over it.)

PLUS I had a tire going flat so I had to stop for air, and it couldn’t even make it to the one station with free gas, NO, I had to go to the place that charges an dollar. FUCK! And as it was the used tired put on there, it may keep deflating and I have no money for a new one so once again, welcome to Fuckedsville, population me. And people are all around and there’s noise and I think they are all staring at me and I feel like a piece of China in a china shop with a bull on the loose…I kept it together but not without a thousand thoughts of just using my car as a battering ram and clawing all their eyeballs out with my nails.

No, it’s not rational. Fight or flight response doesn’t care.

I’ve teared up some more from Grey’s Anatomy. Hormones, no doubt. It’s sooo nice to feel something. But I am fairly certain once the curse has come and gone, I will be right back to dead inside numb. I think I am about done with this show, anyway. I’m on season 3 and they’ve had six cancer cases involving lady parts and suddenly I feel like my ovaries and uterus are out to get me and gonna kill me no matter how vigilant I am and the panic kicks in and it’s the fucking truth…I watched my aunt (by marriage, only five years my senior) battle ovarian cancer for almost 5 years. Cured, remission, cured, remission, dead. She never smoked a cigarette, exercised, played sports, went to church, had a positive attitude…

THAT is precisely why I stopped trying to control my health. I can go to a dozen doctors every single day. If I have the cancer gene, it’s happening. Period. If it doesn’t, excellent. If it does…I’m not caught unawares.

Thing with me and medical paranoia is…at some point logic loses out to the panic so I have to walk away for my own good. I LOOOVED Mystery Diagnosis. Unfortunately, I began to think I had every obscure illness they featured based on one or two symptoms. Because I am so scared that no matter how perfect I do things…Cancer, and catastrophe, are in my genes. (Honestly, my mom is kid number ten and she’s lost eight siblings to cancer, so HELLOO?) Fuck it, I am just gonna live the way I want while I can because NONE of us know whether we’ll be hit by a bus tomorrow or some crackhead will hold up the store we’re in and shoot us.

Perhaps it’s that uncertainty that keeps me in a constant state of anxiety. You. Just. Don’t. Know. NO ONE knows. And while “God’s will” may comfort most, I find it absolute bullshit. (I am not trying to insult anyone’s faith, but this is MY blog and this is how I feel.) I think this was why I had to shun E.R. I just got too paranoid and too panicky to handle it. I went back, after the series ended, of course, but during its run…Nope. I couldn’t.

I’ve gotten my beckoning call from his highness. Since mom has the spookster til noon tomorrow, and he called shortly after 7 pm, I am okay with it. I just get so sick of being expected to be gracious and polite when my bare minimum limits keep getting stomped on like I don’t even exist…GRRR. Things that make you go, HELP ME HIDE THIS CORPSE!

I have sooo much I need to do, should do, but…I get so little me time all I want to do is vegetate. I’ve sorted most of the laundry, folded and put away towels…I did a *bit*. Now…Knowing I have to face R-sole at 8 a.m. I think I need sleep. A reboot.When really I wanted to stay up late and write or try to write and enjoy my mommy time. Instead, dish dwellers had to intrude with demands and I am not good at juggling, especially during shark week hormoney time.

I thought earlier I was doing “better”. I am not so sure now. The anxiety when dealing with the dish and noise just never goes away. I feel like such a lost cause. I know it’s frustration talking but zero fucks are given.

The best thing that could ever happen to me would be to find some way to earn money at home from the computer so I can pick and choose when I am *able* to deal with the petri dish. It sounds selfish but it’s not. People in wheelchairs get wheelchair ramps. Why can’t I just get a petri dish free way to earn a living?

Oh, right. Because mental illness isn’t real. Maybe I should throw myself off a balcony. Broken bones are real. I doubt it’d count for shit. I’m *mental.”