Daily Archives: June 17, 2015

Let me start by saying I walked the 5k.  Let me follow that up by saying I was doing almost nothing physical before that.

Some of you will remember my last post, the one where I owned my weight (216 lbs.) and said I was ready to do something to change it.

I went to the doctor on May 18th and talked to him about my weight.  I wrote about it on May 20th.  And May 23rd I walked a 5k.  My first ever.

Was it wise to go from almost no activity to a 5k?  Maybe not.  I was hurting a lot afterward.  But I honestly think it was the best way for me.

Why did I do it?  Let me explain.

First, I was motivated by my weight (ugh!).  Second, I had a bit of a rush from knowing some of the meds I was on were likely making me gain weight and I was getting off almost all of them.  (Seriously, being able to blame the meds was a nice lift.)  Third, the last two years we've walked in the Chiari Walk Across America (because my daughter has a Chiari I malformation), and I had walked over two miles both times, and a 5k is 3.1 miles.  So I was pretty sure I could do it, even if I had to take it very slow.  But the biggest reason is because I wanted to so bad!

This 5k was in honor of the daughter of a couple I went to high school with.  She died in an accident when she was just 15 months old.  Her name is Elle and this was the Live wElle 5k.  I'd known about it for three or four years.  I'd wanted to participate in it ever since I heard about it, but I knew I couldn't.  I knew I wasn't ready.  This time I was.  And the title seemed to indicate it was the right one to start with.  I am trying to live well!

It was amazing!

But it was also hard.  And I learned a lot.

Before the race, with three of my kids.

That's me on the right, with the dark blue jacket and gloves.  It was very cold.  I was also wearing my yoga pants (because you have to wear comfortable pants, right?).  I wore my hair down for warmth, and curled it because I knew I'd see people I know there and didn't want to be hideous.  I brought a clip to pull it up as I warmed up.  I figured I'd just tie my jacket around my waist as it got warmer.

Me at the end of the race.

That's me on the left at the end of the race.  That was the only time I jogged, and it was because we were near the finish line.  You have to run across the finish line, right?  Oh, by the way, it's tough to run (or jog) when your feet and legs are numb.  Just sayin'.

Let me tell you what's wrong with this picture.  No matter how cold it is when the race starts - NO JACKET!  Seriously.  I found out I hated walking with something around my waist.  A few blocks is one thing.  Three miles is quite another.  And my clip kept slipping.  Seriously, pull that dang hair up in a ponytail.  No one cares what you look like.  No one.  And don't wear boot cut yoga pants.  Or a t-shirt of material you don't like, even if it's the race shirt.  Or heavy tennis shoes.  (Okay, those were the only tennis shoes I owned, so I really didn't have many other options.)

I was really excited.  I was totally stoked!  I knew I was going to rock this thing.  And then, two blocks after I started, this thought went through my mind, "What the hell have I done?"

Two blocks in.  And I've still got over three miles to go.  There's no way on this earth I'm going to be able to finish.  But, dang it, I spent money on this.  And I want to do this for my friends.  And, seriously, how humiliating would it be to have to be rescued?  So I kept going.

That first mile I thought I was going to die!  Probably not literally, but I thought I might pass out and have to be tended to.  Even though I was being careful and going at my own pace.

But guess what.  I didn't die.  After about a mile, my legs went numb.  And things got easier after that.  When you can't feel your legs and feet, they don't hurt.  Plus, passing that one mile sign is awesome!  Not nearly as awesome as the halfway sign, but still awesome.

Once I hit the halfway point I stepped up my pace.  I was feeling pretty good now.  And, gosh darn it, I was pretty sure I could pass some of those people right in front of me.  I went into the race planning to just walk my speed.  What was comfortable.  Not compete with anyone.  But since I'd paced myself well in the beginning, I had a bit more to give in the second half.  And I could see others slowing down.  And it's just possible my competitive side kicked in.

I picked up my pace and passed many people.  That was cool!

I ended up finishing in 53 minutes and 38.1 seconds.  I was thrilled to have done it under an hour.  Yay me!

And two weeks later I did another one.  This time I finished in 48 minutes and 43 seconds.  I took almost 5 minutes off my time!  Yay me again!

And this is what I wore for that race.

Much better clothing choices.

New, lighter shoes.  A lot less clothing.  Boy, was that a more enjoyable race!

But the most important thing I learned from that first 5k?  I learned I could do it!

We did it!

Let me start by saying I walked the 5k.  Let me follow that up by saying I was doing almost nothing physical before that.

Some of you will remember my last post, the one where I owned my weight (216 lbs.) and said I was ready to do something to change it.

I went to the doctor on May 18th and talked to him about my weight.  I wrote about it on May 20th.  And May 23rd I walked a 5k.  My first ever.

Was it wise to go from almost no activity to a 5k?  Maybe not.  I was hurting a lot afterward.  But I honestly think it was the best way for me.

Why did I do it?  Let me explain.

First, I was motivated by my weight (ugh!).  Second, I had a bit of a rush from knowing some of the meds I was on were likely making me gain weight and I was getting off almost all of them.  (Seriously, being able to blame the meds was a nice lift.)  Third, the last two years we've walked in the Chiari Walk Across America (because my daughter has a Chiari I malformation), and I had walked over two miles both times, and a 5k is 3.1 miles.  So I was pretty sure I could do it, even if I had to take it very slow.  But the biggest reason is because I wanted to so bad!

This 5k was in honor of the daughter of a couple I went to high school with.  She died in an accident when she was just 15 months old.  Her name is Elle and this was the Live wElle 5k.  I'd known about it for three or four years.  I'd wanted to participate in it ever since I heard about it, but I knew I couldn't.  I knew I wasn't ready.  This time I was.  And the title seemed to indicate it was the right one to start with.  I am trying to live well!

It was amazing!

But it was also hard.  And I learned a lot.

Before the race, with three of my kids.

That's me on the right, with the dark blue jacket and gloves.  It was very cold.  I was also wearing my yoga pants (because you have to wear comfortable pants, right?).  I wore my hair down for warmth, and curled it because I knew I'd see people I know there and didn't want to be hideous.  I brought a clip to pull it up as I warmed up.  I figured I'd just tie my jacket around my waist as it got warmer.

Me at the end of the race.

That's me on the left at the end of the race.  That was the only time I jogged, and it was because we were near the finish line.  You have to run across the finish line, right?  Oh, by the way, it's tough to run (or jog) when your feet and legs are numb.  Just sayin'.

Let me tell you what's wrong with this picture.  No matter how cold it is when the race starts - NO JACKET!  Seriously.  I found out I hated walking with something around my waist.  A few blocks is one thing.  Three miles is quite another.  And my clip kept slipping.  Seriously, pull that dang hair up in a ponytail.  No one cares what you look like.  No one.  And don't wear boot cut yoga pants.  Or a t-shirt of material you don't like, even if it's the race shirt.  Or heavy tennis shoes.  (Okay, those were the only tennis shoes I owned, so I really didn't have many other options.)

I was really excited.  I was totally stoked!  I knew I was going to rock this thing.  And then, two blocks after I started, this thought went through my mind, "What the hell have I done?"

Two blocks in.  And I've still got over three miles to go.  There's no way on this earth I'm going to be able to finish.  But, dang it, I spent money on this.  And I want to do this for my friends.  And, seriously, how humiliating would it be to have to be rescued?  So I kept going.

That first mile I thought I was going to die!  Probably not literally, but I thought I might pass out and have to be tended to.  Even though I was being careful and going at my own pace.

But guess what.  I didn't die.  After about a mile, my legs went numb.  And things got easier after that.  When you can't feel your legs and feet, they don't hurt.  Plus, passing that one mile sign is awesome!  Not nearly as awesome as the halfway sign, but still awesome.

Once I hit the halfway point I stepped up my pace.  I was feeling pretty good now.  And, gosh darn it, I was pretty sure I could pass some of those people right in front of me.  I went into the race planning to just walk my speed.  What was comfortable.  Not compete with anyone.  But since I'd paced myself well in the beginning, I had a bit more to give in the second half.  And I could see others slowing down.  And it's just possible my competitive side kicked in.

I picked up my pace and passed many people.  That was cool!

I ended up finishing in 53 minutes and 38.1 seconds.  I was thrilled to have done it under an hour.  Yay me!

And two weeks later I did another one.  This time I finished in 48 minutes and 43 seconds.  I took almost 5 minutes off my time!  Yay me again!

And this is what I wore for that race.

Much better clothing choices.

New, lighter shoes.  A lot less clothing.  Boy, was that a more enjoyable race!

But the most important thing I learned from that first 5k?  I learned I could do it!

We did it!

With every breath, it feels as if your lungs are collapsing.  I’ve been there and back so many times before.  What could I do differently?  How could I change this piece of the puzzle?  It’s such an odd experience when you feel so empty but so full of pain at the same time.  The days are lonely.  The nights are hard.  When you sleep, you never dream of anything but grief. 

If actions speak louder than words, I’ll have to scream at the top of my lungs.  Words are all I have. 

I never thought I would be so very alone in life.  I can no longer find the means to trust anyone.  I’ve been running around with my heart on a silver platter for nearly 15 years, begging someone to take just enough to fill the void, leaving what I need to give to the man I love.  Thank God for him, truly.  I hate myself that I can’t just accept our life and our love as enough.  I’m so grateful that he is in my life.  It nearly kills me that I can’t be the person that I need to be.

Thoughts keep running through my head.  You’ll regret this little breakdown when something bad really does happen.  Regret, regret…regret.  Why does it feel like I exist on the negative energy that word represents?  It’s so quiet here in this moment.  Yet, allI can hear is noise.  The tight feeling in my chest never seems to go away.  I’m bored with this.  Fed up with each and every emotion that grips me right now.  Why couldn’t it be something else? 

I’m terrified of the future, and I can’t forget the past.  I feel stuck in the present, silently willing myself to move forward, but so afraid I can’t.  I’m trying to grow and learn from my life.  But, I’ve studied this chapter a thousand times.  It never changes.  Don’t you dare try to tell me that I have to change it.  Do you know how often and how hard I’ve tried?  Every single day is a struggle in this life.  Right now I’m losing the battle, and will surely lose the war. 

My head is cloudy.  Words are jumbled together. Emotions are piled one on top of the other. 

It didn’t take long for them to become inseparable.  The lonely young girl was the happiest she had ever been.  They made up games together, drew pictures, loved the same music and talked on the phone constantly.  The little blond girl lived in her subdivision, and it didn’t take long to get to her house on her bike.  They spent every weekend together.  They just laughed and laughed. 

Unfortunately, 5^thgrade was the only school year they spent together.  The little blond girl’s parents didn’t want to be together anymore, and she was moving away with her mom.  Even though it was only about an hour away, it felt like thousands of miles.  They sent letters every day and called each other until their parents yelled about the phone bill. 

Her father had visitation with her on the weekends, so they still spent every weekend together, and she almost always spent at least one school vacation with the little blond girl.  The young girl became lonely once again, but always took pride in her “Best Friend” with whom she shared everything.  Even as she got older and made new, very close friends, the little blond girl was always her bestfriend. 

Gradually, the lonely young girl began to notice that the little blond girl was changing.  When they both entered high school, they started to grow apart.  They still saw each other on the weekends, but not as often.  Every other friend that the lonely young girl had knew about the little blond girl.  They heard all of the stories and saw all of the pictures they used to take together, both of them having a love of photography.

When it was time to graduate high school, sadness came over the lonely young girl.  She hadn’t ever really like academics, and didn’t win any scholarships, or even qualify for financial aid.  While the little blond girl had a college picked out already and couldn’t wait to go. 
The lonely young girl knew nothing would be the same again, but she tried to be hopeful. 

They would get together every so often, and after some initial awkward conversation, they seemed to get right back into the swing of things. At least, for a little while.  They were changing, and the lonely young girl knew it.  They were leading two different lives, and the little blond girl just didn’t have a place for her anymore. 

The lonely girl spent a great deal of time missing the little blond girl, and clutching on to her happy memories.  Something was wrong with the lonely girl, and it was making her more and more sad.  The little blond girl didn’t seem to notice.  The lonely girl struggled in silence with a disease she couldn’t explain, let alone control.

One day the little blond girl told the lonely girl that she had met someone, and planned to get married.  She was excited for her friend.  All she ever wanted was for her to be happy.  The little blond girl started planning her wedding, and the lonely girl wondered who would be in the wedding?  Where would it be?  What color would her dress be?  She had yet to be asked to be in the wedding and was certainly not included in the wedding planning.  When the lonely girl had met someone a few years prior and began to plan her wedding, the first person she thought of and called was the little blond girl. 

One day, the lonely girl and the blond girl were spending some time together, and the little blond girl finally asked her to be in her wedding.  As a bridesmaid…and an afterthought.  The lonely girl, of course,agreed, as she still had just as much love in her heart for her friend as she ever had.  Eventually, the little blond girl announced that after she was married, she would be moving far, far away to start a new life.  The lonely girl was devastated. 

When the lonely girl finally did get married, it had to be planned quickly with not much expense, and the little blond girl wasn’t even able to attend.  However, they had grown so far apart that the lonely girl didn’t think her friend was upset in the least.  She had a whole new life.  The last time the lonely girl truly felt like she had a special place in the little blond girl’s heart was when she called her to tell her she was expecting her first child. 

Nothing was ever the same after that. The lonely girl learned to cherish any little bit of attention she received from the little blond girl and tried desperately to remain in her life. 

The lonely girl wasn’t as much fun or outgoing as the little blond girl.  She wasn’t thin; she didn’t have a lot of money, children, or even like similar things much anymore.  She felt like a burden to her active, busy friend.  Still, if she got a card, a text message, or a phone call, she was ecstatic. 

While the lonely woman struggled with her disease, the death of her mother, and even her brother, she had hopes that the blond woman would reach out to her.  When the lonely woman attempted to take her own life in 2013, the blond woman did contact her husband to find out how she was.  However, the concern didn’t last long, and things returned to the way they were.

Even though she isn’t on the same level financially, physically, or intellectually, the lonely woman would reach out to her friend almost every week.  She sent her a text every time she was watching a movie.  Her friend sent photos of her children, which the lonely woman framed and hung on her wall proudly.  Such a beautiful family she had. 

It became crystal clear to the lonely girl that the blond girl had long since stopped calling her “Best Friend.”  While the lonely girl spent 30 years talking about her “Best Friend” or her “Best Friend in Chicago”.  She felt left behind and not good enough.  The blond girl had made a lot of friends in college that appeared to fill whatever gaps she might have in her life. 

Every single day, this lonely girl grieves the loss of the most amazing friendship she ever had.  It was as if we were meant to meet in 5^thgrade, and I never felt as if anything could keep us apart for long.  However, I have had no choice but to step back.  It has been far too painful to be left so far behind.  It kills me to know that the last 30 years, I put all of my heart and soul into quite frankly loving this woman more than a sister, and I have barely been an afterthought.  To the little blond girl, you know who you are.  I miss what we once were to each other.  I’ve always been proud to be able to say I’ve had you for a best friend since 5^th grade.  But, that’s not true anymore is it? I guess life got in the way.  That may be true, but I firmly believe that if you love and care for someone, you are never too busy to connect with them on some level. It is true, I stopped texting, emailing, sending cards…all of it.  Do you want to know why?  Because it didn’t seem to matter to you anymore. I’ll always love you and cherish our memories.  I truly wish we had gotten to fulfill that dream of moving next door to each other, driving matching cars.  If you ever need me, I’ll be here…but I can’t face the pain of rejection any longer. 

That’s how I feel now that I’ve been on the lower dose of Geodon for several weeks now, and my brain hasn’t missed it! I’ve been stable even throughout surgery, pain, and hospitalization, which can trigger all sorts of mood changes. This bodes very well for continuing to decrease my medication burden to a point where I need less, or at least smaller doses of what I’m taking. Yippee!

I don’t want to get ahead of myself and start planning my next reduction, but it’s so tempting to try going down on the Zyprexa, which is what I’ll propose to Dr. Awesomesauce at my upcoming visit in July. Of course, I’m under no illusions that I’ll ever come off antipsychotics completely…..there are simply too many complications for a single mood stabilizer to handle. I don’t EVER want to go back to where I was before everything fully kicked in. But oh, it would be so great if I could stay where I am on fewer drugs.

I can’t get over how amazingly NORMAL I feel, and how long it’s lasting. The severe mood swings of the past few years seem like a bad dream from which I’ve finally awakened; the only thing that reminds me of them is those two pill-minders sitting on my dresser, and of course Will and I occasionally talk about how good things are now that the bipolar beast has been whipped into submission. I realize that taking the meds consistently is a good part of the reason I’m doing so well, but it’s also the fact that my life is essentially low-stress now that the basics are covered and we’re going to have a permanent roof over our heads.

I can’t tell you what a relief it is that little is expected of me other than being a decent citizen and a loving wife, mother, grandmother and so on. Paying bills and dealing with people has become much easier for me since we got back on our feet. I don’t have to beat my head against a wall trying to find work that I can do, because someone who’s above my pay grade decided there is no such thing. I’m not lazy—I worked my ass off when I had a job—but not being obliged to work when I’m so clearly unable to withstand the demands of a job is a gift.

So why ever would I want to risk upsetting the apple cart by trying to cut back on meds? Number one, because Dr. A wants to try and I’m willing to experiment now that I really am stable; and number two, because there needs to be a next level if/when my symptoms get out of hand again. He wants to be able to give me a PRN “take-down” drug if, say, my mania were to erupt during my trip, or a fast acting antidepressant if it’s almost time to go “downstairs”. As it is, I’m already maxed out on Lamictal, I’m on a moderate dose of Geodon and a mid-sized dose of Zyprexa. There’s a lot of room to go up on the Celexa, but he won’t give it to me because it throws me into mania at a therapeutic dose. And the Klonopin could stand an increase simply because I’m on the smallest dose they make.

But what I need is an ace in the hole, something I could take in the event of a major mood episode and for only as long as it takes to bring it under control. I’ve had so many crises in which either new drugs or higher doses have been introduced, and I never seem to be able to get off them once my system gets used to them. This needs to stop. And getting along without that 20 mg of Geodon is a good first step. Go me!

 

 

Nicked this meme from the shouty, sweary queen of caps lock.

1.How are you, really?

Melancholy bifuckingpolar depression.
2. How do you feel right now? What are you thinking about?
Miserable as sin and sighing my way towards my daily dose of pill-induced oblivion or pill-negating wakefulness. I’m doing my best not to think, it only gets me into trouble.
3.What’s your favorite color?
Apparently 40% of humanity (plus me) prefers blue.
4. What’s your favorite food.?
Oranges. They’re not the only fruit.
5. What’s your favorite dessert?
Just ones. And if they’re off the menu, I’ll take a slice of humble pie with whipped scream and I scream.
6. How old are you?
44
7. What have you learned today?
That vision zooming in and out like a lens can be a sign of epilepsy.
8. What was your favorite subject in school?
English.
9. What do you do?
When there’s work, I write and edit in a freelancery fashion.
10. What are some of your favorite books?
Lord of the Rings, After Dark (Murakami), Pattern Recognition (William Gibson), Generation X (Douglas Coupland), the.powerbook (Jeanette Winterson), Trencherman (Eben Venter), The Long Silence of Mario Salviati (Etienne le Roux), The Life and Times of Michael K (JM Coetzee), Manda Scott’s Boudicca series, My Name is Asher Lev (Chaim Potok)… etc
11. What are some of your favorite movies?
Lord of the Rings, Cool Hand Luke, Drunken Master, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Three Colours: Blue, Big Blue, The Matrix.
12. What kind of music are you into?i
Alt rock, pop, and country. Alt most things. Ballads by beautiful boys with guitars, or women with sublime voices. Old school hip hop. Thrash metal, Classical music that’s heavy on the strings. Bout the only thing that makes me want to stab my own eardrums is R&B, but you can stick most mainstream chart stuff up your ass too.
Upbeat playlist:

Downbeat:

13. If you were going to write a book, what would you call it and what would it be about?
The Blank Page. It’d be empty.
14. What’s one of the scariest things you’ve ever done?
Telling my mum I’m queer.
15. What accomplishment are you most proud of?
Banishing abuse flashbacks.
16. Are you married?
Nope.
17. How did you meet your spouse / girlfriend / boyfriend?
I’ll let you know.
18. Do you think it’s better to get married when you’re young or better to wait a while?
Yes.
19. Do you have any kids?

Ex-stepkids are still in my life, plus a moomin.
20. Have you ever thought of adopting?
Yup.
21. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A veterinarian, a bartender, a medical technologist, a journalist, an archaeologist, English literature PhD, happy.
22. How did you get into your profession?
Luck and lies.
23. Would you recommend your profession to other people? Why / Why not?
Nope, there’s little enough work to go round and I think you’d be just darling as a rocket scientist.
24. What do you do for fun?
What is this ‘fun’ of which you speak? It seems like that word is halfway between love and hate where activities are concerned and I’m an extremist. Reading, listening to music, looking at art, watching wildlife, taking photos, making love and fucking.
25. Do you like traveling?
It was a major thing for me when I was younger, but when I travel now, I ache to be back home with my dog and my sky.
26. If you could visit any country in the world, where would you go?
Tahiti.
27. Who are some people you’d like to meet someday?
I don’t know.
28. If someone asked you to give them a random piece of advice, what would you say?
Enjoy failure, it’s the best advice I know.
29. What’s one of your favorite habits you have?
Bad puns.
30. What are some things that make you really happy?
Please refer to my replies to question 24.
31. What are some things that make you really sad?

Loss.
32. What are some things that scare you?
Loss, phones, forms, general admin and frogs.
33. Do you like to plan things out in detail or be spontaneous?
Plan, since realising that spontaneity kept wrecking my life.
34. Are you a religious person?
No, I’m not even spiritual.
35. If you could go back in history, who would you like to meet?
History can mean five minutes ago, so – my mother.
36. Would you rather live in the country or in the city?
Country.
37. What was your life like growing up?
Hell.
38. What were you like in high school?
Runty, quiet, loner.
39. Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many?
Lots and none at all.
40. What’s your favorite part about today so far?
Writing.
41. Who in your life has influenced you the most? How did they do it?
My mother, just by being who she was.
42. What’s your favorite joke?

Thank fuck this was online, there’s no way I was going to type it out.
The lone ranger gets captured by the Apache Indians. They inform Lone that before they kill him they will give him one wish. Lone says, “I want to talk to Silver (his horse, of course). So he walks over to Silver and wispers some thing into his ear and Silver runs off across the plains. About a half hour later, Silver returns with a very beautiful naked blonde woman on his back.
The Indians were very impressed with this and decided to give him fifteen minutes with the blonde and another wish.
Lone went with the blonde and when he returned the Indians asked, “What do you want for your second wish”. Lone said, “I want to talk to Silver”. Lone again whispered into Silvers ear and Silver ran across the plains. Returning about a half hour later, Silver had a georgous naked redhead on his back. The Indians gave him fifteen minutes with this redhead.
The Indians thought that it was so noble of this white man to want these beautiful women as his dying wish that they decided to give him just one more wish. Lone said, “I want to talk to Silver”.
This time Lone walked over to Silver and tugged rather hard on his mane and kind of cranked his head into an awkward position and said, ” I said ‘posse’ You stupid animal, ‘posse’.
43. Have you ever tried sushi? (Did you like it?)
Yes I love it.
44. Do you like spicy food?
Yes.
45. How do you like your steak cooked?
Medium rare when my stomach is okay and embarrassingly medium when it isn’t.
46. Do you have a favorite number? Any particular reason why you like that number?
47, a friend of mine used it whenever a random number was useful so eventually I did too.
47. If you were a type of animal, what would you be and why?
https://youtu.be/xQeZS2l5mDg
48. What’s one of the strangest things you’ve ever done?
Embroidery.
49. What kind of vacations do you like?
Game reserves, cities I’ve never been to.
50. What are some of your major goals in life?

Outlive my dog by a day.
51. What are some of your smaller goals in life?
Get the house cleaned properly before rg gets here, see my fever tree grow sturdy enough to survive safely.
52. What do you like least about yourself?
Bipolar disorder.
53. What embarrasses you?
Seeming foolish.
54. If you could try out any job for a day, what would you like to try?
Neuroscience.
55. What’s your earliest memory?
Sitting in a junk shop talking to my godmother on the phone, telling her I’d lost my purple crayon.
56. What’s the best decision you ever made?
To go to the psychiatrist I still see.
57. Who’s your best / closest friend?
My dog.
58. What do you think people think of you?
Intelligent, funny, talks too much, pain in the ass.
59. What were your grades like in school?
They ranged from high to low.
60. If you could learn one random skill, what would you learn?
French.
61. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
Introvert, except when manic.
62. Have you ever taken a personality test? (How did the results turn out?)
Yeah, many. Apparently I do have a personality.
63. What’s the first thing you notice about people?
Their clothes.
64. Do you think people can control their own destiny?
The dictionary says destiny means 1. the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future 2. the hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future; fate.
I plead chaos theory and the butterfly effect.
65. Do you think all people are equally valuable, or do you think some people in certain situations might be more valuable than others (say, a severely retarded patient vs. a doctor who could potentially save hundreds of lives)?
On that sort of practical level, of course some are more valuable, that’s a stupid question. On a hippie level, we’re all equally valuable. Om. 
66. Do you think people are basically bad or basically good?
Good.
67. Do you think morals are universal or relative to the beliefs, traditions, and practices of individuals or groups?
Universal and influenced by all those other concepts.
68. Do you think God exists?
No.
69. Do you think any kind of afterlife exists?
No.
70. Do you vote? Why / Why not? If you do vote, how do you usually vote?
Yes/it’s my civic responsibility/none of your damn business.
71. Do you think gay people choose to be gay? Do you think straight people choose to be straight?
There’s scientific proof that it’s genetic in men and last time I looked, they were starting research into females.
72. Is torture ever a good option? If no, why not? If yes, when?
Never. Okay maybe if it’d save a child. Ack.
73. Would you kill an innocent person if you thought it might mean saving a dozen other people?
I don’t know and I hope I never have to find out.
74. What’s the most money you’ve ever given away?
None of your business.
75. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve ever made?
Adhering to routines.
76. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?
Moving continents repeatedly.
77. What do you think would be one of the best steps we could take toward ending poverty around the world?
Reboot society.
78. What do you think we could do to best improve the education system?
Pay teachers handsomely.
79. In general, what do you think about art?
The only art I dislike is theatre.
80. What are some of your favorite websites?
Whut? It’s all about the apps now.
81. What’s the biggest turnoff in a man/woman?
Superficiality.
82. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?
I can’t tell you.
83. What’s something most people don’t know about you?
That being very intelligent doesn’t preclude me being incredibly unintelligent in some areas.
84. What’s something you wish everyone knew about you?
That being very intelligent doesn’t preclude me being incredibly unintelligent in some areas.
85. What are some of the first things you do in the morning?
Open the door for my dog, pee, feed the dog, check my phone and tablet.
86. What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?
My mother’s death.
87. Do you cry easily?
Didn’t cry for many years, now I cry very easily indeed.
88. How do you feel about public speaking?
Oddly, considering my general social awkwardness, I’m comfortable with it.
89. Do you like to talk on the phone?
Hate, loathe, detest (except when it’s one of the chosen few, then I love it).
90. How many emails do you get each week, roughly?
Spam filters on, notifications off; I probably get a handful of worthwhile emails a week.

91. If someone were to make a movie about your life, who would you hope would play you?
Keanu Reeves
92. What’s one of your favorite questions to ask new friends or to get a conversation going?
How is your heart?
93. Would you ever sky dive or bungee jump?
Yes and no respectively.
94. Have you ever been in a fist fight?
A grouchy shortass punched me feebly in the back while I was washing dishes once, because apparently I thought I was so cool. An equally feeble slap in the face sorted her out.
95. What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled?
I don’t think I’ve ever pulled one.
96. What did you do on your 16th birthday?
I have absolutely no idea.
97. What do you think is one of the most undervalued professions right now?
Teachers, we pay them peanuts and then trust them with the minds and safety of the next generation.
98. How would you explain your basic life philosophy?
“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” Gandalf said that.
99. Would you rather be hated or forgotten?
Forgotten. If I wind up loathed, it means I died without becoming a better person than I was at the start of this whole life thing.
100. If you knew you would die tomorrow, would you feel cheated today?
Yes and no.