Daily Archives: June 2, 2015

I’ve been awake ninety minutes and already my gums hurt. This unconscious jaw and teeth grinding is a bucket of suck.  My gums are killing me, it’s amazing they aren’t gushing blood. I fear I may break my own jaw, I’m grinding so hard. And it’s not conscious, and I wasn’t doing it two months ago. The shrink says it’s not medication related but I’m not buying it. I remember when Sass was on the Latard and talking about the jaw clenching and my primary thought was, “Wow, the ONE side effect I DIDN’T get.” Even going off, it was never a problem. Enter Trileptal and suddenly, it’s this major issue. It blows goats to be in a place where you question your own sanity, and your doctor-the one who’s supposed to help you- tells you all your side effects are imaginary even when the stupid pharma companies admit it’s been reported.

I’m starting to wonder if the numbness is the Trileptal, too. Or maybe that one mixed with the Lamictal. I dunno. I’m just in this sucky place and I might as well be talking about the weather for all the affect my doctor shows.  Suckier is when the doctor is a nice pleasant person, cooperative, open to your input..And yet still so dismissive. I feel like the bad guy and yet…This is my life, this is what I live with daily.

The weirdo dreams continue. The other night it was a return to my teenage years and a shopping trip with my mother. Talk about trauma. I had dreams about being in sitcoms last night. Okay, maybe not terrifying, but definitely bizarre. Oh, and food, I’ve been dreaming about food. Then there was one where I was standing at the counter somewhere and this girl came in and she was wearing this black cobweb and fishnet tights and all I could think was, wow, those are awesome. Just..wtf.

Yesterday was…not so awful, if Novacaine brain is your thing. Of course, I could feel the anxiety to the bone marrow, set off by every tiny thing. Someone down the street playing music yet all I hear is THUD THUD THUD bass. Hell, I made a whole ranting list yesterday of observations of things setting off my anxiety. Should I post it? Hmmm… I got nothing else. Except the observation that once I pried myself out of bed this morning (taking the Xanax too late really makes waking up hard) I went outside to feed the stray cats and put out trash…And it’s sunny and warm and I said, “Good morning, kitties.” For one brief moment, I thought, hey maybe today won’t suck from the mental state. Nah. Just fleeting moments.

Okay…At the risk of some redundancy…yesterday’s countdown list of things that made my anxiety worse.

1.) Someone down the street is playing a stereo. Can’t hear music, just thud thud thud wall rattling bass. It makes me a nervous wreck, like hand wringing pulling out clumps of hair nervous.
2.) Squealing kids. Ugh, lock them back up, pleeease.
3.) My kid asking for a snack ten seconds after I just gave her one and admitting, “I had to give them to (j) so she’d be my friend.” Evil little monsters.
4.) The notion that by telling the truth in a blog about medications and side effects somehow influences people to go off their meds. I read on the internet snorting sea monkeys makes you high. I’m smart enough to not even wanna go there. Stupid is not my fault.
5.) That my anxiety is so high without a trigger, and it’s resulting in hives and itchiness.
6.) When a pill sticks to my tongue and starts to dissolve. EWWWWWWWWW. Takes forever to get that bitter taste to go away.
7.) Not being able to move an inch without a kitten hanging from me. It was sweet to wake up to a bed full of cats snuggling me. But I am so anxious and squirmy, I feel bad having to disturb them every time I move. You’d think they’d catch on that I might not be the comfiest place to rest but nope. They either adore me that much or my chair is that comfy.
8.) My kid yelling at me one minute, declaring I HAVE A BAD MOTHER. Then the next saying I am the best mom ever. Is that how I confuse people? Except I have no intent and am not throwing tantrums. My head hurts.
9.) The fact I can’t even listen to music without it making me feel like my skin is crawling off my bones. Not even Xanax makes the noise bearable. I don’t even know what the fuck that is. This goes beyond my fear of tainting music with my bad mental state. It absolutely sucks.
10.) The teeth gnashing. My gums are killing me, it’s amazing they aren’t gushing blood. I fear I may break my own jaw, I’m grinding so hard. And it’s not conscious, and I wasn’t doing it two months ago.
11.) My daughter’s fashion choices. She went with pink and gray striped shirt and black polka dotted pants. I figured what the hell since we’re going nowhere and I pick my battles. Could be I’m just too apathetic to care if she coordinates. She asked me to give her piggy braids and I did, but wow, they’re awful. I used to looove to do hair and was good at it. Now I am shit at everything.
12.) Incessant chatter. I’m not into utter silence but for some reason, certain things set me off. Thudding bass, high pitches, constant yapping. And it’s not like it puts me into a rage. If anything, it makes me feel nervous and a little scared. WTF.
13.) That the day seems interminable and it’s not even 2:30pm yet.
14.) It’s 6:42 pm and the day still seems like it will never end.
15.) I’m still anxious and irked even though I’ve not had to deal with the dish today and my kid has been busy playing outside, peacefully with friends, most of the day. I HATE feeling anxious with no trigger. The powers that be in mental healthcare seem to DEMAND a trigger to explain anxiety but with me…It’s wily nily even if it doesn’t fit into their neat little box.
16.) The fleeting feeling of little enjoyments. I made meatball subs for supper. They were very good and it made me feel good for the moment. Then…numb and dumb. Like, is it bedtime yet? But I can’t even enjoy sleep anymore because the bizarro dreams are fucking me up. Hell, last night I dreamt of being a teenager again and shopping with my mother. She was just as eevil then, it was just sporadic. Toxin spreading into my dreamscape is unacceptable. Nightmares as the default are not optimal.
17.) My Avon lady stopped by. And she’s got four kids, and the youngest is the Downe’s boy who’s been getting treated for the last six weeks for second degree burns, and he has to have appointments and treatments every day…And she’s still working, managing,and I am daring to complain??? That makes me feel shitty.
18.) It’s irking me how bad my body is aching today even though I’ve done nothing to warrant the ache and general bruised sensation in my skin and muscles. I’m just sore. I don’t know why, I don’t like it. And it’s not something that responds to Tylenol, it’s…Like every inch of me is bruised. No doubt it’s psychological. I’m sure even if I get a urinary tract infection, it’s because I willed it so with my anxiety. Everything is because of mental illness and neuroses.