Jury Duty

jury room

Today (Tuesday) I got a jury summons in the mail. I looked at it and about passed out. A million what ifs? flooded my mind. What if I started crying? Could I drive downtown alone? Would my meds make me too jittery? I really was in a panic.

I read through the whole thing and it looked like there were some places I could get an exception. My doctor just had to sign a note. I think my psychosis is a good excuse….even if I am not seeing things right now, stress makes all that worse. And I’ve served on a couple of juries. The entire activity is exhausting.

This summons came on the heels of another mediocre day.

I am sick of being sick. I am tired of being known as the “mentally ill” one.

I hate taking meds and dealing with their side effects. This Abilify especially sucks.

I’m tired of waking up in the morning about 4 and worrying about the day. And I HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! Nothing is going on in my life which is really stressful unless you count Danny and his grades. And that is all part of being a parent. I know it will pass.

I want to be a regular person.

I’ve already sort of separated my friends into a couple of groups. Those who are based on mental illness and those who are not. This doesn’t mean I just like these people because they have MI…I like them anyway…I think you know what I mean. My plan is to really discuss my bipolar with the other MI friends as much as possible. I want them to have me there for them as often as I can.

Wednesday: I got up and sent texts to my four friends with mental illness. I let them know I was thinking of them and that I was interested in hearing how their day was going. I hope to really be there and be strong for these people.

I have decided to take a break from my bipolar support group. It is somehow bringing me down. A friend of mine in there says the same thing. The group has grown to like TWENTY people and I only know about five of them. It’s just too much.

Thursday: On a negative front, my husband’s best childhood friend flew in unexpectedly from out of state. I absolutely hate this. Suddenly, we have to drop our plans and meet his needs. He has a new girlfriend and they fight on the phone constantly. I have NO chance for sanity with this group around.

Good news on my best friend! We are tentatively going to see each other THREE times this summer. Once in a week or so here at my place (just girl time), once meeting in another city with her husband, and once where she and her husband drive over here to spend some time. This is more than I have seen her in like five years put together.

I just hope it goes well. You might remember I had some really bad manic behavior and she and I had a split. It’s been a long time now since we patched it up, but I still feel like I am walking on eggshells around her. I just don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. But you have to be true to yourself. It’s not really a friendship if you’re not being yourself. Damn mania…it sure gets you in trouble.

Friday: Missed sort of a surprise birthday party at some friends. We had to cancel because of this stupid friend who flew in last minute. But they brought me over some cake (I ate it all!) and a gift.

My husband is off for a work thing but will be back this afternoon. Of course, then he is off with his friend. Thank god I feel better and can stay alone in the house. ONE GOOD THING about this friend. He is terribly allergic to cats so he can’t stay long in the house. Which is fine by me.

I talked to my psychologist today. Did you know you go on Medicare after one year of SSDI? Well, I didn’t. They also give you a supplemental policy. But it apparently doesn’t cover my psychologist. I guess she is actually a licensed social worker and not a Ph.D. I don’t know how I feel about changing docs. I’m not having any big problems right now, other than this creepy Abilify.

My husband was nice enough to take the jury summons down to my pdoc’s to get the excuse signed. He is supposed to pick it up today. I hope it works out. I just don’t think I am jury duty material.

I think I am in between stages. I want to be well and “normal” but that life is gone. I want to get up and go places but I want the security of my couch. I want something worthwhile to do but I am just too overwhelmed to commit. (Please do not tell me to volunteer at a school.)

Somehow I think this is a positive thing. My gut tells me I am moving toward an uncomfortable recovery.

Advice welcome.

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