Daily Archives: May 18, 2015

The Pleasures of Abilify


Well, this is a crappy day.

I am really caught between two places: Abilify (hell) and no Abilify (hell).

Side effects of Abilify driving me crazy: insomnia, excess hunger, restlessness, irritability, depressed thoughts.

If you were around when I was in the hospital you know they put me on Abilify as an adjunct to Wellbutrin. Sort of to pep me up a bit and get my ass off the couch. The first few days of Abilify made me want to crawl out of my skin. So the hospital doctor gave me a week’s worth of Valium.

I can’t describe what is wrong with me. I am irritable, bored, very lonely, and feel like my skin is leaping around. I felt a twinge of depression yesterday.

My husband left this morning to go to my daughter’s class and show them his rock collection. He did this with one of his best friends so they are spending the afternoon together.

I’ve been on the phone making arrangements for the summer. We’ve got a lot going on here and there and have about three people left to get scheduled. Many of my friends are teachers so we work around that. But I am glad to go visiting in the summer as it is hot here.

I’ve also been organizing my husband’s 60th birthday party. We’re having about 20 people at a restaurant. Very simple for me. Just pick up the phone and send a few texts.

I’ve decided not to go to my women’s support group today.

Tomorrow sucks. I have to return a suit jacket that doesn’t fit and pray they have the right size to exchange it for. I have to go to the personal trainer. And then there is bipolar group. I just get tired.

Wednesday I am OFF. Hopefully, another day in bed.

Thursday I have a weigh in and an early dinner party in honor of my birthday. I can hardly ditch that.

And then Friday lunch with my guy friend from high school.

So I am at a crossroads. Do I take Abilify and suck it up and go out? Or do I give it up and just lie down?

I am so sensitive right now. I was going to chat with my best friend but she told me she had to have lunch with another friend. Because I am so up and down that really stung.

I have texted some friends here and they are all supportive. But for how long? How long can I be the sick one? It gets so boring. I’m bored with it…I imagine they are too. Thank god I have a lot of friends. They keep me going.

I took some Klonopin today to calm me down. I do feel more relaxed. But daily Klonopin is probably not a good answer. But as sucky as the Abilify is, I am getting up and out more.

So here I sit…lonesome and bored. I hope your day is better.



Happy Anniversary

Eighteen years ago today, my husband and I married. That’s beautiful Lake Tahoe behind us. Still in love after all these years. I love my husband most of all for being a loving father to our son. Yes, he adores me.…

My Best Friend Is Dying

AT the end of last week my best friends husband called me to tell me just how far down hill she had gotten. I was told she has two-three weeks to live peacefully at home. I was also told she was experiencing a lot of dementia because of the tumors on her brain.

I feel so much pain right now. I love this woman only second to my husband. She’s the one who always kicks my ass when I’m having a self pity party. She is the only person who calls me Kit. She has made the last 14 years of my love fun and showed me it was okay to care about people.

I’ve spent the last four days high as a kite trying to suppress my heart ache and grief.

Less than a month ago we were talking about her coming to visit me.

I’ve been working on a painting for her and it’s now impossible to paint, my mind has drawn a blank.

I hurt so much. I can’t even imagine how she or her husband feels.

She came on aim and told me she was going to miss me. I’m going to miss her more than I think she can even imagine.

I’m doing horribly at dealing with this and I know self medicating is not the best choice but it’s keeping me from becoming a fucking mess.

Dani, I love you more than you can ever possibly know.

Been a long long..

Last post was ages ago. I was waiting for my Assessment meeting, hoping for diagnosis. Obviously that was overly optimistic, due to me knowing nothing of the system back then.

Things have changed a bit in the past 6 months.

I’m on Week 13 of CBT to address my anxiety (as opposed to my bipolar issues). It’s going ok, but it isn’t helping one iota with the lows, the highs, the suicidal thoughts, the despair. I learnt the general idea of CBT in no time; recognise one’s ‘bad thoughts’ and turn them into ‘good thoughts’. Theory’s great, isn’t it?!

Some other, scary, stuff has surfaced. Physical and psychological abuse going back to childhood, from my mother. Nothing sexual has surfaced.

I come out of some sessions exhausted. Sometimes they trigger hypomanic episodes.

I’ve seen the psychiatrist twice. I almost walked out that first time; she was arrogant, unprofessional (imho), confrontational, unhelpful and with no empathy whatsoever. She told me there was no chance of getting a diagnosis; there were only a few doctors in the Authority assigned to such a thing and thousands waiting for diagnosis already.

She wrote down the names of 4 medications and suggested I go home and Google them to see which one I fancied trying (yes, really). Lithium… hmm, don’t think so. Quetiapine… I think not. At the end of the day I have to get up early and go to work, do that job whilst alert, and more importantly keep that job and not spend months at a time ‘on the sick’ for fear of losing that job. I’m a single parent 50% of the time too.

Same goes for treating my chronic insomnia (I haven’t slept right through the night even once in 20 years); I have to get up at 6.30am for work or the school run. Sleeping tablets aren’t conducive to such social commitments.

So at our 2nd meeting I had to decline the offer of medication for my (undiagnosed) bipolar II. And go with the CBT for now. After all, I’m still alive after a lifetime of this illness. And as the psychiatrist said, I shouldn’t have such a strong work ethic, should I?

I contacted MIND to see what courses and support it could give me. As with the ‘system’, those of us who fight to hold down a job aren’t catered for; the courses happen during office hours, on the whole.

When the CBT ends, which of course it will do, I’ll be dealing with this again with no treatment or support. As if the past year+ of seeking treatment and support has never existed.

Who knows what the answer is? I’m not even certain of the question.

Where do I end and my bipolar disorder begin?

Originally posted on Bipolar Whispers:

Being bipolar means I am a mixture of several different things at once.  But doesn’t being a person without a mental illness mean the same thing?  Where do we begin to know which aspects of ourselves are who we are or what aspects are the mental illness taking over?  Where do I end and my bipolar disorder begin?  Or my other diagnoses begin?  Maybe there is a fine line between them.

Some things are obvious.  I know anxiety is a part of my mental illness.  I understand that once I feel the familiar squeeze of my heart, the butterflies fluttering, all trying to escape the cocoon at the same time, while my heart is skipping a beat and a weight is squarely on my chest.  Even though in the moment I feel so bad, I know this is part of my mental illness and I know it will pass.  Even…

View original 830 more words

There’s No Big Red Warning Sign on Toxic People


Who are toxic people, and how do you keep them out of your life? Toxic people are different for everyone. Psychology Today states, “the hallmark of being in a toxic relationship is about feeling bad after being around the other person.”

Do you have someone in your life you think is toxic? They may well not be toxic to someone else, but the key is knowing what is toxic for you. A toxin is a poisonous substance. So who in your life do you need to keep at a distance? Who makes you feel upset, tired or down. Who brings out poor behaviour in you? These people are probably toxic for you. It can be difficult to determine who is toxic. There’s no big red warning sign on toxic people. You have to figure it out yourself.

Probably the biggest character trait that comes to mind when you think of toxic people is negativity. Negative thinking and negative talking are damaging to your own psyche. People like that can suck your energy and bring you down. You need to be careful when being around negative people. Negativity is contagious. You can absorb it like a sponge. And worst of all, negativity creates stress. Stress is one of the most detrimental triggers for those with bipolar disorder.

Though negative people are perhaps the most well-known toxic people, other character traits to be careful of include people who are overly controlling or are demanding. These types of people can also wreak havoc on your daily life. Other toxic people are those who are jealous, liars or gossipers. These people can continue to cause harm. You should keep these people at arm’s length.

Avoid drama in your life. Drama is over-the-top behaviour and reactions to situations. The overly dramatic person is an attention-seeker who often causes problems where none exists. As a person with bipolar disorder, you have enough challenges in your life without adding to them. Reduce regular contact with the dramatic person in your life. Too much drama can increase your anxiety and, therefore, make it difficult to be relaxed.

Judgmental people are negative thinkers. They can put you down and bring you down. These people will judge you and your disease. And they judge others. That can be equally distressful. Maybe they just don’t understand, or don’t want to understand. Bullies are toxic people too. Bullies create a hateful environment for everyone.

Toxic people can be manipulative and unsupportive. They make you feel uncomfortable. Toxic people tend to be self-centred. Recognize that this is all about them. Not you. Surround yourself with people that make you feel good. Choose like-minded people who understand you. When negativity rears its ugly head, don’t let it make a home in your head.

An Eventful Weekend

Well, we were very busy this weekend!  My younger two daughters had their dance recital for the end of the year.  IT was their teacher’s 50th dance recital, and she had fifty numbers, each one celebrating each year of her professional life.  But it really was wonderful to celebrate with her.  We’ve been there for fourteen of those years, so just like everyone else, we have our own tradition now of going to the recital and enjoying it.  Luckily this year she was able to do it in the afternoon instead of at night so my parents could come.  THey had come to the small competitions when my middle girl was younger but had never been to a recital.   They seemed to enjoy it except for some of the louder numbers–my dad is heard of hearing and loud music creates havoc with his hearing aids.

Then yesterday we celebrated the two older girls’ birthdays with out family. The oldest and the middle have birthdays two days apart in April, but we had to wait for the oldest to come home from college to celebrate them together.  They got  lot of fun stuff and some practical as well, so that went well.  It was short–Bob’s parents had to catch a flight to Dallas on their way to Australia for a month, and His sister’s family had some obligations to go to.  But we enjoyed the company while we had it and hugged everyone goodbye when it was over.

So this week is the last week of school for my younger ones, so they are looking forward to Friday when they get out.  The middle one is going to work for my husband’s company occasionally as a file clerk, and the youngest has dance commitments until July.  WE have a family trip to St. Louis planned and a trip for dance planned as well.  Both younger ones are going to summer camp, and the oldest is looking for work and taking a couple of summer classes online.  So we look forward to an eventful summer this year.

Hope everyone had a good week–keep reading!



I’ve scheduled some posts for a while and I won’t be around for a short while. Only reason I think it needed saying, is that I haven’t replied to comments on my last post or two and obviously that’ll continue while I’m taking the brief blogbreak. Far more importantly, I won’t be commenting on your posts either. I didn’t want anyone to be sad and /or grumpy because I’m not visiting.

It’s not you, it’s me (LOL).



Mondays Suck…Let’s Laugh It Off

Inspired by this hysterical gem from Diane

I would like to post this, which aired maybe twice, before being deemed offensive and banned. I personally about pee my pants every time I see it.



mixed feelings

{scheduled post}

A bad day with kindness halfway and a lesson right at the bedtime end of it,.

I’m in a mixed episode at the moment – and it’s a rough one. Although I only worked it out this morning, it explains the past week or so. Psychosis, disorientation, misery, anger, blurred vision – those words describe my morning. I’m usually sure footed on rocks; I had to move like I was 99 years old. The walking was strangely difficult, I decided to just go as far as the reef, sit on it and watch the waves. I navigated slow, cautious through the rocky bits on the beach and made my way to the reef. I’ve been climbing walking hopping from rock to rock across divides and rock pools on it for seven years. I stumbled up the lowest rock, then freaked right out; the reef had been sheared flat somehow, totally flat on top. I crawled like Gollum on morphine. I told myself I was seeing things, but I couldn’t change it and I couldn’t stop the fear.

An excellent analysis : Rapid cycling, mixed states, continuous cycling.

I don’t remember getting home, but I did. I decided that, for a change, I should ask for help. I had to get through two local and uninformed friends’ idiocy without killing either or both. Then I got hold of the bipolar pharmacist who said, “I can’t cope with them at all”, but advised me re meds and asked me to stay in touch. I was right off my head at that point, but I still felt her kindness. Then I messaged a close friend far away and she told me what to do to calm down and she talked me through it. I couldn’t stop crying all morning, but then the meds kicked in and I slept for a few hours. I kept waking blurred and bleary, getting up for a bit and then crashing again.

I had asked the two local people to go and check the reef for me and make sure I was seeing things. One of them went and told me I saw it wrong because of high tide… Last I checked, high tide would make the vertical stuff look different, not the actual top surface that you walk on, unless the water was high enough to pool on the top surface – and it wasn’t. Then she sent me three photos of the wrong rocks, not the reef. So then I was extra depressed and cried hard on and off all day, and I was frustrated and cross about it too. Mostly I was miserable and lonely, but then some sense returned and that’s when I messaged the pharmacist and the close friend.

One of the local friends messaged me, but I didn’t see it. I’ve been reading and writing badly – thank goodness for a decent keyboard and predictive text and a sensible autocorrect. Anyway, then she came to check that I was okay; I felt good about that. The other friend sent me a message during the evening saying she would see me the next day. She’s the one who’s in a new relationship and invisible as a result.

I’m checking myself constantly, I must stop, but I just don’t/can’t trust my perception and reactions right now. My judgment is off, I’m clumsy and slow, I feel as though I’m seeing the world through a fish tank, but I’m a thousand times better than I was at sunrise today.


I thought I’d add the advice I got today here, because it got me out of the howling abyss and into some calm while the espiride kicked in.

Take prn meds for anxiety if possible.
Drink water.
Extra carbs and sugar (to help exhausted brain).
Lie down, feet up (blood needs to go to vital organs).
10 conscious and counted deep breaths (to calm down and get more oxygen to the brain).
Stop self diagnosing.
Sleep if possible.
Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary.

I’d like to crowdsource any advice you have about dealing with the evil, twisted, sandpapery mofo mixed crapisodes, gimme the gold if you please, by commenting on this post. They’re the things that sneak up and catch me unawares and trip me up. Then once I’m on the ground hurting, they piss all over me. Ugh.

Smiths songs always amuse me, so that’s why they’re in this post.

The Fear (Pablo Neruda)

They all ask me to jump
to invigorate and to play soccer, 
to run, to swim and to fly. 
Very well. 

They all advise me rest, 
they all send me to the doctor, 
looking at me a certain way. 
What happens? 

They all advise me to travel, 
to come and to leave, to stay, 
to die and not to die.
It does not matter. 

They all see the difficulties 
of my surprised bowels
by awful X-rayed portraits. 
I do not agree. 

They all sting my poetry 
with relentless forks 
seeking, without doubt, a fly, 
I Am afraid. 

I am afraid of everyone, 
of the cold water, of the death. 
I am like all the mortals, 

And for that, in these short days 
I am not going to pay attention to them, 
I am going to open myself up and shut myself in
with my more perfidious enemy, 
Pablo Neruda.

Thank you for flying blahpolAIR